Letters From the Edge
by Jennasprite
Summary: Separated by circumstance, distance and a responsibility to family, Draco and Pansy cling to their love for each other and define themselves in the process. A post war journey of forgiveness, acceptance and the impossible reality of saying goodbye.
1. Book One: Ashes to Ashes

**Letters From the Edge**

By, Jennasprite

**Pairing**: Draco Malfoy/Pansy Parkinson

**Rating**: T/Some Adult Content

**Warnings:** Violence, some adult language and situations, character death(s)

**Genre**: Romance/Drama/Angst

**Summary**: Separated by circumstance, distance and a responsibility to family, Draco and Pansy cling to their love for each other and define themselves in the process. A post war journey of forgiveness, acceptance and the impossible reality of saying goodbye.

**Author's Notes**: Book One of Four. Inspired by _From the Edge of the Deep Green Sea_ by The Cure.

"_I know this can't be wrong I say (and I'll lie to keep her happy) as long as I know that you know that today I belong right here with you. Right here with you…"_

_From the Edge of the Deep Green Sea_

The Cure

**Disclaimer**: _This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by J.K. Rowling and various publishers including, but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoat Books as well as Warner Brothers, Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended. Lyrics and music for From the Edge of the Deep Green Sea are owned by The Cure. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended._

**Book One**

_Ashes to Ashes_

"And all I want is to keep it like this. You and me alone, a secret kiss; and don't go home, don't go away, don't let this end, please stay. Not just for today."

_From the Edge of the Deep Green Sea_

The Cure

_13 October 1998_

_Five months are gone and I am still looking for her. As each day passes I am sickened with the possible reality that I am far too late. Zabini's contacts at the Ministry have confirmed that her parents have both been killed; her father upon capture and her mother not long after in one of the vigilante shelters. According to Blaise, these shelters are starting to lose more of their security each day as members abandon the campaign of torturing Death Eaters. It must be a sight to see the "good" people of the magical world embracing their morality once again. _

_None of that is my concern. Blaise said there is a shelter in the forest outside Hogsmeade and I am leaving tonight to investigate. I will not rest until she is found; too much time has already been wasted, too much suffering for loyalty to me that I never appreciated until the day I realized she was gone. I continue to find the shell of an arrogant, privileged and delusional boy in the mirror each morning and it disgusts me. _

_I have to find her. _

Draco placed his book of parchment in a bag along with his other supplies and thundered down the Manor staircase headed directly toward the door. He raised the new wand he had purchased to replace his original, which had been lost to him during the nightmare that was Voldemort's last days, and started to speak the incantation to open the door when his father's voice speaking his name echoed from the drawing room into the foyer. With a heavy sigh Draco followed the voice and glared across the drawing room with great agitation.

Lucius took his time looking from the parchment in his hand then spoke curtly, "Where do you think you are going?"

"To find Pansy. After five months why is this so difficult for you to comprehend?" Draco turned to leave, but stopped when he heard his father walking toward him.

The effect that Voldemort's defeat had had on the Malfoy family was crippling. Their Manor had been nearly destroyed while being used as the Dark Lord's headquarters. The once ornate and immaculate home showed signs of magical battles and the rooms that were not destroyed by Death Eater activities had been devastated by fires and lootings executed by vigilante groups determined to find and punish anyone considered to be a supporter of the now defeated Dark Lord.

Lucius walked across the dilapidated room and stood in front of Draco, "Do you understand the danger involved in this mission for a girl you did not even care for?"

Draco glared at his father with all of the resentment and pain that had been building for a life time and responded sternly, "My relationship with Pansy Parkinson, what I do from this moment forward, and what life I chose to build from the ashes of destruction _you_ caused is certainly no longer your concern." The blonde started to walk away and when Lucius grabbed his arm, Draco forcefully pulled it away.

"You realize that if you are caught by one of these mobs you will be killed. If they find out who you are they will probably torture you first and they will kill Pansy simply for her association." Lucius approached his son and spoke softly, "I'm sorry Draco, but in truth she is probably already – "

"Don't you dare! She is _not_ dead and I am going to find her and there is _nothing_ you can do to stop me." Before allowing a response, Draco stormed out of the dining room and slammed the front door behind him.

The activity of suspected Death Eater's continued to be monitored closely in the months following Harry Potter's victory over Voldemort, making travel over long distances difficult for Draco. During his time at the Manor however, he had brewed a potion he hoped would help him apparate without detection by means of muffling his magical signature. The ingredients were rare. It was a complicated brew that Draco had taken from the potions journal Snape had left him and his first batch was enough to get him to Hogsmeade. The journey back, with or without Pansy, would require non-magical transportation, but it was more important to find her as soon as possible.

Draco apparated just outside the village and hid in a nearby cave for an hour to make sure he had not been detected. Once he was confident his potion had worked, he walked deep into the forest until he spotted a rundown shack in the distance; guarded by three large men.

Draco spent the whole day doing surveillance on the shack he knew had not been there months before when he combed every inch of the same forest. There were fewer guards than he expected, but his father's warnings of the possible consequences should something go wrong motivated his calculated diligence. The Ministry of Magic remained in shambles in the months following Voldemort's death, causing the magical community to turn a blind eye at vigilante groups intended to collect and kill death eaters while attempting to "rehabilitate" those who were possibly led astray in their support of the Dark Lord. All Death Eaters were killed upon capture. Men, not of pure blood descent were killed immediately as it was determined that they were beyond rehabilitation or redemption. The women and children were sorted into groups and housed in shelters where they were tortured for information and punished if it were proved that they had committed specific crimes in service to Voldemort. Specific crimes, of which Pansy was guilty of many; a fact Draco was haunted by as each day passed that he had not found her.

Just after the sun set and the shift change for the guards had commenced, Draco made his move toward the back of the shack and in through a cellar door he had located earlier in the day. The images were similar to the many other shelters he had been to, though no less horrifying. Room upon room of bone thin women and girls, some beaten no doubt from trying to escape or refusing to divulge information, others crying and by the looks of their eyes they had not stopped for weeks, possibly months. He had searched every room and could feel his heart breaking as he opened the last door, assuming Pansy was not on the other side. Draco walked into the dark room and saw nothing until the autumn moon spilled in through the window and illuminated a frail dark haired girl curled up on the floor. She was dressed in blood soaked rags and did not move as he approached her. When Draco gently elevated the girl's head tears poured from his eyes. He pulled Pansy into his arms and lifted her nearly lifeless body from the cold ground. Draco held her close to him and whispered, "I'm here to save you. I am so sorry it took me so long."

Pansy was unconscious and her breathing was labored; her pale skin was ice cold and she was limp in Draco's arms. He maneuvered from the room and down the stairs with great ease when suddenly he heard a door open and could tell it was in the kitchen. Anyone in the kitchen would be blocking the only passage Draco had to avoid guards and it was apparent that Pansy was far too weak to sustain any sort of attack. He panicked only a moment then balanced Pansy against him before reaching into his bag, pulling out a small bottle, and drinking its contents down. In a split second he felt his appearance changing and held his breath as to not allow any sounds from the discomfort of his transformation. After a few minutes, he took a deep breath and finished down the stairs towards the kitchen.

Draco walked in and stood before two large male guards sloppily eating at the kitchen table. He ignored their wide eyes and open mouths and announced confidently, "This woman has been wrongly accused of the crimes for which you are holding her and I have come to return her to her family."

One of the guards stood and clumsily bowed before responding timidly, "I'm sorry Sir. We were told…by many witnesses at Hogwarts the night of the battle that this is the woman who tried to give you over to _He Who Must Not Be Named_. She is a traitorous and evil witch and she has been punished accordingly."

Draco took a deep breath so as not to blow his polyjuiced cover as Harry Potter: blessed chosen one, enemy, and another on the list of debts to be paid. Draco had spent what seemed like lifetimes listening to Potter's superior yet pathetic voice and felt confident that he had already delivered a stunning impersonation as he continued, "Why would I take time out of my busy chosen one life to come and rescue the woman who tried to hand me over to Voldemort? Further, why are you questioning me at all?" Draco was momentarily lost in the idea that Potter had been no doubt sitting comfortably at Hogwarts, being waited on and praised every minute for months while the Malfoy family lived in shambles and Pansy was being held in a dark room, starved, battered and nearly dead. His distraction was brief however when he realized neither guard had responded.

Obviously his plan had succeeded and he rolled his eyes as he walked toward the door, "Are you going to open that?" Both guards collided trying to be the first to assist Harry Potter. When the door was open Draco looked at both of them, "You should allow the Ministry to prosecute these people." Before allowing for a response, Draco rushed through the open door, careful not to rustle Pansy anymore than necessary and once clear of the shack, his pace slowed and he disappeared into the forest.

Draco walked for miles looking for any sort of shelter where they could safely rest. The October wind blew through the trees and stabbed at the pale skin of his face and he stopped to pull a blanket from his bag to cover Pansy with. It was painful to look at her; to see the months of brutality visible through cuts and bruises all over her body and it had not escaped his attention that she weighed nearly nothing. Once they had been walking for an hour or more, he contemplated apparating directly to St. Mungo's. Even if he were to be caught and carted off to the Ministry, at least Pansy would receive the medical attention she so desperately needed. At the same time, that would also mean they would be apart again; and whatever had happened to him after the war, Draco was sure that he must stay as close to Pansy as possible and that was never going to change.

Just as they passed through a clearing where Draco had made up his mind that apparating was the best option, he spotted a run down cottage in the distance. He moved quickly toward the shelter and saw no sign of a resident when he looked in the window. He opened the door, walked in and rested Pansy on the sofa then knelt in front of her and brushed the matted hair from her face, "I am going to make this all up to you Pans, I promise. And I will _never_ let anyone hurt you ever again."

*.*.*.*

_14 October 1998_

_I finally found her and I would say not a moment too soon. She is unconscious, as she was when I found her; she has been badly beaten and who knows what else. I have half a mind to send Potter an owl asking him if this is the perfect magical world he had in mind when he saved it. There is no doubt that we were all in the presence of pure evil a matter of months ago, but what happened to Pansy, what is happening to who knows how many other women and children is not justice, it's revenge. Evil in its truest form and even I have a hard time stomaching that this is what our chosen one would want._

_There are no words to describe the pain I feel from every mark of brutality on her perfect skin and I am terrified of the scars that will reveal themselves when she wakes up. I need her to wake up. I need her for everything and that is difficult enough for me to process. I keep going over that night at the castle and there was nothing I could have done to save her, protect her. All I know is I will do everything I should have been doing during the last seven years for the rest of her life…which had better not end in this cottage._

*.*.*.*

Two weeks passed after Draco rescued Pansy and found refuge for them in an abandoned cottage deep in the forest. He had secured their location with every protection and invisibility charm he knew along with alarms on every door and window and restrictions on the wards in or out of the cottage walls. As soon as the Harry Potter polyjuice wore off, Draco used another potion, a random Hufflepuff boy who had never been seen speaking to another soul, and went into the village to obtain supplies. The blonde worked tirelessly to clean up the cottage, saving the use of magic for healing Pansy. He moved her to the bedroom and used every spell at his disposal to mend cuts and bruises and cleaned Pansy from head to toe, complete with new clothes he was sure she would approve of when she woke up.

Draco paced and sat and paced and slept at Pansy's side every minute of every day and finally as the second week came to an end he contemplated again the need to find help. Blaise had been helpful during the five months prior while Draco desperately searched for Pansy; in fact, Blaise had just always been helpful period. The risk, however, of leaving Pansy alone was tremendous. If Draco were caught wandering around the forest by any of the vigilante groups or even worse, an Auror, Pansy would certainly die because she was in no condition to take care of herself. Blaise was also trying to lay low in the wake of Voldemort's demise and putting his security in danger was also not an option. Draco was pacing, wondering how it was that he had started caring about anyone but himself in the first place, when he heard stirring on the bed. He turned and saw Pansy shoot up into a sitting position, holding her frail arms painfully around her chest and stomach and crying as she looked around.

Draco rushed over to her and sat down on the bed. He reached out to calm her, but she pulled away from him and looked down. Her tears continued to fall as she whispered breathlessly, "Please don't hurt me anymore…I'm sorry…I'm so sorry."

"Pans it's me…its Draco," he sat motionless waiting for her to look up and acknowledge that she knew him. He fought for something else comforting to say, but trying to reassure her that he would never hurt her when he had so many times in the past, seemed inappropriate. His thoughts were interrupted when she finally did look up and she moved toward him.

Pansy wrapped her arms around Draco's neck, allowing him to feel the trembling in her entire body, and sobbed into his shoulder, "You're alive…they told me you were killed at the castle and…I wanted to believe that they were lying but…I knew you weren't dead…"

No words were available to Draco as he held onto her tightly. _Everything that she has been through and all she was worried about was me,_ he thought as she continued to cry. After a few minutes he pulled away and saw the wave of pain rush across her face. He gently moved her back against the pillows and sat down next to her. "You need to sit back and rest."

She frantically grabbed his hand, "Were you captured? Is that how you ended up at the shelter?" Pansy could not seem to get a tight enough hold on Draco's hand and she continued with her free hand to keep up with her relentless tears.

Draco shared Pansy's need to be as close as possible and he moved to sit next to her, wrapping his arms around her shaking body as he answered, "Blaise has a few contacts in the _new_ Ministry and provided me the information I needed to find you…finally. I've been looking for you since May."

Pansy was shocked as she pulled away and looked at him, "You have?"

He brushed his hand gently down her face and wiped the tears falling down her cheeks, "I'm sorry it took me so long and I'm sorry that – "

She put a trembling finger to his mouth to quiet him then rested her head on his chest and closed her eyes. "You are my hero Draco…there will be time for apologies, but never apologize for this."

Draco rested his head against the top of hers and began feeling the peace that came with knowing Pansy was finally safe. They fell asleep for hours curled up together; each waking randomly and smiling at the warmth felt by being so close to the other.

*.*.*.*

Pansy finally woke again as the sun was setting. She sat up quickly and winced at the aches and pains radiating through every part of her body. She was only moderately panicked when Draco was not still at her side, but the smell of the most amazing food she had ever smelled filling the cottage reassured her she was not alone.

There was no doubt that she was still incredibly weak, but if Pansy was anything she was determined so she stood and moved slowly from the bedroom into the living room. When Draco saw her up and moving he rushed to her side and carried her to the sofa. "What are you doing out of bed?"

"Are you cooking?" Pansy smiled and her eyebrow arched slightly, "I'm finding out all sorts of secrets about you Draco Malfoy. You are my hero _and_ you cook?"

Draco rolled his eyes and smiled, "It may not be edible, but yes I can cook some. I guess you could say I've learned a few things about myself these past five months." He returned to the kitchen and finished preparing their plates then walked back into the living room and handed Pansy a plate with eggs, bacon, toast and fruit. "We need to work on building up your strength. My mother always said that eggs are good for strength."

She smiled and immediately starting eating. This was the first food Pansy had had in quite some time and the fact that Draco had prepared it for her made it more delicious than anything she had ever eaten before. After only a few quiet minutes and only a few bites of food Pansy was finished and she set her plate on the table, "Thank you that was brilliant."

"Can I get you anything else? Something else to eat? Tea? Anything?" Draco started to stand to take their plates, but Pansy grabbed his arm and made him stay.

The room fell silent again; Draco watching Pansy look down at the floor. She finally looked up and smiled, "I do not even know how to begin to thank you for what you did for me Draco. If you had been caught they would have killed you." She looked down and paused before continuing quietly, "My father was a pure blood, and they were not killing pure blood

men…it was because of me…same with my mother…because of what I did that night at the castle." Tears were streaming down Pansy's face again, "It is no secret that I have never liked Potter or Granger or the Weasley's…any of them. And for years is was all a game…but that night…the Dark Lord standing there, casting out his ultimatums…I was scared and I saw Potter and I panicked. Potter was meant to fight him, defeat him…we were Slytherin and we were supposed to be safe, but you were never safe from him…I was just scared."

Draco pulled Pansy into a tight hug and stroked her hair, trying to calm her. The memories of the battle at Hogwarts were painful enough, but the reality of Pansy's losses was more tremendous than he had even considered and the recounting of her torture had just begun. He pulled away and wiped her tears, "I am so sorry that I was not at the castle with you and I tried to find you after, but my parents literally held me captive in the Manor for the first few weeks afterwards. Once I submitted to questioning at the Ministry, I packed my bags and started searching, but if I had found you sooner, been with you so that you were never taken at all – "

Pansy appeared surprised by the tears that formed in Draco's eyes; even after everything he had done for her his new emotional side was somewhat startling. She reached over and wiped his face gently, "Please stop apologizing to me Draco. What I did that night at the castle, where my priorities have been…who _I_ have been these past seven years…what did I expect was going to happen?"

She looked down quickly, but Draco lifted her chin so their eyes met, "You did _not_ deserve this Pans. There are things which we may never be able to atone for, but I do not believe even Harry Potter himself would condone what you have been through. He certainly told the guards that when he was carrying you out of the shelter." Draco smiled victoriously and his heart skipped when Pansy's playfully devious smile surfaced.

"You had Potter Polyjuice potion? How delicious is that?" She blushed slightly that she resorted back to wicked thoughts so soon and after a short pause she took Draco's hands, "Everything has changed now though, hasn't it?"

He pulled her close to him again and kissed the top of her head as she settled against his chest, "I certainly hope so."

*.*.*.*

As weeks turned to months, Pansy continued to heal and her strength was nearly completely returned. She was even able to go into the village shopping, Polyjuiced of course, but enjoyed the idea of being around people for probably the first time in her entire life. The feel of Draco's protective hand holding hers was almost surreal; everything since she had woken up was like a dream. Whenever Pansy needed anything Draco was there. He encouraged her to discuss her time at the shelter because he worried about her keeping everything inside and was determined to prevent her from embracing debilitating guilt. The parts he was convinced she was leaving out to spare him were brought to the surface through night terrors that Pansy had often. At no time did he lose his patience or compassion and his feelings towards her did nothing but grow with each passing day.

Christmas morning Draco paced around the cottage for almost an hour while Pansy made breakfast. She finally walked into the living room and giggled as she spoke, "Malfoy…what is wrong with you this – "

"Nothing!" He smiled awkwardly to cover for his interruption and continued mindlessly, "I'm just excited…about Christmas."

She laughed as she carried the tray of eggs, bacon, toast and assorted pastries to the table in front of the fireplace then pulled Draco to sit on the sofa next to her. "I love Christmas. I bet you didn't know that, but I do…always have." She reached over to hand him a napkin then took her plate and curled up in the corner of the sofa. There was a long pause as Pansy gazed up at the tiny tree Draco cut down from the forest and the dazzling magical ornaments that twinkled and danced in its sparse branches. When she returned to Draco's eyes she could tell he had been watching her the whole time and she continued talking to distract his attention, "There were never many gifts at my house, and of course you and I never really exchanged gifts for anything, but Christmas was not even about that really. I like the lights and the snow and the warm feeling that seems to infect even the coldest of hearts. I always feel warmer at Christmas…" She trailed off and looked down for a minute to hide her blushing then continued quietly, "Especially this one."

There was no way to deny that since the minute Draco knew Voldemort had entered Hogwarts, his heart swelled with a need to love and protect Pansy with everything he was; but these feelings were all still new. He could not remember a time when he ever needed another person so much and he was awkward about expressing what had been rushing through his head and burning in his chest for months. He set his plate down then reached over and took Pansy's; he took her hands and looked deep into her eyes. "I owe you an apology, and since there are so many things to apologize for I am going to combine it all into one. I treated you deplorably. I put you in danger every day and I knew you were unfailingly loyal and I used it…I used…_you_ and I am so sorry for that. And I am also sorry that it took me so long to find you –"

"No…as I have said on numerous occasions you may not apologize for that because there is nothing to apologize for. You spent months looking for me Draco and you did not give up until you succeeded; one of the many reasons I love you." Pansy looked down again quickly then up with a bright smile, "I do however accept your apology for the rest and you're forgiven because now I owe you my life…literally."

"I accept your life…and wonder if you are still interested in sharing mine?" Draco locked onto Pansy's surprised eyes and continued before she could respond, "I know I was a bastard Pans, but I promise you that I have changed. All that has happened, all that I've done…I do not deserve another chance, but I promise you that this time will be different. I am different and most especially during the last few months it is all because of you."

She paused for a moment, her mind obviously reeling, then she eventually blurted, "What are you saying?"

Draco smiled and took a deep breath, "I had certainly begun to acknowledge how I felt about you before the war, but I never realized how essential it is for me to love you until I thought I'd lost you, and I will never forgive myself for taking this long to figure it out. But now that I have figured it out I know that I want to love you for the rest of my life and I know that I need you to feel the same." He maintained the intense lock with her deep brown eyes and after too many quiet moments he continued hesitantly, "Are you going to say something?"

"I hope I'm not actually dead or just dreaming." She allowed Draco no time to respond before moving over onto his lap, running her fingers into his silky blonde hair and pulling him into a long kiss.

Christmas was magical and with the New Year Draco and Pansy decided to stay in their quaint little cottage indefinitely. The real world brought with it a host of inquisitions, oppositions and possible danger and the process of discovering each other was far too magical to risk it by returning. They spent their days walking around the forest, talking about everything from how much their worlds had changed to how they planned to renovate the cottage. Each evening was a cozy dinner and quiet time together in front of the fireplace; more peaceful and content then either could ever remember being. They shut out the world and had no thoughts of ever looking back.

*.*.*.*

_1 January 2000_

_I can hardly believe it but a year has passed. When we decided at this time last year that we planned to stay hidden in the forest, in our magic cottage as Pansy calls it, I never actually thought it could be real. The horrors of the war, the scars that Pansy had when I found her all seem like a different lifetime. I hate to say it, but if this is what being happy feels like than I wasted so much time trying to run from it._

_Pansy is my entire world and I would have it no other way. We have been talking about going somewhere far away from here…somewhere that no one knows us and where those that do could never find us. In truth this works brilliantly with plans I have of my own and _

Draco looked up as Pansy walked into the bedroom, "What are you saying about me in there?" She walked over to the bed and giggled when Draco pulled her down next to him.

He moved so that he was hovering over her and smiled, "Just that you are the most beautiful creature in the magical world and that my life would be worthless without you."

She reached up and ran her fingers through his messy hair, "I keep asking myself every day if you are actually real."

Draco leaned down and kissed her then pulled away just slightly, "You made me. What can I do to convince you Love? What do you need to prove that I am yours?"

"You were on the right track before actually." She smiled as Draco leaned in to kiss her again.

*.*.*.*

March saw the first signs of thawing and Pansy was desperate to cure her cabin fever by going into the village. After hours of opposition she convinced Draco that she wanted to go alone in order to procure a surprise and eventually she got her way. He was less than amused that Pansy had chosen the Ginny Weasley Polyjuice Potion for her trip to the village, but closed his eyes and pulled her into a long kiss on her way out the door. "Be careful…and I'm not kissing you again until you cease to be a _Weasley_."

"I love you," she held his hand until distance pulled them apart, "Don't burn the place down while I'm gone."

Draco walked outside and yelled after her, "I love you too." He watched her dance into the distance and out of sight then walked back inside and started to panic. _Today of all days?_ He had every reason to be impatient waiting for Pansy to arrive home and he looked at the small diamond engagement ring hiding in his pocket several hundred times while he paced during the hours of her absence. When the door finally opened Draco was ready to drop to one knee immediately, but fortunately stopped when he realized it was not Pansy. He moved forward defensively and barked, "How did you find me?"

Lucius Malfoy ignored his son's tone and brushed past him as he looked around the cottage, "As if _you_ could possibly evade _me_ Draco. I've known this entire year that you have been hiding here with Ms. Parkinson and I am so sorry to disrupt your holiday, but you are needed back home."

"Is it mother? Has something happened?" Draco scrutinized his father's expression, hoping if something had in fact happened to his mother that there would be some sign of concern. But Lucius had returned to his usual arrogance and this troubled Draco as he waited for a response.

"Your mother is fine and very relieved that you will be returning home and fulfilling your responsibilities to the family." Lucius paused and looked around again before settling on Draco, "A great deal has happened while you've been in the forest playing house and it is time to come home and tend to your obligations."

Draco rolled his eyes and sat down on the sofa, "It is not like the Ministry is holding a job for me and I would assume enough has not changed that mother is hosting formal dinners at the Manor again. My obligations are here and I am not leaving."

A menacing laugh suddenly filled the cottage, but Lucius was gruff when he spoke, "I have had enough of your attitude Draco." The Patriarch looked at a stack of papers on the table and continued, "I can see that you have been keeping up on your current events in _The Daily Prophet_ so you know that Potter supported the story of him going in and rescuing one Pansy Parkinson from a vigilante shelter last year. The _chosen one_ continued by saying that whether or not she was guilty of the crimes for which she was accused, no person should be persecuted, but rather tried fairly by the legal authority. Just like the _saint_ everyone imagined him to be and at the same time he has made it possible for families once thought to be supporters of the Dark Lord to reenter social acceptance. That is where your involvement becomes important."

It was Draco's laugh that filled the room next and he relaxed against the back of the sofa, "You think that _I_ can make people accept the name Malfoy again? I would think my disappearance would be the best gift you could have received. I tried to murder Dumbledore remember and – "

"Severus murdered Dumbledore." Lucius took a deep breath and started to continue; he was surprised when Draco dared to interrupt.

"Because Dumbledore asked him to," Draco stood and started pacing, "As you acknowledged I have stayed current with what has been happening in the world. I read all about Snape's allegiance to Dumbledore, the fact that he was protecting Potter all along and that he stepped in because he was intended to kill Dumbledore at the headmaster's request. It certainly explains a lot about that night on the Astronomy Tower."

Draco finally stopped pacing after a few silent moments then glared at Lucius, "The last time I stepped up so the Malfoy name would be accepted after you could not deliver I almost ended up a Death Eater. I was nearly burned alive, am now indebted to _St. Potter_, and almost lost Pansy. Your request is irrelevant to me and I decline wholeheartedly."

A suffocating silence fell over the cottage as the father and son glared at each other. Lucius finally broke the eye contact and spoke quietly, but sternly, "You have two weeks to settle your affairs here and then I expect you to return to the Manor. If I have to come and collect you, or even worse track you down, I assure you that all the promises you have made, that you will never hurt the lovely Ms. Parkinson again will have been in vain. Who and when you marry is essential for the family's newly found stability and therefore it will not be _Pansy Parkinson_ you pledge to in April –"

Draco's heart started to race and he blurted without thinking, "I will pledge nothing to _anyone _other than Pansy so whatever you are planning –"

Lucius moved toward the door as he interrupted, "It is already arranged. You have met Astoria Greengrass haven't you?" The Malfoy patriarch smiled menacingly as he watched Draco's expression fade from anger to anguish. "Come now Draco, she's lovely, smart, and more importantly she is from a proper pureblood family; not some bottom feeding orphan from…" Lucius trailed off as the door opened and smiled wickedly, "Ms. Parkinson, lovely to see you again and looking better then ever. I will leave you two to talk."

As soon as Lucius was gone from the cottage Draco rushed to Pansy and pulled her into a tight hug. When he pulled away he looked down at her with the most calm he could muster. "You need to start packing, anything you absolutely have to have and keep in mind we can not carry everything." Draco rushed into the bedroom and started packing his bag.

Pansy watched the blonde rushing around and her panic surfaced on her face as she observed his frantic manner, "Draco what happened? What was your father doing here? How did he even find –"

Draco stood in front of her and put his hands gently on her arms, "There will be time to answer questions Love, but right now we have to pack and leave as soon as possible. My father was here to tell me that I am required to return to the Manor where I will prepare to be married to –"

"Married?"

He pulled her into a frantic kiss then rested his forehead against hers, "The only person I am marrying is _you_ and that is why we have to get out of here…now." He started to walk away, but suddenly turned back to her and grabbed her hands, "On second thought…I need to do this first." He dropped to one knee and pulled the small diamond ring from his pocket, "Pansy Parkinson…will you marry me? And before you even ask I have had this ring for months and this is why I did not want you to leave the cottage today in the first place."

Pansy laughed and knelt down in front of him. Her expression turned more serious as she looked into his petrified gray eyes, "Are you sure about this? You look as if you are about to faint."

"Because you are taking a bloody eternity to answer the question," Draco smiled and took her hands, "I love you and this last year has been the best of my entire life. I want to take walks with you and lie on the sofa and read books with you and play with your hair every night before bed forever."

Her eyes glistened and she squeezed his hands tight, "Are you prepared to turn your back on your family for me?"

Draco released her hands and slid the ring on her finger. He reached up and gently held her face, "I would die for you."

"Please don't," she smiled and leaned close to kiss him, stopping just before their lips touched, "I could never imagine my life without you."

"Don't even try then." Draco closed the distance between them and then abruptly stood and pulled Pansy to her feet. "We will celebrate this for days just as soon as we are far away from here."

She followed as he walked toward the bedroom, "So you never mentioned who your _intended_ is."

Draco rolled his eyes and started throwing things in his bag, "Astoria Greengrass."

"Eww…really…why?" Pansy started packing as well and the disgusted look on her face continued as Draco responded.

"She's from a rich pureblood family and if she marries me then her father gives his stamp of approval on the Malfoy name. My parents need a new social circle since their old one is mostly dead now...or in Azkaban." Draco's fury grew as he considered what his father was asking; once again the prospect of doing something he found abhorrent simply so the Malfoy Patriarch could find a new way to tear everything apart again. Suddenly the blonde felt the soft touch of Pansy's hands on his arms and he took a deep breath.

The dark haired girl moved to stand in front of him and reached up to brush his face, "I'm not going to let him hurt you anymore Draco. Just one year away from that man and you have become your own man; loving and loyal and brave. I will kill him myself before I let him ruin you."

Draco pulled her into a tight hug and kissed her head, "_Nothing_ will come between us again Pans, I promise." He released her and picked up the bags, "I hate to leave this place, but if he comes back –"

"Have we even determined where we are going or how we are getting there?" Pansy picked up a bag and showed panicked at their lack of plans.

Draco held out his hand and smiled, "Well after all of the compassionate words Potter had for you in _The Daily Prophet_ I assume you are no longer on the Ministries monitored list and I hope I can say the same now that a year has passed. I thought we would apparate… Ireland perhaps?"

Pansy took his hand and squeezed it tight, "The beginning of a brilliant new life."

"I thought that happened last year?" He pulled her into a kiss and they disapparated from the cottage.

*.*.*.*

"_I love you…I hope you always know how much." He brushed her face and ran his fingers into the back of her soft dark hair; pulling her into a long kiss._

_When they separated and he leaned his forehead against hers, she wrapped her arms around his neck and wove her fingers into his hair, "I do know…and I accept that you will love me that much forever, but you will be married to someone else." _

_The girl pulled away, but Draco grabbed her hand and pulled her back to him, "Stay with me…please."_

"_As what," she paused and looked up at him. _

_He moved close to her and raised her chin to look at him, "My only love. You are my entire world Pans and I will not lose you now."_

_She reached up and placed her hands on his face gently, "Tell that to your father, Draco because I think I'm already lost." _

Draco shot up in bed and immediately reached for Pansy, but she was not there. He grabbed his wand from the table, "Lumos," and looked around in horror as he recognized the illuminated room was his bedroom at Malfoy Manor. He stood immediately and surveyed the room briefly before rushing to the door and charging down the staircase; yelling at the top of his lungs, "WHERE IS SHE?"

He stormed into the drawing room where he found his father reading _The Daily Prophet_. "What have you done to her?"

Lucius looked up and smiled deviously, "You mean what _you_ have done to her because you could not follow the simplest of instructions. I told you to settle your affairs and return home and instead you decided to run. I told you I would not be chasing you Draco and so I brought you here myself."

Draco charged at the chair where Lucius sat and slammed his hands down the on the table, "Tell me where she is."

"And what do you presume to do once you have this information? You are to marry Astoria Greengrass in just over a month and – " Lucius' menacing chuckle filled the drawing room as Draco stormed toward the door, "You are not able to leave the Manor Draco. I've bound you here and even if you do manage to escape I have bound your powers so that they will not work anywhere, but within the Manor walls. Your mother and I decided that some time to reflect on your responsibilities was important."

Draco sighed as if the wind had been squeezed from his lungs. He turned to face his father with a pleading expression, "Please, don't hurt her."

"That is entirely up to you. If you are willing to step up and embrace your obligations then Ms. Parkinson is free to go. However, if you are anything less than diligent in the attention paid to your only acceptable future I will have no choice but to start _removing_ your distractions." Lucius put the newspaper down and looked up at Draco quickly, "You are excused to contemplate your options."

Draco stood paralyzed with the reality of his situation. His main objective was Pansy's safety and being with her at all cost. If that meant he had to be married to someone else for survival purposes only he would figure out a way to make it work. Draco finally looked up at his father and spoke calmly, "I do not need any time to think about this. Pansy's safety is the only thing that matters and I will do whatever is necessary to insure she is cared for. Now where is she?"

Lucius rolled his eyes as he stood and walked toward another door leading to the passage way to the cellar, "Your mother would not allow me to keep her down here so she is upstairs in a guest room. I expect as part of our arrangement that she will be gone by this evening." Before Draco could respond Lucius disappeared through the door.

Draco walked out the other door and headed back to the staircase when the sound of his mother's voice saying his name echoed from the great room. He paused only briefly before following the voice and found Narcissa sitting at the desk across the room. The pale woman approached and pulled him into a tight embrace as soon as she could reach him. "I have missed you so much."

He wrapped his arms tightly around her, "I've missed you too, mother; though I resent being brought here and all that has been arranged." Draco pulled away and walked across the newly decorated room, "I see much has changed in my absence."

"Most especially you," Narcissa walked over to the sofa where Draco sat and took his hand, "You seem to have grown…and not just in height."

Draco took a deep breath before looking up at his mother sadly, "I was free…happy for the first time I can ever remember. I should have known it could never last."

"I know that you love her, Draco…" Narcissa paused when the pale boy stood and walked across the room to the window. She joined him and placed a comforting hand on his back as she continued quietly, "And I am sorry that it has to be this way, but you know that refusing him is not an option." She moved to stand in front of him and brushed her hand gently down the side of his face, "The things that have been asked of you are awful Draco. I am sorry that this is the only life I was able to give you. If there was a way that I could stop him…a way that I could ease the pain when you tell Pansy –"

Draco put his hand over hers then leaned down to kiss her head, "I do not blame you for my life. I know that you could do no more to save me from him then I could do for you. Have you seen Pansy?"

"Yes, I checked in on her. She knows where she is and she knows that you are all right. I made sure she was served breakfast, though I'm quite sure she was afraid to eat anything after you were both pulled here against your will. I can not fault her for that most especially with everything she has no doubt been through." Narcissa took Draco's hand, "I can see that you took very good care of her."

Tears started rolling down Draco's face. He was overwhelmed by the opportunity to release over a year's worth of emotions about how he found Pansy and all that had happened to her. Narcissa led Draco back to the sofa and took his hands, "You can tell me anything, Draco; I hope you still believe that."

His will to maintain composure evaporated and his tears fell more furiously as he spoke, "If she had been there one more day she would have been dead. They killed her parents because of what she did at Hogwarts the night of the battle; giving up Potter to Voldemort in the great hall. She was beaten and cut and starved and who knows what else because she has never been willing to tell me much. For months after she had night terrors almost every night. She woke up screaming and crying and for a few fleeting moments until she came around completely she would not let me anywhere near her."

Anytime Draco thought about Pansy's captivity, his imagination was horrifically graphic and he finally broke down completely and wrapped his arms tightly around his mother and cried into her shoulder for several long moments. When he finally calmed and pulled away he stared down at the ornate carpet, "I asked her to marry me; after everything that's happened she still said yes." He looked up at Narcissa and more tears fell from his eyes, "And now I have to tell her that if we stay together my father will probably kill her…or worse."

"Well maybe I'm willing to take my chances."

Draco and Narcissa both looked up and saw Pansy standing in the entrance to the great room and the Malfoy Matriarch stood. She kissed Draco's head and whispered, "I'll leave you two alone to talk." Narcissa stopped as she passed Pansy and took her hand, "You are a very special girl, Pansy. I hope no matter what happens that you always know what an asset your strength is."

Pansy smiled and squeezed Narcissa's hand, "Thank you…for stepping in on my behalf because I know you are responsible for my accommodations. No matter what happens, I also know you believe how much I love Draco and that there is nothing in the world that I would not do for him."

Narcissa returned the smile and spoke quietly, "I hope that is true dear…for both of your sakes." She squeezed Pansy's hand once more then excused herself from the great room.

As soon as Narcissa was clear of the room Pansy rushed to Draco and pulled him into a long kiss. The emotion running through both of them escalated quickly until suddenly Draco pulled away from her, sat on the sofa and stared down at the ground. The dark haired girl shook off the chill that pierced her spine and joined him on the sofa; she ran her fingers through his hair and waited for him to say something, but there was only silence. After a few deafening moments, Pansy took Draco's hand, "Please just tell me."

Draco did not look up from the spot on the floor he was intently focused on. He finally spoke flatly as he held tight to Pansy's hand, "Are you all right?"

"No I'm not all right. We were apparating to Ireland and the next thing I know we are in the entrance hall of your house and someone stunned me. Now you look like the worst has happened…you're not married already are you?" Pansy felt tears welling in her eyes and she pulled her hand away to wipe her face.

"Not yet but I have no choice." Draco continued to stare at the floor and his own tears fell down the pale skin of his face. "If I refuse he will punish me by going after you and I can not allow that."

Pansy was visibly shaking, causing her voice to crack as she responded quietly, "You're giving up?"

"What do you suggest as an alternative Pansy?" Draco finally looked up and felt tightening in his chest as he met her pain filled eyes, "We tried to run and he brought us here. You are only alive because my mother no doubt pleaded for your life. If I refuse his command again I can not assure that you will be spared."

"I have no life without you, Draco." She moved closer to him on the sofa and brushed the tears from his face, "Taking you away from me is the worst punishment he can deliver so I am willing to take my chances."

Draco stood angrily in response to the carelessness with which Pansy treated her life. He paced quietly for a few minutes then looked back at her, "I will not put your life in any more danger."

"What life do I have without you? You are all I have left, Draco. After all that has happened since the day you rescued me…everything we said to each other and everything we shared…" Pansy trailed off as she stood in front of Draco to stop him from pacing, "How can we let go after everything we promised?"

He held her face, pausing to kiss her forehead then her eyes and finally her lips before responding, "I am crushed beneath the idea of not having you in my life; there would be no reason for me to continue breathing if you were gone from the world too."

"Please never say anything like that again." She stepped up on her toes and kissed him then frantically wrapped her arms around his waist and buried her face in his chest. She inhaled deeply as if drawing every existing scent from him to store away for when they were inevitably separated. "Promise me that you will continue to live the life that we talked about. Promise me that you will remain the loving, compassionate, brave man that you have become this last year because anything less means that your father has won."

Draco pulled away just enough to look down at her, "You're saying goodbye…"

"Isn't that why I was allowed in here to speak with you?" Pansy started to pull away, but Draco tightened his grip around her. She looked up and new tears fell from her eyes, "I know that you have no other choice Draco and I want to make this as simple for you as possible so –"

"_Simple?_ Pansy, I love you…I wonder if there is anyway that you could ever know how much." He brushed her face and ran his fingers into the back of her long dark hair then leaned down to kiss her.

Draco rested his forehead against his love's and she wrapped her arms around his neck and wove her fingers into his hair. They gazed longingly at each other and finally Pansy interrupted the silence, "I do know how much you love me…and I accept that we will love each other this much forever. You will just be married to someone else."

Pansy pulled away and Draco grabbed her hand and pulled her back to him, "You can still stay with me…please."

"As what," she paused and looked up at him, "Your friend? Your mistress? The girl who followed you mindlessly at Hogwarts?"

He lifted her chin to look at him, "My only love. You are my entire world Pans and I will not lose you now. We can figure something out and –"

Pansy put her hand gently to Draco's mouth to quiet him. Her relentless tears returned and she forced a sad smile, "I'm already lost Draco…your father has seen to that. You are the only thing I've ever had that was worth fighting for and just as you want to keep me safe I want and need the same for you. If we fight him he will destroy you and I can not allow that to happen. I can live being without you, but only if I know you are living the life I wish for you…even if it is without me." Pansy reached up to dry the tears falling down Draco's face, "We may have to leave each other, but no one leaves the world…" she paused as she felt herself starting to lose her composure, "And you can't…forget me…ever –"

Draco interrupted her with a long kiss that caused them both to nearly suffocate. He pulled away and wrapped his arms as tightly around Pansy as he could without shattering her. He buried his face in her neck and breathed deep the mixture of lavender and vanilla that had become the closest thing to peace he had ever known. _What if I kill him instead? _Draco felt Pansy's body tense against him as if she had read his thoughts. He pulled away and looked down at her, "Pans, I am so –"

She placed her hands on his face and pulled him into a kiss. He rested his forehead against hers and she closed her eyes and whispered, "Me too…but I think we both accept that there is no other way."

There was a long quiet pause, though it no doubt crossed both their minds that the sound of their hearts breaking was deafening. Pansy started to pull away, but Draco pulled her into a desperate kiss. They fought for several minutes to be as close together as possible under the circumstances; then they heard movement on the staircase and Pansy pulled away from Draco enough to look at him, "I expect you to keep your promises."

"And what about you?" He refused to let her go and fought to wrap his arms around her again, "Where will you go?"

"Blaise is in London…I thought I would start there, find work and a place to live and –"

Draco's composure slipped and he blurted frantically through new falling tears, "This is mental, Pansy. You can't go…I know that I said it was dangerous to attempt defiance, but what about the rebellion against what has happened between us? I can not do this."

Pansy took Draco's hands and kissed the top of his lowered head, "Yes you can. Love me enough to give me what I want most…the promise that you will remain the man I fell in love with in the forest. Your father is going to throw me out soon, Draco…I have to know that you are going to be safe and the only way that can happen is for you to promise me that you won't let him win. Promise me that you will make a wonderful life for yourself and mean it."

His eyes were on fire and his hands were trembling in hers; he forced himself to look up at her and whispered, "I promise…" Nearly choking on the words Draco trailed off and pulled Pansy into another long kiss. He pulled his lips from hers only to kiss every part of her face, neck, hair. When he finally reconnected to her eyes his heart started racing, "I love you so much more then I ever thought I was capable. I almost wonder if any of this has been real."

"We were reintroduced to our hearts and souls…there is nothing more real than that. I love you so much more than the little girl at Hogwarts did…and I will live on every memory we made together…good and bad." She kissed him one more time then pulled her hands reluctantly from his, "Goodbye, Draco."

Draco could feel his legs trying to fold beneath him as Pansy walked away. He turned quickly and blurted, "When will I…" but trailed off when she was already gone. Every move he made from that moment forward was involuntary. He could feel his hands ripping through his hair, felt himself rushing toward the entrance hall as if she would be waiting there, and winced at the pain in his knees as they hit the floor, then at the pain in his chest as he gasped for the air Pansy took when she left. The foyer started to blur and suddenly Draco felt himself being pulled from the room. When his vision cleared he was upstairs in is bedroom and as Narcissa sat on the bed he wrapped his arms tightly around her and sobbed in her arms for hours.

*.*.*.*

_20 March 2000_

_Pansy has been gone for almost three weeks and not a moment has passed when my entire body has not ached for one more minute with her. She went to London…I think. Zabini is being a bloody menace and will not divulge any information about her at all. He claims that he is not telling her anything about me either…or perhaps she has not even inquired. He will only assure me that she is safe and I suppose for now that will have to be enough._

_Lucius was gracious enough to give me one week of solitude before arranging a dinner party with Astoria and her parents. If I did not feel as if my heart was being ripped from my chest every minute of every day I might wonder who I feel more sorry for in this arrangement. Astoria is actually not as dreadful as I anticipated. She is intelligent and pleasant and undeniably beautiful. I'm sure the fact that she is pale, blonde and Slytherin, complete with pure blood coursing through her veins made her a perfect candidate in Lucius' twisted mind. Dinner in any event was awkward; the parents left us alone to talk afterwards and that was painful…at least at first. It turns out Astoria is going through her own mourning period…having found true love with Montague of all people. At the news of her arranged marriage to me the poor bloke went mental and fled to Ireland. She was reluctant to speak much about her loss and I can understand the impulse to keep it hidden inside. This is a disaster._

_In keeping my promise to Pansy, that I would embrace the person I struggled to be for her, I have no control over caring about other people. I genuinely understand everything that Astoria is feeling. So that first evening turned into a pity party of tears and reassurances that even though we would both rather jump off a cliff than marry each other; somehow everything would work out in the end. We have spent a considerable amount of time together since, first by force and then by choice. I find that the pain of breathing is a little less when Astoria is around because she understands this nightmare. I almost wonder when she rushes off from our meetings if it is not right into Montague's arms; and perhaps the story of his departure and her pain of being apart from him is simply to make me feel more at ease. I can hardly fault her if that is the case. I have no sense of expectation in regard to Astoria's loyalty to me. If Pansy was still here…if she would respond to any of my owls who knows what I would do. I thought for sure when I told her that Astoria potentially had her own indiscretions that Pansy would have been here in a heartbeat but no response at all. _

_Maybe she's right…because I love her with everything I am maybe the best way to show her how much is to let her go._

*.*.*.*

The first of April brought all of the traditional changes; colorful flowers started to bloom under the blanket of rain that fell in between warm bursts of sun. People filled the streets, exploding with spring fever and all the magical tendencies it brings. One sunny morning Draco apparated to the Greengrass Manor to pick Astoria up for their scheduled day in Diagon Alley; when he arrived he found her crying in the gardens at the back of the Manor grounds.

A somewhat immediate bond had developed between Draco and Astoria based on their shared experiences of lost love and they grew closer than either of them had imagined possible in a short amount of time. Draco rushed over and sat down next to her. He put his arm supportively around her shoulder and spoke softly, "I can see that you are not all right. Is there anything I can do?"

Astoria reached up to wipe her tears then turned to look at him, "I have not been honest with you, Draco. You see at first, when I said that I had not heard from Montague it was true, but then about a week ago he returned and –"

The blonde boy chuckled at the confirmation of his suspicions then placed his finger to Astoria's lips to quiet her, "Not another word. I figured something was going on when you started having to rush off to secret locations or showed up late and disheveled to our meetings."

"I am so –"

Draco smiled and interrupted, "I know that you don't love me, Astoria."

"But I care about you…more than I ever imagined I would and certainly sooner than I had considered." She smiled as she took his hand, "And that is why last night I told Montague that we had to say our goodbyes…for real this time. Whether or not you and I want it to happen we will be married in a few weeks and I want you to know that I will take that commitment very seriously. When my father first told me of the arrangement that he made with your father I was horrified. Everything I knew about you at Hogwarts was…well –"

"You have no need to elaborate or fear that you will offend me. I was a deplorable human being and can only imagine the prospect of having to spend the rest of your life with someone of my caliber." Draco sighed heavily and looked down.

Astoria watched him for a moment then responded with a quiet, but spirited tone, "So imagine my surprise when you were so much different; polite and shy and charming. That first night you were so sweet and you have become very special to me over these past several weeks. I know that your heart belongs to another Draco and that you want desperately to be sitting with her right now. I only hope in the absence of that possibility that we can find a common ground to make the most of what fate has dealt us."

Draco looked down at Astoria's hand in his then up into her sparkling blue eyes. There was an undeniable connection between them and he felt very protective of her. He could also not deny that he cared for her a great deal and believed the friendship they had developed would be enough to sustain the charade they were about to play as newlyweds. Draco smiled and squeezed her hand, "If I had to enter into an arranged marriage with anyone I am glad that it is you."

Astoria smiled and rested her head on his shoulder, "I guess we should start talking about the details of our ceremony. I know our mothers have been working tirelessly, but perhaps we should familiarize ourselves with the specifics. I am a girl and if this is the only wedding I am going to have I would like to know that it is going to be perfect."

"Aside from the groom of course," Draco chuckled uncomfortably at the conversation then stood and continued before Astoria could respond, "You are absolutely right though; we should probably discuss certain details and – "

The blonde girl stood and took Draco's hand again as he nervously paced, "Why don't we go to Diagon Alley instead. We have two more weeks to worry about details…let's just go and shop, eat too much food…go find some trouble in Knockturn Alley."

Draco's eyebrow arched at the surfacing of Astoria's Slytherin tendencies and he took his wand from his pocket and squeezed her hand, "As you wish." Without another word they disapparated from the grounds.

*.*.*.*

_13 April 2000_

_I am quite certain that Astoria was expecting a kiss at the end of our date this evening and I feel a bit guilty that I could not accommodate her. This brings me to a very large concern about the fact that I am going to have to kiss her at the wedding in four days. I do not want to, and not because of anything to do with her in fact I find her more lovely and enjoyable to be with every day; but the only person I ever want to kiss again is Pansy. I can not imagine that ever changing regardless of how close Astoria and I continue to become. _

_For years I had no heart, barely a soul, nothing that sparked the very core of my emotion. Now I am shamelessly in love with one woman and marrying another who I also find stimulating, but do not love in that way and who does not love me in that way. I can not have Pansy and I worry that someday Astoria will realize that all of the agreements and understandings that we had in the beginning robbed her of the life she truly deserves. At the end of the day who really wants to be married to me? Who could ever handle all that loving me entails besides Pansy Parkinson? _

_What in the bloody hell am I going to do?_

The night before the wedding Draco made plans to meet Blaise in London for drinks. Pansy walked into The Leaky Cauldron and as promised found Draco sitting at the bar. She walked over and leaned on the counter, "Hi Tom, I'll take a fire whiskey, a bottle if you please."

Draco looked up at her with complete surprise and felt his heart start beating again as her scent enveloped him, "What are you doing here?"

"Blaise told me where I could find you," she paused and poured herself and Draco a shot then sat down and smiled, "I've something to ask you and depending on the answer then I may have to ask you something else."

He drank the shot and poured them both another, "You can ask me anything."

Pansy drank her shot then did another quick one before looking Draco in the eyes, "Please do not marry Astoria Greengrass tomorrow."

Draco poured them another quick round, drank his whiskey then looked at her sadly, "Short of her having a terrible accident there is no other option. Trust me, I have spent weeks coming up with any way to avoid tomorrow. That's why I decided to come here and drink away reality the night before."

The dark haired girl looked down into her empty glass quietly for a long time before breaking the silence. "I can arrange a terrible accident," she looked up at Draco with a smile, but blushed and looked down again, "That was a joke by the way."

"She does not deserve any of this. I am incapable of giving her any sort of good life." Draco poured another shot and drank it quickly.

During the long silence that developed Pansy looked at Draco, taking in every feature of his perfectly pale face and the curls in his hair at the base of his neck. She finally reached over to pour herself another shot and interrupted the silence, "Thank you for keeping your promise. You may not be happy, but you have not resorted back to your old self and that makes me happier than you could ever know."

Draco chuckled bitterly, "Yes, well it helps that Astoria hates what is happening tomorrow as much as I do. The common ground has made it possible for us to become at least friends."

Pansy looked down sadly and lost the battle to the tears building in her eyes. Draco noticed immediately the change in Pansy's demeanor and he reached over and took her hand, "I will run away with you right now if that is what you want."

"You know we can't…I know we can't," Pansy paused and finally looked up at him, "But this brings me to my other request."

Draco pulled her hand to his lips and kissed it gently, "Anything."

Pansy stood and pulled him from the stool where he sat. She leaned close and whispered, "I realize my timing could not be worse but…I want just one more…" she trailed off and pulled away, "Never mind…I'm sorry I –"

He said nothing before pulling her back to him and into a deep kiss. Draco fought to find his wand atop the bar and disapparated them from the pub. When he and Pansy finally separated they both looked around at the cottage in the forest. Draco pulled her close again and leaned in to kiss her. He stopped just as their lips touched and whispered, "If this is our last night together than it should be here."

She closed the distance between them and they said their final goodbyes.

*.*.*.*

Draco woke as the sun streamed in through the windows and realized that he was back in his room at the Manor. For several long minutes he wondered if the blissful hours he spent with Pansy had been a dream and then he found her letter on his pillow.

_17 April 2000_

_Draco,_

_I thought that I could do this, stay away from you, disappear from your life, but I know that I can not. You asked me to stay with you and if that offer still stands then I accept. I will stay away until after the ceremony and then if you still want me to…I will come back and take whatever moments in your life I can have. I await your invitation my Love and if none comes, if it is too much for you to risk once your new life has begun I will love you still until the day I die. _

_Forever yours,_

_Pansy_

The moment he folded the parchment and put it on the table next to his bed it disappeared. Before Draco had time to react there was a knock at his door and Narcissa poked her head inside, "It's time for you to get up and get ready, Draco. The ceremony is only a few hours away."

Draco smiled, though not about the wedding, and responded more cheerfully than expected, "I will start getting ready. Can you give me a moment, mother?"

"Of course," Narcissa closed the door and as soon as she was gone Draco went to his desk, pulled out parchment and a quill and began writing furiously.

_17 April 2000_

_Pansy,_

_Once again you have changed my world and made it so much better. I will contact you as soon as I can._

_I love you,_

_Draco_

He folded the parchment and called for his owl who escaped out the window just as his bedroom door opened again and Lucius walked in. Draco stood promptly and waited for his father to speak, but when nothing was said he interrupted the silence, "Is there something I can do for you, father?"

Lucius continued to look curiously at the sparkle in Draco's eye and after another brief pause he responded, "You are awfully happy for someone who was adamant this day would never actually happen."

"You have not given me any choice and in truth it is not nearly as tragic as I previously imagined. Astoria is lovely and we get on quite well. She's Slytherin, pure blood and has a _trouble making_ quality just under the surface that I very much admire. She is not Pansy, but she'll do, I suppose." Draco took a deep breath and walked to a chest of drawers where he started pulling items from each drawer. _Just get through today…the next few days and then you will see her again._

The Malfoy Patriarch continued to watch his son rush around the room preparing for the ceremony and after a long silence he cleared his throat and waited for Draco to stop and look up. "I have news, the reason for my interruption actually. You will be married today and then the families have arranged for an extended holiday for you and Astoria in Rome."

Draco knew Lucius was looking for a reaction, but he refused to expose his new arrangements with Pansy. The blonde smiled brightly and continued assembling his attire for the afternoon, "That sounds lovely. Astoria was just telling me how much she has always wanted to see the Coliseum." He stopped and looked at his father, "Thank you…we will be sure to acknowledge your gift at the reception."

Lucius' eyebrow arched and he continued somewhat suspiciously, "When you return Astoria's father has arranged an interview for you at the Ministry and –"

"The Ministry? Why on earth would the Ministry employ the misfit who planned to kill Dumbledore –" Draco cowered slightly at his father's enraged interruption.

Lucius approached and spoke in a quiet, but stern voice, "I do not _ever_ want to hear those words escape your lips again. Do you not understand what today means, Draco? This is your chance to start over, backed by one of the most prestigious wizarding families. I can not express plainly enough the severity of the consequences if you mess…this…up."

Anger washed across Draco's face as he glared up at Lucius and responded in equal tone, "You will kill Pansy. I understand you completely and that is why I am trying to make the best out of yet another disgusting_ responsibility_ to save this family. Now if you will excuse me I would like a few moments to myself to prepare."

Lucius backed away from Draco and started across the room. He raised his wand and opened the door then turned to Draco, "The security team on the grounds has been instructed to dispose of Ms. Parkinson on sight so I hope that was not a last minute invitation you sent as I arrived." Before Draco could respond Lucius exited the room.

Draco turned and raised his wand to slam the door then sat down on the bed. He ran his hands through his hair and sighed heavily as the tightness in his chest returned. No matter what plans he and Pansy made there was no way to stay off of his father's radar; not to mention Astoria was bound to be hurt. For weeks Draco's sense of protection had grown where his bride to be was concerned and he found himself torn between the woman he loved more than life itself and the woman who had befriended him under the most awkward of circumstances and with whom he was intended to spend his life.

He could feel the acid traveling up and burning the back of his throat as the clock banged away minutes; drawing closer to the moment where he would become someone's husband, knowing he intended on entering into an affair the minute he was able. So much of his old temperament was left and it was bubbling over into the person he had struggled to become. He felt persecuted and therefore entitled to selfish moments spent with the woman he _chose_ to spend a lifetime with. At the same time Astoria was just as much an innocent victim and after making it clear that she intended on being committed to their marriage she would be devastated if she knew what Draco had planned. He was confused and angry and felt himself slipping to a petty diabolical level where he once found comfort and control. After several manic moments lost in thought Draco was interrupted by a familiar gray owl flying in the window.

The bird landed on the table next to the bed and Draco untied the parchment from her leg, "I'm surprised you were permitted in, girl," he stroked the bird's head and continued with a chuckle, "I did not think the bride was permitted to converse with the groom before the wedding." The bird squawked at him then flew off and Draco opened the note and read quietly to himself.

_17 April 2000_

_Draco ,_

_I realize that this is not what either of us had planned for a wedding day, but I wanted to thank you for making the last several weeks very special nevertheless. You have surprised me in so many ways and though I was not your first choice I hope you know that I will be honored to be your wife. _

_With all of this awkward wedding stuff I can not help but wish you were here so I could talk to you about the fact that my mother is mental today and that I think I hate my dress now that I've put it on again. (I am afraid I ate far too much on that last trip to Diagon Alley.) It is all so strange because you never even noticed me at Hogwarts and in a matter of weeks you have become one of the best friends I have ever had. I suppose that says something for our future right?_

_I'm not even sure what I am trying to say anymore. I just want you to know that I understand as always how you feel about today. We are in this together Draco and I hope that you know I am here to support you always. I am not expecting you to love me, but hope that our future is as caring and safe as our beginning has been. _

_See you in a few hours…I'll be the plump blonde in the appalling white dress._

_Astoria_

Draco took a deep breath after reading the letter a third time then folded the parchment and put it in his book. He was even more torn and confused after reading Astoria's letter. They were friends now, if nothing more. If he planned to keep his promise to Pansy, that he would remain the person he struggled to become, then how could he knowingly hurt Astoria by having an affair? At the same time, there was no possible way of staying away from Pansy if she was willing to stay with him. Out of options and overwhelmed by the inevitable, Draco resigned to get ready for the ceremony; complete step one then move forward.

_**To Be Continued…**_


	2. Book Two: Draco

_**Author's Notes: **Book Two of Four. See Chapter One for description & disclaimer_

**Book Two**

_Draco_

"Never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never let me go she says. Hold me like this for a hundred thousand million days. But suddenly she slows and looks down at my breaking face. Why do you cry? What did I say? But its just rain, I smile, brushing my tears away."

_From the Edge of the Deep Green Sea_

The Cure

_**17 April **__**2000 – Malfoy Manor**_

The sun glistened through the trees that encircled the back grounds of Malfoy Manor. There were white flowers and green ribbons adorning everything that stood still and a whimsical music played delicately around the numerous guests taking their seats on either side of a long, fabric-covered isle. In front of the guests there was a white linen canopy over an altar lit with candles and soon after everyone was seated, Draco and Blaise walked to stand with the wizard who would perform the binding ceremony.

Draco looked at Blaise and whispered, "I can never thank you enough for agreeing to be here with me today. I honestly do not know how I would have managed if you had not shown up when you did."

Blaise put a supportive hand on Draco's shoulder and smiled sadly, "I wish that you were standing here waiting for Pans almost as much as you do. If there was anything else I could do to make that happen, you know I would, but for now all I can do is make sure you get through today. I would have never let you go through this alone."

The music changed and Draco smiled quickly then turned his attention to the end of the isle where Daphne Greengrass, Astoria's sister and maid of honor, started her procession. She stopped in front of Draco, leaned in and kissed his cheek, then whispered spiritedly, "If you hurt my sister I will kill you." She backed away and smiled then took her position at the altar.

Blaise chuckled quietly, having heard Daphne's threat. He looked over when he heard Draco inhale deeply and turned his attention to the end of the isle where the blond was focused intently on Astoria. Her blond hair was tied with flowers that formed a crown and curls fell in layers down her back. Her face was pale and angelic and perfectly complimented by the antique emerald earrings and necklace that fell against her white flowing gown. Draco was unable to escape his heartbeat that skipped when he saw her or the smile growing across his face as she walked closer and closer. _How could she think that dress is appalling… especially once she saw herself in it?_

Once at the altar, Astoria's father put her hand in Draco's and the little wizard conducting the ceremony started speaking loudly, "Ladies and Gentlemen, we are all blessed to bear witness to the binding of these two souls…"

The ceremony was beautiful and Draco was enchanted by Astoria, so much so that for the first time in years his mind was clear of everything else. Their hands were bound and they repeated their pledges to each other and finally the little wizard announced, "It is my honor to pronounce you bound for life. You may kiss your bride."

Astoria smiled nervously at Draco and was surprised at his lack of hesitation. He placed his hands gently on either side of her face and pulled her into a soft kiss. The applause from the guests interrupted the moment of their first intimate exchange and Astoria smiled and whispered, "See that wasn't so bad."

Draco smiled and took her hand, "Not so bad at all." He led Astoria down the isle and into the Manor where they were joined by all of their guests and overwhelmed with congratulations. After the last had been received, Draco and Astoria took a moment alone on the terrace.

The delicate blond girl led Draco over to a bench and sat. She looked down at her hand in his for a few quiet moments then back up at him, "I understand the rules here, but I can not help but be swept up in the moment. I know you are not really mine, but –"

He interrupted her by kissing her hand then smiled sweetly, "I am not sure how it happened in such a short amount of time, but you have touched my heart Astoria. I know our relationship is different than what you probably imagined having with your husband, but I promise you that we will figure this out. You also have my promise that I will give you the best life I know how. You will have to be patient with me often, but I will keep you safe from everything, including me."

She smiled warmly and rested her head on his shoulder, "And that is enough for me." Astoria appeared happy, but the look in her eyes caused Draco to wonder how long she would be able to keep up the charade; that anything less than him loving her too would ever be enough. They sat quietly together for a long time, reflecting on the day and reeling from the reality that they were now husband and wife. Eventually, they returned to the Manor and joined the celebration at their reception.

*.*.*.*

The Malfoy-Greengrass reception was nothing less than lavish and exquisite. The greatest chefs had been brought in with their personal staffs, ingredients and liqueurs. Every table sparkled with diamonds and emeralds and the guests were waited on hand and foot by dozens of servants rushing around. On the surface, it might have appeared that it was the celebration of a love story many years in the making, however Draco and Astoria continuously found themselves caught up in the oddity that they were actually married. After a multiple course meal, toasts and the cutting of their seven tiered wedding cake, the newly married Malfoys were requested in the spotlight for their first dance.

Draco took Astoria's hand and whispered as he led her to the center of the pristine white dance floor, "We can do this," he placed one hand on the small of her back, pulled her close and took her free hand, "Why do you look as if you are about to faint?"

Astoria felt her cheeks flush and forced a nervous smile as she gazed into his twinkling gray eyes, "No…I'm…this is just rather odd." The music started and Draco led them off; Astoria started to look down, but could not seem to take her eyes off the magnificence that was Draco, her husband. Before her mind could wander further, she interrupted the silence, "So how have you been doing this evening? Its amazing that we have barely even seen each other before now."

"Well we will have plenty of time to spend together in Rome…two weeks and the Coliseum." Draco forced a chuckle to cover for his panic over the ever hovering question; would he be counting the days until he returned to Pansy or would he be telling Pansy before they left that he could not do what they planned at all?

"You realize there are other things to enjoy in Rome besides the Coliseum." Astoria paused and smiled as she ran her fingers down his arm. Her breath caught as she felt the muscles beneath his robes then the broadness of his shoulder as she moved her hand back up. Finally, she looked down as a blush formed in her cheeks.

_What is she doing?_ _She needs to stop that right – _

Astoria responded to the awkward tension building between them and interrupted quickly, "And we can always just see the Coliseum and move on to someplace you would rather go. I think it is only fair that if we were forced to get married and take a honeymoon together that we should both make the most of it. In fact…if you want to leave me in Rome and go off on your own, I would be all right with –"

With each word that fell from Astoria's mouth, Draco felt his chest tighten. She was giving him the perfect opportunity to have exactly what he wanted while destroying her life in the process. To accept Astoria's offer meant that he was no better than the boy who wreaked havoc at Hogwarts years before; acting by whatever means necessary to insure his own _happiness_. Draco did not want to be that person any more and Pansy's words about him remaining brave and his own man pounded in his head. He finally looked up and brushed his hand gently down the side of Astoria's face, "I am not going to leave you in Rome. I'm sure we will find many enjoyable things to do there. I hope you know how difficult this has been for me, Astoria. I can not deny my feelings coming into this marriage, but you are truly an astonishing woman and I care for you far too much to see you hurt in any way."

She had moved her free hand up to Draco's shoulder and as he pulled her close her fingers tangled into the back of his hair, "I trust that you care for me and that you want to protect me, but honestly, Draco…I know that this will never be more than it is right now. You asked me to be patient with you earlier and I will ask the same in return, but please know that I understand you will never love me."

Draco felt Astoria start to pull away, but he held her close and rested his forehead against hers, "I am quite certain that I love you already…and that is when I lost control of this entire situation." Astoria pulled away, her expression filled with confusion, but Draco interrupted her visibly reeling mind with a soft kiss. "We are going to figure this out, I promise." _What am I doing? What is happening to me?_

After several more hours of celebration Draco and Astoria prepared to leave the reception. A suite of rooms had been secured for them at a high end hotel in London for the weekend and the newlyweds decided to change their clothes before the journey. Draco walked into his room, tossed several additional items into a bag he had started packing the day before and finally reached for his book of parchment. His stomach turned as he picked up a folded piece of parchment atop the journal and his hands started to shake when he saw his name scratched in Pansy's writing.

He unfolded the letter, sat on the bed and read quietly to himself…

_17 April 200_

_Draco,_

_You looked exquisite today, just like I always imagined. Of course, never in my wildest dreams, most especially after the year we spent together at the cottage, did I ever imagine that I would witness all of that brilliance from the back. I know I told you I would not attend your ceremony, but I had to see for myself that this wasn't just a nightmare. I had to know…that it was just a game, an arrangement. I wish I had left well enough alone because you failed to mention that you loved her, Draco. _

_Deny it all you want to, but I saw it with my own eyes. I knew you cared about her, but I could have sworn you said that you were doing this because you had to and that you truly loved me. I believed you again because for the first time you actually asked me if I would and you still lied to my face, just like always. I guess yet again I am reaping the consequences for who I am. I have also made one final decision about who I refuse to be anymore and that is why today had to happen no matter how painful._

_I will be eternally grateful that you saved my life and I will treasure the year we spent in our own little world, but I realize now that no matter what we said or planned, we were destined to end up this way. You were meant for someone spectacular and it would appear you have found her. It is truly my wish that you and Astoria have the most brilliant life together. She can give you what I never could; a beautiful family, a prestigious social life, opportunities for a brilliant career. _

_The truth is we have always been different and while we were swept up in the romantic gestures of rescues and hiding out together, we were always meant to say goodbye. I want you to know that you did everything you could for me, loved me more than anyone else ever has and I will cherish that always. Thank you for keeping your promise and remaining the wonderful man you became after the war. What we had was epic, while it lasted, but someone had to go and I volunteer. I asked you not to forget me and now I am begging you to push me as far from your mind as possible. Do not be poisoned by memories of what we shared; just look forward. _

_Let yourself love her, Draco, because there is no point in holding onto your love for me. I release you from your promises and if it makes you feel any better, I promise that I can and will take care of myself. Please don't try to find me because I am already gone. _

_Be safe and take care of yourself,_

_Pansy_

Draco read the letter over and over until he felt physically ill. Eventually, he was startled by a soft knock at his door and looked up as it opened. Astoria poked her head inside and smiled hesitantly; "Are you ready to…" she trailed off seeing that Draco was still in his dress robes. She moved closer and the pained look in his eyes accompanied by the letter shaking in his hands told her that their joyous wedding night was over. Astoria sat down next to Draco on the bed and put her arm around him, "Do you want to talk about it?"

Since the moment Astoria had opened the door, Draco had resisted any movement or reaction, but the words in Pansy's letter were burning him alive from the inside. _We were always meant to say goodbye. What we had was epic, while it lasted, but someone had to go and I volunteer. Let yourself love her, Draco because there is no point in holding onto your love for me. Please don't try to find me because I am already gone. _He was consumed with guilt and a million questions about what Pansy thought she saw and how she was physically able to leave without even saying goodbye to his face. After a long pause, he took a deep breath, folded the letter and tossed it on the table next to the bed, then looked at Astoria, "There is nothing to talk about. That was Pansy's goodbye letter –"

"She left?" Astoria appeared surprised by the news and paused after her outburst hoping she had not offended Draco by sounding in any way excited.

The blond man did not seem to notice anything besides the boiling in his blood and churning in his stomach caused by pain, disbelief, guilt, anger and just a hint of relief that disgusted him. Draco could feel himself slipping; he needed to put himself first and disregard the consequences of whatever wreckage he would potentially leave in his path. It felt like there was a permanent tear in his chest where Pansy's letter had punched him and the first thing he needed to do was fill it. He rationalized his next wave of thoughts as doing what Pansy had asked him to do, as keeping his promise to her, and he leaned over and pulled Astoria into a long, passionate kiss.

*.*.*.*

_21 May 2000 _

_It has been just over a month since the wedding and Astoria and I just returned from Rome. We decided to delay our trip because I was an emotional disaster the two weeks following our wedding night; the night I received the goodbye letter from Pansy. I'm not sure how Astoria dealt with me, not to mention her ability to hide my breakdown from my parents. She was amazing…is amazing… which is where I find myself these days…stuck between guilt over loving the woman I asked to marry me and loving the woman I actually married. I betray them both in their own right even though each seems to give me permission to love the other. And women wonder why men are always so confused._

_I have sent Pansy numerous owls, if only to officially say goodbye…if that is honestly what she wants. I must see her one more time. Every owl has been returned undeliverable. Zabini assures me she is fine and simply does not wish to speak with me and that has been enough to keep me from going to look for her. Perhaps this was just much simpler for her to walk away from. I can not imagine if the roles were reversed and I had witnessed her marrying someone else, by choice or not. But to walk away without so much as one last embrace, one last kiss. I realize of course that a time will come when I have to let this go, but I have not the slightest clue how to do that or when I will be ready to even begin trying._

_At the same time, things with Astoria are peaceful. We walked into our new and completely furnished estate home upon returning from our holiday; another gift from the parents. Astoria is in love with the place and I must admit it is quite spectacular and much warmer than the Manor. I sometimes find myself hating that I can see a future here. I hate that it creeps up on me, when I least expect it, that I want to just grab Astoria and kiss her because she looks beautiful or because she said something mental and I find it completely adorable every time. I hate that I have given into that impulse and that I am not only betraying everything in my soul that is screaming for Pansy, but I am also just leading Astoria on. I never thought I would hear myself say this, but I am looking forward to my interview at the Ministry next week and I hope I am able to obtain a position because anything would be a welcomed distraction right now._

_Current status: Disaster looms…the birth rite of a Malfoy._

*.*.*.*

At the end of May, Draco started his new job at the Ministry in the Department of Magical Transportation. He worked in the offices right next to Astoria and the increased time spent together caused their bond to grow deeper and deeper. Draco found that learning all about his new responsibilities, and his need to prove himself, were sufficient distractions from his thoughts of Pansy. He also found that he enjoyed every minute he spent with Astoria and his affections became more and more prevalent as time went on.

By the beginning of July, the Malfoys appeared to be supremely happy. One afternoon, after a long picnic lunch in a local park, they waited in the security line of the Ministry and Draco took Astoria's hand, "I was thinking we should plan a holiday for sometime this summer." With his free hand Draco moved a stray hair from Astoria's face and tucked it behind her ear, "You certainly did not have the honeymoon you deserved and I would like to make that up to you."

Astoria's face lit up and she moved closer to her husband, "That would be brilliant. What do you think of France?" The disgusted look on Draco's face caused Astoria to giggle, "What is wrong with France? Paris is beautiful and –"

"France? I have nothing against the French of course, but…" Draco scrunched his face slightly then continued, "I was actually thinking, since it is far too soon for me to ask for a work holiday, that we would spend a weekend in London. We can stay in a lavish suite, seek out the finest meals, shop, locate a quaint little pub to end each evening. What do you think?"

"I think that you are brilliant and I…" Astoria trailed off and her cheeks instantly rushed red.

"What?" Draco laughed at Astoria's lost train of thought and focused on her to continue.

"I –"

Astoria was suddenly interrupted by a commotion across the Atrium where an older witch had apparently been run into and was having a small fit. The Malfoys' attention remained on the incident and when the crowd around the screeching woman cleared, Draco involuntarily started moving forward and whispered, "Pans?" In a split second decision, the blond abandoned his wife in line and started rushing across the crowded Atrium. He saw Pansy back into a nearby floo, "Pansy, wait!" But as he passed the old woman and reached the floo, it was empty.

When Draco finally turned, Astoria was standing behind him. She put a comforting hand on his arm, "Do you want to go and find her?"

There was a long pause as Draco turned to stare into the empty floo. He finally returned his focus to Astoria and spoke softly, "No…if she wanted to talk to me then she would not have rushed off. I know she saw me and…honestly it is for the best. I have put all of that behind me and –"

Astoria interrupted Draco with a long hug, "You don't have to make excuses or try and explain, Draco. I imagine this was devastating…finally seeing Pansy and she runs away. I'm sure it is only to protect herself, but I am sorry that it hurt you."

Draco pulled away just enough to look into Astoria's genuine eyes. He brushed her face and kissed her gently, "No way in this world do I deserve you. I should have never left you to run after –"

She put her hand up to Draco's mouth to quiet him, "You asked me to be patient with you and I agreed. Please let me help you if I can and know that I am not asking for explanations and you have no need for excuses. I do not envy you, Draco, but at the same time I worry that you continue to be hurt by this when obviously Pansy wants to move on." Astoria paused and brushed her hand down the side of Draco's face, "I hope that I am able to help you do the same."

"You help me every day, in fact, I do not know most times what I would do without you. I'm sorry that you continue to be hurt by all of this." He wrapped his arms tightly around her, "That is never my intention." A peaceful silence fell between them as Draco continued to hold Astoria tight. Finally they were interrupted by a familiar voice approaching.

"Isn't there an office you two can sneak into instead of putting yourselves on display in the Atrium?" Blaise approached as the finally calmed old woman was being moved away. He smiled at Draco and chuckled, "Did you knock that old woman down, Malfoy?"

"No, Pansy did…while furiously trying to get away from me." Draco ran his fingers through his hair and looked to Blaise for an explanation.

The clock chimed five minutes to one o'clock and they started moving back to the security line as Blaise responded, "What in the world was Pansy doing here? I imagine she wanted me to take the afternoon off again."

"So she _is_ staying with you?" Draco could not control his annoyance, and though he acknowledged that it was unfounded, the blond was also dealing with a sense of betrayal.

"Of course she is staying with me, Draco. Where else was she supposed to go?" Blaise barked his response having witnessed Draco's irritation, but softened quickly and smiled at Astoria, "I just want you to know that I really do think the world of you, Astoria and that no matter how something that is said may sound, I know you were thrown into this situation just like everyone else. I think that what you two have going together is brilliant…but Pansy and I have been friends since we were kids." He shifted his focus to Draco as he continued sadly, "All the times you made her cry I was there and –"

"Get on with it, Zabini!" Draco felt Astoria squeeze his hand and he took a deep breath, "I'm sorry…I know that you are in the middle and I know she does not want to talk to me and I have accepted that, in fact…things have been better lately. But seeing her threw me a bit." He looked sadly down at Astoria and kissed her head, "You were brilliant as always. Thank you."

"You're welcome," she smiled at Draco then over to Blaise, "And thank you on behalf of both of us for all that you have done for Pansy. I can not even imagine what this must be like for her and especially after all that she has already been through. I can't help but feel guilt for my part in her suffering."

Blaise patted Astoria's head and smiled, "Malfoy does not deserve such an amazing woman." He smiled at Draco's playful scowl then continued, "And no one should count Pansy out. If it will make you both feel better, she is doing very well; she has a job that she loves and has made a few friends there. She has even been asked out for a couple of dates, which she has declined, but I think that eventually she is going to be able to put all of this in its proper place and fulfill her dream of having a good life as a good person. Whatever happened to all of us that we became so desperate to be respectable?" Blaise laughed hoping to relieve the look of pain on Draco's face; brought on by the reference to Pansy being with any other man.

They were finally at the front of the line, passed through security and walked onto the same lift. Draco put his arm around Astoria and looked to Blaise, "I am sorry for snapping at you."

"Draco, we have been friends for more than a decade and you have always been snapping about something. As your friend, and the best man at your wedding, I can only point out that you have a wonderful life ahead of you and a beautiful wife to share it with. This is not what any of you planned, but it has worked out brilliantly…don't find ways to mess it up," Blaise paused, and chuckled at another offended look on Draco's face, "You are not that person anymore." The lift stopped at the sixth floor and Blaise held the door for the Malfoys, "Have a good afternoon."

"You too, Blaise, thank you again." Astoria smiled and moved out of the lift.

Draco paused, "Please, take good care of her."

"The best…you have my word. I will even see if I can leave for the afternoon so I can go check on her after the Atrium incident. Just take care of yourself, Draco…that's all she wants." Blaise smiled sadly as Draco walked off the lift without another word.

Astoria waited and took his hand when he caught up, "How are you?"

"You realize Zabini supported my theory; I really do not deserve you." Draco kissed her head and smiled, "I'm all right…and ready to resume our conversation about our holiday." Draco squeezed her hand and opened the door for her. He held back his need to scream the entire walk to Astoria's office and covered the possibility that he may burst into tears at any moment. Just outside her office door, he kissed her softly, "Have a brilliant afternoon and I will see you in a few hours."

She reached up and brushed his face, "I love you…and you don't have to say it back, but that is what I was going to say to you in the Atrium and I do not want to wait any longer to say it freely."

They were the words that Draco had feared hearing from Astoria since their wedding day, but somehow, even after all that had just happened, the words were sweet and settling to him. Even more surprising was his need to return her sentiment; the fact that his words were genuine and that he felt them for someone other than Pansy was astonishing. He was falling in love with Astoria, probably had been since the day of their wedding; and whether it was all an act or painfully real, Pansy had moved on and it was time for him to do the same.

After only a short pause, Draco held Astoria's face gently in his hands and whispered, "I love you, too. Without a doubt I have from the beginning and I hope you know it is not in spite of anything, but because of the wonderful woman you truly are."

Tears fell down Astoria's face and she smiled as Draco pulled her into a kiss. She attempted to respond when they separated, but was giddy and could not form a sentence. Instead she kissed Draco quickly and giggled as she rushed through the door of her office.

Draco laughed as he usually did when Astoria was flighty about something then he walked to the next door down the hall. He settled at his desk and took a moment to reflect on another whirlwind afternoon. There was definite sadness over all things Pansy; a void that for more than a month Draco had started to accept could never be filled. At the same time, he was so fortunate to be given a second chance: a job at the Ministry which he excelled at and actually enjoyed, a beautiful estate to live in, approval and peace from his parents and quite possibly the most amazing woman in the world, next to Pansy Parkinson, on his arm. It was a painful realization, but as it filtered into Draco's mind, he breathed the first real sigh of relief since the day his father had appeared at the cottage in the forest. He had kept his promise and remained the best man he could be and was actually enjoying the life he had built. A familiar feeling of freedom returned and Draco smiled as he focused on his desk and his afternoon of work.

*.*.*.*

_13 July 2000 _

_Astoria told me that she loved me today. I was worried about this moment and thought that when I returned the sentiment it would be out of a sense of obligation, but I do love her and it was brilliant to finally be able to say it out loud. The timing was admittedly strange since just moments before I had gone charging across the Atrium when I saw Pansy. She ducked into a floo and disappeared just as I reached her. Blaise confirmed that she has been staying with him; she has a job and is probably one invitation away from dating. Apparently, she is doing really well and I am happily married, so…that's that…_

_I want her to have a brilliant life and though at first I merely accepted my own fate, I can honestly say that I enjoy my life regardless of how much I miss having Pansy in it. Of course, I understand that we could never be friends. In truth I believe the only reason this transition has been bearable is because we have been separated completely. I guess I would just feel better knowing that when we run into each other in the future that she won't run away. I feel like another bond with her was broken this afternoon. With the exception of the fact that she still has a rather large section of my heart and soul, there is nothing else left that holds us together. It almost feels sometimes as if that year together, even the seven years prior, did not exist. _

_But enough of all this! Pansy is working on a life of her own, without me, and I was handed a life that I can either nurture or destroy. Because of my feelings for Astoria and my promises to Pansy I have a responsibility to do the best I can to keep my head up and my mind focused on the wife and home and career I have been blessed with. _

_Zabini was right…how is it that we all became so noble, responsible and desperate to be accepted? I will admit… respectable fits comfortably._

*.*.*.*

Each sunny day of summer ended with the Malfoys feeling closer than ever; and the memories of Pansy seemed to start fading each evening with the sun. The hole in Draco's chest seemed filled by Astoria's presence and she patiently reassembled the fragments of his heart, just like she promised from the very beginning. Promising changes in Draco's personal life were not the only things in abundance. In the fall, he was requested to interview with the Department of Magical Cooperation and in October of that same year, he was promoted into an assistant's position. To celebrate, he decided to take Astoria to London for a holiday weekend.

They arrived early on a Saturday and upon checking into their hotel suite, spent the entire day trying to leave the room with little success. The sun had started to set when Draco leaned over and kissed Astoria. He brushed her disheveled hair from her face, "I don't know about you, but I am starving. We should shower and go find food."

Astoria smiled and pulled Draco back to her when he started to get up from the bed, "Can we come back here after?"

"Please do not interpret this as a complaint, but what has gotten into you?" Draco's eyebrow arched in response to Astoria's devious smile and he leaned to kiss her quickly then jumped up before she could catch him again. "Yes we can come back, but we should spend at least a bit of time enjoying London."

She playfully pouted, got up, then rushed to the bathroom, "Let's shower then."

Draco chuckled and followed after her quickly and nearly an hour and a half later the Malfoys were finally ready to walk the streets of Muggle London.

Draco and Astoria walked hand in hand down the lively streets and finally came across a pub off the main strip. "_The Cupboard?_ Sounds interesting," Draco put his arm around Astoria and led her into the pub and over to a corner table. He looked around quickly, taking in the atmosphere, then looked back into the twinkling blue eyes focused on him. "As soon as we have drinks I will toast the many wonderful ways you have changed my life."

Astoria blushed, as she always did when Draco said sweet things to her. She took his hand across the table and smiled, "I hardly caused you to be noticed by the Department of Magical Cooperation, the International Department of Law no less."

He squeezed her hand then leaned close to her, "I think they noticed me because of the beautiful woman on my arm. They are probably all plotting to steal you from me." Draco brushed a stray hair from her face then pulled her into a kiss.

They were both startled by the sound of shattering glass across the pub and focused their attention on the bar. Draco chuckled and squeezed Astoria's hand, "We have to remember we are in a Muggle pub; shattering glass does not automatically equal _dark wizard activity_ here. I guess that's why I was willing to come into a Muggle pub at all."

Astoria smiled and looked around to make sure no one heard what Draco said, "You never know..." she lowered her tone and leaned in close to him, "Muggles can be very dangerous."

"You are a girl after my own heart…"

"After it almost from the beginning," Astoria blushed and looked down, but Draco quickly reached over and lifted her chin to look at him.

"And you have it now, Love…I promise." Draco leaned in to kiss her just as the waitress approached the table.

"Sorry for the delay folks…I'm Maggie and I'll be taking care of you this evening. First round is on the house so what can I bring you?"

Astoria looked up and smiled at the redheaded woman, "I'll have a glass of fairy wine please."

The waitress looked at the blond woman with confusion and Draco chimed in immediately and with a quiet chuckle, "She means champagne; we will have a bottle and two glasses."

"Celebrating, are we? What's the special occasion?" The waitress set down napkins and menus while she waited for a response.

Astoria beamed brightly as she interrupted Draco's response, "My husband was just promoted to a very prestigious position in the Department of International Cooperation."

Draco looked wide eyed at Astoria, but his fears were soon calmed when the waitress responded, "Congratulations…a political man. I like when prestigious folks visit my pub, so anything I can do for you, please don't hesitate to let me know. I will be right back with that champagne."

Once the waitress was out of earshot, Draco took Astoria's hand, "I appreciate your excitement, but have you forgotten where we are?"

"I can't help it!" Astoria's cheeks were on fire and she pulled her hand from Draco's to cover her face. She moved her hands just long enough to continue quietly, "That woman reminds me of Madam Rosmerta from _The Three Broomsticks_…and she seems too nice to be a Muggle. I got confused!" Astoria quickly covered her face again and Draco just laughed at her.

The waitress returned to the table with the champagne and once alone again, Draco raised his glass, "Thank you for never losing your patience with or faith in me. You are the reason this has been a brilliant six months and I hope to be a more active participant in making the next thousand six months wonderful. I love you."

Astoria raised her glass and smiled as her cheeks reignited, "You will always have my love and support, Draco. I'm not sure how or why, but it has become instinct to be at your side no matter what. And you have made me very happy so I look forward to those next thousand six months as much as I'm looking forward to drinking this bottle and going back to the hotel." She tapped her glass against his and took a long drink.

"You have a one track mind right now. I like it." Draco took a long drink and leaned over the table to kiss Astoria. They finished off their bottle of _fairy wine_ and as promised returned to the hotel where they spent the remainder of their weekend in hiding.

*.*.*.*

_8 February 2001_

_Another new year and everything is certainly much different than it was at this time last year. Astoria and I had a lovely Christmas holiday and a blissful New Year. I am still excelling at a rapid rate in the new job. There have been rumors of a promotion to Jr. Detective this year and I am really hoping the rumors are true. The New Year looks bright, but I think this time of year will always brings me back to Pansy and that has me down a bit today._

_There are times when the pain of not having her with me is gone completely and other times when the thought of what she is doing at any particular moment feels as if it will drive me mad. I have stopped asking Blaise about her because those conversations become awkward so quickly. I just wish that I could see her, talk to her, hear directly from her mouth that she is happy and see for myself that she is healthy and well. To prove sometimes that she was actually real and that what we shared and how I felt wasn't something I made up. _

_I don't know why, but today is a very bad day. I'm sure my appointment this afternoon at St. Mungo's is not making my mood any better. A yearly physical is required for all Department of Magical Cooperation employees, so I have no choice. I just don't like Healers…they make me very uncomfortable._

Draco closed his journal when Astoria walked into the study and smiled up at her, "Good morning, sleepy. I was wondering if you planned on going to work today."

"I'm surprised to see you up and about so early, actually." She walked over and sat on the desk in front of him, "Especially since it was _you_ who kept _me_ up until the wee hours of morning."

He stood and wrapped his arms around her, "So very worth it though, wasn't it?" Draco leaned in to kiss her neck and after a few minutes she giggled and pulled away. He looked at her with a devilish smile, "We will continue this after work."

"Or maybe at lunch," Astoria giggled and hopped off the desk, "Oh wait…you have your St. Mungo's appointment this afternoon. Do you want me to come with you?"

"No, I think I'll manage. You just make sure you are here waiting for me when I get home," he kissed her quickly then grabbed his bag. "Go get your things now…we'll be late."

Astoria pouted a bit as she rushed from the room and down the stairs to collect her things. She met up with Draco in the foyer and they disapparated from sight.

*.*.*.*

Just before lunch, Draco found himself standing outside Blaise's office door. He was unsure what motivated him to be there and stood outside for nearly five minutes before finally knocking. When he heard the annoyed _"Come In,"_ he entered and sat in one of the chairs facing Blaise's desk, waiting for him to look up. After a brief moment, Draco finally spoke with a hint of irritation, "I can come back if now is a bad time."

Blaise looked up surprised and chuckled softly, "I'm sorry, mate. I expected you were one of my daft assistants, currently unable to even keep the players of the British and Irish Quidditch teams straight. You would think the names would be a dead giveaway…most of them, anyway. In any event, what can I do for you?"

"You can tell me where Pansy is because I have to talk to her." Draco took a deep breath after he blurted out his demand then continued quickly before Blaise could respond, "And don't tell me she does not want to see me because I do not believe it. I have to see her, talk to her one more time before I can truly put this all behind me. If that is what she wants me to do, if she still loves me at all, she will give me the opportunity to say goodbye to her."

"I'm sorry, Draco, but that is not possible," Blaise paused as the blond stood angrily and started pacing. He watched for a moment then continued regrettably, "She wants you to have your life and she has a life of her own now. Of course she still loves you, but she knows if you two are together again that disaster will strike."

Draco sat back down, "Do you know what happened? Has she told you what made her run in the first place?"

"I thought you were happy with Astoria and –" Blaise sat back when Draco flew up from the chair again and started pacing. "I know that you miss her, but do you understand why seeing each other again, starting the process all over again is not something that she can handle?"

"I hate that I have the life she wanted for me, but I don't have her to share it with. And I _am_ happy with Astoria, I bloody well love her; there is no more denying it. But I can not get Pansy out of my head and lately it's been constant." Draco sat back down and ran his fingers coarsely through his hair. "I don't know how to get her out of my system, Blaise. I'm not sure it is even possible."

Blaise paused as if considering the idea of giving Draco even a small detail. "I'm sorry, mate…I wish that things were different, but Pans has been adamant that this is the best thing for her. She never took the chance to put herself first and I think it's important that we respect this positive move forward for her."

Draco took a deep breath and looked up, "I could find her if I wanted to."

"I'm sure you could, especially in that new job of yours. I will guarantee if you find her, she will run; and not just from you this time, but somewhere no one will find her again." Blaise pulled a bottle of fire whiskey from his drawer, then two tumblers and poured them a drink. "Pans is serious about making herself a life; I've never heard her so ambitious. And though she loves with you with her whole heart, she is not comfortable being in your new life." He stood and handed Draco a glass, "I'm sorry."

The blond reached over finally and took the glass from Blaise, "Not your fault…" Draco trailed off and looked into his glass then raised it, "To Pansy…"

"To Pansy," Blaise tapped his glass against Draco's and took a long drink. He sat back down and looked up as his office door opened and a mousey looking girl walked in with a piece of parchment in her hand.

"Excuse me, Mr. Zabini, but I have an urgent message for you." She walked over and handed the message to Blaise then rushed out.

Blaise unfolded the parchment and his eyes widened. He folded it quickly and looked up at Draco, "I'm very sorry, but I have to go. Can we continue this later?"

"Well, my life is certainly not important enough to stand in the way of a Quidditch emergency." Draco chuckled and set his glass down. "I have an appointment I need to go to anyway, but we should get together sometime soon. Go have a drink and not talk about Pansy maybe."

"That sounds brilliant," Blaise rushed toward the fireplace in this office and turned to Draco quickly, "I will be in touch." Before Draco could respond, Blaise threw a handful of floo powder and disappeared from sight.

Draco let himself out and headed back to his office to tie up a few lose ends before moving on to St. Mungo's.

*.*.*.*

Hours after Draco arrived at St. Mungo's he was discharged with a clean bill of health. He rolled his eyes when he looked at his watch and confirmed that he had lost so much of his day then walked from his hospital room toward the lifts. As he waited impatiently, his peripheral vision caught sight of a familiar face and he instinctively started walked toward Blaise. Suddenly, as Draco approached, he remembered that Blaise had earlier been summoned on important business, an emergency and suddenly the blond man's heart started racing. _Pansy…_

Blaise was standing outside a room speaking with a Healer and when he started to walk away during the conversation, Draco hid in a doorway. _Once he is gone I can go and see her; see for myself that she is all right._ He followed his plan and at the point, when he could no longer hear Blaise, he moved forward toward the room. Just outside the door, Draco stopped and peeked through the small window. He expected the worst; that he would find Pansy in the same condition as at the shelter. To his surprise, Draco found his own worst nightmare on the other side of the door, but Pansy was fine, maybe a little tired, but comfortably resting in the arms of another man.

Draco backed up and felt the lump in his throat start cutting off his air supply. He rested motionless against the wall next to Pansy's door and fought with everything inside him not to bust through the door and challenge the unknown wizard on the other side. His mind raced with the split second memory of Pansy calmly, safely, and with perfect contentment curled up in the arms of another, and it started to feel as if he was being gutted. He fought for a breath and started to walk away when he heard a whispered holler from down the hall.

"Draco…" Blaise rushed toward the blond and grabbed his arm, "What are you doing here?"

"I was here for a physical and I saw you down the hall when I was waiting for the lift. I remembered your emergency earlier and if it was Pansy I had to see for myself that she was all right…" Draco looked down and fought back the tears and screams and gasping that all felt ready to take him over. He finally looked up at Blaise as tears started to stream down his pale face, "And now I see that she is just fine, so I'll be going."

Blaise appeared genuinely saddened for Draco and Pansy's situation, but he was in the middle and had to protect both sides as best he could. He chased after Draco, "What did you see?"

"You're not actually going to make me say it are you, Blaise? You know what I saw." Draco started pacing as he waited for the lift and as his patience evaporated he snapped and started quietly yelling, "You think I should suffer because of what I did to her, don't you?"

"I never said –"

"You didn't have to say anything, Blaise. Do you honestly think I do not punish myself every day for what happened?" Draco softened his tone and continued more quietly, "I do not love her any less than I did the day I came and asked you to help me find her after the war. I suppose now she and I are finally even."

The lift opened and Draco started to walk on when Blaise grabbed his arm, "Do you want me to tell her you were here?"

"Would it make a difference if I said no? Believe it or not, I am grateful that you have taken such good care of her, until someone else came along to care for her heart as well. At the same time, I know where your loyalties lie and whether or not I want her to know that I saw here and her new boyfriend, fiancé…because I also saw a ring…tell her whatever you want to. Tell her that I love her and I wish her the best of luck and that I'm all done chasing after her…so she's free." Draco stepped into the lift and as soon as the door closed, his eyes flooded with tears and he rested his head back against the wall, trying to gain his composure without success.

*.*.*.*

Draco apparated into the foyer of the Manor and felt as if someone had beaten him senseless. Before he could feel the ground beneath him, Astoria descended down the staircase and pulled him into a kiss. Seeing that Draco's thoughts were elsewhere, she quickly pulled away and smiled hesitantly up at him, "What's the matter? Did your physical not go well?"

He watched the rush of concern fill Astoria's eyes and he gently kissed her forehead and started toward the great room, "The appointment was fine, I'm fine, only a bit tired is all."

Astoria followed him quickly, sat down on the sofa next to him and ran her fingers through his hair, "What can I do for you? I can warm some supper or –"

"Actually, I would like to go to bed. I missed several hours of work today and will need to go in early tomorrow to catch up, and like I said…the appointment took the wind out of me." He turned and brushed Astoria's face, "I know I've been distant the last few weeks and I apologize because it will happen from time to time. I tend to get caught up in my head, but I never mean to neglect you."

She smiled reassuringly, "I have become quite used to your moods Mr. Malfoy as I'm sure you have become accustomed to mine. If sleep will make you feel better then to bed with you, and when your head releases you I'll be waiting." Astoria smiled and took his hand as she stood up, "Come…let me tuck you in."

As usual Astoria was understanding and supportive and her love was more important to Draco in the aftermath of seeing Pansy than it ever had been before. Suddenly, just having Astoria's hand in his calmed the ache in his chest and distracted him from the memories of earlier in the day. He smiled, picked Astoria up unexpectedly and apparated them up to the bedroom.

Astoria giggled as Draco put her down, "Change of heart?"

"You could say that," Draco moved close to the blond girl, brushed his hand down her face and neck and into the back of her hair. He pulled her close enough that his lips brushed hers as he whispered, "I love you."

"I love you too," she whispered breathlessly and ran her fingers up Draco's back, under his shirt and waited for the distance to be closed between them. Her eyes were closed and she fought to pull his lips to hers, but he had a firm hold on her hair and finally she opened her eyes and smiled, "What are you waiting for?"

Draco smiled and tightened the grip he had with his other arm around Astoria's waist, "I want to savor this moment, everything brilliant and stunning and mind blowing about you; I want to take it all in."

"Brilliant, stunning and mind blowing…" she smiled and felt her cheeks start to burn; along with the rest of her, desperate for Draco to finally kiss her. She ran her nails gently down his back and giggled quietly when his entire body shuddered. "Has it occurred to you that we may both combust from the energy right now?"

The game excited Draco, he felt in control and was resistant to end it so quickly. He moved just slightly and started to apply soft kisses to Astoria's shoulder, up her neck and to her ear where he stopped and whispered, "So you're feeling," he paused and bit her earlobe then continued, "energized? I certainly don't want you to combust, but…" he trailed off again and moved with kisses back down her neck and around to her other ear, "I think I'd like to see how long you can last."

Draco chuckled softly when he felt the pressure of Astoria's nails on his back increase and he moved his lips back to their position of barely touching hers. He felt her moving forward and he backed up slightly, "Did I tell you to move, Mrs. Malfoy?"

Astoria's smile turned from innocent and embarrassed to mischievous and delighted, "I apologize, Mr. Malfoy…I am trying to learn the rules of your game as I go along. Please teach me."

_It really is all just a game, isn't it? _Draco's mind slipped to distraction and before he could fall any further out of the moment he pulled Astoria into a long kiss and fought to lose himself in her touch.

*.*.*.*

_9 February 2001_

_Yesterday was a bloody disaster. Astoria was brilliant in washing away the memories of seeing Pansy and that slick git, who by the way did not even seem like he was much of anything special. Unfortunately, not all traces were erased because I dreamt about Pans last night…I have been dreaming about her a lot lately…even before seeing her, but…last night was surreal._

_I dreamt that I ran into her…in Diagon Alley and it was years from now. She was in Madam Malkin's with a little girl, no doubt being fitted for her Hogwarts robes. The child was brilliant, exquisitely pale with long and curly silvery blond hair and violet colored eyes similar to Pansy's, but with fragments of gray. I found myself walking towards her as if she was mine. She looked like me and she was obviously Pansy's, so of course why wouldn't she also be mine? That's when the slick git imitation me walked up and the little girl ran from the fitting platform and into his arms. Pansy was quick to follow and pulled the bastard into a kiss. They walked out together, passed me to get to the door and that is when Pansy nodded; like we were acquaintances and it was the appropriate thing to do. I woke up choking and just thinking on it now makes me want to vomit._

_She had a ring on yesterday in the hospital…and Blaise did not deny anything when I referred to her fiancé. How can I be so selfish and hypocritical when not even a year ago Pansy witnessed me marrying Astoria? Because I'm Draco Malfoy and at the core I am dysfunctional; it's hereditary and my birth rite._

_If Astoria ever found this book and knew the internal workings of my mind it would devastate her. I would never want to hurt her and therefore I must vent here that I love my wife, but I feel back at square one putting Pansy behind me. I was consumed all day by the memory and am now counting down the minutes until evening becomes night and I am forced to risk the return of the images that pain me in the form of dreams I can not control._

Draco closed his book, placed it in the desk drawer and locked it before resting his head in his hands for a few quiet moments. He eventually took a deep calming breath, stood and walked out of the study. In the great room he found Astoria sitting in the dark. He raised his wand to light a few random candles then sat down on the sofa next to her. When he started to speak, Astoria tensed next to him; tension that his own body immediately mirrored. "What's wrong, Love?"

"Nothing…I'm just…it's nothing," Astoria stood quickly and started toward the foyer.

"That is convincing," Draco stood and rushed after her, "Astoria, tell me what is wrong; maybe I can help."

Astoria was halfway up the steps when she felt Draco behind her; she turned swiftly and hissed, "Can you stop dreaming about Pansy? Do you have that much control that you can stop saying her name in your sleep?"

"I had no idea I –"

"Of course you had no idea that you were doing it. I never imagined you were having the dreams on purpose either, which is why I didn't want to say anything, because it just…_is what it is_." She pulled her arm away from Draco's hand and continued up the stairs as tears started streaming down her face.

Draco charged up the stairs after her and followed her into the bedroom, "Astoria, I am so very sorry –"

"I don't want your apologies, Draco," she turned and wiped her tears roughly, obviously agitated with her emotions, "I just want you to love me –"

He rushed to her and pulled her close, "I _do_ love you."

Astoria wrapped her arms around his waist and inhaled deeply as she rested her head against his chest. After a long silence she whispered, "Like her…" Tears streamed down her pale face as she continued, "I want you to love me like you love her."

Draco rested his head against the top of hers and closed his eyes. _I honestly wish I could. _What could he say in response to his wife's request? He could not love anyone the way he loved Pansy; he had tried. Instinctively Draco pulled away and looked at Astoria, "There is no competition, Love. I'm not sure what more I can do to convince you how much I love you, Astoria –"

"I'm not questioning that, Draco," she pulled away and ran her fingers through her hair, "This is not worth arguing over. I wish I had not said anything in the first place, but…I just had a very emotional day today and…" Astoria's tears returned and she walked over to sit on the bed.

He followed her, sat close and wrapped his arms around her, "Did something else happen?"

"No and that is why I am just acting mental; I'm so sorry and –"

Draco tightened his arms around her and kissed her head, "You are apologizing to me now? That is mental," he pulled away and dried her tears, "Put on a dress…we're going out tonight."

"Where?"

"No idea," he stood and held out his hand, "I guess we will figure it out when we get there." Astoria put her hand in his and Draco pulled her up and into a long kiss, "Get dressed…"

Draco pulled away from Astoria and walked to his closet; his mind was racing. _The perfect place to take your wife, after you have said another woman's name in your sleep, and are in desperate need to fix it would be…_

*.*.*.*

_10 March 2001_

_I believe we have finally moved past the Pansy dream situation…only took about a month. I suppose I can not blame Astoria, but at the same time she did not make this process easy. To make matters even worse my father paid me a visit at work this afternoon and started asking a million questions about when I intend to begin working on the production of another Malfoy heir; whose head he can mess with and life he can destroy. I told him that I had no plans to procreate in the near future and you can imagine how well that was received. Astoria and I have not even discussed it and honestly we are both far too young still to even consider the possibility. I would only pray that if Lucius has determined a magical way to impregnate Astoria with the Malfoy heir, without either of us knowing, that my mother would step in and stop him. This entire thought is disturbing._

_The dreams of Pansy are gone. They lingered for a few weeks afterwards and whether I ever said her name aloud again will remain a mystery to me because I know Astoria will never discuss the subject again. It has been torture to push any thoughts of Pans from my mind, but it is imperative that I not have any more lapses. Lucius also reminded me this morning of the importance of Astoria's happiness. I know she would never tell him that I made her unhappy, but I am forced to believe he really does know everything and I will not have him reaching into Pansy's world and causing undo pain as a result of my inability to focus on my responsibilities._

_Draco Malfoy…puppet…_

*.*.*.*

By the first of April, Draco had already started thinking of the perfect anniversary gift for Astoria. Not only was it their first anniversary, but he felt particularly guilty for their last wave of marital stress; saying Pansy's name in his sleep. When the most brilliant gift idea finally came to him, on his way home from work one afternoon, Draco could hardly wait to get home and start planning. He arrived in the foyer of the Manor and started to rush up the stairs when he heard crying in the great room. He paused slightly, considered pretending he had not heard Astoria weeping, then walked into the great room and over to the sofa.

Astoria quieted herself immediately and dried her eyes as she heard Draco approach. She started to stand and greet him, but he took her hands and knelt before her. "What have I done now?"

"Nothing…" Astoria smiled and fought to stop more tears from falling, "I had a bad day that had nothing to do with anything you did. I certainly hope I have not made you one of those husbands…convinced he can do nothing right because that is just not true!"

Draco sat on the sofa next to Astoria and wrapped his arms around her. "You are going to dehydrate if you continue crying like this. Something terrible must have happened…and if it was not me than whom should I be going to battle in your honor?"

"No one…I'm just a little hormonal is all and…" Astoria trailed off when she felt Draco's body tense next to her. She pulled away and smiled at his terror stricken expression, "Not that kind of hormonal…calm down."

_Did I just act like the thought of having a child is the most revolting thing in the world? I bet I did._ Draco's expression softened and he started to defend himself, "You understand that any reaction you just received was instinctively male. I of course want children, I simply think we are still young and may be best served to enjoy each other for a few more years before sacrificing our lives on the alter of little Malfoy's every whim."

"I agree…still I saw the most beautiful little girl today and –"

"See…everyone believes that little girls are the easiest because they are so cute. I tend to think that little girls can be evil and therefore require a great deal of work, especially on the first try when you have no idea what you're doing in the first place." Draco chuckled and leaned close to Astoria, "I have no doubt any daughter of ours would have me wrapped around her little finger as tightly as you do." He pulled her into a long kiss then rested his forehead against hers, "Is this a conversation you want to entertain? I know you said that you agreed earlier, but if you –"

Astoria pulled away and smiled at Draco, "Don't be silly. How on earth would we manage a baby right now? I just mentioned this little girl in particular because she really left an impression."

"Where were you?"

"Diagon Alley," Astoria seemed distant as she paused for a moment, but quickly snapped her attention back to Draco, "I am just really sentimental for some reason today. Perhaps it was the reason for my shopping trip today."

"And what reason would that be, Mrs. Malfoy?" Draco chuckled when Astoria's cheeks turned bright red, "Can you believe its almost been a year?"

Astoria sat back on the sofa and pulled Draco's arm around her, "And though things have been rocky at times, I think it has been a rather good first year."

"I'm glad that you feel that way and I certainly agree," Draco kissed her head and rested his head against hers. "So what did you buy me?"

"Not a chance, Draco. Should I make reservations at one of our favorite restaurants or would you rather stay in?"

He tightened his arms around her and smiled at the thought of his surprise, "You should plan on being in the foyer, at exactly five o'clock on Friday, wearing something green. Those are the only plans you need make and I will take care of the rest."

"You know you have to give me some idea of where so I know how to dress." She pulled away and smiled when she saw Draco's playfully mischievous grin smiling back at her. "You're not going to tell me?"

"I told you something green; you will just have to trust me on everything else." He pulled her into a long kiss and after a few more moments of taunting her with the secret, Draco rushed up to the study to put his plans down on paper.

Draco had barely shut the study door when he heard a knock at the main door downstairs. He walked into the hall and stopped his eyes from rolling as he saw his father walk into the foyer.

"Lovely to see you, Astoria; are you feeling well my dear? You appear to have been crying." Lucius glared at the staircase as Draco descended, but quickly focused his attention back to Astoria who started responding immediately.

"I am quite well actually; a bad day at work is all," Astoria smiled brightly at her father in law and then to Draco when he stood beside her. "Please come in; may I get you anything?"

"Actually I have come to speak with you, my dear. There was no need for Draco to pull himself away from whatever distracted him from you in the first place." Lucius was locked in a stare with Draco; obviously inciting him to respond, but it was Astoria who interrupted.

"He was planning my anniversary surprise so…off with you then…back to planning." She squeezed Draco's hand and kissed him quickly, "I love you."

"I love you too," Draco kissed her head then walked reluctantly back up the staircase. As soon as he was behind the door of the study his mind started to race. _What on earth could he possibly have to say to Astoria in private? He is going to have the baby talk with her and we just agreed…maybe that is why he is here…he has this place under surveillance and he heard our conversation. _The minutes ticked away and Draco never moved from the door; he waited to hear something that indicated the secret meeting was over.

After nearly a half hour, he heard Astoria's cheerful voice travel up the stairs and at the sound of his name Draco opened the door. He started down the stairs and smiled at the illuminated blond girl, "Safe for me to join the conversation then?"

"It is, but I am actually going to leave you two to talk now," Astoria pulled Draco into a quick kiss, "I'm going to go and start dinner." She rushed from the foyer and Draco watched her disappear from sight.

"You are lucky she loves you as much as she does and was willing to cover for whatever you have done to upset her. Saying Pansy's name in your sleep again or is it something even more offensive this time?" Lucius met his son's glare and grinned at the level of irritation he was able to instill.

Draco took a deep breath, never breaking his stare with his father, "I will have you know that until you just brought her up I have not thought of Pansy at all. Now, what did you and Astoria have to discuss?"

"None of your business, Draco, now I…" Lucius paused when an owl tapped at the window and he realized it was his own. He opened the window and took the parchment from the owl's leg. The Malfoy Patriarch read quietly to himself and his expression grew more enraged with each word. Finally he crumpled the parchment and looked at Draco, "You have been spared by an unforeseen mishap I must deal with."

"That means someone is about to be killed…or worse." Draco rolled his eyes and went to open the door, "Somehow I imagine this conversation is not over so I will await your return."

Lucius left with one more darted glare at Draco and once the door was shut the blond rushed into the kitchen. "So, what did my father have to say?"

"That the first thing you would do after he left is start asking about what he had to say." Astoria laughed and walked over to him, "It was nothing bad, I assure you. He wanted to discuss a gift for our anniversary…something else to secure our future."

Draco was hesitant despite Astoria's efforts to reassure him, "What kind of gift?"

"A surprise," she pulled him into a kiss then wrapped her arms around his waist, "I know that he is very hard on you, Draco, but it is obviously he loves you very much. He has your best interests in mind always."

_Like when he set my path to become a death eater? _Draco squeezed Astoria and tried to push the worry about his father's involvement in any part of their future from focus. "I hope that you are right, Astoria, I really do, but you can understand my reservations. Still I trust your judgment and I know that you honestly do have my best interests at heart."

She looked up at him and smiled, "Always…no matter what happens, everything I do is because of how much I love you."

"I love you too," he kissed her head then took her hands, "Let's go out to eat…I need some air."

*.*.*.*

The following Friday at five o'clock sharp, Astoria stood in the foyer of the Manor dressed in an emerald green dress to her knees with a black sash. She looked around for any sign of Draco or something he may have left for her to find when suddenly a small table next to the fireplace illuminated. Astoria walked across the foyer and found a small bottle full of purple liquid and a little note tied to it that said "_Stand in the floo and drink me_." Astoria laughed immediately upon realizing that Draco must have been flipping through her Muggle fairy tale book and took his ideas from one of her favorites.

She followed the instructions and immediately disappeared from the Manor and arrived in another floo; she stepped out and into a large suite full of multicolored fabrics draped from the ceilings, pillows and eclectic mixtures of candle scents. There was a long table across the suite where a tea party was set up, there was whimsical music filling the room and tiny little fairies were dancing and singing all around the ceiling that was enchanted to look like the night's sky. Everywhere she turned was someplace comfortable to sit or lay down and finally after a few minutes of falling under the spell of the dreamland, she felt strong arms wrap around her from behind and Draco whispered in her ear, "Welcome to Wonderland. That is one deranged little fairytale, but we are about to have a really amazing night as a result."

"What did I drink?" Astoria turned in his arms and smiled up at him, "It made me feel a little funny."

Draco smiled, pulled her close and stopped just before their lips touched, "Just a little elation potion I picked up from a travelling potion master I used to know. I thought it would help set the fairytale mood."

"Did you drink it too?" Astoria bit at Draco's lower lip then pulled away and smiled, "Because if you didn't, you really should."

He nodded and pulled her into a long kiss and so commenced their anniversary celebration.

*.*.*.*

_31 May 2001_

_I have not written in forever…April was the last time, but since our anniversary celebration things have been incredibly busy and absolutely spectacular. My father has been gone since whatever mishap took place the day he was at the Manor. Even mother seems to have no idea where he has gone. I believe even she is a bit worried about what trouble he is causing in his absence. Whatever it is, he is distracted from the anniversary surprise he had planned so I am relieved. There has been little time to be concerned with his nefarious dealings when Astoria and I have been having such a spectacular time. Our anniversary night was magical…I keep making fun of her for continuously bringing it up, but at the same time I think about it multiple times every day even without her mention. Something really changed between us and it has made everything feel comfortable and whole for the first time._

_Just in time for my birthday. I am getting old…I do not wish to get old._

*.*.*.*

_5 June 2001_

_Draco,_

_I hate that things have been so awkward and distant between us. You have been one of my best mates since we were kids and despite the current circumstances, I simply could not allow your birthday to pass without acknowledgment. I hope that you are as well as you look when I see you and Astoria in the atrium from time to time. I would not be adverse to stopping into a pub sometime and catching up if you are interested. You know where to find me._

_Happy Birthday and may you find the best of everything in the year to come._

_Blaise_

Draco folded the parchment and put it in his desk drawer. He sat quietly and pondered all that had happened to lead to his separation from Pansy first and then Blaise. After several introspective minutes he walked to his floo and disappeared; arriving moments later in the lobby of the Department of Magical Games and Sports. A young and apparently terrified woman sitting behind a desk addressed him immediately.

"Good Afternoon, Mr. Malfoy. I will let Mr. Zabini know that you are here." She stood before allowing Draco to respond and disappeared through a door. Almost as quickly she returned and held the door open, "Mr. Zabini will see you now." The girl led him down a long hall and knocked on the last door before holding it open, "Can I get you anything to drink, Mr. Malfoy?"

"No thank you, I'm –"

The girl interrupted him and looked in at Blaise, "Sir…may I bring you anything?"

Blaise looked up from his desk, "No thank you, Amelia, and please stop calling me Sir."

"Of course Sir…I'm sorry Sir…Mr. Zabini…I'm sorry," the girl ran frantically through the door and shut it behind her.

Draco turned from the door to Blaise who was laughing and the blond joined in quickly as he sat, "You obviously mean business around here, Mr. Zabini."

"I lost my temper a few weeks ago and they have all been afraid of me ever since. I'm really glad that you came by, Draco. I was hoping my letter would help smooth the path and I'm happy it has." Blaise sat back in his chair and smiled, "And you look like you've been doing well. I hear a promotion may be coming any day now."

"Rumors at this point, but I'm really hoping that they are true." Draco smiled as he did a quick mental overview of his life and realized that things were quite incredible. "And you are scaring young girls…just like the old days."

Blaise smiled, but it faded quickly, "The old days…they seem like another lifetime now."

Draco's smile evaporated and he looked down quietly. No matter what he was doing at least several hundred times a day he was reminded of Pansy and just being in Blaise's presence made it impossible to stop the question from escaping his mouth. "How is she?"

"She's…all right, I guess. She left London and I am worried about her constantly." Blaise looked up at Draco's shocked expression, "I suppose you did not know she left?"

"How would I know, Blaise? She will not speak with me and that is the most you've told me about her since all of this started. Why did she leave? Why did you _let_ her?" Draco tried to control his mounting anger and concern, but found himself failing. He took a deep breath and waited with obvious impatience for Blaise to answer even one of his many questions.

"_Let_ her? We are talking about the same Pansy here, right? The only person she ever let tell her what to do was you, so I didn't _let_ her do anything." Blaise sighed and continued calmly, "I do not want to fight with you, Draco. It was insensitive to drop this information in your lap, I just…I miss her."

"_You_ miss her? I know a little about that, Zabini." Draco stood and started pacing. "At least you've seen her in the last year."

"Perhaps that is because I did not make her a bunch of promises and marry someone else; maybe because I did not fail to protect her…again." Blaise stood and his hands were both fisted at his sides, "There has never been a time you didn't take her for granted and you continue to use her every minute that you refuse to let her go."

"_Use_ her?"

"Yes, use her," Blaise moved around the desk and stood close to Draco, "You let her follow you around all during school and just sat back while she tried to move heaven and earth to keep you happy. Then you went off on your little _I'm going to avenge Daddy and become a death eater_ tangent and at the moment that you should have grabbed Pansy and run, you left her in the Great Hall to save your own ass. I will admit even I was fooled by your heroic display of tireless searching for her after the war, and yes, you did rescue her, but I wonder how much of your personal agenda that exercise served. Your redemption cost her everything; every time you come in contact with her it costs her everything, whether through your own acts or not."

"Wow…somewhere in all of this you left out that Voldemort _forced_ me to go after Dumbledore –"

"And even then your precious hands were spared any responsibility because Snape stepped in and did your dirty work. You can stand here and list for me the many reasons you were _forced_ to do the things you did; like you are some poor victim of circumstance. But if you honestly love her, even a quarter of as much as you claim, than why could you not step up like a man and tell your father to piss the bloody hell off? If you love her still, as much as you claim every time you come to me weeping and looking for information, then why are you still married to Astoria Greengrass and why have you not moved heaven and earth to find her? Because you don't _need_ to find her anymore; you have atoned for your sins and fallen into the pretty little life that Daddy set up for you. The fact that you've also been able to play martyr through it all no doubt made it that much sweeter." Blaise walked away and returned to his chair.

The tension in the room was suffocating, but the gasps were drowning in the deafening silence. Draco finally turned to look at Blaise and chuckled bitterly, "If you have felt this way about me all this time then why did you bother contacting me today? Why did you help me find her in the first place? Are _you_ in love with Pansy?"

Blaise looked up and glared at Draco, "Pansy is my best friend. While you were running the show, we took care of each other; just like we have in the aftermath of everything you put in motion. She left because of you and I wanted you to come here today because I wanted to see if you even knew anything about it. I wonder, Draco, when you are finally going to grow up and be your own man instead of the deplorable one your father continues to try and make you. I got my answers…now if you will excuse me."

Draco started to respond as Blaise walked out, but no words escaped his open mouth. He stood motionless in Blaise's office soaking up all that had been said and starting to ask himself the same questions Blaise posed. How had he let his father keep Pansy from him? How had he allowed anything his father did or said make him break the brilliant promises made in the cottage? Was it too late to get her back?

With a renewed sense of purpose, Draco rushed from Blaise's office and back to his own. By the time he sat at his desk the plans of hunting Pansy down and starting over were burning his mind and his entire body was shaking with the excitement of just smelling her hair and listening to her heartbeat. He pushed the dozen piled up messages from his focus; barely acknowledging the one on top from Astoria. He took a piece of parchment and a quill frantically from a drawer and started writing out his plan when suddenly something Blaise said crept into his memory and he paused.

"_She left because of you and I wanted you to come here today because I wanted to see if you even knew anything about it."_

What was Blaise talking about? What could have happened without his knowledge that would have sent Pansy running away from London? He had not seen Pansy in more time than was comfortable for him to count and his chest tightened. _What am I missing and why couldn't he have just… _Draco stood suddenly and hissed quietly, "Lucius," before stepping into his floo and disappearing from his office.

*.*.*.*

Draco arrived in the foyer of the Manor and started storming up the staircase when he heard his name coming from the great room and it was not Astoria. He walked back down the stairs and towards the voice, "Mother…what are you doing here?"

Narcissa approached her son and took his hands, "I'm afraid I have terrible news. Astoria's father was involved in an accident this afternoon. Astoria received the owl about a half hour ago and arrived at St. Mungo's just moments before he died."

Though the news was certainly devastating, what Draco had been expecting was far worse. He walked his mother over to the sofa and sat down next to her, "Have you spoken to her or –"

"She sent an owl and asked that I stay here and tell you that she knows you want to come to St. Mungo's, but she would feel better knowing you will be waiting for her whenever she comes home. For now, she is with her mother and sister and that is the best place for her." Narcissa hugged Draco tightly, "Still, I know you and if you have it in your mind that you need to be with her, you will find a way."

Draco pulled away and looked at his mother curiously. _Who is she talking about; Astoria or Pansy? _He took a deep breath, "If she wants me to stay here then I will respect her wishes. Will you stay?"

"Of course," she brushed Draco's face then wiped her tears, "I'm so sorry that this is all happening on your birthday."

_I completely forgot._ He chuckled bitterly as he recalled the earlier conversation with Blaise and the realization that there was a master plan which he still needed to uncover. Finally, he responded gravely, "It had already been a rather terrible day so…have you notified father of this news?" _Let him finally return and then when the mourning period has ended, I can find out what in the bloody hell he did to Pansy this time._

"I sent him an owl. He will be returning within the next twenty-four hours." Narcissa took a deep breath and gripped tightly to Draco's hand, "There is something else troubling you, Love…I can see it."

Draco looked up at her and was desperate to confess everything, but afraid that the timing was unforgiveable. Regardless of what he would find out about Lucius' actions towards Pansy, how could he leave Astoria now when she would need him the most? The lump in Draco's throat was growing with every labored breath and finally out of sheer frustration he started to cry. He reached out for Narcissa and held onto her tightly; each time he opened his mouth to explain his emotions his words would drown in a flood of new tears.

Narcissa attempted every motherly trick at her disposal to calm her son, but nothing helped. Draco felt himself being sucked under by the tide of his decided reality. He was trapped, perhaps Lucius knew he was planning on going after Pansy and arranged an accident for Mr. Greengrass to insure that Draco stayed put. Was it possible that he honestly was nothing more than his father's marionette and was there any way to stop himself from becoming tangled in the strings? The emotional moment was interrupted by the sound of the front door opening and Draco immediately stood and composed himself.

At the entry way of the great room Astoria broke into a sprint and threw herself into Draco's arms. He was quick to respond with a comforting embrace and whispered reassurances. Draco moved Astoria to the sofa and held her for hours as she sobbed in his arms. By the time the sun rose the blond girl was sound asleep and Draco felt his remaining grasp on his own free will spilling out onto the great room floor.

_This is your life now, Draco Malfoy. How many others will die if you continue to resist your destiny and test the boundaries of controlling your own life?_

*.*.*.*

_3 November 2001_

_The promotion was finally announced. I have been appointed to a position as an international detective within the Magical Law Office. To be completely honest I still have no idea what this position involves because they are in a separate office and little of the paper I have been pushing all this time ever gave me any hints about responsibilities. Still the salary is impressive, the title prestigious…and I will be able to travel._

_Is there any secret as to what I am thinking? Pansy is out there…who knows where because since my birthday Blaise refuses to even look at me. He seems worried about her and therefore I am worried about her and in the last sixth months I have not forgotten for one second the idea that Lucius was somehow involved in her departure. I have to see her, talk to her…make sure she is all right. I have tried to let this go; all the time spent with Astoria over the summer, helping her deal with her grief, I was focused on her, but still plagued by the idea that I have caused Pansy another upheaval. If Blaise would just bloody tell me where Pans is and what she was doing and how she was doing…maybe I would not have to use Ministry time and resources to track her down and find out for myself._

_Lucius has been distracted and agitated for months and even mother has no insight as to why. He's probably searching for Pansy too which is why it is even more important that I find her first. Why would he still be going after her? Did she try and contact me? Could he be intercepting my owls…did Astoria? Would she tell him of all people if Pansy tried to reach out to me? I have known from the beginning how painful the idea of Pansy must be for Astoria, but at the same time would she betray me that way?_

_Who is involved and who is affected by this is irrelevant. I find myself right back at the beginning…I have to find her._

*.*.*.*

_September 2002 – Malfoy Manor_

Nearly a year had passed since the day Draco vowed once again to do whatever was necessary to find Pansy. He dedicated endless hours of his free time and several Ministry resources to search the world for her, but for whatever reason Pansy was not using magic and was better hidden than he could have ever imagined. At no time did Astoria ever become privy to what Draco was working on and she had no cause to be curious because she was tended to and treated like a princess every day.

As summer started fading into fall the amount of time and effort that Draco put into maintaining his professional, personal and secret life caught up with him. One particular Sunday while Astoria was out shopping with Daphne, Draco started to crack. The Manor was quiet, as the women had started out on their excursion early, and Draco decided to spoil himself with a few extra hours sleep. When the afternoon sun threatened to penetrate the heavy drapes in the bedroom, the blond finally stirred; he sat up and fell right back against the pillows that lined the headboard. _Maybe one more hour…and one more dream about her…_

He closed his eyes and though horribly uncomfortable due the position he landed in upon throwing himself back on the bed, Draco fell back to sleep almost immediately. As if he willed it to be so, he could suddenly hear Pansy's voice faintly echoing through the room. He looked around and saw nothing but darkness yet her voice became louder with each word. After what seemed like a lifetime and still unable to see anything, Draco opened his eyes; he sat up slowly and moved forward on the bed as he watched Pansy walking toward him. Awestruck that she could actually be in his room he fought to move more quickly toward her. He could see tears flowing down her face and his heart started to race; when she spoke he stopped at the edge of the bed.

"_We need you, Draco…"_

Draco opened his mouth to respond, but no words came out and he was paralyzed as the image of her faded. He sat motionless, choking on the lump in his throat, and willing himself to wake up. After a few silent moments of a cold and unsettling feeling he stood from the bed and looked around. He stopped at the mirror, pinched his arm, and looked for any sign that he was in a dream state; desperate to wake himself from not only a vanishing image of Pansy, but one that was in need of help.

He rushed to the closet and pulled on jeans and a sweater; after dressing he sat down at the desk and wrote frantically on a piece of available parchment:

_Blaise,_

_I heard everything you said to me last year and I agree with most of it. In any event you owe me nothing, but I implore you to keep reading. The strangest thing happened today; could have been a dream, but I don't think so. I saw Pansy…she was in my room. She said, "We need you, Draco…" and then she vanished. I tried a hundred different things to wake myself up, but it hasn't happened yet and that makes me think this is real and so is the danger Pansy finds herself in. Danger that according to you, I somehow caused and…I know you will find her and make sure she receives the help she needs. I will go myself if you tell me, but I will respect it if you go yourself. Just please make sure she is all right._

_Draco_

Draco sent his owl straight away with the letter to Blaise then stormed down the stairs with no determined plan as to what he would do next. The minute he hit the bottom step the door opened and Astoria walked in with her arms full of bags and boxes. He instinctively rushed to her assistance, but could not have been further away from the foyer of the Manor.

Astoria noticed immediately her husband's uncharacteristically disheveled appearance and his all too familiar distant demeanor; she put her bags down and ran her fingers through his hair. "Did you just wake up, Love?" She continued to weave her fingers around the curls at the base of his neck, "You've been working too hard. You still look exhausted."

"I'm fine," Draco kissed her forehead then pulled away and collected all of her purchases, "Looks like you and Daphne had a productive morning. I'm glad to see you are finally taking advantage of the perks that come with the promotion."

"I actually didn't spend that much…it just looks like…" Astoria trailed off when Draco put the parcels on the sofa in the great room, turned and pulled her into a kiss.

He smiled when he pulled away then took the bags from her hands and went to put them with the rest, "I have been telling you to go and spend an obscene amount of money for months now. You should have absolutely anything and everything you could ever want, Astoria. Being married to me you have certainly earned it." Without much consideration for the time Draco walked over to the bar and poured himself a drink. He returned to a chair across from the sofa, sat as he took a long drink from the tumbler, then looked up at her, "So what did you buy?"

She smiled hesitantly then walked over and sat down on his lap. Her gaze on him was concerned and loving and she brushed the messy hair from his forehead then ran her fingers down his unshaven face, "Something is wrong, Draco…just tell me."

"Its like you said earlier; I have been working too hard and it's caught up with me today. I was actually headed out for some air so that I could be less broody when you came home." He kissed the side of her head then finished his drink, "You should show me what you bought and then I will go and take that walk and get rid of this dreadful mood I'm in. Tonight we'll go and do something together, I promise."

Astoria kissed him quickly then stood and pulled him up from the chair, "I can show you all of this later. Go and take care of whatever you need to take care of and I will be here when you return." She wrapped her arms around his waist and her eyes closed as his arms wrapped tightly around her, "If there is anything I can do to help you know that all you need do is ask. I would move heaven and earth for you, Draco."

"I know..." he trailed off and kissed her head. _You should be careful with that mission. The last girl who made that profession came to me in a vision this morning because my father is probably trying to kill her. _Draco's thoughts got the better of him and he pulled away from Astoria somewhat suddenly, "I'll be home soon."

"I love you," she smiled as Draco turned around.

"I love you too. I could never deserve you, yet you have been the most stable part of my entire life." Draco smiled when Astoria blushed then rushed from the great room before he was consumed by the guilt of yet another Pansy related distraction.

*.*.*.*

Draco wandered around aimlessly for hours and could not figure out what to do. He had searched tirelessly for months, but it was as if Pansy had just vanished. No response had come from Blaise so he had no other choice but to put his faith in his old friend who had pledged to protect Pansy always. His entire body ached and he decided to return to the Manor in order to come up with a logical plan.

He found Astoria sitting in the great room going through post and he walked over and sat down next to her; forcing a fake smile and kissing her quickly before sitting back and drifting off. Astoria interrupted the silence quickly, "We have been invited to a benefit for St. Mungo's in November and I think we should go. It will be fun to buy a new dress for a formal event. Oh and you received this post from Blaise about five minutes ago."

Draco snatched the parchment from Astoria's hand, stood and tore it open; pacing as he read to himself.

_9 September 2002_

_Draco,_

_Thank you for your letter and your concern for Pansy. I can assure you that she is fine so I am sorry to say that the only explanation for your vision is that you were dreaming._

_I continue to regret my behavior that day in my office…your birthday of all days and I said things I wish I could take back. I know that you love her, Draco, and I am saddened that no resolution to the pain you both feel seems possible. I only hope that your life is still filled with other forms of happiness and that this moment in time passes for you with the least amount of hurt possible._

_Take care of yourself and all my best to Astoria._

_Blaise_

Draco continued to stare at the parchment until Astoria interrupted the silence, "What does he have to say? I would hope an apology for whatever transpired between the two of you last summer."

"That's exactly it…he feels terrible for the things he said and hopes we can get together soon to catch up." Draco's back was turned to Astoria and closed his eyes and held his breath. He hated lying to her, he hated that Blaise was still close to Pansy and that he knew all of her secrets, including her location. Most especially he hated the feeling of constantly being pulled in multiple directions and this time his gut told him he was about to be pulled apart. _I know he's lying and I know she needs me. _After a few more quiet moments Draco turned, "I will contact him soon and we can go have a few drinks…catch up."

Astoria stood and pulled him into a hug, "Did your walk not help?"

"I'm sorry I'm just…tired has to the best explanation. I realize I slept all morning, but would you think me terribly lazy if I went to lie down?" Draco kissed her head waited for her reaction to his idea.

"Go…you need to catch up on your sleep…and I will wake you for supper." She kissed him quickly then shooed him forward with a loving smile.

Draco retreated to the master bedroom and immediately pulled out his book.

_9 September 2002_

_Pansy,_

_I must have written over a hundred letters to you in this book of parchment that I never intended on sending. I almost wish I knew where the hell you are and what the hell you are doing because this one could actually make the post. Of course you have refused every owl I have sent you since the day of the wedding so I would only be sending this in vain. It has been more than two years since I've even seen you. Actually less time if you consider the day I saw you and your new love through the window at St. Mungo's. I wonder if you are still with him and if he talks about how much he hates me for causing you to have to leave London. _

_It feels like more than a lifetime since I was close to you; yet the way your brown eyes look into my soul and the way your smile changes depending on whether you are feeling excited or mischievous still burns my brain daily. I did what you asked me to and remained committed to building a decent life for myself. A lot of things have changed during the last couple years including my numerous promotions, the distance that has developed between me and Blaise, which I am sure you know all about, and the fact that I have no choice but to be honest and say I fell in love with Astoria._

_Still, there is not a day that goes by that I do not want you right here with me. I spend the greater part of every day wishing that we were back at the cottage, hidden from everyone, running around the village Polyjuiced and falling asleep together every night. I would even take you as a Weasley right now…just knowing it was you. I have the life you wanted me to have, but it seems pointless and boring most times without you in it. _

_I had a vision of you this morning. I know it was not a dream and you said you needed me. Blaise says you are fine, but I must admit I do not believe him. Where are you and why are you haunting me if you refuse to let me find you? I have been searching for months and you are vanished…but permanent in my soul. Have I finally lost it? Have you finally driven me mad? It would serve me right after the atrocities I have inflicted on you. _

_I hope you know, wherever you are, that I love you more than I can say…_

*.*.*.*

Draco did not have another vision of Pansy, in fact, he stopped dreaming about her completely. As September turned into October, all of the energy and hope he had been focusing on finding Pansy ever again faded into the background of his every day life. He started accepting that she was gone to him forever; that all of his reassurances to himself that they were meant to be together, that someday they would be again, were naive. If she wanted to be with him she would not remain hidden and the vision was just another way of his mind trying to convince his heart that Pansy was no more to him than a ghost.

Though the ache that radiated through his body every time she came to mind did not vanish, Draco started finding that his life, his love for Astoria and her love for him was more than enough to sustain him. Every movement seemed smoother, his heart was beating and not painfully. Draco was peaceful and happy again and he did not need to pretend; and as a result Astoria spoiled him every chance she had.

One crisp evening in late October, Draco sat back on the sofa and wrapped his arms around Astoria as she leaned against him. "So, you cooked a wonderful meal, have catered to my every whim since I woke up this morning; what is on your mind, wife?"

Astoria pulled away and smiled, "I have to want something in order to pamper my husband?"

"So, you do want something," he chuckled and pulled her into a long kiss. He lingered close to her, his lips brushing hers as he spoke, "Ask me…"

She took a deep breath and pulled him into a quick kiss before blurting quietly, "I was wondering what you might think about trying to have a baby."

"Oh…" Draco instinctively pulled away, but only slightly then continued with a chuckle, "I was not expecting that at all."

"I know…I'm sorry, I –" Astoria started to get up when Draco pulled her back to the sofa and close to him. "We talked about this once before, but we never really said when we might entertain the conversation again. I do not want to pressure you. It was just a thought…that I've been having a lot and –"

Draco interrupted her with a long kiss then picked her up suddenly and started toward the staircase. Astoria laughed and wrapped her arms around his neck, "What are you doing?"

"Well, there's no time like the present to start trying…"

*.*.*.*

_12 November 2002_

_Dear Mr. Malfoy,_

_Please accept this friendly reminder about your appointment at St. Mungo's on 14 November 2002. If you are unable to keep your appointment, please contact our offices to reschedule._

_Thank you._

Draco tossed the parchment to the side of his desk and ran his fingers through his hair. In the weeks after their decision to try and have a baby, Draco and Astoria were inseparable. They used every opportunity to work on their project and discussed at great length the idea of bringing a baby home to the Manor. There was no denying that the more they discussed it, the more terrified Draco became, but only because the responsibility seemed overwhelming. He was more in love with Astoria than ever and committed to starting a family with her that would be different and healthier than anything he himself had known.

The door to Draco's office opened suddenly and he looked up, somewhat startled, "Good morning, Mr. Markman…please come in."

"I'm on my way to a meeting…can't stay. Only stopped by to congratulate you; as long as your physical comes back clean from St. Mungo's this week, you will be travelling the first part of December. There is a case we have been requested to provide backup for in Italy." The stocky older man smiled and started out the door quickly, "You deserve the chance to get out there and see the world, Malfoy. Don't mess it up."

Before Draco could respond, the door shut and the blond sat back and smiled. _Italy…by myself for a few days when I do not have to think about anything other than work… this will be brilliant. _Suddenly he could not wait for his appointment at St. Mungo's to arrive. He decided to refrain from telling Astoria about the assignment until he was sure that he would be going, but he wondered how he would ever contain his sudden excitement.

*.*.*.*

Draco was buttoning his shirt when the Healer walked back into the room. "You've a clean bill of health, Mr. Malfoy. Congratulations…you are approved for international travel."

"Thank you so much," Draco took his medical report from the Healer's hands as if it were gold. He placed the papers in his briefcase and slid his jacket on. "Am I free to go then?"

"You seem eager to take those reports back to the Ministry so away with you," the Healer smiled as Draco rushed from the room.

The blond paced outside the lifts for a few impatient minutes when he decided finally to take the stairs. On his way around the corner he slammed into the person coming in the opposite direction and immediately started making his apologies before realizing who it was. Upon recognition he blurted, "_Potter_…what are you doing here?"

Harry looked down at his white coat and the medical chart in his hand then back up at Draco and rolled his eyes, "Really? Not a dead give away, eh?"

"I've not the time for this, Potter. If you will excuse me," Draco moved around Harry and started toward the stairs.

"Congratulations, by the way…on your approval for international travel," Harry had turned and waited for Draco to turn around; the blond had already stopped walking upon the interruption.

Draco did turn and approached Harry; his voice was quieter, "How did you know about that? _I_ just found out."

"The approval requires the signature of three Healers. I was one of the Healers to sign off and –"

"And what…I owe you something else now?" Draco glared at Harry as if they were both sixteen years old again, at the height of their rivalry and was agitated that Harry refused to engage.

Harry chuckled and shook his head, "No…I'm just happy to see that saving your life wasn't a waste. Believe it or not, I am overjoyed and more importantly, relieved that you seem so well adjusted and stable now; leaves me one less thing to worry about."

"Well, since I'm so well adjusted now then I suppose I should say thank you…for helping Pansy." Draco looked down quickly, but back up at Harry when he did not respond right away.

"What do you know about that?" Harry appeared speculative about what he said and his expression blank as he waited for the blond's response.

Draco was admittedly confused by Harry's change in disposition. Why had a thank you caused a sudden tension or was it the mere mention of Pansy's name? "You could have pursued action when I impersonated you to sneak her out of that shelter. The actions you chose instead certainly made it easier for her and me to integrate back into society."

"But not together…that is a shame." Harry smiled sadly and started to walk away when Draco grabbed his arm.

"You seem to know an awful lot about me, Potter. Stalking me again?" Draco sneered when Harry turned around, but his amusement at giving Harry a hard time lacked the appeal it once had and he considered just walking away.

Harry rolled his eyes, "I was never _stalking_ you, Malfoy. You make it sound as if I was obsessed with you or something and my only interest was in whatever havoc you were trying to shower down on everyone. And as for Pansy, no one should have ever suffered the way she did in that shelter. The war is over and there is no reason to continue harboring resentments and hatred that stopped mattering the night Voldemort was destroyed."

_Saint Potter…some things never change. _Draco was startled by Harry's reaction to Pansy's suffering after the war. After all that had happened how was it possible that even the great Harry Potter could be so compassionate and forgiving? The conversation was leaving Draco incredibly uneasy and he finally looked up and responded mindlessly, "I will never like you, Potter, but I respect the person you are and what you have done to help people who certainly did not deserve it…including saving my life and Pansy's for that matter."

"We've all done our fair share of growing up since the war. I think everyone deserves the opportunity to put all of the past to rest and move forward with a clean slate." Harry took a deep breath and continued awkwardly, "In any event I do have to go now so…goodbye."

Draco nodded and turned quickly to walk back to the lifts. He waited no more than a minute and when the doors closed he leaned against the wall and his mind started racing. _Why did it seem like Potter knows something about something pertaining to me? And how does he not have the slightest trace of resentment towards Pansy…or me for that matter? No one is that bloody righteous. He said her name almost as if they were friends or…she would not honestly be fraternizing with the bloody chosen one and refuse to see me. _The doors opened and Draco moved lethargically from the lift. All of the excitement regarding his ability to finally travel for work was gone and a familiar knot had returned to his stomach.

_Potter knows something…and since he thinks its time we all co-exist…clean slated… I am going to get it out of him socially. _Draco reached the outside of Purge and Dowse and apparated back to his office. He filed his medical report with the department head and as suggested took the rest of the day off; but instead of going to the Manor he decided to pay Astoria a surprise visit. He knocked gently on her office door and smiled as he entered holding a bunch of wild flowers, "Surprise."

"This _is_ a surprise," Astoria stood quickly and rushed over to greet him with a kiss. She took the flowers, "These are beautiful. How did everything go at St. Mungo's?"

"It was brilliant; and it also got me thinking about that benefit this month. I know that I said at first that I did not want to go, but after my appointment this afternoon I started thinking about what a worthy cause raising money for our magical medical facility really is. So I realize this only leaves you two days to purchase a new dress, but I think we should attend." Draco was nauseated by the lies pouring from his mouth, but he had to figure out what Potter knew and the benefit would be a perfect opportunity. He pulled Astoria close and kissed her neck, "You've wanted to go somewhere fancy and dance…"

"You do not have to twist my arm, Draco…" she trailed off as he moved his kisses up her neck to her ear, "Though your powers of persuasion are always appreciated."

He smiled victoriously and realized the sensation of his lips moving against Astoria's skin caused her body to quiver. Moving back up to her ear with soft kisses he finally whispered, "Any chance you could take the afternoon off?"

Astoria reached behind her and grabbed her wand from on top of her desk, took Draco's hand and led him from her office and down the hallway. She did not even stop as she passed the reception desk, "I'm leaving for the day," then pulled Draco from the offices and into a lift.

*.*.*.*

Draco took Astoria's hand as he looked around the ballroom the evening of the St. Mungo's benefit. So many faces from the Ministry were present and accounted for as well as a host of other familiar persons buzzing around like the messengers of his past. He leaned over and whispered as he caught a glimpse of Ginny Weasley in his peripheral, "Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all."

Astoria turned and looked Draco up and down before smiling, "Anything that has you in that suit is a good idea in my opinion." She squeezed his hand then kissed it quickly, "Let's dance…it will take you mind off things." Astoria led him toward the dance floor until suddenly she felt Draco's hand pull from hers and turned to find him stopped dead in his tracks.

The walls started caving in and the choking sensation in Draco's chest and throat was alarming. His eyes were focused, wide and filled with a combination of devastation and fury. Astoria looked up at him with great concern, "What is it, Love? What do you…" she trailed off as she turned to see Pansy gliding across the dance floor with none other than Harry Potter. She took Draco's hand again and started to lead him from the ballroom, but he would not budge. "Draco –"

"No…I would like to see this actually." Draco's tone was calm and eerie and he did not break his burning stare on the dancing couple once. He was mesmerized by the sleekness of her body, hugged appropriately by the floor length hunter green dress she wore. Even more enchanting were the dark curls that fell down her exposed back and the smile that illuminated the room; accompanied by a giggle each time Potter spun her around. The realization of Pansy's dance partner was most unsettling and when he followed her arm up to the hand that was placed on Potter's shoulder he saw that engagement ring on her hand, the same one from the day he observed her at St. Mungo's years before, was actually the ring he had given her.

Astoria grabbed Draco's arm as he turned suddenly and started toward an exit. She followed him into the corridor and placed a comforting hand on his back as he was bent over leaning against the wall. "I'm sure there is a reasonable explanation for that and –"

Draco looked up and hissed at her, "She was dancing with Harry bloody Potter, Astoria. There is no reasonable explanation for that _ever!"_

"She's engaged, Draco, and certainly not to Harry Potter, but she had a ring on and –"

"That is the ring I gave her," he thought he might vomit at the mere remembrance of the day he put that ring on Pansy's finger. He swallowed hard and looked up at Astoria, "I'm sorry –"

"But when I saw her in Diagon Alley she said –"

"When you _what?"_ Draco glared at Astoria. He knew he must have heard her wrong because there could be no way this woman, his wife would ever have kept something so important from him. Astoria knew the truth from day one and if she had seen Pansy, knowing how he struggled with his concern, surely she would at least assure him that Pansy was healthy and well. He continued to look at her with a mixture of confusion and accusation; when she did not respond he continued as calmly as he could manage, "Did you say when you _saw_ her in Diagon Alley? When did you _see_ Pansy and _why_ would you have thought that this was an acceptable secret to keep?"

Astoria attempted to approach him, but cowered slightly when he backed away from her. Tears were streaming down her face and she shifted her focus back and forth between her husband and the floor; finally responding with a whisper, "I'm sorry…I was afraid that it would only upset you. She wants her own life, Draco, and –"

"So let me see if I understand this correctly," Draco looked up and moved close to Astoria. His expression started to allow all the rage coursing through him and his tone was quiet and cold as he continued, "You decided to keep from me not only that you _saw_ Pansy, but apparently you also had a conversation with her at which time she asked you not to tell me…so you decided not to. Or was it more you were afraid I would leave if I knew where she was?"

"I've _always_ been afraid that you will leave, Draco." Astoria's eyes poured tears, but her temper started to flare, "Since the day we got married _I_ have felt like your mistress because no matter what you say, I have _always_ known it will _always_ be about her. So yes…I was afraid, because I know the only reason you have been faithful is because you couldn't find her; and I know you've looked on more than one occasion." She dried her eyes and started to continue when Draco snapped back with an interruption.

"I have tried to give you everything; including every last part of me available to give and all I ever asked for or expected was your loyalty." He leaned back against the wall and looked down at the floor, "When did you see her?"

"April…of last year," Astoria made a quiet gasping noise as Draco started walking down the corridor, "So you're just going to walk away? You expect my loyalty, but when have you ever been loyal to me? Sure, you buy me anything I want, shower me with affection and sentimentalities; you're even willing to give me a child, but the one thing I want, the one thing I ask for and expect is your heart." Astoria sighed when Draco refused to turn and she interpreted his refusal to look her in the eye as his confirmation of everything she said. She wiped her eyes and blurted, "But that _Draco Malfoy equipment option _is unavailable, isn't it? Because it belongs to a woman you can't be with and who does not want to be with you."

Draco had stopped walking the minute Astoria began talking and his reasons for not looking at her were a combination of rage and guilt. He listened carefully to what she had to say and felt himself suffocating with every truth she spoke. However with Astoria's last statement Draco's management of his control snapped and he charged back at her. "You don't know _anything_ about what Pansy and I feel for each other, what we have shared…things you could _never_ understand and I will instruct you to never speak on the topic again. Am I clear?"

"Crystal," Astoria backed away from him and wiped her tear soaked face, "Tell Pansy I said hello and congratulations…with little to no effort, she still wins. Maybe you can take her with you on the assignment in Italy; an opportunity to catch up." The blond girl turned and walked away without waiting for a response, "I'll be at my sister's house."

He stood motionless and watched her walk out of sight. There was only a twinge of motivation to chase her, but it was overshadowed by the need to storm back into the ballroom and demand that Pansy speak with him. At the same time Draco could not will himself to move in either direction. His mind started to wander down dark and dangerous paths as he continued to battle the feelings of betrayal and devastation clashing in his gut. _This could be the end of everything. If I go inside and Pansy will not speak with me I'm through. If Astoria runs to my father or worse decides to leave me then I will have truly lost everything. In the process I have destroyed two of the most brilliant women I will ever know._

The ballroom door opened and shook Draco from his dazed stance in the middle of the corridor. He looked up and saw Blaise approaching and immediately started to retreat.

"Malfoy, I saw you….its a bit rude to run away wouldn't you think?"

Draco turned and chuckled bitterly, "Rude? Seems every time we speak lately it is rude so what should make this any different? I merely thought walking away and sparing you another lecture about the many ways I destroyed Pansy's life would preserve your evening. She seems to be doing quite well for herself in any event…on the arm of the _Chosen One_." Draco ran his fingers through his hair, completely unaffected by the need to maintain any calm or collected appearances.

"She's not here with Potter; she's here with me and –"

"Well either way, Blaise, she's not here with me, so you can understand why I'm not really interested in having another conversation about this. You can tell her not to worry though…I was just leaving." Draco turned and started to walk away.

"Do you want me to go and get her?" Blaise paused when Draco turned around. "I don't know if she'll come out here. I don't know if she'll ever speak with me again for even suggesting it, but…she may never forgive me if I didn't and I know that she wants to see you, its just –"

"I appreciate what you are trying to do, Blaise, but…I can honestly tell you that if you came back out here and said that she refused to see me I would probably snap. You can tell her that I was here and you can tell her that I have finally started respecting what she asked for…her freedom." Tears were falling down Draco's face before he even noticed they had been building and he started to walk away again, "Just please whatever happens…do not let her date Harry Potter…"

*.*.*.*

_17 November 2002_

_Its ending again I can feel it; chest pains and trembling hands, the constant feeling of wanting to vomit or cry, a knot in the stomach and a lump in the throat that represent the warnings signs of pending doom. So basically I'm as emotional as a little girl again and annoying myself. Why couldn't Voldemort have just killed me? Better yet why couldn't mother have stopped being so overdramatic and allowed me to go to Durmstrang in the first place? Then I would have never met Pansy Parkinson, never had such a negative impact on her life, because obviously she had it in her all along to run with the Chosen One. Trying to describe what it felt like to see Potter's hands on her is pointless because no language provides for the depiction of something so disgusting, horrifying and painful. The fact that she was happy about it probably should have killed me dead right there in the ballroom, but I suppose I have earned the suffering._

_I lost complete control over myself…all of the façade's I have erected to keep Astoria from knowing I am a deplorable human being came crashing down this evening. She told me she has always felt like my mistress…because Pansy always comes first. Unfortunately there is no denying that this is true…I can not help it, but my love for Pansy is epic. Then Astoria proceeded to tell me that a year and a half ago she ran into Pansy in Diagon Alley. Conveniently she never mentioned this before now. I said terrible things to her and she walked away…said she was going to Daphne's. That was last night…the Manor is still silent as afternoon turns to evening the next day._

_Blaise was even in on the events last night…we ran into each other outside the ballroom. He offered to go inside and get Pansy, but I told him not to. I could not survive her refusing to see me just moments after gliding across the dance floor in the arms of that pompous ass…St. Potter…I knew he had something to hide all along. I wonder what kind of help he thought I was talking about the other day at St. Mungo's. How did this even happen? In any event I felt grateful to Blaise for his offer. I must have appeared to be ready to shatter for him to risk Pansy's wrath should the suggestion have backfired. She has not contacted me so I assume her response would have been negative._

_She has every reason in the world to hate me as much as she does, but that makes it no less agonizing. Astoria thought Pansy was engaged that day in Diagon Alley because she had an engagement ring on her finger. Admittedly until I saw it close up I did not realize it, but the ring Pansy wears is the ring I gave her. Of course Astoria could not have known, but I felt the need last night to confirm it. Why would Pans continue to wear the ring, but refuse to see me, speak with me? At least I finally saw for myself that she is happy, healthy and that my visions of her reaching out to me for help were simply one more sign of my instability._

_I have to go find Astoria…I hate this caring thing. I'm sure she's been waiting for me to chase her, but I'm not sure where on earth I begin fixing this disaster._

Draco tossed his parchment book in the desk drawer and rushed down the staircase and right to the door. He was startled when he opened it at found Astoria with her wand pointed at him. He instinctively put his hands up, "I'm sorry…just please do not turn me into a ferret."

"What are you doing here?" Astoria lowered her wand and walked into the foyer.

"Was I to move out?" Draco put his hands down. Suddenly, with Astoria standing in front of him all he wanted to do was pull her into his arms and assure her that he would concoct a potion to erase Pansy completely; that everything was going to be better from then on. He did not move toward her, and though it appeared her response took a lifetime, he breathed a little easier when she smiled slightly.

"I was hoping you hadn't, actually. When I did not hear from you I was worried about what I may find when I arrived." Tears instantly welled up in her exhausted blue eyes. She started toward the great room, but when Draco grabbed her arms and pulled her into a tight embrace, she did not resist.

Draco buried his face in her neck and when his senses fully acknowledged her presence, he felt tears building in his own eyes. After a few moments he whispered, "It is not nearly as easy to walk away as you think, Love." He pulled away enough to look at her and gently wiped still falling tears from her face, "I heard all that you said, Astoria, but I promise that I love you more than I ever imagined I would and certainly more than you apparently believe. I am so sorry for the things that I said and; I'm sorry that you have spent all these years feeling that you mattered so little to me when nothing could be further from the truth."

Astoria reached up and ran her fingers through his messy hair then gently down his face, "Let's go sit down." She pulled away, took his hand and led him into the great room.

Draco sat on the coffee table across from Astoria on the sofa. He took her hands and waited for her to look up at him; eventually he spoke quietly, "I will continue to tell you how sorry I am, as many times as I have to, until you believe me."

"I do believe you," she looked up at him and forced a smile, "And I know that you aren't purposely trying to hurt me; in fact, I wonder how much control you even have over how you feel. I'm jealous of her is all. I know you love me, but you could never love me as much as you love her; I've always known that. I got your name and your life and she has your heart and that is just a little hard to handle sometimes."

He looked down and watched Astoria pull her hand from his then fought to take it back, "It's not really that simple actually. I know that some of it may be hard for you to hear but if you want an explanation, I can try."

"I understand, Draco, I just –"

"No, actually, I don't believe you do understand," he paused and took a deep breath. _I'm not sure I even understand. _"I do love Pansy; and I promise you that I have tried everything short of erasing her from my mind completely, but I can not seem to stop. Still, I love you, as much, maybe even more, because you and I have shared so much building this life together." _Could that be true? Could I love Astoria more? Pansy chose Blaise…and Potter…but Astoria is my future. _After a brief pause, while Draco pondered his new outlook, he took a deep breath then reached over and gently held Astoria's face, "I accused you of being disloyal by not telling me that you saw her, and after thinking about that during the last twenty-four hours, I realize that you were only trying to protect us…from me. You save me from myself more often than you know and I apologize for not seeing your intentions the other night. I choose to spend my life with you. I could have left, but I haven't…I'm not looking to leave now and I will do whatever is necessary to prove that to you."

Astoria squeezed his hands and smiled slightly, "Did Pansy send messages of _I told you so_? She told me that day in Diagon Alley that not telling you would be seen as a betrayal if you ever found out."

"I did not speak with Pansy at the benefit…" Draco trailed off. The idea that Pansy had been so close, but he had still not spoken with her had left his stomach burning. He consistently tried, however, to remind himself that Pansy had made all of the choices for them the day she left and refused to speak with him again. Somehow, pushing all the blame onto her caused the pain in his gut to dull. He looked up at Astoria who appeared to be waiting for him to continue and he moved next to her on the sofa, "I came home and tried to figure out how I could get to you without Daphne trying to kill me." He leaned over and kissed her forehead, "I want you to have everything, Astoria, and if my heart is the only thing you feel you are lacking then tell me how I can assure you that it is already yours?" _Mostly…_

She squeezed his hands and smiled, "I would like to forget this whole thing happened. We were happy…and I'm sorry that I did not tell you about Diagon Alley…and I'm sorry for acting like a spoiled brat, as if you do not give me enough attention." Astoria looked down for a long time, obviously trying to hold back tears that fell anyway, "I feel bad that you lost her and she lost you…all because of me...and maybe its justice that I should lose everything now, but I don't want to lose you…not yet anyway."

Draco pulled Astoria into his arms and kissed her head, "I'm not going anywhere…in fact…you should take a holiday and come to Italy with me for a few days. You can shop while I am working and we can spend our free time exploring. A second honeymoon, if you will."

Astoria ran her fingers through his silky blond hair, resting them finally to weave through the locks curled up at the base of his neck before pulling him into a kiss. "I love you."

"I love you…" he pulled her back into a long kiss. _And I'm going to try and let her go…I want to let her go…_

*.*.*.*

1 January 2003

The start of another new year…the holiday was brilliant…Astoria and I are back to being brilliant though it seemed to take longer this time to recover. We have certainly not attended any other benefits. Since that night I have tried to wash Pansy out of my system…some days are better than others. I have had a host of distractions with work and Christmas and…well Astoria is still not pregnant, so that has been a worthy consumption of my time. Of course…I still miss Pansy every day and I still love her, but things are better now…I feel more stable with it all.

My entire life has been full of upheaval and one change after another it seems; these latest changes however have brought me peace and relieved my pains…most of them anyway. I can think about the past, that perfect year in the cottage in the forest, and smile about all that it was; as opposed to cursing the world because it's gone.

I have great expectations for the year to come. It has not been like me to be overly optimistic, but I'm envisioning brilliance.

*.*.*.*

_28 February 2003_

_My Dearest Draco,_

_Your father wanted me to surprise you, but I know you are usually not a fan of the unknown so I thought an owl was appropriate. He is sending me to meet with you in Switzerland and when your assignment ends at the end of the week he is sending us on a fifteen day holiday in Ireland. He rented us a castle! Perhaps you already know that you have been granted this holiday and are wondering why…I thought I would ease your mind. _

_I can not wait to see you…this two week assignment was nearly the end of me; I miss you so much!_

_All my love,_

_Astoria_

The Malfoys Ireland trip was brilliant and weeks later they were still reminiscing about all of their favorite memories from the holiday. One particularly cloudy Sunday afternoon in April while reenacting one of their favorite _Irish castle bedroom memories, _Astoria was called into the office for an emergency; in her absence Draco decided to catch up on his backlog of work. After a frustrating hour of flipping through casework a knock at the front door interrupted the silence. Draco rushed to the front door and opened it quickly, "Blaise…this is a surprise. Come in," he immediately worried and monitored the equally concerned expression looking back at him. He could also tell that Blaise had been drinking and braced for another lashing lecture from his old friend. They walked into the great room and sat on the sofa before Draco finally broke the silence, "You've come here with bad news so you might as well just say it."

Blaise shifted uncomfortably and looked up at Draco, "I thought it was only right to tell you that Pansy is gone...for good this time."

"Gone for good…what does that mean?" The finality of Blaise's statement caused Draco's chest to tighten and after an impatient pause he snapped, "Blaise…what does that mean?"

"She's left the magical world. I don't even know where she has gone and –"

Draco interrupted quickly, "That's impossible. We work for the bloody Ministry and we can find any witch roaming around, even with the Muggles. More importantly, _why_ did she leave the magical world? How does one just decide to up and leave the magical world, not that she isn't a master of up and leaving but –"

"What choice did you give her, Draco?" Blaise was obviously devastated by Pansy's departure and the severity of his voice increased as he continued, "You married another woman, your father told Pansy to stay away or he'd kill you and that is why she disappeared. She has been hiding from you and tailoring her life to stay hidden in order to keep you safe." Blaise glared at Draco and waited for a response then finally stood and started toward the foyer, "I don't know why I am surprised that _you_ feel like the victim in all of this."

Few words were available to Draco, but he stood and rushed after Blaise, "She told you that? She told you that my father sent her away and threatened my life? When?"

"At the wedding…gave her the parchment to write the letter and everything." Blaise took a deep breath and quickly wiped his eyes, "But it doesn't matter because now we've both lost her; and like I said I just thought it was only right that you knew she was gone."

Draco paused and tried to process the new information that had been thrown in his face. He wanted to leave immediately to confront Lucius and even contemplated whether this would be another piece of information Astoria knew about and conveniently forgot to mention. After a long pause he looked back over to Blaise, "She'll be back…Pans always comes back."

"I'm really sorry if that is what you have been telling yourself all these years, Draco, but I assure you this time she is really gone." Blaise started toward the door again and signed when Draco interrupted.

"You're in love with her, aren't you?" As soon as the question escaped Draco's mouth he panicked about the answer. Blaise paused before turning which told Draco all he needed to know; but hearing the words would be worse.

Blaise chuckled bitterly and responded quietly, "From the day I met her –"

"Why didn't you do anything about it?" _Shut up Malfoy!_ Draco was suddenly angry about Blaise's confession and lost control over his thoughts pouring out of his mouth, "And why did you let me go rescue her? You knew how to find her…why didn't you do it yourself?"

"Because she wanted you; at Hogwarts, the year in the cottage, all the years after you discarded her –"

"I did _not_ discard her." Draco was visibly seething and his hissing tone increased as he continued, "_She_ left…we agreed to make it work and she left. If my father threatened her, she should have come to me and I would have found another way. Or you could have come to me…of course I'm sure you saw that as your golden opportunity."

Blaise rolled his eyes, "Yes, Draco, seeing her in debilitating pain over losing you; watching her life fall apart over and over because of you was my master plan to woo her." He continued toward the door without giving Draco an opportunity to respond.

"You like to throw around those cryptic little messages, Zabini. Why don't you just tell me _specifically_ all of the ways I have continued to ruin Pansy's life over the last three years that she's refused to even speak to me?" Draco's arms crossed over his chest and he glared at Blaise waiting for a response; he startled slightly when Blaise walked out and slammed the door shut behind him. The blond considered rushing out the door and demanding answers from the first person he came across who could possibly have been involved in the things that Blaise spoke of, but instead slammed up the staircase and into the study.

He pulled his parchment book from the desk and nearly crushed his quill with the violence of his hand movements.

_12 April 2003_

_Pansy has left the magical world and apparently has not even told Blaise where she has gone. He just stormed out of here…after blaming me for everything of course. He admitted that he's loved her since the day they met. He loved her and she loved me and I was too stupid to see any of it. Now she's gone and he hates me. He said that my father threatened Pansy and that is why she left…the day of the wedding…I knew that letter was a bloody lie._

_So what do I do with this information? Blaise is convinced she can not be found. Even if I found her she does not want to see me anymore than she has during the last three years. Nothing good can come from questioning Lucius; no doubt if anyone could find Pansy he could and I do not want to invite that possibility. I do not want all of these feelings to resurface so that I am in pain; inflicting pain on Astoria and still Pans is completely out of my grasp._

_I have to believe that Blaise would not stop looking for her if he believed she was in any danger. I'm a little surprised that he let her go at all if his feelings are so strong, but either way…this does not, can not concern me any longer. She made me promise I would fight to have this life…so I need to keep living it._

Draco was unsure what had come over him that afternoon, but he remained unwavering in his quest to keep all the feelings that surrounded the past in the shadow of all the brilliant aspects of his future. As time passed and months turned into years, his diligence paid off and the life that he and Astoria continued to build together became the only thing that mattered.

And what a brilliant life it was; each year brought challenges and accomplishments and every single day Draco paused to appreciate all that he had and all that he had become.

*.*.*.*

_31 July 2006_

_Today of all days? I should clarify that today is the most brilliant, astonishing, quite possibly the happiest day of my entire life. I simply don't understand why not yesterday or tomorrow? July 30__th__…August 1__st__…but today…St. Harry Bloody Potter's birthday…why?_

_I suppose I should get to the part about the more important anniversary that will be celebrated on this date from now on. At exactly 12:13 this afternoon the Malfoy family and the magical world welcomed Scorpius Hyperion. Astoria is exhausted and I am completely panicked about the entire idea of having a baby relying completely on me for anything. Surprisingly, he is much easier to hold than I anticipated. Every time he looks up at me I have a renewed sense of purpose and I can honestly say that I have never loved anyone so much in all my life and_

_He's screaming again? I better go before he wakes Astoria…_

*.*.*.*

_5 June 2007_

_Happy Birthday to me! When I arrived to the office this morning Markman came in and told me to take the day off to celebrate my birthday and my promotion to lead international detective. Mother has offered to take Scorpius for the evening and I am taking Astoria out. Between our careers, planning a first birthday party for next month and keeping up with that little monster every day, we need a break, some relaxation and a night to ourselves. I can not wait!_

*.*.*.*

_31 July 2009_

_I have a matter of seconds to spend writing, but I do not ever want to forget this day. I bought Scorpius his first broomstick against Astoria's strictest orders. He was so excited when he opened it he hopped right on and flew through my parents' house at full speed smashing everything in the drawing room he came in contact with. Of course, old Lucius would never dream of raising his voice to the future of the family; watching him smile through irrational fury and agitation made today even more spectacular._

_And now I'm off…we're taking Scorpius to see Astoria's mother and then I am taking him flying some more. I've gotten very good at being a father, despite the model I had to refer to. Astoria told me today that her life is so much better than she could have ever imagined…I can not help but agree._

*.*.*.*

_21 October 2009_

_I'm not sure how to feel…and maybe I should feel guilt for the way my brain is processing this, but I feel relieved and free and…_

_Lucius is dead…natural causes…sudden. I was summoned to the Manor early this morning and when I arrived, mother met me in the foyer. I don't think she even cried…my tears were almost joyous. No more worries, no more interference…no more dictating what happens next._

_My life is finally my own…we are all finally free._

The weeks following Lucius Malfoy's death were hectic. Narcissa eventually did have an emotional breakdown, but her grief was short lived and by the beginning of November, she was eager to dispose of anything that reminded her of the years she had spent tortured by her husband's decisions and activities. Everyone was assigned an area of the Manor and Draco found himself stuck in the drawing room and his father's study for weeks going through papers and potions, all seeping with evil intentions. In a final sweep of the study, he found another hiding place below a lose floor board and pulled out a large metal box.

Draco sat at his father's desk and began pulling out stacks of correspondence, mostly from other death eaters, business associates and even a stack from Astoria's father detailing the arranged marriage between their children. The blond glazed over as he scanned each letter; he found he cared little about his father's dealings now that they could no longer affect his own life. One particular piece of parchment caught his attention however and he opened it frantically.

*.*.*.*

_26 February 2003_

_Draco,_

_I have no idea how this correspondence will be received by you, but I hope you continue reading. There is something selfish, almost cruel about me contacting you at all, but I need you. You promised that you would always be here for me and I need you now more than ever._

_I am in London and await your return._

_Pansy_

He read the letter multiple times before folding it back up and putting it in his pocket. He dug through the rest of the box looking for anything else that he could find relating to Pansy when, suddenly, he came across another stack of letters and as he read each one the knot in his stomach rose further up into his throat.

_5 April 2001_

_Mr. Malfoy,_

_I'm afraid I have bad news; Zabini apparated them out of London. I'm not sure how, but he must have figured out that something was not right. I almost had her and the next thing I knew they were gone._

_I await your instructions and continue to try and determine where they have gone, but somehow I imagine you have more advanced magical devices at your disposal for locating them. You know where I can be found._

_R. M._

*.*

_8 March 2001_

_Mr. Malfoy,_

_Just as you predicted, Pansy confessed everything tonight. She told me she was a witch, told me about the past…everything about your son. I was worried when we ran into you and your wife this afternoon that the plan would be compromised, however, Pansy opened up and sang like a bird._

_All of your suspicions are confirmed…I anticipate your return with further instructions._

_R. M._

_*.*_

_8 February 2001_

_Mr. Malfoy,_

_It happened today…everyone is well and I, as always, await further instruction._

_R. M._

_*.*_

_15 October 2000_

_Mr. Malfoy,_

_You indicated that I should alert you immediately if anything happened. Your son and his wife came into The Cupboard this evening. Pansy saw them, but I do not believe that the young Mr. Malfoy saw her. Still, such a meeting could derail all that you have been working toward and I wanted you to know this latest development. _

_The emotional breakdown it caused, however, allowed me to further solidify my relationship with Ms. Parkinson. I told you that it would simply be a matter of time. I will continue to keep you apprised of my progress…you work on keeping your son out of London in the interim._

_R. M._

Draco read each letter over and over, trying to figure out what they meant, or to convince himself that they did not mean what his mind initially thought. _He set Pansy up. Sending her away was not enough, but he also set her up with someone who Blaise had to rescue her from. That bastard that was with her at St. Mungo's. Astoria saw her, my mother saw her and now the ultimate proof that Lucius is to blame for driving her away permanently. _

He looked up suddenly when the study door opened and before he could control himself words were pouring out of his mouth, "Mother…please tell me that you did not know anything about this." He held up the letters and took note of his trembling hand; then saw Narcissa moving toward him.

She took the letters from his hand and opened the last that Draco had read. Her eyes widened with genuine surprise and she looked up at Draco, her face and tone panicked, "Where did you find these?"

"So you _did_ know," Draco grabbed the letters; he pulled his arm away from Narcissa's intended grasp as he passed then turned and hissed when she started to follow him out of the drawing room, "You _saw_ her! Hell, everyone saw her, talked with her, knew what was going on in her life; everyone but me."

Narcissa did not hesitate to follow as Draco stormed from the drawing room. She moved close to him and grabbed his arm successfully, "Draco, I am so sorry. Your father and I crossed paths with Pansy in London…many years ago and," she paused to look down at the parchment in Draco's hand and could no longer hold back her tears, "I promise you that I had no idea the man she was with had any dealings with your father."

"Who was he…or who did she _think_ he was?" Draco's tone reflected the gagging feeling in the back of his throat as his imagination reeled to the horrors that Pansy had encountered at his father's hands. He started assembling the pieces: all of the things Blaise had said over the years, the fact that Astoria was under the impression Pansy was engaged. When his mother confirmed his worst fears with two whispered words, _her fiancé_, Draco closed his eyes and sighed.

He looked at Narcissa when she gently placed her hands on his arms and tears rolled down his face. She reached up and dried his eyes and continued in a whispered tone, "If I had known of any of this, Draco, I promise you I would have stopped it. If I had thought Pansy was in any danger at all I would have told you, but…she was happy that day. She had what appeared to be a brilliant new start and I thought it would only cause you more pain to hear that she had moved on." Narcissa brushed her hands down the sides of Draco's face and looked into his eyes, "Draco, you have been my entire life since the day I knew you existed. Everything I have done has been to protect you in the only ways that I have known how. Please say that you will forgive me."

He wrapped his arms tightly around his mother without hesitation and forced himself to speak. "I know that your decisions have never been easy and I know that without you growing up, my life would have been inhumane. There is nothing to forgive you for because I can not even imagine the repercussions of jeopardizing his plan. He had a way of insuring people's silence and making others disappear and this is just another reason why I am relieved that he is finally gone. It appears the aftershocks will be somewhat devastating, however, because I'm not sure I can ever forgive myself for a second decade's worth of pain that I caused Pansy; whether I knew or not that it was happening."

Draco pulled away from Narcissa and walked back to the drawing room. He sat down behind Lucius' desk and ran his hands roughly over his face. _I should have killed him myself. _When Narcissa quickly followed she found Draco returning to the box of correspondence and she immediately sat in a chair at the desk, "Do you want me to finish in here?"

He looked over at her with a mixture of confusion and irritation, "No…I want to know _everything_ he did before I go to Blaise."

"You haven't spoken to Blaise in years," all eyes focused on Astoria as she walked into the drawing room. Her smile faded quickly and she continued softly, "Has something happened?"

"No," Draco gave Narcissa a quick glance then stood and approached Astoria, "My father contributed to the Quidditch program at Hogwarts and I wanted to let Blaise know that I am willing to step into my father's role as benefactor." He pulled her into a quick kiss then smiled, "How have things been going upstairs?"

"Well," Astoria was easily appeased and moved to speak to Narcissa, "I have everything in boxes. Where do you want me to go next?"

Narcissa moved from the desk and mirrored Draco's forced smile, "Why don't you go up to the library and I will meet you up there in just a few minutes."

Astoria had been wonderful helping at the Manor in the preceding weeks. She kissed Draco once more quickly before bouncing from the drawing room and rushing up the stairs. Narcissa moved close to Draco and stood in front of him, "If you find anything else that you think I might be able to answer for, please let me know."

"I do not blame you for any of this. I hope you believe that." Draco hugged his mother tightly and truly did believe the words he spoke. He knew she had no more control over their lives than he did, and the last thing he wanted was to project his own guilt onto one of the few people who genuinely loved him.

She squeezed his hands and looked down as she spoke softly, "You blame yourself for two decades of pain that Pansy endured because of your father. I have almost three decades to atone for when you consider the life I subjected you to. If I can help please let me…" Narcissa trailed off and pulled away from Draco. She walked quietly from the room and shut the door gently behind her.

Draco returned to the desk and started immediately going through the remaining parchment in the metal box. There seemed to be endless letters, but none pertaining to Pansy in any way. The last letter in the box was nothing more than a cryptic and uninformative letter from someone in Scotland, no doubt a death eater, and two nameless potions containing darker ingredients than even Draco felt comfortable handling.

He sat back in the chair and sighed. _Eight bloody years and I had no bloody idea that any of it was happening. I would have stayed away from me too. _He ran his fingers through his hair and the feeling he had escaped for years returned all at once. Pansy…every part of his body, mind, heart and soul craved her in one euphoric and crippling instant and he was forced to sit back down immediately upon trying to stand. Paralyzed with guilt and fear and longing and loss the blond put his head back and let tears roll down his face. Even without Lucius looking over his shoulder, controlling his every move, there was no denying that Draco was still trapped.

*.*.*.*

Draco spent another week at the Manor going through this father's things and trying to piece together the story of what really happened to Pansy, but he hit a dead end. At no time did Astoria suspect or inquire about anything related to the investigation happening right under her nose and Draco had decided early on that he intended to keep it a secret as long as possible. The following week, it was time for the Malfoys to return to work; and out of options, Draco decided to go straight to the reliable source.

He walked through the door of the British Quidditch League Headquarters and up to the front desk. "Good morning. I need to see Blaise Zabini, and no I do not have an appointment, but this is urgent. I know he will probably say he does not wish to speak with me, my name is Draco Malfoy; it is imperative that he speak with me immediately!"

The mousy girl had looked up from the desk the minute Draco approached and her face became more apologetic with each word he spoke. Finally when it was her time to respond she forced a smile, "I am sorry Mr. Malfoy, but Mr. Zabini transferred from this office –"

"Transferred? When?" The blond was visibly impatient and glared at the young witch across the desk, searching for any hint that she could be lying simply to make him go away.

The girl's smile was enough to tell Draco she was genuine; she responded softly, "Mr. Zabini transferred in October of 2005. Unfortunately, I am unable to provide any additional information, but an inquiry can be placed with the Department Manager and if you would like me to place such a request I can –"

Draco put up his hand to interrupt and politely said, "Thank you," before mindlessly walking out of the office. Blaise had to be with Pansy, and if he was than he would have left specific instructions that their location was not to be distributed. Draco was consumed by opposing thoughts regarding what to do next and before he broke down in a corridor he retreated quickly to his office. Once behind closed doors he pulled his parchment book from his briefcase and wrote frantically.

_19 November 2009_

_Who am I? What kind of person does not realize that their best friend relocated four years ago? Have I honestly been that desperate to suppress my inescapable past that I did not even notice he was gone completely? I know Blaise is with Pansy; I wish I could say that it makes me feel better and that in turn, I could get back to my perfect life. I wish I could say I had no intention of searching for her non-stop until I find her; even if it means breaking into their happy little existence. I wish I could say that I cared about the fact that my apologies probably do not even matter after all this time. I wish I could care that for doing this I will owe Astoria a million more apologies…_

_My father destroys Pansy, I destroy Astoria…_

_Obviously I do care because I can not do this. I have to stop falling back into this cycle and I have to stop believing that somehow or someway Pansy and I can have some alternate life where I do not destroy every part of this life I've built piece by piece…because it can't happen. I can't have her…no matter how badly I still want her I can't…_

Draco placed his book back in his bag, grabbed his coat and went home. He walked up the stairs, into Scorpius' room and relieved the nanny for the afternoon. Hours later, when Astoria returned home, she found father and son sitting in the middle of the room mixing a potion in a miniature cauldron. Draco chuckled at Astoria's concerned expression and stood immediately to pull her into a long kiss. He rested his forehead against hers and smiled, "I love you."

"I love you too, but I'm still not comfortable with this, Draco…he's only three." She looked down at Scorpius stirring whatever concoction was in the cauldron then smiled up at Draco, "It's nice to see you two spending time together though. How long have you been home?"

"Hours…I took the day off," he took Astoria's hand and led her over to sit on the floor, "I was thinking…why don't we pack up Scorpius and invite my mother, your mother…Daphne and if she absolutely must she can bring the Gryffindor –"

"Be nice, Draco…I have a feeling Oliver Wood is about to become family." Astoria smiled at the disgusted look on Draco's face, which Scorpius promptly mirrored. She reached over and picked the little blond haired boy up and wrapped her arms around him, "You better be nice to Uncle Ollie too…Aunt Daphne loves him and someday you will learn that we don't always have control over who we love."

"At least it's not Potter…"

Scorpius laughed loudly and blurted, "Potter stinks!" Draco smiled as Astoria shot him a reprimanding look then took over stirring duties for the potion.

Scorpius giggled as Astoria tickled him and Draco was suddenly lost in the perfection of the moment. He was surrounded by the only things that really mattered; all the time that had passed and memories that had been created revolved around his wife and his son and the knot that had returned when he found the letters about Pansy started to dissipate once more. Astoria interrupted his epiphany with a giggle, "You didn't finish your thought…what should we all be packing for?"

"Let's go away for the holiday…all of us…anywhere. We all have the time off of work and we've not really taken Scorpius anywhere yet…we'll rent a castle and spend Christmas and the New Year eating large family meals and taking adventures." Draco took his first deep breath in weeks and smiled as he waited for Astoria's response.

She leaned over to kiss him and when Scorpius started making kissing noises Astoria pulled away and smiled. She locked onto Draco's eyes and tears started to well in her sparkling blue ones, "I love my life with you. I don't believe I could ever tell you that enough."

"Mission accomplished then," he smiled and kissed her quickly before starting to instruct Scorpius on how to finish their potion.

It took Draco only a few weeks to completely suppress all feelings for Pansy once more. The Malfoys spent the holiday in Switzerland and when they returned home, life returned to normal quickly. In the months to come, the only stresses were every day life obstacles, work challenges and the pending doom of Draco's thirtieth birthday.

*.*.*.*

_31 May 2010_

_The countdown begins. I do not want to turn 30 and I am not even sure why. My adolescence was disturbing, my twenties were a mixture of complete bliss and stomach gutting pain, but life now…for a long while now, has been brilliant. I have everything that I could have wanted by the time I reached this point in my life and yet for some reason…I'm not even sure how to describe it. Astoria says I'm just worried about the number…as if it is old or something…30 is not old…I am not old!_

_She's planning a surprise party, I'm sure of it. If she's planning it here that means Daphne will be here and will be bringing that Gryffindor into my house. Honestly after ten years you would be amazed what still gets under my skin._

Draco looked up when he heard the study door open and his eyes widened as Astoria walked in wearing a white lace trimmed nightgown. She smiled and started walking slowly toward the desk, "My mum came and picked up Scorpius for the evening and I thought maybe I could persuade you to leave the study for a while and…" she trailed off and laughed when Draco stood, walked over and picked her up. "That was far too easy."

He walked her out of the study and to the bedroom, "Your wish is my command… haven't we covered this?" Draco pulled her into a long kiss, kicked the door shut behind them, and started his birthday celebration five days early.


	3. Book Three: Pansy

**Letters From the Edge**

By, Jennasprite

**Pairing**: Draco Malfoy/Pansy Parkinson

**Rating**: R/Mature

**Genre**: Romance/Drama/Angst

**Summary**: Separated by circumstance, distance and a responsibility to family, Draco and Pansy cling to their love for each other and define themselves in the process. A post war journey of forgiveness, acceptance and the impossible reality of saying goodbye.

**Author's Notes**: Book Three of Four. Inspired by _From the Edge of the Deep Green Sea_ by The Cure.

"_I know this can't be wrong I say (and I'll lie to keep her happy) as long as I know that you know that today I belong right here with you. Right here with you…"_

_From the Edge of the Deep Green Sea_

The Cure

**Disclaimer**: _This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by J.K. Rowling and various publishers including, but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoat Books as well as Warner Brothers, Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended. From the Edge of the Deep Green Sea, music and lyrics are created and owned by The Cure. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended._

**Book Three**

_Pansy_

"I wish I could just stop. I know another moment will break my heart. Too many tears, too many times, too many years I've cried over you."

_From the Edge of the Deep Green Sea_

The Cure

_**17 April **__**2000 – Malfoy Manor**_

The Malfoy-Greengrass handfasting ceremony was in process as Pansy crept around the grounds of Malfoy Manor. She followed a path of rose petals around the grand mansion and hid in the back, behind the flowered archway she was positive Astoria had walked through; on her way to someone else's husband. It did not take Pansy long to join the focus of every set of eyes present on the white canopy beneath which Draco stood, in the most magnificent black dress robes, holding hands with Astoria Greengrass, his bride. Pansy felt her body involuntarily moving forward as if she were about to lose control and state her objections by means of a public declaration of love, but her head took control and stopped her. She fought to clear her head just in time to hear the soon to be Malfoys pledging their commitment to each other. _Too bad he's just telling you what his father need__**s**__ to hear and he has no intention of being committed to anyone but me,_ she thought as Astoria smiled brightly while Draco spoke his repeated vows.

No matter how strongly she believed that Draco would always love her and only her, Pansy was nauseated by the scene before her; she felt as if she was being stabbed over and over. When the older wizard performing the ceremony called for the exchanged of rings, the dark haired woman started wishing more strongly than ever that she had trusted her initial instincts and stayed away. She started back towards the front of the grounds and ran directly into Lucius Malfoy. She cowered back from him and blurted, "I'm sorry I…I know I should not be here but…I had to see it for myself."

"And are you satisfied now that you and Draco have no possible future together or shall I elaborate on your lesson?" Lucius glared at her with a menacing smile on his face; his tone was patronizingly sweet. "I understand this need to grasp for him until the very end, Ms. Parkinson. Draco was your way out of a life that has been depressing since the day you were born. That is why I allowed him to waste months searching for you and then an entire year in the forest –"

"You took _pity_ on me?" Pansy snarled at the patriarch, forgetting for a moment how dangerous Lucius Malfoy could be. In the next moment she cowered apologetically and looked down.

Malfoy moved closer and lowered his tone, "Of course. You certainly could not have believed that I would have _ever_ allowed you to carry the Malfoy name. You must have known all along that you and Draco are vastly different and he would eventually outgrow your varied indiscretions."

Pansy quickly wiped random tears rolling down her face; showing how irritated she was that she had been unable to hold them back. She cleared her throat to prevent her voice from cracking, making her appear even more vulnerable, then finally responded, "What I have known all along and what I will continue to believe until the day I die is that your son loves me. You may do your worst to keep us apart, but I will always have his heart because I traded it for mine and there is nothing you can do to change that, Mr. Malfoy."

"And what happens should your heart stop beating?" Lucius delighted at the look of fear in Pansy's expression and it caused him to chuckle quietly, "Perhaps I have gone about this all wrong. Threats to _your_ life are obviously inconsequential to either one of you so let me see if I can change your mind another way. If anything at all disassembles the life that Astoria Greengrass-Malfoy sees herself having with Draco, whether you are the direct cause or not, I will end his life with a flick of my wand."

"Your threats are powerful, but you would never kill your own son." Pansy started to walk away, but when Lucius continued she stopped to listen.

"He is of no use to me unless this arrangement with the Greengrass family is nurtured. If Astoria is upset, if their marriage does not grow and prosper then he has run out of chances to prove he is worthy of this family. I intend on there being an heir and I will certainly not have a bastard child running around looking for handouts. So should you continue to interfere with Draco's future then I will see to it he does not have one. Do I make myself clear?" Lucius waited for Pansy to turn around and smiled at the confirmation in her expression, "I thought you would understand. I do feel it is my obligation, considering how my son felt about you, that I provide you with the means to leave and –"

Pansy hissed her interruption, "I do not want _anything_ from you. I can take care of myself," then started again to walk away.

"You will need to end things with him…something permanent so he does not come looking for you. There is parchment and a quill sitting in the drawing room, waiting. Now, if you will excuse me, the Polyjuiced house elf sitting next to my wife will be starting to turn soon. You can see yourself out?" Lucius did not wait for a response before walking away, "And please don't steal anything."

The dark haired woman stood shaking in the place where Lucius left her until she heard a round of applause; and her heart finally shattered into pieces. She turned and went into the Manor, into the drawing room, and sat at a desk in front of the blank parchment which quickly absorbed her falling tears.

_17 April 2000_

_Draco,_

_You looked exquisite today, just like I always imagined. Of course, never in my wildest dreams, most especially after the year we spent together at the cottage, did I ever imagine that I would witness all of that brilliance from the back. I know I told you I would not attend your ceremony, but I had to see for myself that this wasn't just a nightmare. I had to know…that it was just a game, an arrangement. I wish I had left well enough alone because you failed to mention that you loved her, Draco. _

_Deny it all you want to, but I saw it with my own eyes. I knew you cared about her, but I could have sworn you said that you were doing this because you had to, but that you truly loved me. I believed you again because for the first time you actually asked me if I would and you still lied to my face just like always. I guess yet again I am just reaping the consequences for who I am. I have also made one final decision about who I refuse to be anymore and that is why today had to happen, no matter how painful._

_I will be eternally grateful that you saved my life and I will treasure the year we spent in our own little world, but I realize now that no matter what we said or planned we were destined to end up this way. You were meant for someone spectacular and it would appear you have found her. It is truly my wish that you and Astoria have the most brilliant life together. She can give you what I never could; a beautiful family, a prestigious social life, opportunities for a brilliant career. _

_The truth is we have always been different and while we were swept up in the romantic gestures of rescues and hiding out together we were always meant to say goodbye. I want you to know that you did everything you could for me, loved me more than anyone else ever has and I will cherish that always. Thank you for keeping your promise and remaining the wonderful man you became after the war. What we had was epic, while it lasted, but someone had to go and I volunteer. I asked you not to forget me and now I am begging you to push me as far from your mind as possible. Do not be poisoned by memories of what we shared; just look forward. _

_Let yourself love her Draco, because there is no point in holding onto your love for me. I release you from your promises and if it makes you feel any better I promise that I can and will take care of myself. Please don't try to find me because I am already gone. _

_Be safe and take care of yourself,_

_Pansy_

Pansy folded the letter and stood from the desk realizing that Lucius had not told her how she was supposed to deliver her goodbye. Without hesitation, she left the drawing room and walked up the staircase to Draco's room. The minute she opened the door, she was enveloped by his scent and closed her eyes, inhaling deeply. For whatever reason, her tears had dried, and though she thought crying would ease the pain in her chest, she was unable to shed one more tear. She walked over and rested the letter on Draco's book of parchment that sat open on the desk in his room.

Knowing that it was not appropriate for her to read anything Draco had written, Pansy tossed the letter down and started to walk away. When her name jumped off the page however she could not control her eyes and looked down at the last passage written.

_For years I had no heart, barely a soul, nothing that sparked the very core of my emotion. Now, I am shamelessly in love with one woman and marrying another who I also find stimulating, but do not love in that way and who does not love me in that way. I can not have Pansy and I worry that someday Astoria will realize that all of the agreements and understandings that we had in the beginning robbed her of the life she truly deserves. At the end of the day, who really wants to be married to me? Who could ever handle all that loving me entails besides Pansy Parkinson? _

_What in the bloody hell am I going to do? _

Pansy ran her fingers over the printing and took a deep breath. Draco's circumstance was truly perplexing. If Pansy stayed and encouraged Draco to share intimate moments with her then he would be betraying Astoria. At the same time, leaving still meant she was sacrificing everything she had. Draco was her lifeline and an existence without even a small part of him was the cruelest punishment she had yet endured. But in order to keep Draco safe, alive, Pansy had no choice but to obey the commands of the Malfoy Patriarch; so she left her letter and rushed from Draco's bedroom before she could change her mind again.

*.*.*.*

Once outside the Manor gates, Pansy disapparated to London and right back to Blaise's flat. Her mind was still reeling from the reality that she would never be able to see Draco again without putting him in harm's way and it did not occur to her that Blaise was still at the Manor until she was just outside his flat door. She turned to lean against the door, slumped to the floor and finally her tears returned. After hours of feeling that she would drown inside herself, Pansy pulled out a book of parchment that Draco had bought her for their perfect Christmas the year before and started moving her quill rapidly across the pages.

_17 April 2000_

_The world feels as if it is starting to end today. I went to the Manor…after saying a hundred million times that I would not; I should not have. They are married…Draco Malfoy and Astoria Greengrass-Malfoy…destined to be prestigious, carry on the Malfoy name with multiple heirs, and live happily ever after. My plan of still having a life with Draco was shattered on multiple levels, the worst of which not even being the ceremony itself. I ran into Draco's father while trying to make my escape. Lucius said that if Draco ruins this "arrangement" with the Greengrass family that he will kill him. Something about this being the last chance for Draco to prove he is a worthy member of the Malfoy family. Lucius needs to be disposed of… and Draco can not do it because he would never survive the guilt but…how is it possible that Voldemort let Lucius live?_

_Who would have ever thought that the worst suffering I would endure would surpass even my months of captivity after the war? Of course I would have never imagined having even one year of perfect bliss with Draco Malfoy at all? It is difficult for me to decide now if I'm happy that he saved me. I have all of the memories of what we shared now, and of course I am still alive, but what kind of life do I have? I have nothing left; no Draco, no family. I did not graduate, I have nowhere to live, no money…and of course I am the person who willingly offered Harry bloody Potter to Voldemort on the bloodiest night in the wizarding world's history so…what difference would it really have made in the long run if I had just not survived the vigilante? Draco would still have been forced to marry Astoria and he would have done so without the worry of how to keep everyone happy and saving his soul. If he was going to fall in love with her anyway then technically speaking I have just been in the way. Though not anymore which brings me back full circle…what kind of life do I have now? _

_I will cherish the memory of last night…our last night together. I woke up this morning and remembered the promises we made last night and I actually thought that we could be together still…despite all the obstacles. I wish I knew what I am supposed to do now that the dream has been shattered. I spent my entire life pushing everyone except Draco away and now that I've made that final push I am finally alone…_

The word _alone_ jumped off the page and twisted the knot in Pansy's stomach. Her tears increased, she pulled her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them where she buried her face and sobbed.

*.*.*.*

Just after midnight Blaise walked up the stairs to his flat and as he turned the corner he found Pansy sitting outside his door with her head rested on her knees. He rushed over and knelt beside her, "How long have you been here?"

Pansy looked up with tear soaked eyes that she attempted to dry, but more tears fell, "Since this afternoon…I went to the Manor, arrived just in time for the exchange of vows that I expected to be fake, but I'm pretty sure he loves her so… How was the reception…" She barely finished speaking when her tears turned to sobs and she clung tight to Blaise.

There were no comforting words for what Pansy was feeling so Blaise picked her up and took her inside. He set the sobbing girl on the sofa and waived his wand for tissues. He rubbed her back and finally put his arms around her, "Pans, you have to breathe...should I use a spell to make you stop or –"

She pulled away and though her tears continued to fall a quick smile washed across her face, "No…I'm sorry…this is horribly unfair to you and –"

"I want to help," Blaise took Pansy's hands and squeezed them, "I'm just not equipped to deal with all the crying so you have to tell me what I am supposed to do."

Pansy smiled and squeezed his hands, "You can start by telling me that I can stay here at least tonight, and then tomorrow I will go and find a place of my own so – "

"You can stay as long as you like; I already told you that." Blaise paused and hugged Pansy, "If it is any consolation, Draco does love you and does want to be with you and –"

"But he can't…he can't do either one actually or his father will kill him." Pansy took a deep breath and interpreted Blaise's arched eyebrow as a request for her to elaborate so she continued, "I went to the ceremony and was caught by Lucius while trying to escape. He informed me that if Draco ruined this arrangement with Astoria that he would be killed because it would make him worthless in Lucius' master plan. He made me write Draco a letter ending things and to keep him safe that is what I did." Pansy stood and started pacing.

"Well this is simple; I go and tell Draco what happened and –"

"No! Leave it. I made Draco promise me that he would stay the wonderful person he became after the war and…well this is the only way…he's already conflicted –"

"You spoke to him?" Blaise looked concerned when Pansy smiled mischievously.

"I read a small passage from his journal…" She trailed off when Blaise gave her a reprimanding look, "What? I saw my name and I could not help myself. Anyway…he has been struggling with the idea of hurting Astoria by engaging in any sort of relationship with me…because he actually cares about and I think probably loves that little trollop."

Blaise stood and stopped Pansy's pacing, "He loves _you_."

"I know that…but he can have a second chance with her and I want him to have an amazing life. If I just stay away then eventually he'll fall in love with her, if he's not already, and his father will leave him alone. And I will just have to reinvent myself. I wonder if I would make it in America." She smiled sadly and chuckled at her friends visual disapproval with her suggestion, "Or not –"

Blaise pulled Pansy into a tight hug, "Don't move so far away…at least not for a little while. We will have fun I promise. London has been kind since the war." He pulled away and kissed her forehead, "And I will do anything I can to help you."

"For now just don't leave me alone." Tears welling up in Pansy's eyes finally started to fall and she wrapped her arms around Blaise's waist.

"You will never be left alone again, Pans…that I promise you." He squeezed her then pulled away and led her back to the sofa, "Sit, put your feet up and I will put on some tea."

Pansy sat back on the sofa as Blaise walked toward the kitchen. She closed her eyes, but no matter how hard she tried she could not erase the image of Draco, under a white canopy, holding hands with the woman who was supposed to be her. _A memory spell is the only way to survive this, _she thought to herself before she was startled by Blaise walking back into the living room with mugs.

*.*.*.*

_25 May 2000_

_It has been just a little more then a month since the wedding; the day that my world stopped turning…at least for a few weeks. I know Blaise was sorry he let me stay here because I didn't even get out of bed for the first week and a half. It honestly felt like I was dying and most days I wished it would just happen. Every time another owl arrived from Draco my heart actually stopped. I know Blaise thought I was mental for not just opening them and I put him in the terrible position of having to fight Draco off, but if I am going to stay away it has to be completely. Blaise said that Draco has not been taking this separation well ,but I know he can survive losing me…surviving his father if we try and sneak around is another matter and I will not put him in that kind of danger regardless of what I want. It has to be this way._

_One afternoon last week I finally woke up and decided I needed to take control. I got dressed, went into London and found a perfect little Muggle pub, hidden from the busy streets, called The Cupboard. I walked inside, ordered a drink and after fifteen minutes I asked for a job; I started the next night and have worked nearly every night since. So far everything has been going well. I did panic the other night when a customer at the bar asked when I was getting married. When I looked down at my engagement ring, which I refuse to take off, I almost started to cry. Of course I covered brilliantly with an elaborate story of what I thought was someday going to be true and by the end of the conversation the older gentleman told me that a pretty girl like me shouldn't tie myself down so young. The sentiment made me smile which I am trying to enjoy doing any chance I have. _

_I finally have the day off today and am excited because Blaise and I are going to spend it in Diagon Alley. I want to go to Flourish & Blotts and purchase a new book of parchment…a fresh start. Anyway, Blaise got a job at the Ministry, in the Department of Magical Games and Sports…the Headquarters of the British Quidditch League to be exact and I am meeting him there. He is thrilled and I am thrilled for him though I can hardly imagine working at the Ministry of Magic. I will keep my little hidden pub and my boss named Maggie who doesn't know I am the witch that tried to turn the chosen one over to the darkest wizard of the ages. She of course does not know that I am a witch at all. I can be normal when I'm there and at times I can even forget about Draco. Of course you can see I opted not to use a memory spell or potion. I was always a little weak with potions and I thought I shouldn't take any more risks of permanent damage now that I might have found myself a life that will last._

_My future forecast looks bright, random rain showers of course as the clouds continue to fade, but I think the storms might finally be settling._

*.*.*.*

Spring faded into summer and Pansy remained happy with her job and content with the relationship she and Blaise had developed over the months they shared the flat. Because the pub and her roommate provide the ultimate distraction, Pansy's worst days were when she was not scheduled to work and she was home alone all day while Blaise was at the Ministry. One particularly sunny July afternoon the dark haired woman decided to surprise her best friend at work with the hopes of persuading him to take the rest of the day off. She arrived in the Ministry Atrium by floo and immediately as she stepped into the crowded room she spotted Draco and Astoria.

Pansy was paralyzed in the spot where she stood as she watched the Malfoys standing in the employee security line, holding hands and laughing as they waited. Draco looked happy and based on where he stood it was obvious he had started to establish a career with the Ministry; everything that Pansy wanted and more then she could bear. Her mind started developing the plan of stepping back into the floo to disappear before she looked behind her and as she backed up she ran into a feeble old witch who yelped at her and caused the entire Atrium's attention to focus in their direction. Pansy attempted to assist the witch and showered her with apologies, but the woman continued to squeal and carry on until finally Pansy noticed Draco moving quickly in their direction.

She looked down once more quickly at the older witch, "Once again, I am so very sorry for the disruption. If you will excuse me please…I must go," and without another word Pansy disappeared into a nearby floo just as she heard Draco call her name.

The moment Pansy arrived back to the flat she felt nauseous and waited for her stomach to stop turning, but it never ceased and she rushed to the bathroom just in time to throw up. Hours later Blaise returned from work and found her still sitting on the bathroom floor.

He crouched down next to her and ran his fingers gently down the side of her face, "Is this all because of what happened in the Atrium earlier? I ran into Draco today and he told me what happened. I tried to leave early but –"

Pansy raised her head and shook it faintly, "I think I'm really sick, actually. I've been waiting for you to get home because none of the spells I've tried are working."

A rush of concern washed across Blaise's face and he helped Pansy up from the bathroom floor, "Come on then…let's go to St. Mungo's and have you checked out." He helped Pansy clean herself up and they disapparated from the flat.

*.*.*.*

Pansy sat up from the sterile table in the St. Mungo's exam room and looked at the Healer with confusion, "I'm sorry, what?"

"You are pregnant. Should I assume that is not the news you wanted to hear?" The female Healer handed Pansy a tissue. "Was that the father who brought you in? I can go and get –"

"No!" Pansy smiled through her tears and softened her tone, "He is not the father and actually this is surprising news, but not bad news at all. I simply need a moment to collect myself." She tried to keep up with her furiously falling tears and could not decide if they were joyous or terrified. Eventually Pansy laughed and looked at the Healer, "Actually, could you send in my friend please?"

"Of course, I will send him right in." The woman smiled warmly, gave a quick comforting rub to Pansy's arm then walked out of the room.

Pansy started to swell immediately with the excitement of a baby. Though the prospect of motherhood was terrifying, even in the best of circumstances, the dark haired girl was smiling brightly as she considered the possibilities. She could not stop herself from imagining a nursery and little dresses or proper little dress robes. Pansy's thoughts quickly spiraled at the possibility of a boy. _Draco's son…either way Draco's heir…Lucius will kill us…probably all three of us and…_

Blaise opened the door and rushed to Pansy's side, "The Healer said you wanted to see me. What has happened? Are you ill? Where they able to heal you or is it something bad? If its something bad then we will get through it and I promise I will do whatever I have to do in order to keep you safe."

"Anything?" Pansy dried her tears and smiled hesitantly at her frantic friend.

Blaise took Pansy's hands and looked deep into her eyes, "Even if it's illegal."

She took a deep breath and squeezed Blaise's hands, "Then we agree right now, here in this room, that we will swear to our death that this is _not_ Draco's first heir."

"I can absolutely…" Blaise trailed off as he realized what Pansy said. He looked at her and when she smiled his question was confirmed and he pulled her into a tight hug, "You're pregnant… that's…" he pulled away and smiled, "Are you happy about it?"

She nodded, but her expression was concerned, "There is a lot to consider and of course I am scared and excited and worried. Lucius Malfoy mentioned specifically the day of the wedding that he would not tolerate a bastard heir. There would be little time to explain before he killed Draco and then I would have our baby in Azkaban because I killed Lucius."

Blaise smiled and put his arms around Pansy, "I will take your secret to the grave, Love. In fact I unknowingly helped your story along by telling Draco this afternoon that you had been called on by numerous suitors at your new job."

"You told him I'm dating already?" Pansy snapped at Blaise who put his hands up defensively.

"He's _married,_ Pans…I think he expected that you would date eventually. And now you are in the family way, something you will only be able to hide for so long. It will help if he thinks there is another possible father in fact…it may not be a bad idea to plant that memory in someone." Blaise chuckled at Pansy's offended expression, but his tone was serious when he spoke, "You don't want Lucius demanding clinical proof that you are not carrying the next Malfoy heir. A man in your life when Lucius comes calling will help your case."

"What about you?" Pansy smiled at the look of terror that washed across Blaise's face, "You don't really have to do anything."

"Except look Draco in the face and tell him that you and I were shagging when you were supposed to be epically in love with him. I think it would be far less devastating if your indiscretions were with an unknown party." Blaise could see that the lies were already taking the joy away from Pansy so he sat down and wrapped his arms around her. "Tell you what...we are going to schedule a follow up appointment and get out of here; we can go and have a big dinner and then we will stop in that baby shop on the corner before we go home. Then later we will come up with a solid story to be told. I know that you want to be excited and I think that you should have time for that first…we can worry about the rest later."

Pansy pulled away enough to look at Blaise, "I love you…thank you so much for being here with me."

"I love you too," he kissed her head then stood and held out his hand, "Now let's go and get the two of you something to eat. Half of the fun is going to be watching you finally put on some weight."

She rolled her eyes as she hopped off the table and took Blaise's hand, "I'm pretty sure I lost a few pounds in the bathroom this afternoon. Now suddenly I am starving!"

*.*.*.*

_13 July 2000_

_Life altering experience number one million and seventy five…and yet again involving Draco Malfoy…I found out I am pregnant today. It explains quite a bit, most especially the projectile vomiting upon arriving back to the flat…from the Ministry…where I narrowly escaped Draco by using a nearby floo. When I arrived at the Ministry this afternoon hoping to lure Blaise away from his responsibilities I had no idea that I was in for such an adventure._

_I saw them…the Malfoy's…across the Atrium. They were holding hands and laughing and it was brilliant. If it was anyone other then him I may have even smiled enviously at the sweetness of the couple, but because it was him my envy caused me to panic, run into an old woman trying to make my escape and the old bag caused a scene. My eyes locked with Draco's and I heard him say my name just before I disappeared. It has been a whirlwind ever since. I threw up…a lot, went to St. Mungo's and found out I was pregnant. And now here we are…with the story._

_It is impossible for Draco to ever know this is his child which is just another torture for me because I am so excited to be having his child I can hardly contain it. I know this is selfish and possibly wicked, but I feel vindicated to have this part of him always. I also know that some would question this thought, but there is something so amazing about the idea that this baby will be mine…completely mine and I will love him or her as much as I pray he or she will love me. This is the last brilliant thing Draco and I did together and I do not think I could ever be thankful enough for this new opportunity to build a life that I probably do not even deserve, but will be tireless in protecting. If Lucius Malfoy ever finds out that I have the Malfoy heir he will kill us…I have no doubt that even includes Draco and I will not risk any of our lives by telling the truth. _

_So there is this boy who comes into the pub all the time named Riley MacAulay; blond hair, blue eyes, tall, beautiful. I actually met him when I first came to London and then found out that The Cupboard is one of his favorite places in town. He has asked me out a few times and seems a nice enough guy…and the closest match to Draco that I have at my disposal. I'm sure it goes without saying that the physical similarities just make this easier for me all the way around. I have decided that I will continue to be friendly when he comes in the pub, perhaps I will accept a dinner invitation; however I will not manipulate his memories in any way until it is absolutely necessary. I would rather just keep the pregnancy a secret from the magical world as long as possible and…I don't know what will happen next. I keep telling Blaise I need to move away from England all together, but he will not let me so…for now I have a Plan B in case the complete deniability of Plan A fails._

_Aside from the potential danger, lying, and plans to mess with Muggle minds, I am so very excited about this news I can barely control myself. Admittedly I am scared out of my wits about being a mother but…I think I might actually be good at it. I guess I have about seven months to figure it out._

*.*.*.*

At six months, Pansy was the most adorable pregnant woman in the world and she glowed bright enough to light a city block. She decided that she would continue working as long as possible to save as much money as she could before the baby came. During the summer Pansy finally accepted one of Riley MacAulay's dinner invitations and by the time fall arrived she felt closer to him than she had ever imagined possible. Riley was supportive and interested in every aspect of Pansy's pregnancy and plans once the baby came. For the first time since the day Lucius Malfoy showed up at the cottage in the forest Pansy felt safe and optimistic about her support system with Blaise on one side and Riley on the other. Everything was working as she had hoped and her secret remained completely in tact.

October had proven to be a busy month for the pub and Pansy found herself in the back room doing inventory every break she had; with Riley's assistance of course. She stood beside the tall blond boy as he lifted boxes from the shelf and watched the muscles in his arms, dancing beneath his well fitting gray t-shirt, with dazed fascination. She tried to blame the pregnancy hormones, but during their two weeks in close proximity Pansy's feelings for Riley had started to change. He finally looked over at her and smiled, "Are you feeling all right?"

"Yes! Why?" Pansy snapped out of her gaze and started going through the box that Riley had set down in front of her without her realizing. She could feel the blood rushing to her cheeks and tried not to look up at him as he approached. By the time she looked up Riley was close and his blue eyes entranced her.

"You were staring at me," Riley smiled and brushed a few random hairs from Pansy's face, "Not that I'm complaining; just surprised is all."

Pansy smiled and started to melt into their closeness, "I'm not sure why; you're beautiful and woman stare at you all the time."

"Not you…and I know that because you are where my focus is usually at so…" He trailed off when Pansy looked down. After a slight pause he lifted her chin so she was looking at him and continued softly, "Pans, I understand that your circumstances are delicate right now, but I have really enjoyed this time of getting to know you and…well I will completely understand if you say no, but I _really_ want to kiss you right now."

"Yes please," Pansy smiled and felt her entire body start to tremble when Riley brushed his hands gently down the side of her face then brushed his lips against hers. The kiss was painful for a brief moment, but quickly turned into the first relief she had from the ache in her chest of losing Draco. Riley pulled away slightly and Pansy pulled him back to her quickly; suddenly unable to fathom letting him go.

The couples embrace was interrupted by the sound of Maggie's throat clearing followed by laughter, "Well it's about time!"

Riley smiled and Pansy blushed as the redheaded woman continued, "Pans you've got a table up. They look a little rich for this part of town so treat them well and you might get a big tip."

"I'm used to keeping rich snobby people happy," Pansy smiled and looked up at Riley, "Thank you…for _all_ of your help back here. I think maybe I could use a ride home this evening if –"

"Well I'm certainly not going anywhere." Riley smiled and pulled Pansy into another quick kiss, "Now go…get yourself that big tip," he followed Pansy out and sat at the bar as she walked behind it.

She filled two water glasses and grabbed menus then looked up and stopped dead in her tracks. Across the pub she saw Draco and Astoria sitting at a secluded corner table. They were holding hands and when Draco leaned over to kiss his wife Pansy's hands started to shake and the tray crashed from to the floor. The sound of the glasses shattering on the ground was enough to startle the dark haired girl back to reality and she rushed to the backroom without bothering to clean up her mess and before the Malfoy's could see her.

Riley immediately started to chase after Pansy, but Maggie stopped him, "Let me go…can you clean that up for me?" Riley nodded and Maggie rushed to the back room where she found Pansy leaning against a tower of shelves with her face buried her in arms. She approached and gently rubbed the girl's back, "Pans…what happened honey? Is it the baby?"

"No…" Pansy lifted her head and looked at Maggie. She tried to dry her frantically falling tears and continued with a forced smile, "I just need a minute and…I'm sorry I can not wait on that couple because…that is…" Her tears consumed her and she could not finish.

Maggie continued to rub her back, "I'll go and take care of them and you stay back here as long as you need." She kissed Pansy's head then left her alone.

_I finally get my chance to really move on…moments after my first kiss with Riley and then the Malfoy's are here. Draco ruins everything! What in the bloody hell are they even doing in a Muggle pub? My Muggle pub? _Pansy suddenly felt someone behind her and started silently praying it was not Draco. When she felt hands on her arms she knew it was not her love, but as the arms wrapped around her they were comforting and warm and she turned and wrapped her arms around Riley's waist and sobbed into his chest.

He held tight to the crying girl and rubbed her back and hair as he whispered, "Pans, what happened? Is it that guy…is that the –"

She pulled away quickly and looked up at him, "Can you get me out of here?"

"Anywhere you want to go," he smiled and kissed her forehead before rushing to grab her coat and returning to her side. They walked out the back door of the pub and when she was safely sitting in his truck he leaned over, "You stay here and I will go and tell Maggie that I am going to take you home. Will you be all right here?"

Pansy held her stomach as if the baby was moving, but was surprised by the actual reaction in her gut. _Butterflies? Really? _She smiled, somewhat in awe of how much Riley cared for her, "I'll be right here waiting…" and as he started to walk away she blurted, "Riley…thank you for doing all this."

"It is my pleasure, Miss Pansy. I've been waiting for the opportunity to be your hero for a while now," He winked and smiled shyly, "I'll be right back."

Pansy watched him walk away then rested her head back and closed her eyes. _Riley is sweet, responsible…has the blond hair and the blue eyes…he's not Draco, but he's really beautiful in his own right and…he likes me. I don't have to chase him. I'm not in second place. I'm six months pregnant with someone else's baby and he still really wanted to kiss me. He's been gone a long time…I really hope he didn't decide to go and say anything to… _Pansy's thoughts were interrupted when the truck door opened and Riley got in and smiled at her.

"Maggie sent you some dinner home," he handed her the large brown bag of food then started his truck, "And anything else you need is on me."

Her head was still rested against the back of the seat and she turned to look at him, "I think it's possible the only other thing I need tonight is you…so well done."

Riley leaned over to kiss her; the pain lasted a bit longer this time, but Pansy knew it was only because Draco was on the other side of the pub walls. At the same time knowing he was there with his _wife_ caused Pansy to fall back into the mentality that Riley was her own chance to move on and her need to keep him close intensified by the minute.

They arrived to the flat and Pansy opened the door. She threw her keys on the table and looked around quickly for any obvious magical items that may have been lying around. When the coast appeared clear she turned and smiled, "Thank you again for bringing me home."

"Stop thanking me, Pans, it was my pleasure." He slid his leather jacket off and hung it off the back of a chair, "Is Blaise home?"

"No he's on a date and told me not to expect him home until morning. Some girl he's been following around at work for the last few months finally accepted his dinner invitation and he's feeling pretty lucky." Pansy laughed at the idea of Blaise dating and then noticed Riley walking toward her with a mischievous smile.

"I understand the sense of accomplishment when that girl you've been chasing finally lets you catch her," he stopped just in front of her and ran his hand into the back of her hair. He leaned close and stopped just before their lips touched, "I hope it all works out for him."

"It is nice of you to be concerned," Pansy stopped to take a deep breath as the feeling of Riley's breath on her face took her own breath away. She was careful not to put any distance between them as she continued, "Especially since _your_ chances are looking pretty good from where I'm standing."

Riley smiled and pulled her lips to his; after several hours of kissing and cuddling Pansy curled up in Riley's arms on the sofa and closed her eyes as he played with her hair. She listened to his heartbeat and smiled as her head rose and fell with his breathing. After several long quiet minutes she pulled away and ran her fingers through his silky blond hair, "You are an amazing man, Riley. I'm sorry I wasted so much time trying to run away."

"You finally stopped and that is all that matters. We have plenty of time now to make up for anything we missed." He paused then moved his hand to rest on her stomach and continued hesitantly, "All of us…if that is what you want."

Tears fell down Pansy's face and she pulled him into a long kiss. Without any memory spells at all Riley had provided Pansy with what she needed most: support, safety and a father for her child that would not get them all killed. Her life was continuing to fall into place brilliantly and her new sense of peace allowed her to fall asleep in Riley's arms for many nights after.

*.*.*.*

_8 February 2001_

_I am so glad I had enough sense to grab my journal before leaving the flat. My daughter has been born and is quite possibly the most spectacular creature that has ever been seen on this planet. She's perfect, healthy and unnamed. I can't even think about that part right now I am so desperate for the nurses to bring her back to me and for Blaise to bloody well show up already._

Pansy closed her book and looked up when a young dark haired nurse entered pushing a baby crib. The nurse brought the infant right over, lifted her from the crib and handed her to Pansy, "She has _not_ been pleased to be away from her mother."

"Well I have missed her too," Pansy held the little girl close and could not take her eyes away for one second. "Is she all right?"

"Perfectly healthy," the nurse moved the crib across the room and walked back over to Pansy, "I brought a bottle if you want to feed her." She handed the bottle to the eager mother and continued with a smile, "Have you decided on what we will be calling her yet?"

Pansy continued looking down at the pale blonde haired girl and responded confidently, "Emma…we're going to call her Emma."

"A beautiful name for a beautiful little girl," the nurse leaned over just slightly and smiled at the baby then returned her focus to Pansy, "I can have a birth certificate drawn up…will her last name be Parkin –"

"No!" Pansy looked down quickly, embarrassed at her interruption. She took a deep breath then looked up at the nurse, "Certainly you know who I am; you have read my name in all the papers. I do not wish to ruin any of Emma's chances by saddling her with this last name."

The nurse smiled reassuringly, "I can wait for the birth certificate if you like or –"

Pansy looked up at the door quickly and her face washed with surprise as she saw Blaise walk in accompanied by Riley. She looked up at the nurse and smiled, "Could you give us just a few moments please?"

"Of course," the nurse smiled at Pansy, walked from the room and shut the door behind her.

Before Pansy could speak Riley was sitting on the bed with a beaming smile, "She's perfect. What did you name her?"

"Emma," Pansy paused as the little girl started to move at the sound of her name, "Obviously she likes it." She looked up at Riley who was completely focused on Emma then continued, "Would you like to hold her?"

He stood and took Emma without hesitation and walked her across the room to the window. He whispered to her the entire time he held her and once he was out of earshot Pansy looked up and whispered to Blaise, "You brought a Muggle to St. Mungo's? How did he not flip out the minute you walked into the abandoned department store?"

"He's…enchanted," Blaise chuckled at Pansy's reprimanding look, "Nothing strong, just something to get him in and out of here. How were you planning to explain not telling him until you came home with a baby?" He sat next to Pansy and kissed her head, "How are you?"

"Tired, but brilliant," she looked over at Riley still whispering and giggling to Emma then turned to Blaise, "I have a beautiful daughter and now my boys are here…" Pansy's thoughts began to wander and for a split second; when she looked up at Riley she nearly forgot it was not Draco standing across the room holding their daughter. She put her head back and tried to force back mounting tears. "I'm brilliant…"

Blaise put his arms around her and rested his head against hers, "You don't have to pretend with me, Pans. I know how difficult this is for you, but you must focus on being brilliant and enjoying Emma. She will be a decent distraction I'm sure of it."

"I love you," Pansy rested her head against Blaise's shoulder and wiped her eyes, "I could have never survived this without you."

"You are more of a survivor than you get yourself credit for; still it has been my pleasure." He squeezed her gently and let her go when Riley walked back over and handed Emma back to Pansy.

"She's brilliant…and smart I can already tell." The blond boy sat on the bed across from Pansy and could not stop smiling, "When do you get to go home?"

"Tomorrow," Pansy leaned forward and kissed Emma's head, "Though what's the hurry since you don't even have a proper nursery yet." Pansy looked up at Riley and Blaise both smiling like they had something to hide. "What have you two done?"

Riley laughed and reached over to stroke Emma's head, "She will have everything she needs…you both will...just like I promised." He looked up at Pansy and brushed her face, "And the rest is a surprise so simply find a way to deal with it."

The door to Pansy's room opened and interrupted any response. The same nurse walked over and smiled, "I am sorry to intrude, but I actually do need to complete a birth certificate for Emma. It can be changed of course within a short amount of time and –"

Blaise and Riley both looked to Pansy who had a blank expression. She started to respond when Riley leaned forward and whispered, "If this is about your situation and you don't want her to have your name…you can give her mine."

All attention focused to Riley and as tears fell down Pansy's face she looked over and smiled at the nurse, "MacAulay…Emma MacAulay…and if there is a place to list her father his name is Riley." Pansy reached over and took Riley's hand and smiled at the nurse, "Anything else on there that needs to be filled out?"

"Well there is a place for you to list her magi –"

"Godparents!" Blaise interrupted quickly before the nurse announced that little Emma would be appointed _magical_ guardians and smiled at Pansy who looked as if she was about to pass out.

Pansy smiled at the nurse, "Blaise Zabini and Margaret O'Connor."

The nurse recorded the names and smiled up at Pansy, "I will bring you copies when they are available; and its bath time if we can steal her away for just a few more minutes?"

"Only a few more minutes though," Pansy smiled at the nurse then kissed Emma and handed her over; once Emma was out of sight the dark haired girl's focus returned to Riley, "Thank you…but are you sure? This is a big step when she's not –"

Riley interrupted Pansy by placing a finger to her lips and Blaise took his cue to vacate the room. Once the door was shut Riley moved closer to Pansy and whispered shyly, "I want a life with you Pansy and I told you from the beginning that I accepted a life with you comes with raising someone else's child. But I promise you that I will always love her as if she is my own because she is also a part of you…and I do love you, Pansy…whether you like it or not."

"I do like it…and I love you too," she pulled him close and into a kiss then made him sit next to her. She rested against him and closed her eyes when she felt his strong safe arms wrap around her. "So tell me about my surprise."

"Not a chance, Parkinson…"

"Just a hint," Pansy pulled away to look up at him and smiled at his tight lipped expression, "Fine…I'll wait until tomorrow. I've had enough excitement for one day anyway." She rested back against him and they talked about all of the other daydreams they had for their future while they waited for their daughter to be returned from her bath.

*.*.*.*

Pansy woke hours later and Riley was gone. She sat up quickly and found Blaise sitting in the chair across the room holding Emma, "Well isn't that a painting?"

Blaise looked up and smiled then walked over to sit on the bed. He handed Emma awkwardly to Pansy and chuckled quietly, "I think I'm a bit smitten with your daughter. She's enchanting for certain…just like her mother."

"Let's hope she stays away from most of my _enchanting _qualities." Pansy looked around again quickly then back to Blaise, "Please tell me you've not allowed the charmed Muggle to go wandering around?"

"No I took him home so he could get ready for you and Emma tomorrow. He wanted to come back later, but I convinced him that you would be sleeping a lot and he agreed to wait until tomorrow when I bring you home. But he loves you and a bunch of other sentimental rubbish that I will not be repeating." Blaise chuckled again, but was obviously troubled and looked down quickly before Pansy could notice.

Pansy shifted on the bed then covered Emma's little arms with the blanket; after a long pause she took a deep breath and responded calmly, "So why don't you tell me what has happened so I know what to do next?"

"I went to check my messages at work and when I returned Draco was standing outside your door looking in your window." Blaise raised his hands to calm Pansy's immediate reaction, "Emma was having her bath and all he saw was you and Riley, but that was enough."

Her heart was racing and she paused to be thankful that Draco had not seen Emma, but it was of little comfort. "What was he doing here? And did he honestly expect that I would never date again, or was he not even fazed by the idea?"

"He was devastated…and I'm not telling you so that you will feel guilty, but I have tried very hard to be as honest with both of you as the other will allow. He did not _choose_ this, Pansy, and he misses you terribly, it's written all over his face all the time. I was with him earlier, when I received your message, and he was talking about needing to see you again."

"And now he has," Pansy reached up to dry the tears rolling down her face, "In a way, I expected he would somehow be drawn to us today and am just grateful that he did not see Emma because…" she trailed off and kissed Emma's head.

"Are you? Wouldn't it all be easier if you just told him and –"

"Have you lost your bloody mind, Blaise? Easier if I told him and then Lucius Malfoy can kill me and Riley and probably even you so that Draco and Astoria bloody Greengrass can raise Draco's child without anyone knowing or caring about what happened to me? I turned the chosen one over to the Dark Lord, Blaise…do you think that people have forgotten that? Do you think that it would be difficult to make me disappear forever without anyone giving it a second thought?"

"Do you honestly believe I would ever let anything happen to you, Pans? Even more so, do you think that Draco would do anything less than die protecting you from Lucius Malfoy?" Blaise felt his emotions about the discussion escalate and suddenly lowered his tone, "Draco loves you and he would protect you from his father, Pansy; you must believe this."

Pansy paused and rested her head back; finally reaching up to dry her tears before responding, "And why must I believe that, Blaise? Because he stood up to his father a year and half ago and stayed with me instead of marrying someone else because daddy commanded it? The only thing I know is that you will protect me, and Riley will protect me, and together we will move heaven and earth to protect Emma, but I will not put all of us in danger simply so Draco Malfoy can know he has a daughter. I'm sure Lucius was hoping for a male child anyway. Draco made his choice then and I am making my choice now and I am praying that you are still willing to keep this secret for me."

Blaise took her hand and sighed, "You know that I will. I am just so sorry that this is how it has to be. At the same time I think Riley is a good man and will take excellent care of my girls so in the end I'm still happier for you than you could ever know."

"We're a family now, Blaise…all of us," she squeezed his hand and smiled, "So go meet a girl and have some babies so our kids can grow up together and have fun stories and albums full of photos of everything wonderful that we never had." Pansy laughed at the horrified look on Blaise's face, "I'm just making a suggestion."

"Yes, well, I have to find the girl first, don't I? That is posing several astonishingly unexpected problems. I question my stability since the only girl I've even noticed in the last few months…maybe I should start frequenting your Muggle pub and –"

"Not so fast, Zabini. The only girl you've even noticed in the last few months is who?" Pansy was surprised at Blaise's discomfort with the question, "Wow…you like this girl whoever she is."

"No, I don't. She's just some Quidditch player and…it's irrelevant. Why don't we talk about how you are going to tell the Muggle that you are a witch? I think you should tell him before you get married so he doesn't think you enchanted him. You know that is always what the Muggles say _after_ they are married and find out the truth." Blaise chuckled as he sat down on the bed and reached over to brush Emma's head, "Besides, I can already tell this one is going to be a brilliant witch…just like her mum."

"Married?" Pansy was suddenly the one uncomfortable with the topic, "Blaise, please tell me he's not planning to propose tomorrow when I get home because it is a bit soon for all that. I realize when I just put his last name on my daughter's birth certificate it would not seem too soon, but…"

He reached over and patted her head, "Never fear, Love; I'm quite sure even Riley is smart enough to resist proposals until you take your existing ring off." Blaise watched Pansy's focus fall sadly to her left hand, "I'm not saying you should do that right now, but…like I said, Pans…Riley is a good man. Don't run from him forever because you're still trying to run after something you keep saying is best avoided."

She looked up and rolled her eyes followed by a huge smile, "I hate when you are logical and right, Blaise, but I love you for putting up with me and my endless drama all this time."

"We're family right? Endless drama is one of the perks." Blaise stood and kissed her head, "You really should get some rest. Tomorrow will be a big day; going home with the human being that can not take care of herself at all."

"Why are you trying to scare me?" Pansy darted Blaise a playfully dirty look then focused on Emma, "We are going to be just fine though aren't we? Between me and Riley I think we can figure you out."

"You will absolutely be just fine, Pansy…you always are." Blaise said his goodnights and left the mother and daughter alone for the first time all day.

Pansy sat back against the bed and stared down at Emma sleeping; trying to focus on the wonder of holding her own baby in her arms and trying to repress every one of Draco's features she could see in the daughter they shared. "You look just like your Daddy, Emma… that could be a problem."

*.*.*.*

_8 March 2001_

_Emma is one month old today and she is more brilliant than I ever imagined. Riley's surprise was our very own loft; there is a comfortable living room, bedroom for us, nursery for Emma, small little kitchen, fireplace and a balcony where we are going to put tons of flowers in the spring. Riley has been amazing with Emma and with me…things are so wonderful and I hate to sound surprised, but I continue to be._

_I asked Blaise the other day if he missed me at the flat and he tried to lie and say he did, but I think he is really enjoying having his space and quiet back. He would be going mental right now with as much as Emma cries. She is absolutely her father's daughter in the whining department. She looks just like Draco, and Blaise keeps telling me it's only because she's a blonde that the resemblance is so strong. Still I'm certain if Draco ever saw her on the street he would know immediately and I am a little scared that it will only be worse once she's a little older. It is painful to me that I so desperately want her not to look like him when he is beautiful._

_But I'm not thinking about him at all these days. I'm a brand new Pansy…mother of a little sprite and in love with the Muggle Riley._

Pansy looked up from her journal when Riley walked in the door. She smiled and stood from the rocking chair, "Emma is all ready and I will be too in five minutes."

He stopped her as she tried to pass and engaged her in a long kiss. When he pulled away he rested his forehead against hers, "Take your time…London isn't going anywhere."

She rushed off to change and collected all of Emma's necessary gear then they were off for an exciting day of shopping. After visiting Maggie at The Cupboard and every baby and home good shop Pansy came across, Riley ventured off alone for a few minutes and Pansy walked toward the next baby clothes store on her path. Just outside the shop she heard her name, close behind her, and spoken by a voice that made her entire body shiver. She turned and forced a smile, "Mr. and Mrs. Malfoy…this is certainly a surprise." _What in the bloody hell are Draco's parents doing in downtown Muggle London? _She considered apparating her and Emma out of sight, but realized all the implications and consequences for acting so carelessly. Besides, they had already seen her daughter.

Narcissa looked down into the stroller and smiled at the little girl, "You are simply the most beautiful girl in the world, aren't you?" The Malfoy matriarch looked up at Pansy and smiled, "How old is she?"

"Just a month, gave us a bit of a scare too because she was early, but she is healthy and full of life now." Pansy was so comfortable speaking with Narcissa, but her tension never relieved as she felt Lucius' stare shift quickly from her to Emma.

"Early…so this must have all happened just after you left Wiltshire?" Lucius glared at Pansy, trying to read her reactions, "What is her name then?"

Pansy took a quick deep breath, choking on the reality that she could not deny him a response, "Emma Rose MacAulay." She smiled, receiving the surprised expression she had hoped for from Lucius, and before anyone could respond she felt the safety of Riley behind her.

"Here you two are…so sorry to interrupt." Riley kissed the side of Pansy's head and waited for an introduction.

Involuntarily Pansy started speaking, "Riley this is Lucius and Narcissa Malfoy, the parents of a boy I attended secondary school with. Mr. and Mrs. Malfoy this is my fiancé, Riley MacAulay, he is…" _Oh no…how do I say Muggle without saying – _

Riley interrupted Pansy's mental tangent by extending his hand to Lucius Malfoy with an unknowing smile, "Pleased to meet you." The boy's naïve arrogance in presuming to shake hands with such a devious wizard was enough detail to prove his Muggle status. Lucius shook his hand with obvious hesitation and Riley merely nodded respectively to Mrs. Malfoy as opposed to attempting another more customary greeting.

Pansy interpreted Lucius' pause to take in Riley's appearance as evidence enough that he had not just stumbled upon the Malfoy heir, however her relief was short lived when the patriarch spoke smugly, "Narcissa, isn't it amazing how much this young man looks like our Draco."

_Damn you! Riley will totally recognize the first name. Damn it!_ Pansy looked up at Riley and smiled though she could see the recognition wash across his face. _He's putting it together… that he looks just like the man I am really in love with. Damn it!_ Pansy could see Lucius starting to elaborate when she blurted suddenly, "See and I don't think he looks like Draco at all? I mean they are both blond, but…sometimes that is just what you like," she looked pleadingly at Narcissa who smiled slightly in return.

Narcissa took Lucius' arm and spoke quietly, "I'm afraid I do not see the resemblance, dear. In any event, we should allow Pansy and Riley to continue enjoying this beautiful afternoon with their daughter."

"Indeed; well we will be sure to tell Draco that we came upon you this afternoon and about your joyous news." Lucius glared at Pansy then down at the child in the stroller once more before starting to lead Narcissa away.

The Malfoy matriarch smiled again at Riley and then Pansy, "Congratulations, I am glad to see that you have found happiness finally."

With all the strength inside her, Pansy managed to hold back her tears and smiled at Narcissa as she walked away. She started pushing Emma's stroller forward and her mind raced with how to break the deafening silence. _Just tell him everything! _After a few more silent moments of internal battling Pansy stopped and looked up at Riley, "Can we sit in that park for a few minutes and talk?"

"I told you from the beginning that you do not owe me any explanations, Pans. It's your future that concerns me." He tucked a random hair behind her ear and kissed her gently. "But if want to tell me this then I will listen."

Pansy walked to the park across the road and sat down on a bench. She covered Emma up then turned to Riley. "I met him in school…Draco…when we were eleven and I was obsessed with him. We went through a lot together and were actually quite horrible not only to each other, but to nearly everyone we came in contact with. Just prior to graduation, something devastating happened and as a result, I literally needed to be rescued and Draco was the one who rescued me. In a whirlwind I never expected, he also claimed to love me. I know he loved me, but I never imagined that would ever happen. It had never crossed my mind that he and I would ever have even one moment of real happiness together, but to my surprise we had a year and promises of forever."

"This bloke is a wanker, Pans…"

She smiled and took Riley's hand, "You have already determined that when I've not even finished the story?"

"You're sitting here with _me,_ aren't you? Anyone who had a year with you _and_ secured any promises of forever, but still let you go is a wanker." Riley smiled and squeezed her hands, "However, I am sorry for interrupting…please continue."

_Sadly, your opinion will not change._ Pansy took another deep breath and carefully detailed the rest. "Draco's father arranged a marriage for him to a girl from a prestigious family –"

"Maggie said he was some sort of political figure…this Draco bloke. Something he must have said that night at the pub. So that was his _wife_ with him?" Riley reached over and brushed Pansy's face after she nodded her confirmation, "Like I said then, Love…nothing is going to convince me this guy isn't a wanker."

Pansy was still stuck on the comment about Draco being a political figure, "Why didn't Maggie ever tell me that?"

"She was afraid of upsetting you. That night was upsetting for all of us who witnessed your reaction to these people from your past. I obviously know how the story ends Pans and I'm sorry that you had to go through all of that." He squeezed her hands and looked down sadly, "I guess my only question is, even though you can't be with him, how much do you still love him?" He looked back up and hesitantly waited for her response.

_I can not answer that. You do not want me to answer that. _Pansy tried to keep a calm demeanor and smiled shyly, "I do still love him, Riley; I will not lie to you about that." _Lie! Damn it Pansy do not let Draco Malfoy ruin this for you! Lie! _Pansy's smile increased instinctively and her lie came just as naturally as if she was eleven years old again, "But I am _in love_ with you. We have a future that I am really looking forward to. I just wanted you to understand the dynamic of my past because it explains a lot about who I am."

"I hope you know that you can tell me _anything_ and I will never judge you. I love you too and I can handle whatever you have to throw at me." He leaned over and pulled her into a kiss then rested his forehead against hers, "And you better believe as soon as you are ready to take that ring off I will be making your _fiancé_ comment official."

_Will you feel the same once I tell you my other secret? _She kissed him quickly then looked down at Emma, "I'm working on it…taking the ring off. I hope you understand that its not –"

Riley put his hand to Pansy's mouth to quiet her, "Please stop trying to explain and apologize for everything. You should know by now that it is really difficult to offend or surprise or upset me."

_I'm a magical witch and I considered manipulating your memories to make you think we had sex and this was biologically your child…until you loved me on your own of course. _Pansy was becoming frustrated with her random mind racing and forced a smile so that Riley would not pick up on the fact that something else was going on. "We should get back to the flat, make dinner, put Emma down and we can talk more. I liked our talk…it made me feel better to share something so huge with you and as always you made me feel completely safe." She smiled again and stood quickly. _I liked our talk and feel better sharing? I have lost my bloody mind!_

Riley stood and put his arm around Pansy, "It's about time you tell me more about you. I've only been boring you with tales of my misspent youth for the last how many months? I'm sure you have far better stories than neighborhood wars with eggs and that time I beat up our class president."

_Wars with dark wizards and tried to kill the chosen one a few times…no comparison. _Pansy smiled, "Prepare to be surprised and possibly even upset or offended, Riley MacAulay. You want to know more about me and for whatever reason, I am feeling no fear about sharing it; you have no idea what you have gotten yourself into."

Riley chuckled and they walked back to the flat discussing lighter topics of what Pansy bought for Emma and the warm end of winter weather. With each step closer to the flat Pansy was more convinced she was ready to tell her biggest secret and terrified that it would derail everything she had worked so hard to attain. Once they were inside, had dinner and Emma was sleeping soundly Riley sat down on the sofa next to Pansy and handed her a glass of wine.

He raised his glass and chuckled, "To Pansy's big secret revelation."

She took a deep breath and was almost amused by the innocence with which Riley joked. He had no idea what was coming, but good or bad it was not right to keep it from him any longer. Pansy tapped her glass against his and tipped her head back until the glass was empty. She looked down at the table and realized that Riley had not brought the bottle. Involuntarily and as if it was the most natural thing in the world she pulled her wand from her pocket, pointed it toward the kitchen and when the bottle flew into her hand she poured another full glass, downed it and smiled up at Riley, "I'm a magical witch."

*.*.*.*

_5 April 2001_

_Well it's been almost a month since I told Riley that I was a magical witch and he seems to finally be warming up to the concept. I am positive he was afraid of me for a few days after, but that faded quickly. He actually makes me summon things from the other rooms all the time now. He does still remind me from time to time that he would prefer I not to turn him into anything when he says something stupid or annoying; so far nothing has been said that has made me even consider it. I think it's adorable too that he is constantly watching Emma for her first signs of magic. I keep trying to tell him that any signs within just the first few months would be miraculous, but he is convinced she is a genius and will excel far beyond her 'wand friends' as he calls them._

_As far as the rest of what has happened in the aftermath of that fated day when Draco's parents decided to take a stroll through Muggle London; well that's a bit more complicated. As far as Blaise can tell Lucius did not make good on his promise to tell Draco that he ran into me, engaged and with a baby. In fact according to Blaise my name has not been uttered from Draco Malfoy's mouth again since he saw me at St. Mungo's. He is either suppressing his emotions about seeing me with Riley, or maybe his parents did tell him about Emma and he has chosen to just put it all behind him. Maybe he does not care at all…I know that's not true, but some days believing it makes all of this easier to deal with. _

_The sad thing is that along with not talking about me, Draco has barely been talking to Blaise much at all. I did not want to be what pulled them apart, but I think I have become the very tear in their fabric. Draco feels that Blaise has taken my side, and how else can you interpret him giving me a place to stay and keeping all my secrets? Still I was the one who was displaced by all of it. If Blaise had not been there who knows what would have happened to me. Now here we are. _

_Blaise is seeing some daft bimbo that I can not stomach and need to creatively and non-violently dispose of. I'm working on it. Riley and I are really happy and every day with Emma is brilliant. She is so alert already and spunky…a lot like me, which is a fear to repress for later. These days I have no room to worry about anything other than the small sinking feeling, that I have every morning and every night, that Lucius Malfoy could descend anytime questioning the life I have built. For now I try to enjoy the good and believe that it will all last because it's just my turn._

_With that said…I'm taking Emma to Diagon Alley today. Blaise said it is safe for me to go out in wizarding public alone again. I'm a little nervous to say the least. When I return I will have removed my engagement ring from Draco. Wish me luck with that!_

*.*.*.*

Emma's eyes were captivated by the many sights and sounds of Diagon Alley as Pansy nervously pushed her stroller down the path. To the dark haired girl's surprise Blaise was correct and most people paid her little attention as they passed. Still she was hesitant to drop her guard and decided to stick with the original plan of buying what she needed from Flourish and Blotts and the stationary store and getting back to the Muggle world as quickly as possible. As she continued to blend in she allowed her mind to wander and was amused by how comfortable she was in a Muggle world that she never considered as opposed to the magical one she had grown up in. She was relieved that Riley knew her secret and there would always be reasons to come to Diagon Alley, but otherwise she was content in her little flat with her Muggle boyfriend, magical daughter and the normal life that surrounded her.

As the minutes passed and Pansy finally started feeling comfortable she was able to get lost in Flourish and Blotts. After nearly an hour her arms were full of books and she made her way to the counter to pay. With great anticipation to go and buy a new quill she turned suddenly with her purchases and ran into the person behind her with Emma's stroller. Pansy quickly checked her startled daughter, and started making her apologies before even looking up, "Please excuse me, I am so very sorry."

"It is no trouble."

Pansy looked up at the somewhat familiar voice and she started to shake, "Astoria…"

"Hello, Pansy." The blonde girl paused and looked down at Emma. When she looked back up she blurted with a calm, but surprised tone, "You have a daughter."

_Can you apparate with a baby? Why don't I know this?_ Pansy smiled awkwardly and tried to be as calculated in her response as possible without being rude or defensive. _I'm her nanny is all! _ "Yes, I do…her name is Emma…Emma Rose." _Please tell me Draco is not with you._

Astoria could not seem to take her eyes off the baby with a head full of blonde curly hair. Finally she looked up at Pansy and smiled, "She is beautiful. Congratulations."

"Thank you –"

"So how old is she?" Astoria startled herself a bit with the urgency of her interruption and she composed herself quickly as she appeared to brace for Pansy's response.

"She was born in February and she was about six weeks early so…" _Keep it together Pansy! _To keep their conversation more private Pansy pushed Emma's stroller closer to the entry way of the book shop and continued quietly to Astoria, "Draco is not her father."

"I am so sorry, Pansy; I did not mean to be rude. This can be no less awkward for you than it is for me, and I hope you know that I never meant you any harm." Astoria's words were genuine and her smile made it even more obvious that she was a truly good person.

The idea that Draco had an arranged marriage to someone who seemed so kind and sincere made Pansy feel relief and at the same time she fought desperately to keep her eyes from rolling. Finally and for lack of a more appropriate reaction Pansy chuckled softly, "This is _very_ awkward, but I do believe you and…thank you for saying it. I realize this was not your first choice either, but I am happy if you two have figured out a way to make it work." _I know he loves you, please do not rub it in. _

"I am happy to see that you have also found better times. You have a spectacular daughter and I see you also have an engagement ring." Astoria smiled as she looked down at the ring then back up at Pansy.

Pansy also looked down at her left hand where Draco's ring still rested perfectly on her finger. She felt almost dazed as she looked back up at Astoria and started rambling, "Yes…I'm engaged to this incredibly amazing man…" She trailed off and a cutting thought crossed her mind. _You know him…your husband._ Pansy quickly regained her composure and reached into her bag, "His name is Riley…would you like to see a picture?" _So you can see for yourself where Emma's blonde hair supposedly comes from?_

"Of course," Astoria seemed to become lighter as their conversation continued. She complimented Riley and handed the photo back to Pansy. "I know that your path has not been easy, Pansy, but I am so happy to see that you are well. I know that Draco would be pleased."

"Do you intend to tell him that we ran into each other today?" Pansy suddenly did not know which would be worse; Draco finding out everything or being the _only_ one who did not possess the knowledge that she was a mother. She watched Astoria's eyes swim in the perplexity of the question, "You do not need to tell me that. I apologize I –"

"Do you want me to tell him?" Astoria was completely sincere and confident with her question and as she continued, "I know that you have wanted to keep your life separate and secret and honestly I can not say that I blame you; in fact I have been thankful because if you hadn't he would have never let me in." Suddenly the blonde's resolve was faltering and her tone was saddened when she continued, "He loves you a great deal, Pansy. I knew that from the beginning and I accept that he always will. At the same time we have found our own happiness during the last year and…I don't want to lie to him, but somehow I fear that if he knows your current situation then we will find ourselves starting all over again."

_She is making this far too easy!_ "I would never tell you to keep something from him because I know how much he values loyalty and I would be evil if I did not warn you that this is exactly the kind of thing he would consider a betrayal. At the same time he will never hear about my life from me or from Blaise. I would never confirm this conversation for him in fact…to protect my heart and my relationship with Riley I really hope that I never have cause to speak with Draco again. It just makes this easier for everyone and eventually he and I will fade for each other and everyone will be happy." _Never going to happen! _"Honestly I am surprised his parents did not tell him. Riley, Emma and I ran into them in London last month."

"Just between you and me…Lucius Malfoy scares me." Astoria giggled as she blushed, but there was a genuine fear in her confession.

Pansy knew all too well what Draco's father was capable of and in return for Astoria's honesty and respect Pansy decided to share some valuable knowledge. "Be afraid of Lucius Malfoy because he is genuinely evil. You will be the mother of the next Malfoy heir and I imagine that brings with it many luxuries and protections, but never let your guard down with him."

"I appreciate the advice; and so that you know, I will probably tell Draco that I saw you, not the part about his father of course, but…I will simply hope for the best." She smiled sadly at Pansy then looked down once more at Emma, "Goodbye, little Emma," then started to walk out.

"Astoria…he does love you, just trust me when I say that I have seen it with my own eyes and I would certainly never lie about something like that." Pansy fought back the tears that would have destroyed her if she allowed them to fall and forced a smile instead.

"Good luck to you and your family, Pansy."

"You too…" _Now please leave before I start crying and/or make you disappear in front of all of these witnesses. _Pansy smiled until Astoria was gone and after waiting a few minutes extra to assure the coast was clear Pansy left the book shop and went straight home to Muggle safety.

*.*.*.*

_5 April 2001_

_We have to leave…tonight. What in the bloody hell was I thinking this afternoon? That Astoria honestly believed Riley is Emma's father. Emma looks exactly like Draco. And I played right into her hands…she gave me the choice of telling him or not…I should just send him an owl right now and tell him my bloody self. Then Lucius can descend and take Emma from me before I get any more attached; in fact…maybe I should just hand her to Draco and Astoria myself. _

_Where is Blaise? I've left him three messages and _

A knock at the door startled Pansy and she was suddenly convinced she would find Draco on the other side ready to claim his daughter. She rushed to the door and yelled through it, "Who is there?"

"Its Blaise…you've only sent me five hundred messages…who else would it," he paused and smiled when the door opened, "What happened?"

Pansy pulled Blaise inside and closed the door, "I went to Diagon Alley and ran into Astoria Mal…" she trailed off and her face scrunched up, "I think I just vomited in my mouth a little. She's sweet and beautiful and far too bloody understanding for anyone's good. What's worse is I'm quite sure she's also genuine about it."

Blaise's expression had quickly started to mirror Pansy's; he followed her to the sofa and responded with concern, "What did she say?"

"That Emma was beautiful and asked when she was born. I told her point blank that Emma was not Draco's daughter…showed her pictures of Riley and everything. Thankfully she had never seen my engagement ring from Draco so she believed that I was engaged to Riley. She also gave me the choice of whether she told Draco that she ever saw me." Pansy could feel her chest tighten and she considered finishing the story while she was packing up the loft.

"What did you say?"

"I started to babble and told her not to betray Draco, but at the same time I hoped to never speak to him again so she should do what she wanted. I also told her that Draco's parents saw us in London and that she should be afraid of Lucius Malfoy." Pansy looked down when Blaise took a deep concerned breath. She continued quickly, "I know…I lost my bloody mind. The conversation ended with me telling her that Draco loved her…that I had seen it in his eyes and she should just trust me. The vigilante really just beat all the Slytherin out of me apparently." She rested her face in her hands and sighed.

"What do you think she's going to do next?" Blaise moved over and rubbed Pansy's back trying to comfort her.

After a long pause Pansy looked up and shrugged, "Not sure, but my bet is she will keep it to herself. I'm sure she wants nothing more then for Emma's father to be someone else and I imagine she will risk Draco's wrath at finding out she kept it a secret if it will keep him as far away from me as possible for now. Still…I am thinking of telling Riley that we should leave for a while."

"Leave…where? You are not going anywhere, Pans. If Lucius Malfoy had any thought that Draco was Emma's father he would have already made his move. I tend to agree with your theories about Astoria as well so…there is no reason for you to run." He took her hands when she started to get up, "Pansy, I'm serious. You can't leave…because I can't go with you."

She smiled at his objection to being left behind, "You have your secret Quidditch girlfriend and your disturbingly obnoxious real girlfriend to keep you company."

"I got rid of the real and obnoxious one this afternoon and there is no secret Quidditch girlfriend." Blaise glared playfully at her then pulled her into a tight hug, "I will not let you run away, Pansy. You have a life here and we will all do whatever is necessary to see that your happiness continues on completely undisturbed."

_Everyone keeps promising that…and I'm sorry I can't believe any of you._ Pansy squeezed Blaise tight then pulled away, "Fine…for now we will stay and see what happens. But the first sign of trouble and we are gone."

Before Blaise could respond the door opened and Riley walked in. Pansy stood to greet him and could see something was wrong the minute she made eye contact. She pulled him into a long hug, "Bad day?"

"I could ask you the same. Have you been crying?" Riley kissed her head then looked over and nodded at Blaise.

"It's nothing. What happened?" Pansy took Riley's hand and walked him over to the sofa that Blaise cleared for them. She sat down and waited for a response.

Riley looked over at Blaise first then returned to Pansy with even more concern, "That man we ran into in London…Draco's father…he was at The Cupboard this afternoon asking a lot of questions about you. Maggie phoned me at the office and he disappeared pretty quickly when I showed up. I did not speak with him, but according to Maggie he was asking things like when you started working there and when you and I started dating."

Pansy felt herself starting to choke and when Emma's cries sounded from the nursery tears unleashed from her eyes. She was paralyzed with fear and no matter how hard she tried to move or speak she was unsuccessful. After a moment's pause Riley got up and went to the nursery and Blaise moved back to the sofa and grabbed Pansy's arms.

"Look at me," he focused on her until her eyes locked onto his, "Pack what you need and I will have all three of you out of here as soon as you are ready." He waited for her to respond and when she did not he continued urgently, "Pansy! Focus! Do you want me to go and explain this to Riley or –"

"We should just erase every memory Riley has of me and I should go alone. If he runs with us he is in danger too and –" Pansy looked up when Riley walked into the living room holding Emma.

"Where are we going?" Emma was cradled calmly in Riley's arms as he sat down in the chair across from Pansy and Blaise. "I assume you are talking about running and I also assume you have decided that I can not handle the ramifications of being on the run from an evil wizard, but you are not going without me. So where are we going?"

Blaise looked at Pansy and when she didn't respond he turned to Riley, "Once you are packed I will have arrangements in place to take you to Ireland and from there we will find the next safest place for you to land."

Pansy's tears turned to sobs quickly and she buried her face in her hands. "I am so sorry…for all of this, I am so sorry."

Riley moved to kneel in front of Pansy. He rested Emma in her lap and made her look up at him, "I told you from the beginning that I knew what I was getting myself into with you, Pans. I have been able to handle everything else and I can handle this too."

Blaise stood from the sofa and gave them a moment and Pansy looked up and smiled, "You're sure?"

"Like I said…you can't go anywhere without me." Riley kissed her head and made sure Pansy had Emma before he stood and looked to Blaise, "So what is the plan? Maybe I should travel with Emma because they would not think to come after me first; and you can travel with Pansy."

Pansy looked back for Blaise's response. His expression perplexed her, but she trusted his judgment more than any other. After a brief pause he responded, "We will all travel together. Emma will be irritable at best if she's away from Pansy besides…I would think you would be hesitant to travel by magical means without a wizard present."

"I hadn't thought of that," Riley seemed defeated and returned to the sofa.

All attention focused on Blaise as he sat on the chair, "Riley…you should go and pick up supplies; a few cans of baby food, diapers, candy for Pansy. I will help her pack and when you return we will go to my flat and leave from there."

Riley stood quickly and looked down at Pansy, "Any special requests?"

She shook her head, "Whatever you think. Just hurry."

He leaned down to kiss her then Emma and was out the door in a split second. Blaise watched Pansy watching the door for a moment then stood and rushed into Emma's nursery. From there he rushed to Pansy and Riley's room then back to the living room. Pansy was surprised by Blaise's sudden urgency and chuckled, "If you let me put Emma down for a minute I will help you with the –"

Blaise walked up to her and stopped close, "Do you have your wand, your engagement ring from Draco and your Slytherin pendant?"

"The three things besides my daughter I would never be caught without? Of course I do…why do you –"

Before Pansy could respond Blaise wrapped his arms around her and Emma and they disapparated from sight.

*.*.*.*

Pansy pulled away from Blaise and started frantically checking Emma over to make sure she had not been splinched. When her eyes returned to Blaise she was infuriated, "Have you lost your bloody mind?"

Blaise tried to approach, but Pansy backed away from him. He remained silent as she looked around and took in the pale moonlight falling over the streets of what appeared to be a small town. When Blaise could see that she had calmed, though only slightly, he broke the silence, "I am sorry that I did not give you any warning, but…please let me find you and Emma somewhere to stay and –"

"Maybe you should first tell me why we left all of our stuff…including Riley in London? And then maybe you can tell me where in the bloody hell we are." Tears started falling down Pansy's face, "What happened?"

He walked over to her and put his hands on her shoulders, "Promise that you will not panic and just hear me out…"

She looked up at him with increasing terror, "Panic? Is there something worse than the thing I already know? Did you bring us to France?"

He rolled his eyes and resisted the impulse to laugh at such a moment, "Have you ever even been to France?"

"No…but when I think of quaint little towns like this I think of France. Where are we, Blaise? What happened?" Pansy's fear faded to pleading and exhaustion, "I honestly do not know how much more I can take right now before I snap."

Blaise took a deep breath and ran his hands down Pansy's arms as he continued sadly, "We are in a small community outside a larger city called Chicago –"

"YOU BROUGHT US TO AMERICA?" Pansy immediately blushed at her outburst then looked around for anyone who may have heard. Finally she looked down at Emma, amazed she was still soundly asleep. "I'm sorry…I'm better now…go on."

"May we please just walk up the way here, allow me to secure our lodging and –"

"Blaise…why did we leave Riley," tears fell quickly down Pansy's face and she took a deep breath as she accepted that whatever news Blaise was holding back was more proof that the worst always happens. "Fine…let's go get a room, I can put Emma down so she is comfortable and you can tell me the next chapter in why karma is a bloody bitch."

They walked silently down the street and arrived outside a small motel. Pansy sat with Emma in the lobby while Blaise handled the business and after only a few minutes they were walking back outside and up to their room. Pansy looked down and could not help but smile when she realized Blaise suddenly had suitcases in both hands and a diaper bag hanging off his shoulder. "Where did all of that come from?"

He looked back and smiled, "It would have seemed strange if we did not have luggage. Unfortunately these are not really your things, but as soon as you are both settled I will make sure you have everything that you need."

_You're going to produce Draco Malfoy out of thin air…in America? _

Once inside the room Pansy put Emma on one of the beds and continued to marvel that she had slept through all that was happening. She leaned down and kissed her head then walked over to sit across from Blaise in a chair by the window. She drank down the tumbler of whiskey he poured for her then looked up and smiled sadly, "Why do I get the feeling that I should start by thanking you for yet again saving my life?"

Blaise poured them both another drink then took a long deep breath, "For the same reason that I want to begin by saying how very sorry I am." He downed his drink and looked up at Pansy, "We left Riley behind because he was working for Lucius Malfoy."

Pansy's face flushed and for the first time ever she instantly doubted her best friend, "What are you talking about? I know you were afraid of losing me Blaise, but that statement is hateful. Riley loves us!"

"Riley was probably put in place the minute you left for London the first time and the plan to keep an eye on you developed as soon as you left the wedding. When you told him everything about Draco it was all he needed to confirm with Lucius. He knew if he told you that Lucius was asking questions that you would run and that is why he suggested travelling alone with Emma." Blaise watched Pansy start to drift, "Pans, I am so sorry –"

"You're a liar, Blaise. How would you even know all of that and why would you have waited so long to tell me?" She stood and started to walk back over to Emma, "Did Draco put you up to this?"

"I'm a Legilimens, Pans. I read him when he first started hanging around _The Cupboard_ all the time, but I know now that the plan was not in place then. I'm not even sure what made me so suspicious this afternoon, but…I would never tell you such a hurtful lie and especially not for Malfoy. I promised to protect you and I did what I thought was best." Blaise stood and approached Pansy; he wiped her tear soaked face and whispered, "Please tell me you understand that I was only trying to keep you safe."

Pansy was choking on another devastating blow and she finally looked up at Blaise with new tears in her eyes, "When will I lose you then? Lucius will be coming for Emma and then you will be all that I have left."

He kissed her head and whispered, "Never, Love…I'm permanent I assure you; and _no one_ is taking your daughter. In truth I have had this plan designed since the day you found out you were pregnant. This is a very nice community, there is train access to the city and somehow I think you will find it very enjoyable. Not to mention one of the largest magical communities in America is located just a few towns over."

"I love you…more than Draco Malfoy and almost as much as Emma." She pulled away and kissed him as it was the only way to actually show him how much he meant to her.

Blaise wrapped his arms tightly around her, "I love you too…definitely more than Malfoy and just a tiny little bit more than Emma…but only because I don't know her secrets yet." He pulled away and smiled, "Will you be all right here while I go and gather your necessities?"

"Actually will you stay…just a little while longer?" Pansy reached up to dry her tears then covered her face and sat down on the edge of the second bed and started to sob. Blaise immediately rushed to her side and held her until she calmed. They finally both fell asleep; the plan ready to commence in the morning.

*.*.*.*

_5 June 2001_

_We have been in America for exactly two months now…some little town called Naperville, in the state of Illinois. We have been staying in a quaint little hotel off an endless park that wraps around a little river. If I didn't feel like my heart was floating around my body in a million little pieces I would probably love it here._

_How ironic that the first time I should pick up my journal in all that time would be Draco's birthday. I thought I would reminisce about all of the devastating topics at once. Blaise stayed with us for the first three weeks; an extended tour of surrounding Quidditch organizations is what he called it. I could not have survived without him…story of our relationship. I tried as hard as I could to make sure Emma's transition was smooth. She of course does not understand any of this…only that she misses Riley. He was working for Lucius Malfoy and yet I find myself missing him too. Combine that with the constant ache of missing Draco and now Blaise has been gone about five weeks and I'm a falling down mess every time Emma is asleep. _

_I'm still not exactly sure what I am going to do next. I certainly can not trust anyone besides Blaise; but I can not be in London and he can not stay here so I feel very alone. I suppose I am going to have to start a life here or somewhere…it is certainly not healthy to continue raising Emma secluded in these four walls. We go outside at night mostly…she's already going to be screwed up having me for a mother so I suppose I should try and make something feel well adjusted for her. Maybe she would be better off with Draco and Astoria. They could give her everything and she's young enough still that she probably wouldn't even remember me. I know he would love her and keep her safe and the second one is not something I can assure anymore. Lucius will find us eventually…maybe that would be even better. He will be so furious that he had to track me down again that he'll probably just kill me…and then I will never know the pain of losing my daughter. It will all just finally be over._

*.*.*.*

_13 November 2001_

_New journal…because I am finally feeling ready to start talking sanely…I have at last dealt with what happened. It's been seven months since Blaise brought us to America; then three weeks later he had to go back to his life and I was forced to create yet another new one of my own. I took excellent care of Emma, but I am so worried that she will be somehow damaged by how I sometimes behaved. My heart was officially broken in all the places that Draco or Riley ever touched. Thankfully I love someone far more than either or both of them and Emma is the reason I have survived. _

_The last entry of my last journal…Draco's birthday ironically was deranged and I did not remain that mental for long. I started running out of money by the end of June and though Blaise brought a trunk full on his visit at the beginning of July I realized that it was imperative that I find some work. Working pregnant was hard…working with an infant when you do not know and refuse to trust anyone is impossible. So Blaise started sending me work that I can do remotely…paperwork mostly. Apparently he even got it approved by the Ministry so I am officially an employee with the Department of Magical Game and Sports now. How very strange my life has been._

_During Blaise's visit he also helped me find a house. I have no idea how he knows everything about everything, but he has been a great help trying to figure out how to function in America. They drive crazy here and it is not simply because they do everything backwards…they are just crazy. It still amazes me however how much I seem to enjoy the company of Muggles. It's not even a superiority thing anymore either…they are just so nonthreatening and normal. I have met several very lovely people over the last few months, but of course my guard is so high that none have been more than an acquaintance here and there. _

_There is this one girl I met…she works at the place I started going to for breakfast and tea every morning…a little place called The Window Seat. Anyway she is probably just a bit younger then me and one day I was having a really bad day and she just came over, sat down and started talking to me. She was unassuming and unexplainably comforting even though I shared very few details. Over the last month we have talked more, even met for tea in the park last week while I was taking Emma for a walk. I just wish I could slip her some Veritaserum and interrogate her. I don't know if I can handle another Lucius Malfoy infiltration into my newly built and still somewhat shaky life._

_And Emma's up…I'll return later…_

*.*.*.*

Pansy was sitting in her favorite diner across from a dark haired sprite-like girl. She glanced outside as the snow started to fall against the fading light of day then looked back to her dining companion and smiled, "You're sure that you are willing to do this?"

"Are you kidding? I'm still so excited that you're a witch too! And besides…I've got nothing to hide!" She tipped back the tumbler of clear liquid and smiled; "I know there is supposedly not one, but I love the taste of Veritas. And might I say…very nicely brewed, Ms. Parkinson."

"Thanks…I didn't brew it…I went over to St. Charles and picked it up." Pansy smiled and took a long drink of her tea. "Potions was never my strongest subject." She laughed and quickly tried to stop thinking of the good old days at Hogwarts when the most devastating things were Draco ignoring her or a bad mark in class. She was grateful for the distraction as her friend started to giggle.

"Give it just one minute and then let the interrogation begin."

Pansy paused thoughtfully then blurted suddenly, "What do you think of this sweater?" She smiled and laughed at the face the girl made in response.

"Actually, I know I told you I really liked it the last time you wore it, but it is quite possibly one of the most hideous things I've ever seen." The girl giggled, "Is that all you've got?"

"What is your name?"

"Anastasia Madison O'Neal…Madi." The girl made another disgusted face, "On second thought, that first name is certainly worth hiding from now on."

Pansy smiled, "Family name, I imagine?"

"It was my great grandmother's name. As far as we know, she has been the only other _magical_ member of the family." Madi sat back in her chair and chuckled, "Does it make it harder or easier to trust me knowing that I'm a witch?"

"Harder…because surprisingly enough, no matter how good I thought I was with magic, I always seem to be blindsided by it." Pansy's hands started shaking and she continued sadly, "And it isn't that I don't trust you Madi it's just…the last new person I let in turned out to be associated with the very thing I fear most."

"If you weren't so paranoid, Pansy, I would probably be doing the exact same thing. But we'll save my demons for another time…where would you like to go next?"

"Where are you from?"

The biggest smile that Pansy had ever seen washed across Madi's face and she nearly danced in her seat as she responded. "I was born in Ireland, just outside Dublin. There were nine of us and my parents –"

"Nine _plus_ your parents?"

"I'm Irish, Love…we're genetically designed like rabbits." Madi laughed as she continued, "We lived in this cottage that was barely big enough for three people let alone eleven, but somehow we had enough space to have the best time."

"When did you know you were a witch?" Pansy poured herself a cup of tea and sat back in her chair as Madi proceeded to detail from her first memory all the way through her training.

"I was accepted to Beauxbatons, but secretly I always wanted to go to Hogwarts. My parents were always a little worried about Dumbledore though, didn't think I would be safe there, and considering what ended up happening…maybe they were right. No offense." Madi smiled hesitantly, "Its truth serum…I can only help so much of what comes out."

Pansy smiled reassuringly, "Please do not apologize. Those last days at Hogwarts were a nightmare. Tell me what you know about that night…the night _He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named_ was defeated." Pansy was surprised by the dreamy expression that washed across her new friend's face and prayed it meant that Madi did not know about Pansy's role.

Madi leaned forward and whispered, "I was obsessed with _The Daily Prophet_ in the months that followed that night." She reached over and took Pansy's hand, "And the only things I know about your involvement that night is what I read. I do not presume to judge you, Pansy, because I was not there and from what I read in the months that followed, you were pardoned and forgiven by those you harmed. That is sufficient for me because you have been absolutely brilliant since we met. Now…what else do you want to know?"

"Tell me why you were so obsessed with going to Hogwarts…and the war of all things." Pansy laughed when Madi looked down to hide her bright red cheeks, "Well this is going to be fantastic."

Giggling and face burying tried to delay Madi's inevitable confession. Finally she leaned forward again and whispered, "I have the biggest crush on someone who went to Hogwarts."

Pansy's eyebrow arched and she smiled slyly, "Who? You are a year younger than me… and how did you even know anyone at Hogwarts?"

"I was at the Tri-Wizard Tournament. Honestly I do not remember even seeing you while I was there…I could probably not tell you about anyone other than that poor boy who was killed and my beloved." Madi closed her eyes and visibly swooned within her thoughts.

"Who is it?" Pansy leaned forward with anticipation and smiled brightly when Madi finally opened her eyes.

The fairy-like girl leaned close to Pansy and whispered, "Promise you will not judge me or decide you don't want to be friends with me when I tell you?" 

_As long as the next two words out of your mouth aren't Draco Malfoy then we will be fine. _"I promise." Pansy smiled and continued her wide eyed stare.

Madi giggled, whispered, "Harry Potter," and then buried her face in her arms on the table.

Pansy sat back and involuntarily blurted, "That is disgusting." She immediately covered her mouth and laughed when Madi looked up at her, "I'm sorry…I do not have the serum to blame, and after everything I should be happy the _chosen one_ hasn't tracked me down and killed me himself. It was a gut reaction."

"Do you hate me now?" Madi smiled as Pansy's worried expression softened. "I figure you tried to get him killed and I'm all right with it because from what I can see you've changed. I know you've got that whole Slytherin/Gryffindor thing going on, but…certainly you can admit that he's pretty bloody adorable?"

"I will admit no such thing, but I can respect your obsession. In a way I am no better… I had my own Hogwarts obsession that will haunt me forever." Pansy looked down and started pulling apart her napkin.

After a few minutes of silence Madi reached over and put her hands on Pansy's, "You have more questions to ask me. Get it all out before the serum wears off because I'm eager to prove to you that we are really friends so you can tell me what has happened that made you so sad."

Pansy already knew that she could trust Madi, but for the sake of avoiding past mistakes she asked one more question, "What do you know about the Malfoy family?"

Madi sat back and started spilling her guts, but all of her information was right out of _The Daily Prophet_. She cited facts and dates and concluded with a simple, "From everything I've read Lucius Malfoy is one scary bloke. In photos I always thought his son was pretty… sad though…just like you."

Tears fell down Pansy's face and she wiped them quickly and forced a smile, "He usually was sad…a lot like me, but he's not anymore. Congratulations Madi…you've passed Pansy's truth serum test. I can never explain exactly how important this was to me."

"Do you know why I came to talk to you that day?" Madi continued after Pansy shook her head, "Here you were…beautiful girl out on a brilliant end of summer day with her daughter; being crushed beneath the weight of what had to be the greatest tragedy. I don't know if I have ever met anyone so in need of someone to care about them; and somewhere underneath all of that despair I knew there was a bloody good time waiting to erupt." She paused and took Pansy's hands, "If you had asked the right questions tonight you would have found out I know a little bit about pain, and I will do anything I have to do to prove that you can trust me so that maybe I can help you recover. Someone did the same for me once and I promised that someday I would return the favor."

"I will warn you that I am pretty broken, but I promise not to fight your efforts." Pansy reached over and took Emma from her stroller. She rested the sleeping girl against her shoulder and rubbed her back, "I owe it to my daughter to pull myself together…so thank you for coming to talk to me that day and being a good sport about my paranoia."

"You're welcome…in return I will also ask that you not tell anyone about the Harry Potter thing because…it is a bit embarrassing." Madi blushed and covered her face again.

"No worries there…I find it equally embarrassing…your secrets are all safe with me." Pansy smiled as Emma twirled a piece of her hair and ran her little fingers over and over it.

Madi watched the precious interaction for a few minutes then leaned back in her chair, "So without any truth serum…do you want to tell me your story?"

Pansy took a deep breath which she held as she put Emma back in the stroller. When she finally looked up at Madi she exhaled, and as if enchanted she detailed every moment from her capture by vigilante groups five days after the war to the day that she decided to walk into the diner where she and her new friend met.

*.*.*.*

_September 2002 – St. Mungo's Hospital_

Pansy looked up as Blaise rushed into the waiting room; she stood and threw her arms around him as soon as he was close enough. Tears streamed down her face and she was shaking from head to toe. "Thank you for getting here so quickly."

Blaise squeezed her tight then pulled away to look at her, "How are you holding up?"

"I'm not…"

He led Pansy to a sofa and sat next to her, "What do you know?"

"Nothing…Emma was feeling sick all week, but I took her to the Muggle doctor and he said she had the flu. Then this morning her fever was so high and Madi came over and told me I should take her to St. Mungo's; so she arranged a portkey and we came right here. They immediately took Emma back and no one has been out here to speak with me since. That was hours ago and I keep asking questions, but no one seems to know…" Pansy trailed off when the double doors of the waiting room swung open. She was hopeful for only a moment then her face fell and she almost cowered, "You can not be serious."

Blaise looked away from Pansy and over to the doors, "Harry Potter is a Healer…I guess I forgot to tell you that."

"Well he is not going to be Emma's Healer. He hates me…who could blame him?" Pansy inhaled deeply as Harry continued to approach. She stood and took Blaise's hand, "Unless she's already –"

Harry stopped in front of Pansy and Blaise, "I am sorry that you have been kept waiting so long –"

Pansy tried to stop herself, but blurted her interruption, "Are you treating my daughter?"

"Yes…is that going to be a problem?" Harry smiled hesitantly and after a brief pause with no response he continued, "If you would like to have a seat we can discuss Emma's condition."

Pansy was confused and speculative, but she forced a slight smile, "Of course…let's have a seat," then squeezed Blaise's hand tightly and pulled him to follow Harry over to nearby chairs. She looked attentively at him and was amazed that he had not changed at all since the last time she had seen him; when she tried to hand him over to Voldemort. _This has to be a nightmare…just go with it and eventually you will wake up._

Harry could feel the tension as they sat and interrupted the deafening silence, "Pansy, I think it is important that I first establish with you that the past has nothing to do with our current situation. There may be a time and place that you and I find ourselves having that discussion, but I can assure you that nothing is more important to me then finding the best course of treatment for your little girl."

Tears immediately started falling down Pansy's face, "Thank you…how is she?"

"She is stable and we have been able to bring her fever down a bit. You will be able to go back and see her very soon, but I do need to ask you a few questions first. How long has she been sick?"

Pansy calmed immediately and focused on the conversation, "She woke up last week with a fever and not feeling well. I took her to the Muggle doctor where we are staying now and he said she had the flu. She started feeling better, but then this morning her fever shot back up and I brought her straight here."

Harry opened the chart on his lap and started taking notes, "Was she throwing up at all or complaining of a soar throat, ear ache?"

"No…just the fever; of course her appetite disappeared and she was very tired and weak. It is more serious than the flu isn't it?" Pansy's grip on Blaise's hand was bone crushing and she tried desperately to wake up from what she was convinced was a horrible dream.

"I'm honestly not sure at this point, but the important thing is her fever has come down and she has been asking for you constantly. I will show you both back to her room and then we will be running a multitude of tests over the next few days." Harry stood and led Pansy and Blaise back to Emma's room, "I will be in to check on all of you in a little while."

Blaise walked into Emma's room and Pansy stood just outside watching Harry walk away until finally she blurted, "Thank you…Doctor…Mr.…Potter."

Harry turned and smiled slightly, "After all that has happened Pansy I'm quite sure it is appropriate for you to just call me Harry."

Pansy smiled sadly as she turned to walk through the door then was greeted by a loud _mummy_ cry from across the room. She rushed over, sat on the bed and scooped Emma up into her arms, "How are you feeling? You look better."

"Better," Emma smiled brightly then pulled away from Pansy and crawled across the bed and into Blaise's lap, "Baze!"

He wrapped his arms around her, "Hello, trouble. You gave us a scare, but I'm glad you are feeling better."

Emma rested her head against Blaise's chest and sighed, "Better…tired…" she yawned loudly and looked over at Pansy, "Where Harry?"

Blaise chuckled at Pansy's horror filled expression and whispered, "Imagine what D-R-A-C-O would think of that one."

Pansy shot him a look then reached over to feel Emma's head, "You're still warm. You should lie back down and try and sleep a little."

"Where Harry?" Emma's voice carried through the room. She did as her mother told her, but crossed her arms obstinately over her chest as soon as she was under the covers.

"Harry is trying to find something to make you better," she leaned down and kissed the little blonde girl's head, "He'll be back soon and you can tell him you took a nap like a good girl."

Emma uncrossed her arms and smiled before finally closing her eyes and rolling over. Pansy walked to the chairs across the room and sat down next to Blaise, "Has she really, in the matter of a few hours, become attached to the man I tried to kill?"

Blaise could not help but chuckle, "First of all stop saying it that way. It's not as if you personally drew your wand and tried to murder him."

"I might as well have." Pansy ran her hands roughly through her hair then looked back at Emma, "And now he's trying to save her life."

"Add to that the fact that Potter is her father's arch nemesis and this is just dripping with irony."

"If Potter can make her well then I can deal with it. First Madi and her chosen one obsession and…" Pansy trailed off when Blaise raised his eyebrow, "Never mind…I wasn't supposed to say that so you did not hear it. Anyway…Emma is going to be all right and then we are going to go home and she'll forget all about the _chosen one_."

"Will Madi be joining you here? I can make arrangements for a suite of rooms in London –"

"I will not be leaving St. Mungo's until Emma does; and Madi is running the diner now so I told her to stay put and I would send her news as soon as I had some. I will send her an owl in a while." Pansy covered her face suddenly as tears started falling quickly, "I am so scared."

Blaise moved his chair over and put his arm around her, "I hate to admit it, but if Emma was going to see any Healer, Potter is one of the best. She is going to be fine, Pansy, I promise."

She rested her head against his shoulder and closed her eyes. _I sentenced Harry Potter to death that night and he treated my daughter so well that she has a crush on him now. How does one apologize for what I've done or appropriately say thank you for what he has done?_

*.*.*.*

_8 September 2002 _

_Dear Harry Potter,_

_This is by far the strangest correspondence I have ever drafted and yet the most important and overdue of my entire life. If I were a stronger person I would deliver this apology while looking you in the eyes, but I fear with the current circumstances I already feel as if I am reaping the consequences for my transgressions; in other words the letter will have to be sufficient._

_How one appropriately goes about apologizing for trying to kill someone I am still a bit unsure. Though it was not my hand that attempted to steal your life from you my voice, as usual, was deplorable enough and I live with the fact that there is no way to ever take that back. I can assure you that I have reflected over that moment for years now and I acted out of fear; and not a day has gone by that I have not regretted the fact that I used your life to defend my own. _

_The fact that you can even look at me speaks to your character, Harry Potter, but the care you have provided to my daughter without hesitation and with the most delicate nature is a testament to the wonderful gift you are to the magical world. If you can believe that people are capable of change please believe that I have. I am in awe of the very presence of a person as brilliant as you and could never thank you enough for all that you have done for Emma._

_There are a million thank yous and apologies that I want to convey and there are just no words to express any of it correctly. You are a marvelous human being and a magnificent chosen one and a brilliant Healer and honestly you are much more attractive then I remember. I shudder to imagine what the world would be like without you…is not that the strangest thing you could ever imagine in a letter from me?_

_Thank you for everything you are and everything you have done and everything you continue to do. _

_Sincerely,_

_Pansy Parkinson _

*.*.*.*

Pansy kept her word and did not leave St. Mungo's at all. It was day three since Emma was admitted and while the little girl slept Pansy paced wondering how the letter she had sent to Harry the night before had been received. Late morning Pansy looked up as the door to Emma's room opened and Harry walked in. She leaned down to kiss Emma's head without waking the little blonde girl then quietly crept towards the door and followed Harry into the hallway. "Good morning…"

"Good morning. How is she feeling today?"

"She seems better…"

Harry handed Pansy a cup of coffee, "And what about you…have you slept at all in the last three days?"

"A bit…I'm too worried to sleep." Pansy took a drink of her coffee and smiled, "Thank you for the boost though. Did you by any chance receive my letter?"

Harry smiled and nodded, "Last night…I was going to write back, but figured I would just reassure you in person. To be honest I have spent the last four years tirelessly putting that night at Hogwarts behind me and from the look of things you have worked just as hard to do the same. I found out about the shelters after a Polyjuiced version of _me_ rescued you; and I immediately contacted the Ministry to shut them all down. I promise you I had no idea that such places existed and though at the time you were certainly not one of my favorite people I was horrified at the deplorable things you endured at the hand of people claiming their own vengeance; definitely not mine."

Tears streamed down Pansy's face and she looked down, "How can you be so calm and forgiving about that night, Harry? Don't you want to yell at me or hit me or something?"

"There was real evil present that night; but you were loyal to Malfoy, not Voldemort. In the grand scheme of things did any of the fighting amongst houses or the Harry Potter vs. Draco Malfoy childhood war even matter? I never wanted Malfoy dead, I believe you never actually wanted me dead and I know he didn't…he had plenty of opportunity to kill me and he never really even tried. All that matters now is that we all survived, Voldemort was destroyed and it was not me alone who did that. We all have lives of our own now and you are sitting here dealing with a problem I can help you with. To turn my back on you would make that night pointless. To not find a way to co-exist would mean that everyone who died fighting for a better world did so in vain." Harry took a deep breath and smiled, "So long story short…no I do not want to hit you."

Pansy had been so consumed with the pain of losing Draco for so many years that the war and the shelter had been pushed back in her memory. The recollection of the horrors she endured during that time took her breath away a bit and she tried to mask her expression by taking a long drink of her coffee.

"I did not mean to upset you, Pansy, only to tell you that I am sorry for the things that happened to you. Lives were destroyed that night and every person there was tested, but it is over now and between you and I there are no more apologies necessary. I mean…I assume you have no master plan to kill me this time around?" Harry chuckled when Pansy's eyes widened and she started to panic, "I'm kidding."

"You are something special, Harry Potter…there is no doubt about that." She smiled then changed the subject swiftly, "You do seem a bit worried about something this morning though. I hope it's nothing bad…" _Because it is in your best interest to save all bad news for when Blaise arrives so you do not have to deal with my psychotic episode._

"Let's sit and talk for a few minutes," Harry led Pansy to a bench across from Emma's room and sat down next to her. "I spent all last night going over Emma's test results and I have found that she has a blood disorder. That is what is causing her cell counts to spike and fall, the fevers, weakness. I am having a very difficult time pinpointing the cause however and I was hoping you could provide me with some family history."

She shifted uncomfortably on the bench and looked down quickly, "Like what?"

"Have you ever had any similar illnesses or either of your parents; and what about her father? We have not even discussed him, but his family history could be vital in determining what is happening to Emma." Harry paused and saw that Pansy was visibly shaking again. He hesitantly reached over and took her hand, paused to see if she would flinch or pull it away, but when she did neither he continued, "Draco is the father, isn't he?"

Pansy looked up at Harry and her eyes answered his question. As tears rolled down her face she whispered, "He can never know. If Lucius Malfoy knows that Emma is the Malfoy heir he will take her from me, just like he did Draco, and he will give her to Astoria Greengrass. I can't allow that to happen under any circumstances." Tears flowed freely from her eyes and her thoughts ran wild. _We need you Draco…_

Harry interrupted Pansy's thoughts and the silence. "Do you ever remember Draco mentioning anything about the health of his parents, grandparents even? Also, I know that he worked a lot with potions. Is it possible you could give me any idea of potions he might have taken?"

"He took a lot of potions. We were using Polyjuice like it was water the year we lived in the woods after the war. I'm sure that's how you figured out that he was the Polyjuiced version of you at the shelter?" Pansy blushed and looked down.

"I assumed," Harry paused thoughtfully then continued, "This isn't Polyjuice if it is potion related at all. If this is not a hereditary disorder, which we should test you for immediately; then the only other explanation I can think of is a potion gone wrong. A lot of times wizards underestimate the adverse effects when using unfamiliar ingredients. If Draco took something that he was allergic to any sign of a reaction in the blood stream could be delayed, but could be something potentially passed on to a child."

Pansy's face flushed though not from worry about Draco. He was a master of potions and would never have been careless with ingredients he intended to ingest himself. Only a desperate and inexperienced wizard would be so hasty; unless of course the intention was to cause harm all along. Pansy looked up when Harry squeezed her hand and more tears started pouring from her eyes. "If it was a potion, it wasn't Draco, he's too good to make a mistake like that, but it very well could be me."

"What did you take?"

"Well I suppose there are two possibilities to choose from." Pansy stopped and took a deep breath, but her tears would not yield. She buried her face in her hands and was surprised how calming Harry's arm around her was. After a few moments of battling over what she was about to admit, Pansy looked up and spoke in nearly a whisper, "They sterilized us at the shelter…in case we could not be rehabilitated. They did not want to take the chance of pregnancies intended to populate another army of death eaters. Being that I so willingly… acted as I did the night of the battle I was part of the test batch of the potion they used. I have no idea what was in it. When Draco and I started growing close after he rescued me I worried about what would happen if he ever proposed marriage and I had to tell him I could no longer have children so I took it upon myself to put together a potion to reverse the vigilante's potion. I should have known better…ingredients were never my area of expertise." Pansy gently pulled her hand from Harry's and ran both hands over her face roughly. "So what is happening to her is my fault…" she stood and started pacing as her tears started to swallow her.

"We don't know that," Harry stood and put his hands on her arms to stop her from moving, "Can you write down what was in the potion and then we can run some blood work on you. Regardless of what caused this if I know where it started I can fix it…for both of you if you are carrying the disorder as well. And your secrets are all safe with me. I know I'm making you a lot of promises, but you are just going to have to trust me."

"I do trust you," Pansy smiled, but her tears continued to take over, "Maybe it is time to contact Draco…he has a right to know what is happening and I can't do this all by myself anymore."

Harry wrapped his arms around Pansy and gently rubbed her back, "Why don't you wait for Blaise to arrive and you two can make that determination together."

"What in the hell is going on here?"

Harry let Pansy go and they both looked to see Blaise standing behind them in the hallway. The dark haired girl ran into Blaise's arms and sobbed into his chest, "I made a really big mistake."

Blaise held tight to Pansy and looked at Harry, "Can you explain this?"

"Emma has a blood disorder. It could be hereditary, but it could also be caused by a potion that Pansy took; either one forced on her at the shelter or one she took not long after." Harry realized immediately that Blaise had no knowledge of the potions and he stood back as Pansy pulled away and looked up at her friend.

"What potions, Pans? You never said anything about –"

"Because I knew that you would be furious…about both of them. I didn't think, after everything that happened that they mattered at all. They sterilized us at the shelter…" she trailed off briefly when Blaise pulled away and she witnessed his instantaneous seething. Pansy stood quietly and watched him pace for a moment then continued, "And when I started thinking Draco might propose I didn't know how I was going to tell him so –"

Blaise stopped pacing, turned and shouted at her, "So you put yourself in danger again… for _him. _Why didn't you contact me? Why didn't you come to St. Mungo's?"

"Hi, I'm the girl that was taken to one of the death eater camps after the war because I tried to turn Harry Potter over to the dark lord. They killed my parents, beat me within inches of my life and sterilized me…I'd really like to have babies though…can you help me?" Pansy sat on the bench, leaned over and rested her face in her hands, "I didn't know what else to do, Blaise, so I improvised…like I always have."

The look of horror on Harry's face matched Blaise's like a mirror. Harry finally interrupted the silence and sat down next to Pansy, "I'm sorry that I made you relive all of this."

"You apologizing to me for anything is unheard of, Harry. I'm getting exactly what I deserve…just like everything else has been…no less than what I deserve and that's why it just keeps on coming." Pansy stood and walked down the hallway and out of sight.

The minute she reached the abandoned department store she slowed her pace to a crawl and eventually leaned up against a wall and slid to the floor. She sat for what seemed like days pondering the exact debt she would repay to karma if her daughter did not survive. The pain of being away from Emma, even just a few floors below was debilitating, but the thought that she could ever be gone from the world was worse than any anguish Pansy could possibly imagine. Maybe it was time to just get up, go back upstairs and fight with everything she had to make sure a cure was found. Maybe she was ready to stand up to the universe that seemed hell bent on torturing her and either declare war or surrender. Maybe there was no way to avoid now owning up to the truth and telling Draco about his daughter.

When Blaise finally found the dark haired girl curled up on the floor his fury had subsided and he walked over and sat down next to her. "I'm sorry that I shouted at you. I never meant to be accusatory and –"

"Why not? If either of the potions are to blame for Emma's condition then this entire thing is my fault. I chose to be in the company of those loyal to the dark lord. I stood up in the Great Hall, before everyone, and handed Harry over to Voldemort. That landed me in the shelter and got my parents killed. The other potion was never intended to hurt anyone, but I should have known that happiness was never woven into my destiny." Pansy stood and started to walk away when she felt Blaise stand behind her and grab her arm.

"I talked to Harry," Blaise stood behind Pansy and wrapped his arms around her shoulders, "He has forgiven you…when will you finally forgive yourself?"

She turned and looked up at him calmly, "Never…"

"Why?"

"Because I am still being punished; and maybe if I embrace my guilt and continue to do my penance then the universe will just stop trying to kill me," tears started falling again, but Pansy did not bother to dry them, "I can handle the repercussions, but not when they are inflicted on Emma…so maybe its time that I let her go and take all of the bad with me."

Blaise held tight to Pansy's arms as she tried to walk away, "What are you saying?"

"I am going to have the blood tests Harry wants to do; to see if I caused this and if I did then I am going to write Draco and tell him to come and collect his daughter." She felt Blaise's grip lighten and she pulled away.

He let her go, but shouted after her, "The hell you are. Harry is in contact with the Ministry right now trying to determine what potion you were given in the shelter. He is convinced that he will find a way to treat Emma and when she leaves St. Mungo's it will be with you. If your choice is to keep her away from the parent whose fault this all is then the last place you would send her is with Malfoy."

It was not the first time that Pansy had sensed more than a bit of irritation from Blaise on the topic of Draco, but it was the first occurrence where they felt on opposite sides of a battle. "Why do you hate him so much all of a sudden?"

"How can you _not_ hate him is a better question. I love him like a brother and I know that he is the love of your life without question, but how is it that you do not hate the very beating of his cowardly, deceptive heart?" Blaise knew he had crossed a line with Pansy and prepared for her lashing in return.

"To say that his heart is deceptive means you question that he loves me." The mere thought that Draco's love could have been a lie was gutting Pansy alive, but she stood her ground and waited for a response.

Blaise took a few steps forward and whispered, "If he truly loves you…if he meant everything that he said to you in the forest than why is he currently married to someone else? Harry Potter, the person you carry immeasurable guilt over _trying to kill,_ is working day and night to help you…and where is Draco?"

"Do you honestly believe if he knew what was happening that he wouldn't be right here doing everything in his power to help his daughter?" Pansy's tears dried and her body trembled with mounting rage.

"And why isn't he here, Pansy? Is it because you really don't want him in your life? Is it because you committed a treacherous crime against destiny and the universe has decreed that if you end up together you'll destroy the world? Or is it because Draco Malfoy is a coward and couldn't stand up like a man and tell his father no. Draco did what he had to in order to save his own ass just like he always does. He chose the family name over you and then gave it to someone else –"

"I left him!" Pansy cowered slightly as Blaise moved closer and his voice erupted in response before she could continue.

"On his _wedding day!_"

"I was trying to protect him!"

"AND WHEN EXACTLY HAS HE _EVER_ PROTECTED YOU?" Blaise calmed immediately and took a deep breath before he continued, "The truth is I have kept you safe from Lucius Malfoy because I wanted to…Draco didn't even try. The person you love, who supposedly loves you more than anything else in the world is the reason you ended up in that shelter in the first place. Draco is the reason you became the person you did at Hogwarts, in fact he encouraged it because you met his needs. He is the reason your instincts made you shout Harry's name that night, and he is the reason you've been walking around damaged and incomplete for the last eleven years. And for all of that, for all that I have watched you go through, I can love him like a brother and hate his bloody guts."

Pansy was frozen in front of Blaise, but managed in a whisper, "I can not hate him, Blaise…please believe me. I have tried so hard for so long and it is not possible."

Blaise moved hesitantly toward Pansy and when she did not move away he pulled her into a tight hug, "And I accepted that a long time ago no matter how much I hate it; but your daughter belongs with you and for once I am begging you to trust your instincts and not tell him."

"Can we just not talk about this anymore?" Pansy squeezed Blaise around his waist then pulled away and looked up at him, "Are you done shouting at me?" Tears started falling down her face and she buried it in Blaise's chest.

He kissed the top her head and sighed, "I'm sorry for yelling…especially right now. I just know when you start talking crazy that the only way to get your attention is to be bold. Forgive me?"

She pulled away and smiled up at him, "I think if Harry Potter can forgive me than I can let you slide." Pansy dried her eyes and held out her hand, "We should get back upstairs in case Emma is awake. I want to stop in the gift shop and buy her something before we go up."

Blaise took her hand and led her back to the hospital entrance. They stopped and bought stuffed animals and an assortment of candy then returned to Emma's room quickly. Pansy walked in and over to sit on the bed. She smiled and leaned down to kiss Emma's head, "You're awake…did you miss me?" The little girl nodded and climbed into Pansy's lap. "I brought you a present," she noticed Blaise roll his eyes when she pulled a stuffed ferret from behind her back.

Emma giggled quietly and hugged the stuffed animal tight, "Daddy!"

"That's right," Pansy laughed as tears started streaming down her face, "I'm sorry that your Daddy isn't here right now, but he loves you and I love you –"

"Love you," Emma stood on the bed and reached over to dry a tear falling down Pansy's face then suddenly looked up at the door, "Harry!"

"Munchkin…Pansy…Blaise," Harry smiled at both of them then handed Emma a sucker. He paused and chuckled at the stuffed ferret on the bed and whispered to Pansy, "Please tell me that is what received the _daddy_ reaction."

Pansy smiled, "She was starting to call Blaise daddy…I had to think of something."

Harry continued to resist laughing and instead looked down and addressed Emma, "Can you be a good girl and sit in here while your mum and I talk in the hall?"

Emma had the sucker in her mouth and nodded at Harry before sitting down on the bed and holding tight to the stuffed ferret. Pansy kissed her head then followed Harry and Blaise into the hallway. He seemed happy which eased Pansy's nerves as she waited impatiently for him to speak.

"I was able to obtain some information about the potion you were given and I believe that is our problem. To be honest, with everything that was in the test batch I'm surprised you were even able to counteract it, but I can say with absolute certainty that it was not your potion that caused this. I do want to run a series of tests on you because if you are carrying this disorder we should start you on the same treatment as Emma." Harry seemed almost excited by the idea of breaking down the mysterious blood disorder; so much so that he became distracted by his thoughts.

Pansy interrupted after a few brief moments, "And what treatment might that be?"

"I'm not sure yet, but I will not stop until I have figured it out. Now…I will send a nurse in to draw some blood –"

"Sure you don't want to stick me yourself?" Pansy looked from Harry to Blaise then blushed, "Well that certainly did not sound right." She looked down and started to giggle, "I'll be in with Emma," before either could respond she ducked from between them and rushed into Emma's room. _Did I actually just say that?_

Emma looked up and started pouting, "Where Harry?"

_Oh dear god…we can not both have a crush on him._

*.*.*.*

_14 November 2002_

_It has been one really long month at St. Mungo's, but Harry's treatment appears to be working and Emma is almost completely back to normal. Rumor has it we may be able to go home as soon as next week. We are going to have to stay in London for a bit because the treatment is intensive and wouldn't you know it I have the disorder too and Harry has insisted on immediate treatments for me as well. Have I mentioned Harry Potter is brilliant? He isolated the problem, developed a potion to counter act it and all when he should want to kill me. I would have imagined that any child sharing Malfoy and Parkinson DNA would be the worst thing for Potter, but he has been a genius, saved me and Emma and now the Malfoy/Parkinson child has a Gryffindor size crush on the chosen one. _

_Contrary to how I sound the only crush I have on Harry is the one any mother would have on the person who saved her daughter. It is strange though…we're friends…I think. Over the last several weeks another strange and surreal thing has happened in that I have also become comfortably chatty with Ginny Weasley on more than one occasion. She comes to see Harry at the hospital and one day we bumped into each other. Just like Harry she was gracious and open to the possibility that I was not a deplorable excuse for a human being anymore. This overwhelming need I have to apologize all the time is becoming somewhat embarrassing, but in the last few weeks especially I have found that our random conversations have been a comforting distraction._

_It is so difficult to not write Draco and tell him all of this. It would infuriate him and that's part of why I want to tell him, but also because I want him to know that I too was able to find a life where I was respectable and could keep the company of good and honest people like Ginny Weasley…and the chosen one for goodness sakes. I get caught up in the memory of Blaise yelling at me downstairs in Purge and Dowse and I find there are parts I agree with. Not that I blame Draco for what happened at Hogwarts. I chose to make him my sole purpose for existing and I continue to take responsibility for all of my actions. Still I guess I can not help but wonder how different things could have been. I knew who Draco was before we arrived; and my parents set me up to hunt him down the minute I stepped onto Platform 9 ¾. Not that I doubt my legitimate placement in Slytherin, but I always felt I willed it to be so. I pursued him relentlessly and I did finally catch him…but I wonder how different things might have been if he was nothing more than a troublemaker from another house that I had never given much thought to at all. Can't go back…only forward._

_Harry gave me and Blaise two tickets to a benefit for St. Mungo's on Friday. It's a formal event and Blaise even offered to buy me a new dress, but I could never leave Emma alone that long and_

Pansy looked up from the chair in Emma's room and squealed. She woke Emma who immediately sat up and squealed too, "Madi!"

"What are you doing here?" Pansy got up and pulled the dark haired girl into a tight hug.

"I couldn't stand it anymore so I hired and trained someone to watch the diner and grabbed a port key," Madi moved over to the bed where Emma was bouncing up and down and scooped her up into a hug, "And I missed the munchkin!" Emma giggled as Madi hugged and tickled her until they were interrupted by a new voice in the room.

"Looks like Emma has a new friend."

Pansy giggled as Madi turned around and every bit of color rushed from her face. "Harry Potter, may I introduce you to my good friend Madison O'Neal. Madi…why don't you put my daughter down and come meet Harry Potter?"

Emma squeezed her arms around Madi's neck and interrupted her daze when she shouted, "Harry!"

Madi smiled and handed Emma to Pansy then turned and extended her trembling hand, "It is a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Potter."

He shook her hand, obviously not unaccustomed to such an awestruck reaction, "It is very nice to meet you, Madi…and please call me Harry."

For a moment Pansy feared that Madi might pass out. The fairy like girl looked down at her hand still frantically shaking Harry's and she pulled her hand away swiftly, "I'm sorry…I'm not normally…"

"A lunatic? Don't let her fool you…she is always like this." Pansy smiled at the glaring look that Madi shot her. "That's why she is one of my best friends."

"You were at the Tri-Wizard tournament weren't you? Beauxbatons, yeah?" Harry smiled when Madi mindlessly nodded and looked quickly at Pansy, "Is she all right?"

"Madi!"

The dark haired girl looked first at Harry then over to Pansy, "Can I apparate from St. Mungo's?" When Pansy shook her head Madi looked back at Harry, "Please excuse me, its just…do you actually remember me from the Tri-Wizard tournament or did she tell you to say that?"

"No, I remembered all on my own…in fact I had considered asking you to the Yule Ball until I found out you were going with one of the brute squad from Durmstrang." Harry watched Madi's face grow even paler and he grabbed her arm, "Why don't you sit down."

Madi sat in a chair and sighed, "Damn…"

"I loved the Yule Ball," Pansy smiled and danced with Emma back to the bed. When she put her down the memories of dancing with Draco flooded her mind and she quickly changed the subject and looked at Madi, "You should be Blaise's date for the St. Mungo's benefit…see that, problem solved!"

"What benefit?" Madi turned around swiftly and looked at Pansy, "You're going, whatever it is. You look like you could use a break…a nice night out. And let me guess…you have been using Emma as your excuse to avoid having fun…well too bad…I'm here now."

Harry smiled at the terrified look on Pansy's face, "Shall I tell Blaise you will be requiring a new dress after all then? I'm sure Ginny will be over by the end of the day pulling you off to go shopping."

Pansy rolled her eyes and sighed, "Fine…but I'm not sure that something like this is the best place for me to make my re-entry into magical society. It's a benefit which means a bunch of rich people. What if –"

"Senior and Junior have both replied with regrets. I would never have put you in that position," Harry smiled victoriously, "Any other excuses you would like to try?"

The door opened and interrupted Pansy's response. Blaise walked in and immediately over to hug Madi when he saw her, "You made it!"

"I did…thank you for contacting me. I could not wait to get here and spend a night with the munchkin so her mum can go out and let loose." Madi smiled over at Pansy, "You never said little white lies for your own good were disallowed."

Harry chuckled and spoke before Pansy could, "Then it's settled. I'll have Ginny contact you about shopping. Well done on your planning, Blaise. Madi, it was a pleasure to meet you and I'm sure we'll see each other again. Oh, and the best news, which is why I stopped in…Emma will be going home the day after the benefit."

"There is a loft rented for you and Emma in London, protected by the Fidelius Charm so no one can find you." Blaise walked over and sat on the bed next to Pansy and Emma, "And you can stay there as long as you like…of course I hope that you will stay permanently even though I have no idea where the place is."

Pansy looked at him confused for a moment then blurted, "Who is the secret keeper then?"

"I know you hate putting me in a position to keep secrets from D-R-A-C-O…so the secret lies with the only other person in this room Snape trained in Occlumency; and who would die before giving up any information to a _Malfoy_." Blaise looked over to Harry who smiled hesitantly.

"Unless you would be more comfortable with someone else; I will not be offended, I promise." Harry watched Pansy for a reaction and was unhappy to see tears start falling from her eyes. "Blaise can rent something and –"

"No, I'm quite pleased that you have agreed to do this for us. I'm crying because it is overwhelming to me that all of you have done so much for us." Pansy pulled Emma close to her and kissed her head, "Thank you…all of you for everything."

The moment was priceless and Pansy scanned the smiling faces around her once more. Harry eventually took his leave and the minute the door shut behind him Madi blurted, "He was going to ask me to the Yule Ball?" She slumped in the chair and slammed her head back, "He's so bloody beautiful in person I can hardly stand it."

"This is disgusting," Blaise cringed, but laughed quickly when Pansy and Madi both shot him a dirty look, "I'm sorry…he's a decent bloke and bloody brilliant Healer, but…"

"Harry!" Emma squealed and buried her face in Pansy's chest.

Blaise rolled his eyes and started towards the door, "I need some air."

Once it was just the girls Pansy and Madi talked for hours about Harry and the benefit and about the miracle of Emma finally being released from the hospital good as new.

*.*.*.*

Ginny arrived later that day to go shopping with Pansy and found the perfect dress for the benefit in the first shop they visited. The day of the actual event Madi helped Pansy with hair, make-up, and all other appropriate primping and at six sharp Blaise opened the door to Emma's hospital room. His arms were overflowing with flowers as he looked over at Pansy wearing a floor length hunter green gown; her hair was up in cascading curls that fell down her exposed back. "Wow…you are breathtaking."

"Thank you," she blushed and walked over to sit with Emma on the bed, "Are you going to be a good girl for Madi?"

"Yes!" Emma smiled up at Pansy then yawned loudly, "Tired."

Pansy hugged her tight and gave her a kiss, "I'll be back in a few hours all right?"

The little blonde girl nodded then lay back against the pillows and squeezed her stuffed ferret. Pansy tried to ignore the twinge that came every time she saw Emma's stuffed animal and turned to Madi, "If you need anything the nursing staff can reach us at the benefit. They know to alert Harry immediately if there are any problems."

"Everything is going to be perfect, Pans. Emma is going to sleep; I'm going to read the new book I brought with me…it's about vampires and it sounded cute…not like real vampires. Anyway…you and Blaise go and have a spectacular time." Madi hugged Pansy and sat down in the chair next to Emma's bed, "Go… you are guests of the chosen one…don't be late…and you look beautiful…both of you." She smiled then opened her book and started reading.

Blaise extended his arm, "It would be my honor to escort you now."

She wrapped her arm in his and smiled, "Why do I get the feeling this is a date?"

"I'm not trying to make a move on you, Pans. I gave up that hope years ago." Blaise smiled and led Pansy from the room and as soon as they were able they apparated to the benefit.

After about an hour of mingling, and having many pleasant conversations much to Pansy's surprise, the couple finally sat down to have a drink. Pansy looked around at all of the people in their fancy dresses; occasionally catching sight of Harry and Ginny mingling and marveling at how much had changed in barely two months. She finally looked over and noticed that Blaise was practically staring across the room; turning, but unable to determine his target she laughed, "Who or what has you so captivated?"

"No one…" Blaise turned and smirked, "Nothing…there was a girl over there I thought I might want to dance with, but she appears to be taken."

Pansy turned again and looked around for someone of Blaise's type, "Well, you should find someone else because I know you want to dance at this thing." Suddenly Pansy gasped and turned around to look at Blaise, "Ginny Weasley is the Quidditch player isn't she?"

"What are you talking about?"

"The Quidditch player…the only girl you had noticed in months. You have been giving me a hard time about your delusions that I have a crush on Harry Potter because you have been secretly lusting after his fiancé this entire time." Pansy laughed when Blaise rolled his eyes and attempted to appear more annoyed than defensive about her accusations.

He leaned forward and whispered, "I would never date a _Weasley,_ Pans…things have changed, but that has not."

"Its all right, Blaise…your secret is safe with me." She laughed as he looked away, "Well go find someone else then. I know you're dying to get away from me right now."

He stood and kissed her head, "Are you sure you don't mind?" Blaise looked down at Pansy and smiled.

She rolled her eyes and waved him off, "Go…dance with whoever you want to. You should have come to this thing alone anyway." She smiled as Blaise blew her a kiss and rushed off. There were numerous couples dancing around on the wooden floor before her when suddenly a familiar smile came into her line of view and was approaching.

Harry stopped in front of Pansy and extended his hand, "May I have this dance?"

She laughed and her eyebrow arched inquisitively, "Wouldn't it destroy your image if you were seen dancing with the evil troll who tried to hand you over to –"

He interrupted her by grabbing her hand and pulling her up from the chair, "I'm the Chosen One, Pansy…charity is part of the job." He smiled as her expression appeared offended; still he pulled her to the dance floor, "Think of what this does for _your_ image."

"I can hear the whispers as we speak." Pansy smiled as Harry put his hand on her waist and took her right hand. She placed her left hand carefully on his shoulder and allowed him to begin leading her around the floor in rhythm with the music. After a few awkward moments she laughed quietly, "You've improved."

Harry chuckled and his cheeks rushed crimson, "I'm sorry, I do not recall every having the pleasure of sharing a dance with you, Ms. Parkinson."

"See and I thought most of what we did in those days was all a dance. I was referring, however, to your less than graceful performance at the Yule Ball." Pansy giggled when Harry rolled his eyes, "I realize that was a long time ago, but it was quite funny to behold."

"Speaking of the Yule Ball; was Madi ok?" Harry spun Pansy out then back into formation, "It's been a long time since anyone has had that reaction to me; it was endearing."

"She's got a pint size crush on you actually, but then I suppose you are still very used to that." Pansy blushed and looked down quickly before making eye contact again and smiling, "You've certainly stolen my daughter's heart. She talks about you incessantly."

Harry chuckled then spun Pansy again, "I'm sure that must be delightful for you."

"I manage," she smiled and suddenly felt more alive and peaceful than she could remember, "There are never enough words to thank you for everything, Harry; for all that you have done for Emma, for your forgiveness and your compassion. I would have never in a million years imagined it possible, but I find your friendship has become one of the most surprising blessings."

"You are a good person, Pansy, and you are surrounded by people now who will continue to encourage you to believe that. I am happy to have been able to help Emma and look forward to watching you build a life for the two of you." Harry was suddenly distracted and started to laugh, "I hope Blaise doesn't mind, but it looks like Ginny just demanded a dance."

Pansy whirled around and started to laugh, "I think he'll survive." She paused and looked around the room for reactions, and noticed a few whispers and surprised glances; "We will certainly all be the talk of this benefit."

"It's about time we shook these things up a bit; they are normally all stuffy and nothing exciting ever happens." Harry continued to lead Pansy around the dance floor and after a few dances they decided to cut in on Ginny and Blaise.

Pansy smiled as Blaise refused to look at her while pulling her into formation and beginning their dance. After a few silent moments she giggled, "Did you have fun?" 

"She asked me to dance; I could hardly refuse," he glared at the dark haired girl, but eventually allowed a smiled, "If you tell anyone about this my retaliation will not be pleasant."

"Your secrets are all safe with me, Blaise," she moved closer and rested her cheek against his, "Thank you for making me come tonight."

"Thank you for agreeing to accompany me; you are by far the most beautiful woman in this room," he smiled as if he knew she was rolling her eyes, "Say thank you."

"Thank you."

After a few more dances Blaise excused himself and Pansy found herself sitting at the table with Ginny talking about all of the unattractive ensembles in the room.

*.*.*.*

Blaise escorted Pansy back to St. Mungo's in the wee hours of morning. They went in to check on Emma and when they found both her and Madi sound asleep in the bed they crept back out and went to sit in a waiting room down the hall. Pansy had noticed as the night was drawing to a close that Blaise's mood had changed and finally decided to confront him. "So what happened this evening that has you so ruffled?"

He sat down next to her and smiled, "Tomorrow…it can wait for then."

"It is tomorrow…and I certainly will not be able to rest until I know, so…out with it." She smiled and masked her immediate worry that Blaise was about to deliver more bad news.

There was a long pause and he finally looked up at her, "Draco was at the benefit."

Pansy felt her breathing catch, but responded with a forced calm, "No, he wasn't…I was all over that ball room, I would have seen him."

"I'm quite certain he had not been there long and retreated when he saw you dancing with Potter." Blaise took her hands and waited for her to start crying, but was surprised that she remained completely collected.

"Well, I would like to say this isn't the first thing that comes to mind, but good. I can not imagine anyone else who could have come close to evening the scorecard against witnessing his wedding." Pansy squeezed Blaise's hand and sighed, "I'm sure he was furious. I'm surprised he did not confront me right there."

Blaise appeared uncomfortable with the conversation and responded hesitantly, "When I came upon him, he had just been involved in an argument with Astoria. You are probably going to be upset with me, but I asked him if he wanted me to go and bring you to him." He looked up at waited for a lashing, but continued when Pansy just smiled sadly, "He declined due to his inability to handle it if you said no and told me to tell you that he respects your choices and your freedom."

"I am not mad at you," she squeezed his hand and fought back the tears she felt building in her eyes, "But it's for the best because I would have said no. It takes everything I have every day not to contact him. I can not see him because I would have no choice but to confess everything and that will not help anyone." The tears she resisted finally fell and she pulled her hand from Blaise's and wiped her face, "Thank you for telling me…and for waiting to tell me until we left the benefit."

He pulled her into a tight hug and whispered, "I did not want to ruin your evening. I'm sorry that I could not hide this until the morning." Blaise pulled away and dried her eyes, "Not to mention I probably vanquished all of the warm champagne feelings you had."

"Actually, I'm still feeling a little tipsy," she giggled and took a deep breath, "Its probably good Emma is asleep…of course now you're stuck here to keep me distracted. Unless of course you made arrangements to meet up with one of the many beautiful women you danced with tonight because I would never dream of denying you that incredible feeling of an unexpected and perfect first kiss." She giggled again and looked to Blaise for a reaction.

"The _incredible feeling of an unexpected and perfect first kiss_…you would never deny me that, eh?" Blaise smiled at Pansy's continued giggling then suddenly reached around to the back of her neck and pulled her into a long kiss; which Pansy did not resist.

*.*.*.*

_18 November 2002_

_So much to say and it has only been two days. Emma was released from the hospital yesterday and she has all of her spunk back! The benefit was amazing and I had so much more fun than I ever expected. I danced with Harry, figured out that the Quidditch player Blaise has been eyeing all this time is Ginny, and apparently Draco witnessed the entire thing and I didn't even know he was there. I can go through all of the emotions associated with Draco later…too many other things have happened and if I get started on Draco I'll start crying. _

_First matter to preserve for posterity…Blaise Zabini is a damn good kisser. It just happened… when we got back from the benefit. He grabbed me and I swear I felt it in my toes. The whole experience was pretty intense and I'm not going to lie, I really liked it. We stopped before things could get out of control; partly because we were in a waiting room at St. Mungo's and partly because it would have destroyed everything between us. The next day conversation was awkward at first, but by the end we were exchanging compliments. Strange, but I'm really glad it happened!_

_I would like to preface this next part by saying that I am not making any of it up…I promise. Emma and I spent yesterday at the Weasley's house. Let me tell you that Ron Weasley was having absolutely no part of this at first but Mr. and Mrs. Weasley and Ginny were warm and welcoming. Granger was hesitant, but she even came around pretty quickly. I'm sure they just feel sorry for me considering everything that has happened since the war. Still the fact that Harry is able to stand the sight of me is remarkable enough…sharing a meal with the Weasleys was surreal. _

_We had an amazing day…in fact being back in London has been incredible all the way around. I love being able to see Blaise again whenever I want and surprisingly enough a lot of the bad memories from the last time I tried to have a life here have faded quickly. Madi is leaving tomorrow and I will miss her like crazy, but Emma loves London too and she has become so attached to everyone. I want her to have as many people as possible around giving her love every single minute. It is the least I can do for denying her Draco. Not a moment passes in the day that I do not wish I could just tell him. But it's too great a risk._

_I think that it is important for us to stay close to St. Mungo's anyway. Even though Emma is much better Harry still seems concerned and while he is worried I want to make sure we are close by. The munchkin has all her sparkle back and has been running around like a mental patient since yesterday morning. She was definitely the key to loosening up Ron. The funniest thing is I think Emma has a crush on Ron and Harry. Sadistically I would love to share that fact with Draco as well._

_Realizing of course that I said I was not going to speak about this I can not help but wonder what happened with Draco in the aftermath of the benefit. I know I said that it evened the score, but that was never my intention. I suppose I have stayed away all this time to spare him, as much as myself, the pain of being in the same room together, but unable to be together. I lied last night when I said I wouldn't have talked to him. If Blaise had told me that Draco was in the corridor waiting for me I would have run to him in a heartbeat and told him everything. I know it is best that did not happen._

_We are hidden in London so I can stay hidden from Draco. I am thinking that Emma and I will stay at least through Christmas and see what happens after the New Year. Blaise will continue sending me work and I will actually be able to do more because I will be local. As long as I stay out of the Ministry, away from my old places in London, and limit my magic I should be able to fly under the radar until I figure out what we are going to do next._

*.*.*.*

The holidays were brilliant for Pansy and Emma and both adjusted quickly to life in London. February brought Emma's second birthday celebration and the little blonde girl was showered with gifts from all of the new people in her life that loved and adored her. Madi visited whenever she could and by the end of winter Pansy was trying to convince her friend to relocate across the pond. In the months that had followed the St. Mungo's benefit, Pansy had worked hard to embrace the freedom that Draco had conveyed to her through Blaise and most days she was too distracted by work or Emma's energy to pay much attention to the hole in her heart.

When the weather started changing again and the warm breezes started blowing around London, Emma caught a cold. Pansy of course was frantic every time the little girl sniffled and rushed her right over to St. Mungo's to see Harry. After hours of tests and Emma's condition rapidly deteriorating, Harry finally came into the room and sat down in a chair across from Pansy.

"The treatment has stopped working. Every month her blood counts have been improving, but for whatever reason the progress is being reversed. I have enlisted the help of a colleague because I do not want to take any chances…" Harry reached over and took Pansy's hand, "I promised you that I would not rest until Emma was a healthy little girl. I swear to you that I will find a better solution, Pansy."

She reached up with her free hand and dried her eyes, "I know that…I just don't understand why things can only be happy for so long and then we find ourselves right back at the beginning of another test."

"Is Blaise on his way?"

"Blaise is in Ireland for a Quidditch conference," she ran her fingers through her hair and looked over at Emma quickly before returning to the sadness in Harry's eyes, "We'll be all right here. I don't want to worry him and he'll be home in a few days so…just let me know as soon as you find out anything….good or…" Pansy's tears increased and she could not choke out her last word so she stood and rushed from Emma's room.

Harry followed quickly after Pansy and found her facing the wall sobbing. He stepped behind her and turned her around; she buried her face in his shoulder and he held her tightly against him until she stopped crying.

Once Pansy had calmed she returned to Emma's bed side; she watched her sleep for hours then suddenly pulled a piece of parchment and a quill from her bag and started writing frantically.

_26 February 2003_

_Draco,_

_I have no idea how this correspondence will be received by you, but I hope you continue reading. There is something selfish, almost cruel about me contacting you at all, but I need you. You promised that you would always be here for me and I need you now more than ever._

_I am in London and await your return._

_Pansy_

*.*.*.*

Pansy sent the owl to Draco; and weeks later there was still no response. She had little time to focus on the pain of his refusal to help her however as she spent every minute with Emma at St. Mungo's. By the first of March, Harry had finally come up with a successful treatment and Emma once again started making a recovery. As the little girl continued showing improvement Pansy's focus started shifting and the idea that when she needed Draco he did not come began sinking in. The realization that enough distance had developed between them, that he was capable of resisting her even in a time of need was devastating. She decided that once Emma was released they would go back to America; and she could not be released soon enough.

Weeks in St. Mungo's took its toll on Pansy and she was anxious and exhausted most of the time. Blaise, Harry and Ginny constantly offered to stay with Emma so that Pansy could at least take a walk or go home and change her clothes, but the mother refused to leave her daughter's side. Finally, Blaise descended on Pansy and made her leave for no less than thirty minutes at least every day. She protested, but eventually conceded. Each day she would wait for Emma to fall asleep, lean over and kiss her head then whisper, "I love you," before walking out of the room.

By day three of the required break Pansy realized that the time was more of a punishment than a relief. At least when she was doting on Emma she was distracted from the fear and anguish that otherwise filled her mind. After twenty minutes of sitting outside the abandoned department store watching the Muggles pass and thinking of Draco, Pansy walked mindlessly back inside and started her sluggish ascent through the hospital corridors. As she navigated the familiar path back to Emma's room Pansy battled over contacting Draco again and this time just telling him everything right in the letter. Emma was hopefully going to be released soon and Pansy started rationalizing that at that time maybe she should go home and face her demons. She ran her fingers through her hair and sighed as she rounded the corner and found Blaise outside Emma's door speaking with a Healer. The expression on her best friend's face was enough to tell her something was very wrong and her pace turned to a sprint down the seemingly endless hallway.

"What has happened? Is Emma all right?" Pansy reached for the doorknob, but suddenly felt herself being guided backwards and instinctively she pulled away. She started for the door again and when Blaise grabbed her arms more forcefully she turned and hissed, "What is wrong with you? I want to see my daughter –"

"Pans…I am so sorry…it was so…sudden and there was nothing that the Healers could do. Harry had not even arrived and…" He softened his hold on her arms, "Pans, I am so –"

"You told me it was all right to leave. You told me that everything would be fine and I needed to go and get some fresh air; that I could run out and come back and everything would be fine and…what are you telling me, Blaise?" Pansy pulled away and stood like a statue in front of him awaiting his response. Her mind started travelling down a path of the worst possible way he could respond to her question, but she refused to believe that even the universe could be so cruel.

Tears rolled down Blaise's face and he moved closer and tried to pull her to him, "I'm sorry, Pansy, but she is gone."

"What do you mean…_gone_? I was away for less than thirty minutes, Blaise, what do you mean _gone?_" Pansy's tone was a mixture of fury and delusion; she felt her legs faltering beneath her and reached out for Blaise's arms. "I want to see her! There must be something they can do…where is Harry –"

"Sweetheart, I am so sorry, but you know that there is no power in the magical world that can bring anyone back from the dead, it's just not possible –"

"NOT POSSIBLE?" Pansy pulled away from Blaise's tight hold and continued screaming at him, "_THIS_ IS NOT POSSIBLE! I LOST MY FAMILY! I LOST DRACO! SHE WAS ALL I HAD…" She finally paused and gasped for a deep breath and as her tears unleashed she collapsed to her knees, "She was the only thing I had left of him, Blaise. She loved me, completely and unfailingly…she was mine and I was hers. I was supposed to protect her and I wasn't even…here…" In a wave of anger Pansy pulled at her hair and released a scream that quickly turned into uncontrollable sobs.

Blaise held tight to Pansy, knowing there was no way to console her, but refusing to let her go. After nearly an hour on the floor of the hallway outside Emma's room Pansy had finally calmed. She looked up at Blaise and took a deep breath, "May I see her now?"

"Of course," he stood and helped her up. He did not let go of her as they walked to the door and into the room where the little girl lay completely still on the bed. Pansy immediately pulled free from Blaise and her hysterics returned.

He stood back as Pansy sat on the bed and pulled the lifeless little girl into her arms. Pansy rocked Emma for hours before looking up at Blaise and whispering, "I did this to her, you know. This is entirely my fault." Blaise started to respond, but Pansy interrupted, "Can you leave us alone…please…for a little while."

"I'll be right outside." He paused for a long time and watched Pansy unravel. There was no way to help her so he did what she asked and left the room.

*.*.*.*

The sun rose on the next day before anyone dared to enter Emma's room. When Harry finally walked in he found Pansy sitting in the same position she was the day before; on the bed, holding Emma and whispering to her. He approached slowly and sat next to them, "Pansy… would you like to discuss arrangements now?"

She looked up at him as if she was confused by the question and responded mindlessly, "For what?"

Harry paused and examined the anguish on her face; he fought back his own tears as he responded quietly, "Arrangements for Emma."

Pansy continued to stroke the little girl's hair as she looked back at Harry, "You can't take her, Harry. I can't let you take her. I realize that you owe me nothing; that I have been the recipient of your compassion and your tolerance because you took an oath and because you really are the wonderful person everyone said you were but…please don't take her from me, Harry…please don't make me let her go because I _can't_ let her go."

"I would move heaven and earth if I could bring her back to you, Pansy, but…" Harry trailed off and moved closer to her on the bed, "I am so very sorry that I can do no more now than I was able to do yesterday and –"

"Don't…" Pansy looked up and watched the tears falling down Harry's face, "Please do not apologize, Harry, because I know that you did everything that you could for Emma." She paused and took a deep breath, "And I know that arrangements must be made…when will they…take her?"

"There are mediwitchs outside whenever you are ready." Harry's voice was quiet and on the verge of cracking.

"Will you stay with me?"

Harry stood and kissed the top of Pansy's head, "Of course. I will go and tell the nurses and then I will be right back."

When the door shut Pansy kissed Emma's cold forehead, unable to even feel the tears rolling down her face, she spoke softly, "I was thinking about that really pretty dress that Mrs. Weasley made you for spring…that you haven't worn yet because we were saving it for when your Daddy came…because I promise I was finally ready to tell him everything…" she put her head back on the pillow and willed herself to either keep it together or to simply suffocate under the weight of the worst pain she had ever felt. After a few quiet minutes, knowing she was running out of time she continued, "I think that I will have Blaise bring that dress for you then…and the green bows for your hair. And since I know that if you would have had any other mother in the world, thereby having a chance at the brilliant life I know you would have led, that you would have been in Slytherin, so I want you to have my pendant. I'm sorry that I was your mother, Emma…and I'm sorry that I couldn't do better and that I made it impossible for you to have a stable family…that you never knew how incredible your father was or how much he would have loved and spoiled you every minute of every day. I'm sorry that I wasn't here when you needed me most, but I pray you knew how much I love you and how much you changed my entire world…"

Harry opened the door and peaked inside, "Do you want more time?"

"I want another fifty years with her at least, Harry…" she trailed off and tried to move her arms to let Emma go and stand, but she was paralyzed. There was no way she would survive the next minute let alone the days to come and when the door opened again and two nurses walked inside tears flooded down Pansy's face. She pulled Emma close to her and hugged her tight; eventually she whispered, "I hope to see you again very soon, my love," then placed the little girl gently against the pillows.

When Pansy finally stood from the bed Harry was right there to support her. She was shaking violently which caused a sharp ache to resonate throughout her entire body; and she wished to just pass out because there was no way to brace herself for the minute that Emma was finally taken from her. As the nurses gently moved the little girl from the bed Pansy broke free from Harry's supportive arms around her. She was unsure why she moved, where she intended to go, how she could escape the feeling that she was finally dying inside. As they started to pull a blanket over Emma, Pansy turned to look at Harry, "I need you to take me out of here, please…now…please…"

He wrapped his arms around her and led her out the door, but they made it no further than the bench outside when Pansy's pulled away from Harry abruptly, blurted that she was about to be sick, and took off in a sprint down the corridor. When she finally emerged, calmer but eerily so, Blaise was waiting for her just outside the door. The minute her eyes met his and saw the tears rolling down his cheeks her own tears returned. She walked quietly over to him and wrapped her arms around his waist so tightly she could barely feel them, "I want to die, Blaise. I can not do this; I feel irrational and evil and rebellious and empty and I just want to die."

"Don't say that –"

She pulled away and looked at him; her voice quiet and calm, "I'm already dead inside…so what then is the point?" Pansy's looked up at Blaise and searched his eyes for answers or comfort, and she had never seen his face so worn with despair or sadness. Watching Blaise lose Emma was more than she could bear so she returned her arms to his waist and her head to his chest.

There were no words to comfort Pansy and no way to imagine that the pain of losing Emma would ever fade. Blaise held her for a long time and when she pulled away again he reached down and wiped the still falling tears from her face, "I have no idea what to say to you, but I want you to know that I will never forgive myself for telling you to leave…"

Pansy looked up when Blaise trailed off, "This is not your fault, Love… everything you do is because you love us…more than anyone else in the world, I imagine. You were with her…and whether or not we trained her to call any ferret she saw _daddy_ I hope you know that you filled that role for her…better than anyone else could have. You really have been the only stable thing in my life, Blaise, and I know that I say thank you, but I hope that you truly understand how much your protection and loyalty and companionship have changed my life. If anyone feels this loss with me it is you."

He pulled her into a tight hug and his tears turned to sobs and whispered apologies. Eventually Blaise led Pansy back to Emma's room to rest while they waited for Harry; but when she walked over to the bed and picked up Emma's stuffed animal the whirlwind of emotions resurfaced for both of them and continued into the days to come.

*.*.*.*

Emma was buried two days later in a small cemetery in America where she and Pansy had lived. Harry had made contact with Madi and coordinated all of the details and as requested by Pansy, Emma wore the green and white floral print dress Mrs. Weasley had made, her hair was tied in her favorite green bows, Pansy's Slytherin pendant was around her neck and the infamous stuffed ferret was sitting beside her. Pansy chose not to see Emma again after the day she was taken from her room at St. Mungo's, but Blaise assured her that every instruction was followed. Pansy was warmed by the idea that not only had Harry and Ginny made the trip, but all of the Weasleys, including Hermione were also in attendance. After a brief ceremony that Harry conducted everyone paid their silent respects and left Pansy and Blaise looking down at the small headstone; _Emma Rose Parkinson, Our magical daughter, February 8, 2001 – March 16, 2003._

Blaise searched for Pansy's hand and squeezed it tight, "I have absolutely no idea how, but we are going to get through this."

"I know…" she closed her eyes and felt tears start to fall again, but paid them no attention. "It will be tricky though because I don't know about you, but I just want to go with her. She was the very best of me, of all of us actually…and now she's gone…so where does that really leave us?"

"Together," he paused to wipe the tears streaming down Pansy's face then continued quietly, "You have lost so much, but you still have me, and I will be whatever you need me to be in order to get you through this."

Pansy stared into his dark pained eyes for a long time then brushed her hand gently down the side of his face, "Why couldn't I have just fallen in love with you instead?"

"I ask myself that question every day," he smiled sadly and kissed her head, "You love me now and that is enough; and the small part of your heart I hold will be working hard to help the rest heal."

She took his hands and kissed them, "I love you."

"I love you too." He pulled her into a tight embrace and after a few more minutes of goodbyes they joined everyone at Madi's diner for a small reception.

*.*.*.*

_Pansy tried to hold protectively onto Emma, but the little blonde haired girl pulled her hand free and took off running._

"_Daddy!" Emma threw herself into Draco's arms and held his face in between her hands, "Love you."_

_Draco hugged her as tight as he could; the biggest smile beamed on his face, "I love you too, Princess. Did you and your mum have a good day today?"_

_Pansy approached with a huge smile of her own, "We had a brilliant time, but she really missed her daddy."_

_Suddenly Draco looked up at Pansy and started to back away. His expression was cold and his tone angry, "Then why did you keep her from me?"_

Pansy willed herself to wake from the nightmare and finally sat up in bed. Tears started falling immediately and she wrapped her arms around herself tightly; the realization that her baby was gone filtering back into her mind. She lay back down and curled up, gripping tight to Emma's blanket. She cried herself to sleep and the nightmare started all over again.

*.*.*.*

Blaise stayed with Pansy in America for a week following Emma's burial. Most times Pansy could be found sitting beside Emma's fresh grave talking to her for hours and hours about anything that came to mind. At the end of the week Blaise and Pansy took a port key back to London and Madi promised to follow for a visit as soon as she could. She also promised to make a daily trip to visit Emma in Pansy's absence.

Pansy was consumed by weight of her loss the minute they arrived back in London and for the first five days she refused to get out of bed; the first three of these days Blaise stayed with her around the clock. As days turned into a week Blaise started trying to encourage Pansy to at least eat, but she could not have even if she wanted to. Not since her last few days in the vigilante shelter had she felt anything that resembled the helplessness crushing her with every attempted movement. There was no end in sight, no light at the end of the tunnel, and even her dreams were plagued with endless punishments; still sleeping and crying remained the extent of her motivation.

By the end of the third week Pansy's anguish took the form of agitation and she dreaded the sound of her door opening and Blaise encouraging her to do yet another thing she could not do, such as eat, move or think about going outside. When she heard the door open behind her she closed her eyes hoping that he would think she was asleep and go away, but a new voice filled the room.

"Pansy…are you awake?"

The dark haired girl sat up quickly at the sound of the familiar voice, "Ginny? What are you doing here?"

The redhead walked over and sat on the bed next to Pansy, "Harry and I are worried about you…and my mum cooked a bunch of food for you and Blaise so I brought that with me too. Harry is in the living room…he fears that you have come to the conclusion that he is to blame and –"

"Not at all!" Pansy ran her fingers through her hair and winced at the pain moving caused, "I know that Harry did everything he could." She stood from the bed and put on a robe, "I will go out there; ease Harry's fears and make Blaise happy because he has been trying to get me out of bed for weeks now."

Ginny smiled sadly and pulled Pansy into a hug, "I wish there was something I could do for you."

Tears fell down Pansy's face, but she was accustomed to it and did not bother to dry them. She held tight to her good yet unexpected friend, "You've done more for me than you know, Ginny…and something tells me I will need your help again in the near future." Pansy pulled away and smiled, "Now…let's go make the boys feel better."

Blaise and Harry were on their feet ready to assist the minute Pansy came into sight and she chuckled at the attention as she sat down on the sofa. Harry slid an ottoman over for her feet and Blaise was present with a cup of tea before she was even adjusted in her seat, "Should I be worried that something else has gone wrong or are you all afraid I'm ready to snap? I assure you I have already snapped and believe this is the worst of it so…at ease."

Harry sat with Ginny on the overstuffed love seat across from Pansy and Blaise sat down next to her. He put his arm gently around her and kissed the side of her head, "Just happy to see you up and about, Love. I've been really worried."

"And we've been really worried as well…thought maybe we could encourage you to come and have dinner with us this evening." Harry smiled, but the sadness and concern in his eyes were a give away that something else was wrong.

Pansy took a deep breath and searched for Blaise's hand, "I could be persuaded to go and eat; but why don't we talk about whatever is on your mind first so that it doesn't ruin dinner." Pansy smiled sadly at Harry and encouraged him with her eye contact that she could handle whatever truth he was withholding.

Harry smiled sadly, "I'm just worried about you, Pans…"

Whether or not she interpreted correctly or not, Harry's eye contact told Pansy that he needed to speak with her in private and to move forward to that point she stood quickly, "Well then…let me shower and change and I will let you all take me out in public and feed me." She smiled down at Blaise and rushed off to her room.

_Whatever is wrong…it must be really bad._

*.*.*.*

The foursome had dinner at a Muggle pub in downtown London and after a few drinks Ginny asked Blaise for a dance leaving Harry and Pansy at the table alone. She took a long drink of her wine and sat back in the booth, "So we're alone now…go ahead."

Harry downed the glass of whiskey in his hand and moved close to Pansy, "As promised, I did not stop researching the blood samples that I took from you and from Emma and the other day I found something new. Either the potion description we received from the Ministry was written incorrectly or somewhere along the line you were slipped another potion because the problem is two colliding ingredients, Quassia and Valerian. There was Quassia in the vigilante potion; it's used in control and domination potions, but the Valerian was not on the list…are you sure you did not use Valerian in your potion?"

"I don't even know what it is," Pansy took a deep breath and considered the many possible ways she could have ingested whatever Harry was talking about. Her thoughts were interrupted when Harry cleared his throat and continued.

"Valerian root is traditionally a dark magic ingredient. Generally speaking, it is used for raising demonic spirits or pact making spells…but in this case, the interaction with the Quassia caused an infection that attacked the blood stream; the Valerian set the infection in motion and if you did not use it yourself then that may have been its only purpose."

Pansy took a deep breath and as her mind wandered she could not help but chuckle bitterly at the dilemma. "So you think I was poisoned? I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. I'm sure whoever provided the vigilante potion left off one of the _colliding_ ingredients…just to make me suffer." Pansy finished her drink and poured herself another glass of wine. She swore she would not cry and could handle whatever Harry was going to say; even if she had to be drunk to manage it.

"These two ingredients, the reaction they had to each other; if they had entered your system together it would have killed you on the spot. You had to come in contact with them at separate times and –"

"Come in contact with…are you saying this may have been something other than a drink?" Pansy was confused, as she usually was with potions; she held her hands together to stop them from shaking as she waited for Harry's response.

"Possibly…"

"Brilliant," Pansy downed her glass of wine and poured another. After a long drink she smiled at Harry, "Well at least you figured it out and now I release you from any further investigation," She finished another glass then continued, "Because let's face it, anyone could have slipped me something…Lucius, Riley…anyone who walked into _The Cupboard_. I assume it did not have to be something I ingested before I was pregnant because Emma would have been susceptible to anything in my system during those months and…it doesn't matter anymore anyway because nothing we find out about how it happened will bring her back." Pansy poured herself yet another glass, but opted to sip since her head was already spinning.

Harry poured himself another glass as well and took a long drink before looking over at her, "I can't stop because –"

"Come on, Harry…I get that you're noble and dedicated, but…if anyone did this it was Lucius Malfoy and if the why and the how can not bring my daughter back then there is no point in your wasting anymore time –"

Harry downed his drink and interrupted Pansy by slamming his glass on the table, "If I do not find a way to cure this, you will die." He paused and watched the color fade from Pansy's face, "You may be willing to give up, but I'm not."

"That's why you didn't want to speak in front of Blaise. I appreciate your discretion, Harry." Pansy finished off another glass and poured until she finished the bottle, "And for the record, I'm not giving up, but if I did, could you honestly blame me?" She drank her wine, set her glass on the table then ran her fingers through her hair.

"I have been making inquiries within the Ministry for weeks and will continue to do so until I have figured out a way to cure this, Pansy." Harry pulled her into a long hug and smiled when they separated, "I know a little something about losing people that you love; and I've grown quite used to having you around so you'll not be getting away without a fight. Not to mention, Blaise would be lost without you; and Ginny is determined that someday you and Blaise are going to fall in love and I'm not used to denying her wishes so…"

"Blaise and I falling in love, eh?" Pansy blushed and looked down quickly. She knew Harry was staring at her and finally looked back up, "What?"

"He's a great guy, Pans, and you two obviously love each other already. I tend to agree with Ginny that you are just avoiding the inevitable."

Pansy blushed and smiled when Blaise and Ginny returned to the table. Blaise sat and looked with concern at Pansy's expression, "Are you all right? Do you want to go or –"

She interrupted him by holding her hand out and smiling, "I want you to ask me to dance."

Without hesitation he stood back up and took her hand, "Ms. Parkinson, may I have this dance?"

"I thought you might never ask, Mr. Zabini," Pansy squeezed his hand and stood quickly. They walked out to the middle of the dance floor; the music slowed and Pansy placed her hands around Blaise's neck as his arms slid around her waist. She rested her head on his shoulder and tried to shut off her mind. _He loves me. It radiates from him every time we are this close and it makes me feel sane and calm and better over all; maybe its just time to let this happen…before it's too late._

*.*.*.*

Pansy finally realized how drunk she was on the way back home. She was feeling no pain and paying little attention to any inhibitions whatsoever. For whatever reason, when faced with the possibility of her untimely death, Pansy was starting to have inappropriate thoughts about Blaise, and once the Potters went on their own way, her intentions intensified. By the time she reached the flat her sense of control was wavering and she started rushing for her room the minute they were in the door.

Blaise chuckled at Pansy's urgency and stopped her before she shut the door, "Are you all right? You're not feeling sick are you?"

She held tight to the door and smiled awkwardly, trying desperately not to undress him with her eyes, "No, I'm…fine…tired is all. I haven't left the house in weeks and we were gone for hours…and I had a _lot_ to drink, which is why I'm thinking…acting crazy so…I'm just going to bed and –"

"Do you want me to tuck you –"

"No…I know you're not ready for bed yet so…I'll just see you in the morning." Pansy smiled and tried to move into her room when Blaise approached and kissed her gently.

"Good night, Love…sweet dreams." He smiled and walked toward his own room without waiting for a response.

Pansy sighed and walked into her room, right to her bed and opened her journal.

_3 April 2003_

_Where to begin? I'm a bit drunk. I miss Emma more than I can express in words. Harry told me tonight that it wasn't a blood disorder that killed Emma it was an infection; caused by two "colliding" ingredients called Quassia and Valerian. The Quassia came from the potion I was given at the shelter and the Valerian was slipped to me somewhere else along the way. In any event Harry is forced to continue working on this mystery because otherwise I will die. All of this has made me irrationally want to go into Blaise's room and tear all his clothes off. I was better off staying in bed._

_If I still feel the same way about Blaise in the morning, when I'm sober…well I don't know what I'll do. Maybe I should do nothing except stop fighting it. Blaise has been my constant and nothing has ever been able to come in the way of that. He has shared everything with me and…I know it is not the wine talking when I say that I want to share everything, including myself with him._

_But for now I think I should go to bed…not react out of grief or fear or intoxication and just see what signs the morning gives me._

*.*.*.*

Pansy woke the next morning with a screaming headache and looked over with annoyance at the owl that had flown through the window and landed on her bed. She reached over to untie the parchment attached to the bird's leg and shooed it back out the window. She pulled the black ribbon wrapped around the scroll and her heart started to race when she turned it over and saw the Malfoy crest embossed regally. She tore the scroll open and tears instantly began falling down her face.

_4 April 2003_

_Ms. Parkinson,_

_I have recently become aware of your tragic loss and extend my deepest sympathy. If you will recall, however, I told you right from the beginning that I would not tolerate a bastard heir. You called my bluff, Pansy, in that I would never actually harm my own son, but any children you and Draco conceived together would not be privy to such protections and as a result, Emma paid the ultimate price for your rebellion. Not unlike your parents, if I recall correctly. _

_Fortunately, I was able to intercept your owl to Draco in February. Naturally, I sent him and Astoria away on holiday and investigated the nature of your pleas for assistance myself. Testing my patience by trying to contact him was a mistake and I wonder how much more specific I need be with you, Ms. Parkinson. _

_Your boyfriend Harry Potter has been doing extensive research of his own. I believe he is looking to cure the blood infection you have been plagued with; the same infection that killed darling little Emma. He is searching for a way to break the connection between the Quassia and the Valerian, correct? I'm afraid however, even the chosen one may not be able to save you this time._

_The amazing thing is that you put this whole disaster in motion. You may blame me all you want, but I can assure you here and now that I did not give you the Valerian that caused the infection and killed your daughter…I gave it to Draco. You encountered it by continuing a relationship with him that I advised you was not wise and sentenced your child to death the day she was conceived. If you were to tell him of this it would destroy him; not to mention he would hate you for denying him his daughter for whatever short amount of time they would have had._

_I certainly hope you have been following along, Ms. Parkinson, because there are new rules which I would advise you to respect this time; you've not many people left to lose and I've never really cared for Mr. Zabini, so I assure you it would be my pleasure. Stop Harry Potter from any further investigations. If you chose to let him try and save your worthless life, that is your decision, but if he determines in any way my involvement in any of this then Blaise will be with Emma faster than you can say I'm sorry._

_My advice…go further away than London this time; if you can not control yourself then disappear. The life expectancy of the three people you have left depends on your ability to follow these instructions, Ms. Parkinson…perhaps you will stop challenging me now._

The parchment slipped from Pansy's hands onto the bed. She looked down at it then over at her journal where she recalled the professions from the night before. _Its morning and the first thing I thought of when I woke up this morning was rushing into Blaise's room and telling him everything I was feeling. And then I received my sign…thank you Lucius Malfoy for showing me my destiny._

She got out of bed, went to her closet and pulled the first two appropriate articles of clothing she could find from their hangers. Within minutes she was dressed and in the living room where she found Blaise drinking tea and reading _The Daily Prophet_. He looked up and smiled brightly, "You're up and dressed? I didn't even think you were awake yet. Do you want some tea or –"

"Actually…I need to go and see Harry. He mentioned some opportunities to volunteer at St. Mungo's and I thought that might be good for me…especially since you're going back to work tomorrow so…he said I could stop by this morning and I'm going to do that." She forced the most convincing smile she had and kissed his head as she passed. _Dear God you smell good…even in the morning._

Blaise turned, surprised by her urgency, "Do you want to wait a few minutes and I'll come with you?"

"No…stay and enjoy your Sunday. I'll be back soon and we can go have lunch or something." She smiled again quickly, blew Blaise a kiss and walked out the door. Once outside she collapsed back against the wall and took a deep breath. There was no time for tears however, she had instructions to follow.

*.*.*.*

Pansy smiled when Harry's office door opened, "Do you have a minute?"

"Of course…come in," Harry opened the door and sat in the chair next to Pansy, "What can I do for you?"

"That is truly amazing, Harry, that you are always ready to help no matter what." Pansy took a deep breath and looked down for a quick pause before locking back onto his eyes and continuing quietly, "I need you to promise that you will hear me out and do whatever I ask you to do."

Harry chuckled quietly, "That's a tall order, but I will do my best. What is it?"

"I need you to promise me that you will stop looking into the way Emma and I got sick. If you want to continue looking for a cure, brilliant, but the how and the why are off limits from now on." Pansy searched for Harry's understanding in his confused and surprised expression, but the silence between them grew while waiting for his response and she blurted mindlessly, "Harry, please," tears fell quickly and she looked down, "I am not asking that you let me die; I am just asking that you only work on a cure and not –"

"What happened? Did you find something out or did someone threaten you –"

She shifted uncomfortably in her seat and looked up at him pleadingly, "Harry, I am begging you to just trust me. This is difficult considering I'm not even done with my request." When Harry did not respond she continued quietly, "I also need you to promise me that you will support my decision to leave for a while…and that you will take care of Blaise while I'm gone. I know that one of you must know where I will be, and I'm going to trust you with this information, but you can not tell Blaise."

Harry took Pansy's hands and waited until she looked up at him, "Blaise and I are more than capable of dealing with whatever has thrown you into such a panic. You do not have to run away; all you have to do is tell me –"

"The people I love are _always_ taken from me, Harry! I can not tell you anymore than I have just told you, but I am begging you to help me. I can not lose any of you and if that means I have to leave for a while then I will do whatever is necessary, but I can not do this alone." Her tears increased and she squeezed Harry's hands, "Please, help me…please do as I ask and repress your questions as to my motives…please."

He looked into her eyes and would have done anything to ease the pain that reflected back at him. "Whatever you want, Pansy," he pulled her into a long hug and whispered, "I will keep your secrets and shift all of my energy to finding a cure." Harry finally pulled away and looked at her, "How will I administer it to you?"

"You will know how to find me, only you…not even Ginny…you will remain my secret keeper, though the location will have changed. Once you have found an antidote you can contact me…and I promise I will not be gone forever." She reached up and wiped her face, "I have no idea where I will go…haven't gotten that far, but I need to move quickly. I would like to leave tonight."

"TONIGHT?" Harry softened his tone immediately and took Pansy's hands again, "Blaise is not going to let you go this easily, Pansy. What do you plan to tell him?"

"I'll take care of Blaise…and to keep the temptation low I am going to encourage him the same way I am encouraging you. Do not speak of this with each other. One of you will know where I am and the other will know why I am gone. Together you are informed, but putting the pieces together will be disastrous. The only way I know to keep you all safe is to give you complete disclosure collectively and some deniability at the same time." She shook her head and acknowledged how mental her request was. She also considered the challenge of telling Blaise goodbye, but there was no other option. Finally she whispered to Harry, "I have your word then?"

"You have my word…and I will have a location for you within the hour. I will escort you and cast the charm. You had better go and speak with Blaise…and don't even think about leaving without saying goodbye to Ginny. She will respect the secrecy, but she will not understand if you simply disappear." Harry hugged Pansy once more tightly then walked her to the door. As she started down the corridor he blurted, "Was he worth it, Pansy? Malfoy…was he worth all this?"

Pansy stopped and turned as new tears fell down her face, "I'm not even sure anymore, but I can tell you with absolute certainty that this time…it's not his fault." She turned and walked away and once able she apparated back to the flat.

*.*.*.*

There was no good way to tell Blaise what she had decided to do so upon her arrival home she handed him the letter from Lucius and sat patiently as he read it. When he looked up with a stunned, angered and worried expression she responded quietly, "Before you say anything, I want you to hear me out."

"If you are about to tell me that you are going to run in order to keep me and Potter and Ginny safe then there is nothing for me to hear because it is _not_ happening." Blaise stood and started pacing. When Pansy stood and put her hand on his arm to stop him he scooped her up into a hug, "You're terrified of losing me so you can understand how I am feeling right now. You're not running and if you plan to run then this time I am coming with you."

She held tight to him and the feeling was familiar; knowing it might be the last time she would ever be so close to someone she loved and the overwhelming need to saturate herself with everything about them. She breathed deeply against his chest and pulled away enough to look up at him, "You can't come with me; and although I know you are going to hate this next part too, I am not going to tell you where I'm going."

"No bloody way." Blaise released Pansy and continued his frantic pacing around the room.

"Harry has already agreed to be my secret keeper. He is working on a location as we speak and plans to take me tonight and cast the charm –"

"Tonight?" Blaise stopped pacing and walked back over to Pansy, "Are you trying to kill me?"

"If anyone asks…if Draco asks I do not want you to have to lie; and if Lucius comes after you I do not want you to have the knowledge of my location for him to extract," she sat down on the sofa and ran her fingers through her hair.

"Not so confident in my Occlumency skills, eh?" He sat down next to her and smiled sadly as he brushed random hairs from her face, "I'm not afraid of Lucius Malfoy, Pans, and I will protect you from –"

Pansy interrupted by standing and started to shout, "I did not follow his instructions, to stay clear of Draco, and as a result he sentenced Emma to death the day she was conceived. He has taken _everything_ else from me Blaise and I will not have him take you too. If I lose you, I will kill him or die trying." She paused and took a deep breath, "So what will it be? Will you be reasonable and agree that past experience dictates I leave for a while? Or are you determined to be stubborn and prevent me from leaving, or worse confront Draco or Lucius about what I have told you, thereby getting yourself killed and risking that I either get myself killed or end up in Azkaban?"

"Do you understand what you are asking of me?" He ran his hands roughly over his face then dropped them to his sides and sighed heavily, "And are Harry and I just not supposed to speak while you're gone?"

"He will not tell you my location and you will not tell him or anyone else why I left. The way I see it, once Harry stops looking into the cause of this infection, Lucius will calm; then once he has his precious heir, hopefully I will just drop off his radar. Then I can come back and we can figure out how we are going to move forward. And yes, I understand what I am asking of you, but I am begging that you will understand and agree that there is no other way." She wrapped her arms tightly around him, "I love you so much, Blaise, and I'm sorry that this is the best I can ever offer you; chaos and devastation."

Tears rolled down his face as he wrapped his arms around her, "You promise that you will come back? Can you promise that I am not about to lose you forever…because of bloody Malfoy?"

She buried her face in his chest and whispered, "I promise…I'll be back before you can miss me."

*.*.*.*

Blaise eventually let Pansy go and she started packing for her great disappearance. After putting together all of her things into one magical bag she could carry over her shoulder and writing a letter to Madi detailing only what was safe to tell, Pansy eventually walked back into the living room ready to go. She sat on the sofa and curled up next to Blaise. "I am going to miss you so much it hurts already."

"Then why are you doing this?" Blaise pulled away and wiped his eyes, "Stay and let us help you."

"Letting me leave is helping me," she brushed Blaise's face and kissed him gently, "And believing that I love you even though I will not tell you where I am going is also helping me."

"I love you too which is why it is impossible for me to not care that you are running off to an undisclosed location," he pulled her into another tight hug, "Promise me again that you are not about to do something mental."

Pansy smiled sadly, "I promise," she was startled by a knock at the door, and stood quickly to answer. Ginny pulled free from Harry and barreled through the door and threw her arms around Pansy before she could greet them.

"I don't want you to go and I hate that I can not know anything about why." Ginny pulled away and tried to smile at Pansy, but tears rolled down her face, "You are sure there is nothing else we can do to help you?"

"This is the only way," she hugged Ginny tight, "I'm going to miss you, but like I told Blaise and Harry…I'll be back."

"You better!" Ginny let Pansy go and looked sadly at Blaise, "I guess it will be just you and me tonight."

Blaise smiled slightly then pulled Pansy to him, "I'm not sure I can do this."

"You promised," Pansy hugged him as tightly as she could then pulled away enough to look up at him. "We have trusted each other's instincts from the beginning…don't stop now."

Harry interrupted the moment quietly, "We have a portkey leaving in five minutes… just to let you know."

Pansy looked back up at Blaise and pulled him into a long kiss. "I love you and I will see you sooner than you think, I promise."

It was obvious that Blaise was beyond words. He kissed Pansy again then left the room before another word could be said. Ginny hugged Pansy once more then kissed Harry goodbye and went to check on Blaise. Harry took Pansy's hand and whispered, "Are you ready?" She nodded and before she had time to change her mind they grabbed a hold of an umbrella Harry brought in and they disappeared from the flat.

*.*.*.*

_5 April 2003_

_Harry left this morning to return to the magical world where everything I love is hopefully safe now that I am gone. I did as Lucius suggested and left London; I'm back in America, but this time I'm in some little nowhere farm town in the state of Ohio. From the looks of things this will be just another hell._

_I lied…to everyone though because I have no intention of staying here…and no intention of going back. Just like Draco moved on so will Blaise. If I go back I only subject him to more disaster. I have kept him from his life and I refuse to continue being a burden. I am considering waiting at least a few months before my grand disappearing act in case Harry finds an antidote quickly. If not than I have all the signs I need and gladly retreat to await the day when I see my little girl again._

_My life is a train wreck and any hopes for happiness or peace are gone. Maybe I should just leave tonight and take my chances that if Lucius Malfoy doesn't eventually kill me his infection will. Maybe I will do just that._

Pansy put her journal in her bag, pulled out her wand and thought of one place in the world she always wanted to go; in the next second she was gone from sight.


	4. Book Four:  Dust to Dust

**Letters From the Edge**

By, Jennasprite

**Pairing**: Draco Malfoy/Pansy Parkinson

**Rating**: R/Mature

**Genre**: Romance/Drama/Angst

**Summary**: Separated by circumstance, distance and a responsibility to family, Draco and Pansy cling to their love for each other and define themselves in the process. A post war journey of forgiveness, acceptance and the impossible reality of saying goodbye.

**Disclaimer**: _This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by J.K. Rowling and various publishers including, but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoat Books as well as Warner Brothers, Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended. From the Edge of the Deep Green Sea, music and lyrics are created and owned by The Cure. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended._

**Author's Notes**: Book Four of Four. Inspired by _From the Edge of the Deep Green Sea_ by The Cure. A complete list of the soundtrack that inspired this story is at the end of the book.

Please forgive errors in this book. My BETA abandoned me and I did not want to delay my posting of the final book while I searched for someone new. I edited twice, but please forgive the things I missed!

Thank you so much for reading! I enjoyed writing this story so much and my first experience in the world of fan fiction has been brilliant. I hope to start working on something new very soon!

**Book Four**

_Dust to Dust_

"How much more can we use it up? Drink it dry? Take this drug? Looking for something forever gone, but something we will always want?"

_From the Edge of the Deep Green Sea_

The Cure

_Draco lay back across the seats of the Hogwarts Express and his head rested gently in Pansy's lap. The feel __of her fingers dancing in his hair sent chills through his entire body; a reaction he battled to control and disguise as he attempted to focus on his assignment from the Dark Lord. The responsibilities for his upcoming year were immeasurable and failure would bring death, for himself and his family; a fact Draco was consumed with from the day he was chosen to execute the mission. So why now, at the precipice of his opportunity to prove himself, his chance finally to claim the praise and recognition he so desperately craved, was Draco trembling at Pansy's touch? His mind was already a flurry of orders and instructions regarding his tasks, but suddenly he was flooded with distractions racing through his head._

I love her. I should tell her in case this does not work out the way I plan. Or maybe I should push her away to keep her safe in case I…fail. She's deliciously wicked, but have I made her this way? I don't want her anywhere near the Dark Lord…she'll get in trouble… she'll be hurt. I can't hurt her anymore. How did this happen…and why now? I'm telling her that I love her as soon as we step off of this train. I have to…

_The blond's internal conversation was interrupted when Blaise entered their compartment and promptly fell into Gregory Goyle after an apparent malfunction with the sliding door. A ruckus ensued, but as the atmosphere calmed once more Draco laid his head back into Pansy's lap, craving the return of her affections. His distraction was short lived however as his eyes followed a shoe, revealed from underneath an invisibility cloak, and travelling into the overhead luggage rack. Draco sniggered to himself and immediately started contemplating how he would deal with the eavesdropping St. Potter. It took all of his control not to laugh out loud at the plan developing in his mind._

Break Potter's face, cover him with his precious invisibility cloak, and leave him on the train…they'll find him in London eventually. I can tell Pansy I love her…and then back to my assignment.

_ Eventually Draco's attention returned to the compartment and he interrupted the mindless noise, "So, Zabini…what did Slughorn want?"_

*.*.*.*

_16 June 2010_

_Why in the bloody hell am I dreaming about Pansy again? Shall I never be free of the temptations and allure of her? If she can not be with me then I think it is only fitting that she stays out of my head! And it is particularly cruel of my subconscious to take me back to that day…the day on the train…when I considered ordering everyone from the compartment so that I could tell her everything right then and there…but I never told her then…the closest I came…a letter I did not send before it was too late._

Draco slammed his book closed and ran his fingers coarsely through his hair. The dream was haunting for so many reasons and before he could stop himself the blond stood from his desk, went to the closet and started pulling out boxes containing everything that pertained to his days at Hogwarts. In a matter of minutes he pulled his sixth year book of parchment from a box, flipped to the back and removed a piece of worn parchment that he unfolded and read quietly.

_17 June 1997_

_Pansy,_

_All term you have harassed me for details, reasons for my behavior, and I still can not comply with your request. I refuse to tell you anything specific, you will know soon enough, but I want to insure your safety and keeping you away from this situation is the only way I know to do that. Perhaps keeping you away from me in the beginning would have been the best course of action, but we can not go back. I have no idea what is going to happen tonight so there is something I must tell you; this is not how I hoped to do this, but time is short and now may be the only opportunity._

_I love you, have loved you for years, realized it finally over the summer and it nearly consumed me. I planned to tell you the minute we stepped off the train at start of term, but Potter had to interfere; and then my responsibilities took priority and again the need to keep you from harm meant keeping you from what I had to do. Still I can not take the chance that this evening's events will rob me of the opportunity to tell you that every day starts brilliantly with thoughts of you. They begin in my dreams which you have invaded for years. If tonight goes as planned I intend on making you wild promises of power and perfection and spending the rest of my life making sure you have everything you want and deserve. If I fail tonight I want you to know that I love nothing more in the world as much as you and I never will._

_Please stay as close to Blaise as possible…no matter what happens he will always take care of you when I can not. I know that you have a tendency to react first and think later when you are scared so I implore you to let him protect you. DO NOT attempt to find me, help me, save me or in anyway interfere with what has to happen. Know that I act in order to save myself and my family; and with the intent to insure a future I intend on spending with you. Still, if the worst happens, know that I can never apologize enough for what you have endured at my side or the deplorable way I treated you most of the time. And of course I'm sorry for the duration of time it took me to realize that you were the reason I was able to breathe in and out each day. I'm sorry that there was no better time to tell you and I'm sorry for what I have to do now. I pray that I will see your face again…but could die the luckiest man in the world because you loved me._

_All my love in return,_

_Draco_

The study door opened and pulled Draco out of his reminiscent state. He smiled up at Astoria as she approached and closed the book of parchment that contained the unsent letter from his past. "How was shopping?"

"Successful; I bought you enough clothes for the entire week and I think you will blend in brilliantly with the American Muggles." Astoria laughed as Draco rolled his eyes. She hopped up on the desk in front of him and mindlessly ran her fingers over the closed book of parchment. "Are you more concerned about the Muggles or the American's?"

"I'm not sure how to answer that question," he smiled as he picked up his old journal and placed it in a desk drawer. "Are you sure you wouldn't like to join me?"

"I already told you that I would love to come to America with you, but I can not take any time away from the office right now. Besides Scorpius is at a tough age, especially with all the magical control issues he's having; I don't think its fair to either of our mothers to have to deal with that." She leaned over and ran her fingers through Draco's hair, "Of course if you would just allow Daphne –"

Draco grabbed Astoria's hand and pulled her over to his lap. He wrapped his arms around her and chuckled quietly, "I realize she is your sister, and I think I have done well dealing with the circumstance in question, but Scorpius will _not_ be spending a week at the _Wood_ residence. The last thing I need is my child becoming attached to a Gryffindor." _I already lost Pans to Potter._

"Is something else wrong? You seem awfully worked up about something." Astoria smiled supportively at Draco and waited with focused attention for his response.

"Aren't _American Muggles_ for a week enough to have me on edge?" Draco forced a laugh, kissed Astoria and guided her off of his lap so he could stand.

She watched Draco start mindlessly pacing around the study and after a few silent moments she broke the silence, "Could it have anything to do with what tomorrow is?"

Draco knew the anniversary that Astoria referred to; he paused, hoping she may see his discomfort with the conversation and change the subject. After an awkward silence he sighed and blurted mindlessly, "Might you be referring to the anniversary of my _mission_ from the Dark Lord? Thirteen years later and the events of that night are as prominent in my mind as if they happened yesterday."

Astoria quickly went to Draco; she reached up and brushed his face gently, "You are such a different person now. Did you ever imagine then that someday you would be married with a family?"

_To Pansy…with Pansy…I imagined it a lot that year._ He fought for focus, to repress the inner workings of his torturous mind, and finally he leaned down to kiss her, "I certainly never imagined I would be married to you. You were afraid of me then if I recall."

"It was more respect than fear; you were older and obviously important. I was more terrified of your entourage than anything else." Astoria giggled and hugged Draco tight, "Is there anything I can do to help?"

He kissed her head then pulled away to look down at her, "It will pass…it always does. So let's go see what you purchased this morning."

With great excitement Astoria took Draco's hand and pulled him down to the bedroom for an item by item presentation of her purchases.

*.*.*.*

_17 June 2010_

_I have been in America for five hours; I hate it here and I want to go home. There are no secluded magical communities here; the wizards just mingle with the Muggles. Unfortunately my other option of assignment was equally as grim...some security enhancements detail at Hogwarts. I think the last place I need to be, considering the historical significance of today especially, is Hogwarts. Its bad enough I dreamt of Pansy again on the plane…as if the plane ride was not sufficiently disturbing. I hate assignments that do not allow me to portkey because I have to try and "blend in." I hate America! At least it's only a week. _

_The hotel is acceptable, but I have exhausted my distractions and although apprehensive I think I may have to go out and see what there is to do. I need a drink, but not here in my room alone because that is pathetic. I would rather go out and find someplace public…to drink alone. Why am I so bloody nervous here? I've been to America before…though never alone. I'm actually excited to be here without a partner this time, but…I can not get over all of the Muggles…they are every where…no escape…except at the office and I do not wish to go there either._

_When we were younger, Pans used to talk about wanting to visit here…anywhere in America…did not matter. I used to give her a hard time, obviously because I did not understand the interest; she would dart me this adorably evil look every time._

_How did Pansy get back inside my head? It's because of the day…has to be…thirteen years later and she's still distracting me from what I'm supposed to be doing…_

Draco shut his book and rested his head against the high-backed chair. He looked out the window at the Chicago skyline and rolled his eyes before standing and changing his clothes. He collected his wand and his Muggle money and headed to the lifts then through the lobby and out to the busy city streets where he mindlessly chose a direction and started walking. If he was going to mingle with Muggles then his choice in location was of great importance; somewhere quiet and out of the way would be required to match his brooding mood.

After canvassing a few city blocks Draco wandered down an alley way toward a flashing _Open_ sign in the distance attached to a small hole in the wall pub called _The Piasa_. He moved forward with speed and the minute he walked inside he breathed a sigh of relief. _If it has to be a Muggle pub this will do._ He looked around the dimly lit room; floor to ceiling oak furnishings and comfortable seating with blues coming from a jukebox in the corner. It was quaint and more impressive than it looked from the outside so the blond walked over to a booth and took a seat. He looked at a menu to familiarize himself with Muggle drinks and tried to act casual as the waitress approached the table.

A pretty young redheaded woman walked up and smiled, "Hi there…welcome to _The Piasa_. You must be new in town."

Draco seemed somewhat startled by the observation and blurted, "Are you saying that I stand out?"

The waitress giggled and focused as if taking in every inch of his appearance. Finally she responded with a laugh, "You sure do, though not in a bad way at all. I was merely commenting because I've never seen you before and _The Piasa_ is usually all regulars; you are a pleasant change. In any event welcome…what can I get you?"

The blond instantly calmed and was even flattered by the round about compliment from a pretty stranger. He smiled at the red haired woman and continued with his renewed confidence, "A whiskey…and the story of how the pub was named. _Piasa_; what is that?"

"You'd have to ask the owner about her specific reasons for choosing it, but _The Piasa_ is a myth that originated in North America about a man eating creature that lived in the Mississippi River. It had the body of a dragon, a man's head, but with a lion's main and its tail was twice the length of a person…snake like." The waitress giggled, "Like I said, I'm not sure why she chose it, but it sounds pretty cool and it is entertaining to see people get that same glazed over expression when they hear the story."

Draco's eyebrow arched and he chuckled softly, "Right, because who really believes in dragon's anyway." _Silly Muggles always fascinated with things you could never comprehend to be real._

The redhead smiled again, "I'll be right back with that whiskey."

"Make it a double please…what's your name?"

The waitress turned and smiled, "Colleen."

"Thank you Colleen," Draco smiled as the waitress walked away and fought with all his control not to roll his eyes. _A pub named after a dragon…no wonder I'm so comfortable here._

He finished his drink within seconds of it hitting the table and instructed the waitress to keep them coming. After several whiskey doubles he reached into his pocket, pulled out the letter written during his dreaded sixth year to Pansy and read until his eyes blurred. In the wee hours of morning when the pub was finally ready to close Draco stumbled out the door and once clear of onlookers he disapparated from sight.

*.*.*.*

Surprisingly Draco felt refreshed and completely focused when he woke the next morning. He arrived at the office before dawn and made excellent progress with his case; so much that it appeared his trip would be even shorter than expected. After dinner with several of the American detectives Draco returned to his hotel and contemplated how to fill the rest of the time before going to bed and starting all over again the next day.

He missed Astoria and Scorpius terribly and the worst part about being in America was the inability to communicate easily; international owls were traditionally slow. After pacing for what seemed like forever Draco eventually sat down and turned on the television; he was disinterested in figuring out how it worked so he left the first picture that appeared. Twenty five minutes later he turned it off and threw the remote control on the bed while ranting to himself, "Not very spectacular witches if they only have one real power a piece. And that's what the Muggle world considers _charmed_ ones?"

He rolled his eyes and lay back against the pillows. It had been a brilliant day, but being alone in a strange city, far from home and completely bored was wearing on Draco's patience. Suddenly he sat up as if a light bulb illuminated in his brain; he changed his clothes and rushed out of the hotel.

Once tucked in the same booth at _The Piasa_ as the night before Draco breathed a sigh of relief; and was only moderately irritated with himself for not considering it before subjecting himself to Muggle entertainment. He looked over the menu, waiting patiently to be greeted, and secretly hoping it was the same spunky waitress from the night before who for whatever reason made him very comfortable despite the fact that she was non-magical.

A few more minutes passed and Draco continued to focus on the drink list. He finally felt someone approaching the table and in an effort to be coy he did not remove his eyes from the menu. When Draco felt the waitress draw nearer he felt his stomach suddenly tightened with excitement. _Draco Malfoy you are married and do not have any sort of opinions on red headed girls…who could potentially be a Weasley…I'm sure they're all related after all._

The waitress was also distracted with an instruction manual in her hand and glided up to the table, "Sorry to have kept you waiting, but I have a disaster in back and –"

"Pansy…" Draco stared up as if he was hallucinating, "Is it really you?"

"Draco –"

"What are you doing here?" He continued to gaze at her like she was not real as he stood from the booth, then eventually smiled and pulled her into what amounted to a short and awkward embrace.

She chuckled quietly and shyly pulled away, "This is my pub…you realize it is a Muggle pub yeah?"

He nodded, refusing to distract himself from looking at her. Her smell danced around him and Draco's head started to swim. Suddenly he interrupted the building silence, "I did not track you down here I promise. I'm in town for business and needed somewhere to go and think; never in a million years did I expect to see you here. I was here last night and –"

"Ah, so you're the blond Colleen called my house gushing about at two o'clock this morning." Pansy smiled and looked down quickly.

Completely blowing past Pansy's comments about the waitress he had met the night before Draco continued with his previous topic, "Did you say this is _your_ pub…you own it?"

"I do…for about three years now," she started uncomfortably shifting back and forth in front of the table, "And what about you…what kind of business do you have in America?"

_I finally found her and she obviously can not wait to get away from me. _Draco was caught up in every move she made and when Pansy cleared her throat he chuckled quietly, "I'm sorry I just…you have no idea how amazing it is to see you standing in front of me right now. Why don't you have a seat? We can catch up and –"

Pansy looked around at the empty pub then back to Draco, "I thought you needed to think…"

"Please tell me that you aren't going to refuse to speak to me now that I am standing right in front of you. Can you honestly hate me that much?" Draco's throat started to tighten as his thoughts involuntarily spilled from his mouth. He chuckled quietly, but his eyes were pleading, "I'm sorry to sound desperate, but…I am…please sit down and tell me at least how you have been for the last…decade." _You know…when my father was not attempting to make your life a living hell._ "I've been dependent on the word of others all this time. I know you disappeared many years ago and that was also the last time I spoke with Blaise –"

"Why don't I get you a drink first?" Pansy was obviously ruffled by the mention of anything to do with the past decade and forced a smile as she waited for Draco to respond.

"Your finest Whiskey…a bottle should do. Unless you would be more comfortable if I just left all together and then –"

"No!" She blushed at her adamant interruption and smiled slightly, "You can stay. I'll be right back." Pansy rushed from the table before Draco could respond.

Once alone the blond pinched his arm and looked around the room to make sure he was not merely dreaming again. He had considered a million times what it would be like to look into Pansy's eyes again, but he had never imagined that they would be so awkward and distant. He tried to convince himself that once she sat, and they talked, that the fire which once burned between them would reignite. The thought of being so close to her again made his hands started trembling and the excitement of just talking to her began coursing furiously through his body. When she returned after a few minutes Draco could not help the beaming smile that washed across his face and once again he lost control over his mouth. "So how long have you been here? When Blaise said you were gone without a trace I told him that you would not stay gone fore –"

"Draco…I really don't want to talk about this." Pansy set the bottle and a glass down on the table, "I'm sorry, but…it's over…all of it is finally over and…just trust me when I say you were fortunate not to have been involved in the last decade of my life." Tears were building in her eyes and she started to walk away from the table when suddenly she felt Draco's hand on her arm and her body started shaking in response. She turned to look at him and as the tears started rolling down her face she whispered, "I can't do this…I'm sorry…" and before Draco could respond Pansy rushed to the back room behind the bar.

He stood motionless at the table for only a few minutes then rushed after her. When he walked through the swinging door he found Pansy sitting at a table with her head down. Without hesitation he rushed to sit next to her and placed a comforting hand on her back, "Pans I know what happened and I am so –"

"What do you think you know about what I have been through?" She looked up at him with a pained expression then stood from the table. "And if you know all about it then why do you need to hear it from me?"

"Because I only have it in pieces…cryptic messages from Zabini and letters my father received from someone with the initials _R.M.," _Draco watched Pansy's entire demeanor change when he mentioned the letters and he approached her quickly. Hesitantly he reached out to touch her arm, but she pulled away, "Pans I promise you that I knew nothing about any of this until my father died last year. Only then did I find out that my parents had ever crossed paths with you." He paused and took a deep breath, "Astoria told me that she had spoken with you finally during an argument we had at the St. Mungo's benefit and –"

"Blaise told me you were there," Pansy paused after her interruption and looked strangely at Draco for a moment then went to sit at the table. She ran her fingers through her hair and sighed, "That is exactly what I'm talking about Draco. I do not want to relive that nightmare. I'm good now, and you appear to be as well so why can't we just say hello, have a drink on the house and wish each other well because when your assignment here is over I assume you will be returning to your family."

"Are you bloody serious?" Draco's heart was racing and he lost complete control over vocalizing his thoughts, "I have not seen you in eight years. I have proof that my father was deliberately trying to destroy your life. Pans I know he's the reason you left in the first place." Without thinking he went and knelt in front of her, placed his hands gently on her knees and looked up pleadingly, "I have a decade's worth of things to say to you; generalized sentimentalities and well wishes are not on the list."

After a long pause Pansy allowed her eyes to lock with Draco's; she placed her hands on top of his and spoke softly, "You are forgiven Draco; forgive yourself and move on." Pansy stood suddenly and stepped around him then walked back into the pub.

When Draco followed he found that people had come into the bar and saw that Pansy was immediately tending to her customers. He walked back to the booth and started to sit, but he was suddenly enraged at the dysfunction of all that had happened. Before causing a scene he moved quickly out the door, hoping a walk would calm him, and intending to return in order to try again. He stopped at the end of the ally where he paced for nearly thirty minutes trying to rationalize his right to go back to the pub and demand Pansy speak with him. His imagination had run wild with all the possible ways she had suffered and his need to know the truth seemed to inflict equal amounts of torture. Draco was reeling and could not seem to tame his thoughts no matter how hard he tried or how much he paced. _It wasn't just the past…she did not want to speak with me at all. How could she be in the same room with me…that close and not feel every single thing that I feel? Has she truly been that badly damaged?_

The blond eventually walked back to the pub and once inside he was greeted by a familiar face at what he now considered _his_ booth. He approached without hesitation, "Let me guess…Pansy is gone and sent you in to deliver the news that she does not wish to speak with me ever again."

Blaise arched is eyebrow and motioned for Draco to sit across from him. "Its more complicated than that, but…have a seat. What _are_ you doing here…if you don't mind my asking?"

"I'm in America on business and I received excellent service here last night so I decided to come back. I had no idea that Pansy was going to be here. I see you had no problems finding her though." Draco finally sat down and rolled his eyes as he poured a drink from the bottle of whiskey on the table.

"I had a hell of a time finding her actually. I left the Ministry –"

"In 2005…I know all about it because I went to talk to you recently and you were gone with no forwarding location." Draco finished his drink quickly and poured another, "So you two have been carrying on ever since in America?"

"It took me a year to find her and nearly that to…she had a hard way of things, but when she bought this place three years ago her life finally started falling back together again." Blaise took a long drink and started to continue when Draco interrupted curtly.

"Ironic that she named her pub after a dragon don't you think?" The blond poured another drink mindlessly and drank it down.

Blaise finished off the bottle and raised his glass to Draco, "Well it's always been about you hasn't it?" He tipped his glass back and set it on the table, "Of course this dragon has a lion's mane and –"

"If you say that's for Potter I may vomit."

"Allow me to fetch you a pail then. You'd better get used to that mate because Pansy is quite close friends with the Potters and the Weasleys now," he chuckled as he watched the expression of horror wash across Draco's face. "I used to feel that way too, but honestly…we both owe a considerable amount to Harry and Ginny especially. It's been a different world for quite some time now."

The idea of Pansy being close friends with their former enemies and still refusing to speak with him made Draco's stomach turn and for a moment he thought he may actually vomit all over the table. After several silent moments he looked up at Blaise, "So what's the verdict then? Is she refusing to speak with me still?"

"She's fighting for what there is to say Draco. The playing field is still the same, you are married to Astoria and now you have a child together. You are filled with rage and disgust over atrocities from the past that you just found out about and Pansy has already dealt with all of it. You can not ask her to relive her greatest horrors so that you can work through it; it's not fair." Blaise waived at a dark haired waitress who immediately approached with another bottle of whiskey. He smiled brightly at the waitress and winked before she walked away then poured two fresh glasses and continued, "So I am prepared to answer all of your questions about what happened."

Draco was surprised by the offer of full disclosure and after a long drink from his glass he blurted, "Who is R.M.?"

"Riley MacAulay…frequented _The Broom Cupboard_…the pub Pansy worked at. Anyway he asked her out a hundred times and finally she gave in. The night you and Astoria showed up at the pub was what pushed it all into motion and they became very close very quickly. He became such an important part of her life that he even offered his last name…the day they ran into your parents he played along that he was her fiancé." Blaise paused to finish off his glass and continued sadly, "Of course he was working for Lucius and one day he said something that made me suspicious, I read him and I immediately relocated Pansy to America."

"Then how did she end up back in London? And how in the bloody hell did she become so chummy with Potter and company?" As much as Draco wanted answers to his questions he knew each one brought potential devastation, but he waited patiently for Blaise's response.

"Pansy was ill and felt more comfortable with Healers than she did Muggle doctors so a portkey was arranged to bring her to St. Mungo's and Harry treated her. There were apologies made, forgiveness was confirmed and they found they had a great deal in common." Blaise tried not to laugh when Draco shifted uncomfortably in his seat, "I assure you that if Potter was as bad as we once believed that I would have put a stop to it, but he and Ginny were very supportive when Pansy needed it most and for that I will be forever grateful to them."

"When she disappeared…why did she leave and where did you find her?" Draco ran his fingers through his hair and poured himself another drink.

Blaise was obviously saddened by his trip through the past; he took a deep breath and exhaled slowly before responding. "She was in New Orleans, in the underground district when I found her and honestly I hardly recognized her. She had no money, no where to stay really so she bounced around a lot. Of course you've seen her so you know she is quite better now and –"

Draco looked up and knew that Blaise was holding something back. "_Why _did she leave?"

"Because Lucius told her to and that time he did not threaten just you, but all of us. Pansy wrote you a letter that he intercepted and it put her back on his radar," Blaise continued over Draco's intended interruption, "She does not blame you for any of this Draco and honestly after years of reflection I was wrong to cast any blame on you. I had no idea how truly evil Lucius was and had you stood up all those years ago and defied him I have no doubt he would have killed you both."

"Yes well I'm happy to tell you that he is dead…has been for more than a year now." The blond could feel the effects of the alcohol taking hold, but could not stop himself from pouring another glass. "I wish I had killed him myself."

Blaise paused thoughtfully as he pushed his glass away from him, "And destroyed the life you have built for yourself? No good would have come of that Draco. Still I would never insult you by extending my condolences. He was a bastard and he had to go eventually."

The noises from the pub started to infiltrate the silence that developed between them. Draco wondered for a split second if Blaise had been the one who finished Lucius off for good, but his need to know was only to issue the appropriate gratitude for a job well done. He opted not to pursue the issue and took advantage of whatever time he had left of Blaise's generous disclosure about Pansy. "So is she happy now? She looked happy until she saw me." He looked down and fought for something else to say, but the realization that Pansy had fallen out of love with him cut off his air supply.

A sarcastic chuckle broke the silence and Blaise finally spoke, "Do you honestly believe that the reason she doesn't want to speak with you is because she has somehow decided she does not love you anymore? Let me assure you…that could not be farther from the truth; much as it pisses me off to say it. Still what do you see happening here Draco? You're in America for what…a week maybe? And then what happens?"

"I don't know –"

Blaise interrupted with a calm tone, "She loses you all over and falls apart again… that's what. You can't be _friends_, you two are a train wreck waiting to happen and she is worried that this time she may not survive the crash."

The blond finished off his drink and stared into the empty glass, "So what am I supposed to do Blaise? Walk away? Forget I saw her? Forget that she has been running through my system constantly for the last decade…practically two now?" Draco finally looked up at his old friend and fought back mounting tears, "Don't you think I've tried? A million times I've tried, but she's part me; and now that I know she's here I don't know if I can leave."

"You will leave because you have a wife and son at home and abandoning your family goes against everything you've become. Not to mention Pansy is not about breaking up happy homes." Blaise put the top back on the nearly empty bottle of whiskey and took Draco's glass, "I guess I want to know what you plan to do?"

"Well I don't want her having to go into hiding or run again. Tell her I'll be gone by the end of the week and I won't come back to the pub; hell if I see her on the street I'll turn and walk the other way." Draco reached across the table for his glass and the whiskey bottle, "Whatever she wants…I suppose it's the least I can do." He poured another drink and downed it, "So…what are you doing with yourself in the Muggle world Zabini?"

Blaise chuckled as he responded, "I left my position at the Ministry about four years ago and about a year after that I started coaching a secondary school football team."

"Real football or American football?" Draco tried not to roll his eyes and ended up laughing at the thought of Blaise coaching a Muggle sport.

"Since when do you know the difference?" Blaise laughed when Draco rolled his eyes, "Soccer…and they are really good; State champions the last three years. I'm pretty sure there are some wizards on the team too." Blaise smiled at the dark haired waitress as she passed then looked at Draco watching the interaction, "And yes I have a girlfriend…stay away from her."

"She looks like a fairy. And is that hair color real or is it a glamour? Is she a witch?" Draco laughed at Blaise's attempt at annoyance then he stood from the table, "You don't have to answer. I've invaded your lives enough already and in just a few days time I'll be on my way back to the magical world. Of course with Pansy here I suppose which place possesses the most magic is really up for debate." He extended his hand, "Blaise, it was good to see you, good to know you are well; thank you for answering my questions."

Blaise stood and shook Draco's hand, "I'm sorry that this evening has not been what you might have anticipated, but I am eternally grateful that you understand the delicate position Pansy is in."

"Of course…" Draco started to walk away, but turned quickly and looked at Blaise, "Can you just tell her…that I am so monumentally sorry for absolutely everything? And can you tell her that I honestly still think about her hundreds of times a day…and tell her that I have never stopped loving her for even a minute…" He paused and started to turn, but stopped, "And one more thing…tell her that I kept my promise…I have the life she wanted for me…but the only life I _ever_ wanted was one with her in it…maybe next lifetime." The blond did not wait for a response before stumbling toward the door and collapsing against the building and to the ground on the other side.

Within seconds Blaise was standing over Draco and leaned down to help him up. He pulled his wand from his pocket and held the blond up, "What hotel are you staying at?"

"That really expensive one…where all of the shops are," he smiled up at Blaise and pulled a plastic card out of his pocket, "Here…it's a key. Why are the keys plastic here? Do you know Alohamora does not work on these Muggle doors?"

Blaise interrupted Draco's drunken babble by grabbing his arm and disapparating them from the alley.

*.*.*.*

_19 June 2010_

_I think it is distinctly possible that I am dying and to try and narrow down the exact cause of this horrendous pain in every part of my body would be impossible. My hair hurts…that has to be the nearly two bottles of whiskey I think I consumed last night. The headache, tightness in my chest, churning stomach and the fact that my body feels like I've been thrown in front of a train could be a hangover…or the realization that I can never have Pansy in any way ever again._

_To say that I was useless all day today and that I singlehandedly set my case back due to a lack of concentration would be an understatement. I think subconsciously I wanted to stay the whole week because she may not be willing to see me, but at least I know she's close. Why couldn't I have found her years ago? Maybe I could have shielded her from Lucius if I would have only known. I have so many more questions about things that Blaise said last night. What caused Pansy's illness and was Potter able to cure her? Will I ever stop accumulating things to be grateful to that git for? If Pansy took a portkey back to London wouldn't Astoria have known that? All international portkey requests into wizarding London require her approval…so yet another thing she kept from me. Did I mention I had the thought last night that Blaise killed Lucius? I was very drunk, but it was just the way he talked about it. I would never ask, can not honestly say I even want to know. I guess if anyone would have wanted to end his life for the atrocities committed against Pansy it would be Blaise. Although…Blaise has a girlfriend now; some fairy looking girl with jet black hair and skin almost as pale as mine. She has purple eyes…not as exquisite as Pansy's eyes, but interesting. They have lives here…with the Muggles…_

_Its true now…we are from completely different worlds…and she has left me no other option…I've found her again…and just like last time I have to let her go._

Draco closed his book of parchment and threw it across the room. He ran his fingers roughly across his face and into his hair and slammed his head back against the headboard. After a few restless moments of his mind wandering to all of the reasons he could never let Pansy go he reached into his bag, pulled out a vile and drank it down. _I'll just sleep…and it will all be better in the…_

*.*.*.*

Draco walked hesitantly back into _The Piasa _the next evening and sat at the bar. After only a few minutes Pansy walked out of the back room and stopped dead when she saw him. Draco immediately waved his white napkin and smiled, "A truce perhaps? I only want to talk to you Pans. You have no idea how much I've missed you?"

"I have no idea? Actually I'm quite sure I understand better than anyone Draco; but it has taken me nearly two decades to realize that I can have a life without you." She paused and started wiping the counter. Finally she looked up and took a deep breath when her eyes locked onto his, "What do you want to talk about?"

He chuckled and his smile caused Pansy's smile to finally surface, "Tell me about the last three years…owning this place."

Draco hated that Pansy seemed so uneasy around him and the realization that they really did not know each other any longer was more than unsettling. He hoped by avoiding everything other than her recent past that she would not run away or send Blaise in to attack again. He watched as she poured two glasses of whiskey and pushed one across the bar, "Thank you."

"Sure," she tapped her glass on the bar top and downed in quickly before pouring herself another and finishing it off. When she finally looked up at Draco's surprised expression she laughed, "Sorry…I've done a lot of drinking in this pub. So what were we talking about?"

"Dinner…would you be willing to entertain a dinner invitation for tomorrow night? We can relax, you can tell me all about how you acquired a Muggle pub and how you have adapted to life in America…" he trailed off and took a long drink before continuing, "Please…I promise that we do not even have to talk about anything other than what you're doing now. I just want to know you again Pans…I can't help myself."

The evidence of Pansy's resistance was written all over her face, but she finally smiled shyly, "All right…but I get to pick the place."

"Fair enough; should I arrange a car to pick you up here or –"

"Just come here after you're done working…we'll walk." Pansy smiled as she walked away to wait on a customer across the bar.

_Dinner is a start. _Draco finished his drink and deciding not to press his luck he smiled as Pansy returned, "I'm going to get out of here then…and I'll see you tomorrow."

"You're leaving?" Pansy blushed instantly at her question, "I mean…you don't have to leave on my account. I can pour you another drink or –"

"I don't want to risk that I will say or do something tonight that will keep you from wanting to go tomorrow so…until then you are free of me." The blond smiled and continued softly, "Have a good evening Pansy."

"You too," she smiled and seemed more comfortable than she had since they reconnected. "Be careful out there…some of the Muggles around here bite."

"Well if they drink in a pub named after a dragon they'd better," he smiled once more and walked to the door with a new sense of triumph. _That's the Pans I love._

*.*.*.*

Promptly at six o'clock the next day Draco walked into _The Piasa_ and found Blaise sitting at the bar. The blond walked somewhat nervously toward him and smiled, "Please tell me you are not here to say she isn't coming."

"No she's just finishing up in the back. I'm here to tell you if for some reason she comes back here tonight damaged I will kill you." Blaise smiled and slapped Draco's back, "Have a brilliant evening," then walked into the back room.

Minutes later Pansy emerged wearing a green sundress with a white wrap. She watched Draco's eyes light up and she immediately blushed and looked down, "Hi…"

The blond moved closer to her and smiled nervously, "You look beautiful."

She looked up at him and started to say something, but smiled instead and whispered, "Thank you," then looked down again.

Their exchange was awkward, but not in the distant and painful way it was days before. For all intents and purposes this was actually their first real date; and although Draco did not chose to share his realization with Pansy he became determined to show her the best evening she would allow. "So…where are we going…and am I appropriate?" He looked down at his black dress pants, green button up topped off with a well fitting black jacket then back up at her questioningly.

"You're perfect; it's a small family owned Italian restaurant. They feed me at least once a week and the food is better than anything we ever got at the castle even so you know it's divine." Pansy smiled as Draco extended his arm to her and she took it without hesitation. "Its not far from here and it's a really nice night."

"I place myself comfortably in your hands for the evening. Let's go dine with Muggles." He smiled and they walked from the pub.

The conversation on the way to the restaurant remained light and generally unimportant. When they finally arrived and were seated Draco found it nearly impossible to take his eyes off Pansy though he tried desperately to keep the conversation going. They continued their casual banter while they ordered and both seemed more comfortable as the evening progressed.

The waitress returned and set down two glasses and a bottle of the house's finest wine; after allowing Draco a tasting she filled their glasses and smiled, "Can I bring you anything else right now?"

"No thank you we are fine for now," Draco smiled and once the waitress was gone he raised his glass to Pansy, "To getting reacquainted."

She smiled and tapped her glass delicately against Draco's then took a long drink. "So Blaise tells me you have a kid?" Her expression gave away her surprise at the first thing to be blurted from her mouth and she took another long drink. Once her glass was empty she reached for the bottle and chuckled softly, "Sorry I am very nervous."

"Please do not be nervous with me of all people Pans; and since you've broken the ice with the first question I will answer. I have a son, Scorpius…he will be four next month." Draco winced only slightly at the reminder of Scorpius' birth date then smiled hoping Pansy had not noticed.

"What was that look for?" Pansy chuckled and waited with excited anticipation for Draco's response.

The blond rolled his eyes and took a drink of his wine, "He was born July 31st…" Draco trailed off as Pansy started to laugh, "Yes it's so amusing."

"I wonder if…well…" this time Pansy trailed off, but she recovered quickly and with a cheery tone, "So tell me about him; I bet he's just a little version of you."

"I'm quite certain if you set my childhood photo next to his it might be difficult to tell the difference. Let's hope he turns out at least a bit better adjusted than I did." Draco took a deep breath and a minute to appreciate how much he actually missed home despite the fact that he was so happy to be sitting across from Pansy finally.

Taking note of Draco's internal distraction the dark haired woman interrupted the silence, "Well little Scorpius has an incredible father so I'm sure he's brilliant. Unfortunately you were not so lucky. And honestly, since you brought it up the other night that I spoke with Astoria in Diagon Alley I will say that she seems lovely as well. Are you happy?"

He looked at her somewhat startled by the question, but answered without hesitation, "I am…and for the most part I have been." He paused and looked down before blurting, "I'm sorry you can not say the same."

"Do you remember the rules in the cottage…of things you could apologize for and things I would not accept your regrets for because they were not your fault? I have my own regrets about the last ten years Draco so let's just say we're even." Pansy reached for the wine bottle and filled both of their glasses. "So since Scorpius shares Harry's birthday are you worried he'll be sorted into Gryffindor?"

"Bite…your…tongue!" Draco laughed and took a long drink before continuing mindlessly, "So since his sacred name has been spoken…how is it that you became so chummy with Potter?" _For example at what point did you start referring to him by his first name?_ He was irritated; still as soon as it came out of his mouth the blond started back peddling, "I am so sorry…that is none of my –"

Pansy shifted uncomfortably in her seat, but her smile did not diminish as she responded, "Its all right…I knew when I accepted this invitation that you would have questions and honestly it is unfair to deny you the truth so…I met Harry at St. Mungo's in a Healer capacity. It was appropriate at that time that I apologize and I did so and he accepted it; in fact he told me it was unnecessary and apologized himself for things he had absolutely no control over. It's strange that is only one of many things that you two have in common." Pansy laughed at the disgusted look on Draco's face, "I guess you could say that it just sort of happened. He is really –"

"Don't even finish…I accept that you are friends with him and I appreciate all that he has done for you, but…I'm sorry I can not help but hate it." He smiled and when she started to laugh he continued, "So does he know you're here or are you still hiding out?"

The waitress interrupted Pansy's response as she approached and put their meals on the table, "Can I bring you anything else?"

Pansy looked at the brilliant food on the table and smiled at the waitress, "Just another bottle of wine Lyn and then I think we'll be all set."

"Sure thing Pans…enjoy!" The waitress smiled once more and within minutes returned with another bottle of wine as requested.

The conversation over dinner shifted to lighter topics from Scorpius using magic for the first time to Pansy taking her driving test. Once their dessert plates were cleared Pansy poured them both another glass of wine and sighed, "I'm really glad I accepted this invitation. For all the years I've been dodging you it is nice to sit here and just look at you." As soon as she finished speaking she put her head down to hide her dark crimson blush. "I've obviously had a lot of wine."

"If it makes you comfortable around me again then I will order another bottle." His eyes were waiting for hers and when she finally looked up and he saw the return of the twinkle he had longed for he could only smile.

Pansy did not break the intense eye contact between them as she raised her hand and suddenly there was a waitress at the table. Finally she looked quickly from Draco, "Can we have two espressos please?" She reengaged with Draco when the waitress walked away and smiled, "One thing you and I never knew how to do was stop before we destroyed everything around us. We both seem to travel a pretty path now so I think we should exercise caution."

"Are we even Slytherin anymore?" Draco chuckled and looked down at the tiny cup of dark liquid the waitress placed in front of him.

Pansy thanked the waitress then responded to Draco's question, "I can sometimes feel my inner rebel forcing her way through, but for the most part the Slytherin in me feels broken." She paused when Draco had still not looked up from the cup on the table then laughed quietly, "What's your problem then?"

"What is this?" He looked up at her and his eyebrow arched, "It looks…thick…"

"Its espresso…strongly brewed coffee if you will," she took a sip her own drink and continued to laugh, "I didn't brew it so right there you can be sure it won't kill you. Just try it you big baby."

Draco shot her a playful glare then picked up the cup, "Is the cup so small because you can only handle this much at once before your heart speeds up and explodes?" He smiled when Pansy rolled her eyes and unwillingly he took a small sip then set the cup down quickly. The sudden need to wipe his tongue with his napkin was difficult to suppress and he finally blurted, "That is repulsive Pansy. Honestly…did Potter introduce you to that or is it the Muggles who are warping your taste buds?"

She finished off her cup and smiled, "I had at least heard of it when I was younger, but I tried it my first time in America and loved it." She reached across the table to grab Draco's cup when he took her left hand and looked down at her ring. She smiled sadly and broke the silence, "I know this isn't the first time you realized that I still wear it."

"No…I saw it at the St. Mungo's benefit and that first night when you were suddenly just standing in front of me at the pub." Finally Draco let go of her hand and looked up, "Can I ask why?"

"Do you really have to?" Pansy mindlessly turned the ring on her finger and was obviously fighting to hold her eyes on his. "I guess its just my opinion that you would never take off an engagement ring unless you did not want to be married to the person that gave it to you; and there has never been a day since you gave this to me that I did not think at least a hundred times a day how much I wanted to be your wife. Does it make you uncomfortable that I still –"

"No…" Draco paused, not sure why he had even interrupted when he could not begin to figure out what he wanted to say. "I think it's sad…that this happened to us at all because I feel the exact same way. And I know it seemed like just another instance when I did not fight for you, but I was so afraid of what he would do and it ends up he did his worst anyway."

As soon as the conversation returned to Lucius it was almost as if Pansy cowered in her chair. Her smile faded and was replaced with a haunted expression, "He would have killed us I have no doubt. I won't lie…at first I could not understand _how_ you could not fight to be with me, and the night that I found you at the Leaky Cauldron I knew that eventually he would drive us apart again and that you would allow it. It was in the years which followed that I began to understand why…that I was able to comprehend the consequences for rebellion against him."

Again Draco's imagination went crazy as he considered the many possibilities wrapped up in Pansy's cryptic statement. After an uncomfortable pause he responded, "I'm sure you know that Lucius is dead. If you ever wanted to come back to London you no longer have to fear him." Draco smiled sadly when Pansy looked up at him, "Of course you have quite the life here from what I can see."

"There are too many other demons in London; and the magical world as a whole has not been kind. Pretty much after my daughter died I knew –"

"Your _daughter_?" Draco leaned across the table and could not make anything else come out of his mouth.

Pansy's entire demeanor changed and she took a deep breath. Her hands were shaking a top the table and she looked up at him sadly, "I am so sorry I should not have just blurted that out like that."

"When were you…it's wasn't that Ri –"

"No…thank God." She paused again, obviously trying to work out how she was going to explain then finally continued, "I made some disappointing choices around the time of your wedding. That particular choice did not remain a part of my life, but I ended up with a beautiful little girl as a result..." Tears welled in Pansy's eyes and she ran her fingers through her hair. "For a while anyway…"

"Pansy I am so very sorry…you don't have to tell me anymore." _Did Lucius kill her daughter? _Draco started to panic, but was relieved when Pansy interrupted his mind wandering.

"It's ok…now that it's out there…she is actually how I came across Harry in the first place. Her name was Emma and she developed a blood infection that took us to St. Mungo's. Harry was her Healer and he worked tirelessly to help her. At one point he developed a treatment, and for a while she was brilliant again, but unfortunately there was only so much that could be done and –"

"Is that when you wrote me the letter?" Draco could not imagine losing Scorpius and seeing the pain that washed across Pansy's face in waves was heartbreaking. When she nodded he reached for her hand, "I did not receive it. I only found it last year while going though my father's things. I would have come to you and helped you by any means necessary."

She squeezed his hand and smiled as she pulled hers away and dried her eyes, "I knew that. It was silly of me to think that any correspondence from me would have ever found you. He made it abundantly clear that I needed to stay away and the last message he sent I received loud and clear. That is when I disappeared…and then Blaise found me four years ago, helped me pull myself together and here we are. But now you understand why I am friends with Harry…and the Weasley's, Ginny most especially, they were brilliant during that time."

"I'm glad to know that you were not alone and I am elated to see that you have happiness now…even if it is running with the chosen one and living with Muggles." Draco's smile was sad and he reached over to take her hand again, "Thank you for trusting me with the truth Pansy. I am pained by your loss, but I imagine Emma was absolutely brilliant."

"Right down to her crush on Harry Potter…she was perfect." Pansy smiled and looked down as she started to blush.

Draco rolled his eyes, "Do you have a crush on Harry bloody Potter?"

"Of course not…but Blaise used to have a little thing for Ginny. I knew it all along!" She giggled then continued quietly, "Besides I've no room in my life for men. No offense, but you all just mess things up." Pansy pulled her hand away and dried her eyes.

_Is it wrong that her statement makes me very happy because I do not want her with anyone else? _Draco pulled himself from distraction and chuckled, "Well it is most appreciated that you do not have any sort of romantic attachment to the bloody chosen one. Still, and painful as it is to admit, I would hope that there will be someone for you to spend the rest of your life with." _Like me…_

"That's what I have Blaise for," she reached for the bill when the waitress put it down and smiled as Draco's hand rested a top hers, "I've got this."

Draco magically pulled the bill from underneath her hand and looked it over once it was in his, "I can only imagine what you have become accustomed to living here, however in my company you will be treated as a lady and I will be paying for the dinner that I invited you to." He rolled his eyes and looked up at her beaming smile, "Though I should make you pay for those disturbing drinks you ordered."

"Thank you Draco…for not giving up and walking away the other night when I asked you to…and for dinner of course." She looked down shyly and pulled the white wrap around her shoulders; finally she continued quietly, "When will your assignment here be done?"

_I'm not going back._ "Should be the day after tomorrow, but I'm expecting several return trips to see it to completion." _Please look at me and say you will just come back to London with me. _Draco watched impatiently for Pansy to look up and when she finally did there were new tears building her eyes, "Pans I –"

"I had way too much wine!" She dried her eyes and stood from the table, "You pay and I will meet you outside…some air will stop the weepiness."

Before Draco could respond Pansy rushed off. He immediately worried that she would decide to run away so he stood quickly and handed the waitress a hundred dollar bill, "The rest is yours." He rushed out the door, embarrassed immediately by his pace and frantic appearance when he arrived outside and found Pansy waiting patiently on a bench. "You're still here…" _Stop talking now Malfoy!_

"You expected me to flee?" She blushed and looked down as she continued, "Suppose I can not blame you there." Suddenly Pansy felt Draco's hand take hers; she closed her eyes and took a deep breath then looked up at him, "I think it's possible that I underestimated how much I actually missed you."

"Well then…where are we going now?" Draco squeezed Pansy's hand and started back toward the pub. _You have a wife and child waiting for you at home Malfoy…be careful._

"Back to the pub…"

_Already?_ Draco was not even close to being ready to say goodnight and started feeling desperate to hold onto to Pansy for dear life. "You can't stay away from that place can you?"

"I'd sleep in that pub if Blaise would let me. I feel more at home there than I have anywhere since…well…in a long time." She smiled and swung their entwined hands back and forth, "We're open for a few more hours…if you wanted to come in and have a drink."

Draco smiled down at her and squeezed her hand tight, "I'd love that."

*.*.*.*

Pansy walked to the end of the bar and nudged Colleen who was staring at Draco across the room, "Are you serious?"

"I'm sorry Pans…I had no idea your ex was so incredibly…beautiful. There is no other way to describe him." The redhead smiled apologetically, but still returned her eyes to Draco. "You should figure out a way to bottle him; I'd pay top dollar." She sighed dreamily and continued with her gaze.

"Not if you don't have a job anymore because I fire your ass before I kick it." Pansy was smiling when the girl looked at her, "Not that I can blame you, but at the same time he is so far off limits I can not stress it enough."

"I would never…just like the view is all," she smiled, took the broom from Pansy's hand and went to the back room.

Pansy walked over and sat down across from Draco, "You and Harry…always distracting my staff."

He raised an eyebrow then looked around, "What are you talking about?"

"Well Colleen…my redheaded waitress has been staring at you dreamily for the last fifteen minutes and any time Madi comes in contact with Harry she starts acting like a fourteen year old girl." Pansy chuckled as she sat back and observed the disgusted expression on Draco's face.

"Who is Madi?"

"The dark haired waitress that has been dating Blaise for the last two years and –"

"Wait," Draco paused to laugh, "Zabini's fairy is in love with Potter? That is priceless." The blond sat back and continued to laugh until Pansy interrupted.

"You didn't think it was so brilliant when you thought I was the one with the crush on the chosen one." She smiled as Draco's amusement faded, "And she's not in love with Potter she's in love with Blaise."

He took a long drink of the whiskey Pansy set down in front of him and started blurting, "So you don't use magic at all anymore do you?"

She shook her head and looked down into her glass, "Not really…when I absolutely need to, but I find most things can be accomplished without it. That was random."

"I was just curious if you only refrained when you were here because of all the Muggles. What about Blaise…you know when Madi's not around?" Draco finished off his drink and poured another.

"What makes you think Madi is a Muggle…or a fairy for that matter? She developed that pint size crush on Harry during the Triwizard Tournament." Pansy downed her drink and held out her glass for Draco to replenish, "And occasionally we all get into _magic_ mode, but like I said before…the magical world never provided me the opportunities I've found here." Pansy was interrupted by a gray and black owl coasting in through an open window and landing on the table next to Draco. "Obviously the place is equipped for magical travelers though."

Draco removed a piece of parchment from the owl's foot then looked around as the bird flew from the table and back out the window. He looked back at Pansy with concern, "I am so sorry about that…do you think anyone –"

"It's certainly not the first owl the regulars have seen in here…no worries." She looked at the parchment and it seemed to sadden her as she watched Draco open the letter and read to himself.

_Draco,_

_I've no idea if you will even receive this before leaving America. Tom at the Leaky Cauldron said there is a pub in Chicago called The Piasa that receives magical post and that the owner will find you. Ironically the Piasa is supposedly some kind of dragon so I imagine my luck is good that this will arrive in your hands safely._

_I should have told you straight away that nothing is wrong and you need not worry. I simply could not wait to tell you all about the potion your son drank this afternoon…I think you've probably heard of it…Polyjuice Potion. Suddenly Harry Potter was standing in our living room and I literally fell off the sofa. I have not yet decided if I am more angry or amused, but either way your lab has very advanced security spells all over it now. In any event Scorpius is fine and has returned to himself. I just found the irony in you not locking up your lab like we discussed and of all the bottles to choose from he selected…the chosen one. I took photos to preserve the experience for you. We can talk about why you have Harry Potter Polyjuice Potion at all when you return._

_We love and miss you and can not wait for you to be home. Hope work is well and that the Muggles are being kind. I apologize for any Muggle interaction this post may cause, but hopefully hearing from me was worth it._

_All my love,_

_Astoria_

Pansy interrupted the silence after a few minutes, "She must miss you terribly."

He looked up startled for a moment then smiled, "Scorpius got into my lab and found the supply of Polyjuice Potion –"

"Oh my…I know what that supply once contained. Is he all right?" Her expression was concerned until Draco rolled his eyes and then she could not hold back her laughter, "Scorpius found a bottle of liquid Potter didn't he? It makes perfect sense if you think about –"

"He's fine…and returned to himself. This all happened yesterday and I am so glad I was not there to see it; though Astoria took photos and…" Draco trailed off and looked from the parchment to Pansy's saddened expression, "I wish that I could stop making you look so sad Pans. I miss them terribly, but I do not know that I could ever tell you in words how much I wish things were different…that it was you waiting for me at home." He looked down again and realized that he only had two more days and then he would be off to the magical world. _And I will bet that even if I return here someday…you will again be long gone._

"We had our time; albeit shorter than we would have liked, it will still always be ours. But that time is over now and at least you know you have somewhere to call home and you seem to really love it there. I don't have to imagine how much they love you." She sighed heavily and started to get up from the table, "You should get some sleep though…work tomorrow and all."

Draco reached out and grabbed her arm as she started from the table. He stood quickly and pulled her into a tight hug; much more comfortable and real than the first night he had seen her. At first Pansy wrapped her arms loosely around his waist, but when he buried his face in her hair he could feel her grip tighten and it made him smile as tears welled up in his eyes. After many quiet moments he pulled away just enough to look down at her and gently ran his hand down the side of her face, "I have to see you again before I go back. Can I come here tomorrow and –"

"You can come here anytime you want, but I meant what I said earlier; we will let this all get confusing and hurtful if we're not careful. I had a lovely evening with you and should you decide to come back by the pub I'll be here, but…its still going to end in goodbye and I'll understand if you decide that its easier to just get that out of the way right now." She rested her head against his chest and inhaled deeply then looked back up at him, "And maybe I'll see you again sometime."

Pansy started to pull away, but Draco held her hand and waited for her to turn around, "I'll see you tomorrow." He forced a smile as she pulled her hand free and walked behind the bar and to the back room. When the blond walked outside he half expected to find Blaise ready to challenge him to a duel for making Pansy cry, but free from any battles that were not internal he disapparated back to the hotel.

_21 June 2010_

_All these years…all the attempts to find her and she was invisible to everything I tried. Then I come to America of all places, walk into some little pub and there she is…what are the chances? And now that I've found her what on earth am I to do? I expected so many things from the moment that we reconnected…swelling orchestral music in the background as we ran across the room and flew into each other's arms. At the same time part of me expected that she would hate me, yell at me, hit me…throw me out and tell me never to return. She tried I guess, but she gave up far too easily. I can tell that she is saying what she considers responsible…what needs to be said to keep me from ruining my life and hers in the process, but I can also see that she would run with me if I asked. Should I ask? I want to ask and now Lucius is gone; if we wanted to we could go where no one would ever be able to find us. Blaise is about the only one I would worry about tracking us, but if he knew Pansy was happy why would he? Would Astoria even come looking or would she just know?_

_THIS IS NOT FAIR! I can not have them both; I can not leave either behind. Still what other reason would fate have had for bringing me into that pub that night? After all this time why now just when I had finally accepted it was never even possible? I have dreamt about holding her in my arms again and now that I can still smell her on my clothes, have a vivid image of her in my head again; I still can not have her. Perhaps the time for my atonement has finally arrived._

*.*.*.*

As promised, Draco returned to _The Piasa_ the following evening and sat down at the bar. Within seconds Colleen was standing in front of him smiling, "Good evening, what can I bring you?"

"Pansy," he looked up and smiled, "And a whiskey while I wait."

The redhead poured a glass and pushed it toward him, "She's in back…I'll send her out." She tripped when she turned, but recovered quickly and rushed to the back room.

Draco chuckled and took a long drink then looked up and saw Pansy walking toward him. A huge smile washed across his face and he started to greet her, but the dark haired woman spoke first.

"You just caught me…another few minutes and we'd have missed each other." She smiled as she walked over and refilled his glass. "Are you all right? You looked wrecked. Too much wine and whiskey last night…maybe I should cut you off right now and –"

"Come back to London with me…" Draco took a deep breath after he blurted his thoughts out involuntarily, but he was not sorry he did. He reached over and took her trembling hand, "I can not leave you Pans. I thought about it all last night and I simply can not figure out a way to say goodbye…again…I won't."

Pansy pulled her hand from his and looked down, "Do you think this is any easier for me, Draco? Do you think that everything inside of me has not been screaming yes to that question of will I go anywhere with you since the day you walked in here? But I can't…we can't…_everything_ has changed except for the fact that you and I are over…" Tears fell furiously down Pansy's face and she started to walk away.

Without thought Draco rushed around the bar and stopped her from walking into the back room, "Why do we have to be over? The only thing stopping us after that night at the Leaky Cauldron was my father and he's gone now."

"Yes, but _now_ you are in love with your wife and she has your child. I know this feels impossible, but not nearly as devastating an effect as leaving them would have on you. If we were meant to be we would have been, but –"

"You hardly gave us a chance Love. I've spent most of the last decade tracking you down and now you're here and I will not let you get away again." He took her hands and pulled her close, but she interrupted before he could continue.

"I'm not going anywhere Draco…including London. You will always know where to find me now, but…maybe it's not a good idea that you call on me again." Pansy started to pull away, but Draco wrapped his arms around her and she sighed as the feeling of powerlessness rushed through her. After a few quiet minutes she pulled away and reached up to hold his face, "I spent the last ten years running to keep us all safe; and now that we no longer need protection from Lucius all my energy can go towards protecting us from ourselves."

Draco placed his hand over hers and pulled them around his waist before wrapping his arms tightly around her, "How can you even fathom what you are asking Pans?"

"Because we have both worked far too hard to become these people; we have to say goodbye Draco…it's the only way." Fresh tears fell down Pansy's face as she pulled away from him and started to back up toward the back room, "I love you…that has not changed."

"I love you too…" he trailed off and fought to grab her, but she rushed through the swinging door and by the time he followed she was gone from sight.

He ran his fingers through his hair and chuckled sarcastically, "Magic only when she _needs_ to." The tears welling in his eyes finally started to fall and suddenly he felt a comforting hand on his back; he looked up to find Colleen standing close.

"Why don't you come and have a seat in the office? I'll make sure you are not disturbed and you can stay as long as you like…or at least until we close." She smiled and led him toward a small office; she walked him to the sofa and made him sit, "Can I bring you anything?"

Draco shook his head and continued looking down at the floor, "Thank you for your kindness. I just need a moment and I will be gone."

"Well if you need anything else I'll be up front. Oh…and don't disapparate from in here. For whatever reason we always end up splinched when we do; if you step outside the office you should be fine." She smiled at his surprise, "You thought I was a Muggle didn't you? It's all right…just means I'm putting on a good show. Anyway, I'll leave you now…" she smiled once more sadly and closed the door behind her.

There were too many thoughts rushing through Draco's head to keep up and he could not comprehend, let alone accept, what Pansy asked. That this would be the last time he would ever see her again was a more impossible reality than it had been the ten years prior. He had one more day before he had to return to convince her that they could be friends at least if they only tried. It was not what he wanted, but it was more realistic than dying without ever seeing her face again. After a few minutes he pulled out his wand and against the advice of the caring waitress he disapparated from the office.

*.*.*.*

Draco finished up his case work the following morning and by one o'clock he was standing outside _The Piasa_. He took a deep breath, unsure what to expect upon walking through the door, but whatever happened he had to at least see Pansy once more. He pushed the door open and walked into the empty pub where he found Blaise sitting at _the _booth. The blond looked around the pub and then retuned his focus to his old friend who was obviously awaiting his arrival. Draco's heart sank as he walked over and flopped down into the booth, "Let me guess…"

"I suppose I could…but it's not what you think." He looked down at the bandage on Draco's hand, "Punching walls again?"

"No…I apparated from a bad spot –"

Blaise tried to hold back a chuckle, "The office? It's a splinching nightmare." He composed himself as Draco showed no signs of amusement. "Pansy had plans to leave town this weekend long before you showed up here. She left last night and since I understand you are leaving this evening she asked me to meet you here and give you this." Blaise held out a piece of parchment which Draco practically ripped from his hands, opened and read quietly.

_22 June 2010_

_Dear Draco,_

_I'm sorry I disappeared tonight, but…it was for the best and I'm hoping at least by morning you agree. If not, once you see your family again you will and either way I did what I thought I had to…like I have tried to do from the beginning. _

_It was truly amazing to see you again; I would not trade one awkward, tense, emotionally gut clawing moment of perfection. It felt a lot like the old days of Hogwarts really; good and bad I realize how much that time in my life molded who I am now. I hope if nothing more you saw how much I like the person I have become. I absolutely adored the new you; proud and loving father, doting husband…I could tell without you having to say a word. _

_Please know that I did not leave town because of you…I honestly did have this holiday planned and it's very important that I go. Somehow I imagine that we will meet again, but I implore you to let this week be the last of your confusing moments. You can love me without dishonoring yourself and your family, Draco and I believe you will figure out how to manage it. Forgive yourself because you have no apologies left to make to me. Perhaps someday I will make my own amends, but for now I will thank you for keeping your promise to me and request that you enjoy every splendid thing destiny has in store for you._

_I realize you are probably pissed that I had Blaise wait for you; he was not amused by the request either. One of my many hopes is that someday you two will make peace…more than co-exist…be friends again. I suppose only time will tell. Take care of yourself Malfoy…_

_Love,_

_Pansy_

Draco folded the parchment and slipped it in his jacket pocket, "Will she come back?"

"I certainly hope so," Blaise poured Draco a drink and then himself. He took a long gulp and continued quietly, "She went to Emma's grave; just like every single weekend for the last three and a half years."

"She told you then…that she shared the story of her daughter with me…" Draco took a long drink and a million questions rushed to the front of his mind. He looked up at Blaise and blurted, "Did my father kill Emma?"

"A blood infection killed Emma," Blaise paused and finished off his glass, "Is it possible that you could just cherish the moments you and Pansy shared this week and not let this turn into something that ruins your life? I know you have been blissfully happy throughout the years," he paused again and smiled when Draco's eyebrow arched, "She made me check up on you from time to time."

"Well that is hardly fair," Draco smiled and considered what Blaise had requested, "I can never thank you enough for all that you do for her. And I suppose what I can do for her now is take your advice, be grateful that I saw her for myself, and let the past go."

Blaise poured them each a bit more whiskey and raised his glass, "If you promise to take care of yourself I promise I will take care of Pans. As long as she's happy that is all that matters."

Draco tapped his glass, "I'll do my best," then downed the shot. He set the glass down and smiled sadly at Blaise, "Well…I guess I should be going then."

"Did you want a ride to the airport?"

"Astoria actually arranged a portkey for me to get home. There were issues when I came out here, but I think I would rather swim home than get on another Muggle airplane." He smiled as he stood and extended his hand, "Good seeing you Blaise. Try and take care of yourself too."

Blaise stood and shook Draco's hand, "I have a girlfriend for that."

"Yes I never did officially meet your lady friend, but I understand she has some Gryffindor tendencies." The blond smiled as he started towards the door.

"They all do actually…girls in general…they all end up with these twisted little crushes on Potter and the Weasleys and –"

"The Weasleys…you'd know all about that eh?" Draco continued to laugh and just before he walked through the door he turned at Blaise's interruption.

"So she told you about the five minutes I noticed the littlest Weasley, but nothing of all the dinners she had at the Burrow? I'm sure she also left out her five day pub crawl through Dublin with George, Angelina, Ron, Hermione, Harry and Ginny…in fact I think even the two older ones were there and –"

Draco put his hands up and scrunched his face, "Zabini…just…stop talking. You let her _crawl_ around Dublin with _Granger_?"

"She and Hermione phone each other weekly." Blaise continued to chuckle as Draco took in the reality of Pansy's new world. "She is going to kill me when she finds out I told you any of this."

The blonde's face still expressed his disgust as he responded, "I will never bring this up. The mere thought of it makes me ill. I actually can not determine which is more unsettling; the idea that she is friends with them, or the idea that she is friends with them and _not_ me." Draco smiled sadly before nodding his goodbye and walking out the door.

He apparated back to the hotel and tried to suppress all of the week's emotions as he finished packing. With a few minutes before his portkey was to leave he sat down at the desk and opened his book of parchment.

_23 June 2010_

_I am a bloody disaster right now and I have been since I arrived in America. Correction…I have been a bloody disaster since I walked into Pansy's pub that she named after a bloody dragon; with a lion's mane for her Gryffindor. This afternoon I found out all about her becoming an honorary member of the Weasley family and having weekly telephone conversations with Granger. I'm not sure I even have the capacity to deal with all of that information at the moment because there is already too much happening inside me. I have been a bloody disaster since Pansy walked into my life when I was eleven years old; there are days when I wish she was still just following me around everywhere I went, but she proved to me this time that she'll never chase after me again. I do not want to leave America and I can not believe I have to let her go again. Still what are my alternatives; leave my family? Have the affair she did not want to have ten years ago; even though I still say the only reason she left is because my father made her. _

_She has a wonderful life, runs her own pub, and seems happy. The reality of Emma's death is heartbreaking; the idea of Pansy having a child with someone else…also heartbreaking. I asked Blaise if my father was involved in Emma's death and he said no…well technically he did not say no, but…I guess I do not understand what motives Lucius had for continuing to go after Pansy? Why send Riley to mess with her life and why drive her away permanently? She had a child with someone else, obviously she was headed toward her own life and I had certainly not had any contact with her so…_

Draco paused for a long time and his imagination started running wild as his quill crashed back against the page.

_When Astoria saw Pansy in Diagon Alley did she have Emma with her? Did she know that Pansy had a child…and did she mention it to my father and he pursued Pansy to make sure that she did not have the Malfoy heir? She couldn't have… Emma could not have been…mine…right?_

He stared at the page for a few moments then saw the time and quickly placed his parchment book in his bag, grabbed his other bag and then held tight to the silver candlestick on the dresser until he disappeared from the room.

*.*.*.*

"Daddy!" Scorpius ran toward Draco and threw himself into open arms. He wrapped his arms tight around Draco's neck and whispered, "I love you."

Draco hugged him as tight as he could; the biggest smile beamed on his face, "I love you too. Did you and your mum have a good week?"

Astoria approached with a huge smile of her own, "We had a brilliant time, but he really missed his daddy." When she finally reached Draco she pulled him into a kiss then smiled, "We both did."

"I missed you both too," he kissed Scorpius' head then Astoria's and closed his eyes when his mind started to wander. _But I want to go back to America right now!_

Astoria lifted Draco's bags with her wand and started walking up the stairs, "You two go and relax in the living room. I'll be right down and you can tell us all about your trip."

He set Scorpius down and watched him dart back into the living room. Draco followed quickly and sat behind his son on the floor; watching him play with magically moving action figures on the coffee table. He laughed as Scorpius told the figures to do something and then frantically moved them around the table; obviously dictated by the story in his little head. After a few moments Draco sat back on the sofa and started tuning the action out so he could focus on the prior week, but suddenly something Scorpius said caught his attention.

"Your mission…save Princess Emma…and bring her back to the castle safe!"

Draco quickly sat on the floor and looked at Scorpius with a haunted expression, "What is the name of your princess?"

The little blond boy looked up at him and smiled, "Princess Emma," he picked up the small moving figure of a little girl with curly blond hair and violet eyes that smiled and waved over and over. "She was taken by the bad man…and the guards have to save her and bring her back to the castle…so we can play." Scorpius quickly went back to his figures.

"Have you played with an Emma before?" He watched for some sort of confirmation and finally the little blond smiled up at his father.

"Before…before you and mummy were there," he returned to his figures once more and paid no attention to Draco as he stood up and sat back on the sofa.

The blond ran his fingers through his hair and was staring at the little princess figure at the top of a tower made of books. _Long before…before Astoria and I were there. What does that mean? And of all the names that he could have chosen why Emma? He must have heard it somewhere or…_ Suddenly without thought Draco blurted loudly, "Astoria…can you come down here please?"

Astoria appeared immediately in the living room; her bright smile faded as she observed the expression on Draco's face, "What's wrong?"

"Nothing…you can unpack later…come sit with us." Draco patted the seat next to him and put his arm around her shoulder when she sat. They watched Scorpius play for a few quiet minutes when Draco interrupted, "Scorpius, tell your mum the story of the guards mission."

Scorpius turned excitedly and started talking quickly, "These are the guards and they have to go…to that tower over there…because the bad man took Princess Emma and I want them to bring her back so we can play."

Astoria giggled and leaned forward towards Scorpius, "And how are they doing on their mission?"

"They see Emma…when they sleep, but they can't find her." The little boy's happy expression faded and he turned back to the table and started yelling at his action figures. "Go…find her…NOW!"

Draco looked over at Astoria who seemed unaffected by the story and he whispered, "He seems pretty upset that they can't find her."

"Well she is a princess after all." She smiled, but it faded when Draco did not smile in return, "What is the matter?"

"Has he ever played with anyone named Emma? He just said something really strange a few minutes ago that makes me think he's heard the name before or –"

"You know everyone I know and we do not know anyone named Emma. He probably heard it in Diagon Alley or…" she trailed off and looked from Scorpius back to Draco quickly, "What did he say?"

"He said he played with Emma before we were there."

Astoria laughed quietly, "He's almost four Love…he has a more vivid imagination than we remember ever having ourselves. How on earth could he have known anyone before he knew us?" She leaned over and kissed Draco's head as she stood up, "Are you hungry?"

"No…I am tired though…would you mind terribly if I lay down for a bit?" He forced a smile and started toward the foyer before she responded.

"Are you sure you're all right?"

"Brilliant…" he trailed off and faked a yawn, "Just happy to lie down in my own bed." Draco smiled once more then rushed up the staircase and into the bedroom.

_23 June 2010_

_I'm home…and I can not wait to go back. Scorpius named his princess Emma. He said that they used to play…before he met me and Astoria. I feel smothered under the possible secrets hanging over me…_

_Was Emma my daughter? Did Astoria know about her all along…in fact was that the brilliant little girl she saw in Diagon Alley that had her crying so many years ago? Did Lucius know and is that the reason he continued to terrorize Pansy? Did Lucius kill Emma?_

Draco flipped to the back of his book and pulled out the stack of letters he had found in his father's study and started putting together the possible pieces of the puzzle.

_15 October 2000_

_Mr. Malfoy,_

_You indicated that I should alert you immediately if anything happened. Your son and his wife came into The Cupboard this evening. Pansy saw them, but I do not believe that the young Mr. Malfoy saw her. Still such a meeting could derail all that you have been working toward and I wanted you to know this latest development. _

_The emotional breakdown it caused however allowed me to further solidify my relationship with Ms. Parkinson. I told you that it would simply be a matter of time. I will continue to keep you apprised of my progress…you work on keeping your son out of London in the interim._

_R. M._

Draco read the letter and blurted in a whisper to himself, "Obviously this is the night Astoria and I went to that Muggle pub to celebrate my promotion. Pansy was the one who dropped the tray of glasses…when she saw us. She was right there for me to save and yet again I could not deliver."

_8 February 2001_

_Mr. Malfoy,_

_It happened today…everyone is well and I as always await further instruction._

_R. M._

"What happened? Was that the day Emma was born? Was that the day I saw Pansy in the hospital? It had to be and…again I could have helped her, but I ran off because Blaise told me to. Is that why she was so determined to stay away from me…because Emma was mine? She was probably right on the other side of the door and I never knew."

_8 March 2001_

_Mr. Malfoy,_

_Just as you predicted Pansy confessed everything tonight. She told me she was a witch, told me about the past…everything about your son. I was worried when we ran into you and your wife this afternoon that the plan would be compromised, however Pansy opened up and sang like a bird._

_All of your suspicions are confirmed…I anticipate your return with further instructions._

_R. M._

"All suspicions confirmed. He saw Emma that day and questioned if she was the Malfoy heir. But if all suspicions were confirmed than Emma had to be mine. Why would Pansy have kept that from me? I would have taken them both and run in a heartbeat…she had to know that. Of course with everything else my father took from her I can understand that her worst nightmare would have been Lucius taking Emma too…and no doubt that is exactly what he was trying to do…"

_5 April 2001_

_Mr. Malfoy,_

_I'm afraid I have bad news; Zabini apparated them out of London. I'm not sure how, but he must have figured out that something was not right. I almost had her and the next thing I knew they were gone._

_I await your instructions and continue to try and determine where they have gone, but somehow I imagine you have more advanced magical devices at your disposal for locating them. You know where I can be found._

_R. M._

"And this is where his plan went horribly wrong_._"Draco paused before exposing the last letter in the stack of aged parchment. His heart sank to its lowest point and tears started to form in his eyes; he was consumed by the pain of finally knowing what it was Pansy needed when she had sent the torn parchment in his hand and the devastation of knowing he never came to her rescue.

_26 February 2003_

_Draco,_

_I have no idea how this correspondence will be received by you, but I hope you continue reading. There is something selfish, almost cruel about me contacting you at all, but I need you. You promised that you would always be here for me and I need you now more than ever._

_I am in London and await your return._

_Pansy_

He considered apparating to the Muggle airport and heading back to America just to ask Pansy for the truth, but when he heard footsteps approaching he tucked the book under his pillow and laid his head down. He fought for focus amid the myriad of emotions and thoughts rushing through him. Finally he heard the door open and flinched when he felt Astoria climb on the bed next to him.

It was undeniable that the feel of her fingers weaving through his hair provided an unexpected peace. The sensation of her breath on the back of his neck and the closeness that had crept up on him calmed all of his senses and after a few minutes he turned over and smiled sadly, "You know how much I love you right?"

"Of course I do," she kissed him gently and rested her forehead against his, "I'm worried about you Love. Was America really that bad? Did something –"

He interrupted with a quick kiss and pulled her closer, "I'm just tired, disorientated I suppose; must have been the portkey. I'll be put back together soon enough." _When I know the truth finally…_

Draco closed his eyes and eventually he did fall asleep in Astoria's arms.

*.*.*.*

More than a month passed and each day Draco fought for focus in every aspect of his life. Finding Pansy in America, putting together all the clues that led to Emma being his child seemed to command nearly all of Draco's attention and finally he decided he had to go back. He waited patiently for another American assignment to surface, but when destiny remained unkind he decided to fabricate a reason to return and though he may have only a few days there it would be enough to talk to Pansy about the truth.

He intended to wait until after Scorpius' birthday to make his move and in the weeks leading up to the day there had been an unavoidable tension at the Manor. One morning before work Draco sat at the breakfast table and flipped through the paper wondering when it would be best to announce his _assignment; _he smiled up at Astoria who seemed somewhat cheerier than she had in weeks, "You look tired…too much birthday party planning?"

Astoria set Draco's coffee in front of him and sat down at his side, "I was thinking that we could have your mum watch Scorpius this weekend and maybe we could go out."

"I will probably have to work this weekend. I still have not finished that case in America, but next weekend perhaps we can go into London." Draco leaned over and kissed Astoria's head then continued reading his newspaper. _I have to figure this out first…then we can move on._

The blond woman smiled sadly and stood from the table. She finished packing Draco's lunch and started to leave the kitchen when she stopped and interrupted the silence, "You found Pansy didn't you?"

Draco looked up with incredible surprise, "Why would you ask me that?"

"Because you have been pulling away and it all feels very familiar." Astoria walked back over to the table and sat next to him, "I have been dreading this moment from the beginning, but especially since your father died. I guess I am just asking for a little warning… I mean…if our arrangement has changed."

"If our _arrangement _has changed? Funny…I thought we had a _marriage_." It was amazing to Draco how much her statement had actually hurt him; he stood from the table and walked into the living room more determined than ever to go back to America.

"You didn't answer the question Love," tears fell down Astoria's face as she walked into the living room and stood behind her husband waiting for him to turn around. "We have a brilliant marriage except for the times that Pansy is around and you'll forgive me, but this feels like one of those times."

Draco turned and though he saw her tears he could not control the anger that continued to build inside him. "When exactly, since we've been married, has Pansy been _around_? You and my parents have seen her, but she's been missing to me for almost a decade and –"

"Don't insult me Draco by trying to deny that Pansy has been a part of your life since the day you entered this life with me. There is nothing stopping you now and I only want the courtesy of the truth if you decide to pursue her." Astoria looked down and took a long deep breath before looking back up at Draco's pained face, "Did you find her?"

He could not pull his eyes from hers; and he could not lie no matter how badly he wanted to. After a short pause he whispered, "She's been in America…and I walked into her pub the first night I was there. She wasn't there that night, but I went back and all of a sudden she was standing at my table. The only reason that I did not tell you is because I knew that you would immediately think I was about throw away everything that we have built together; that somehow we would go back to the days of you believing I don't love you –"

"Can you blame me? I'm quite sure that your love story with Pansy was once described to me as _epic_; and though _she_ assured me that you love me I can not help but realize that she could ruin everything…if she hasn't already." Astoria walked over to an overstuffed chair and flopped down, "So is that why you are going back to America…you know what…I don't want to know. When are you leaving?"

Draco walked over and sat down on the coffee table across from Astoria, "Nothing happened; and I'm sorry if telling you this ruins everything, but I do not want to lie to you."

"And I appreciate that, but…what do you see happening next Draco? Can I expect you will just be bouncing back and forth randomly; or should I just assume that is where you are every time you have to _travel_?" She stood and walked past him toward the foyer.

"Comforting to know you have so much faith in me Astoria." Draco stood and followed her. He shouted as she continued up the stairs, "If I didn't know better I'd think maybe you _want_ me to leave so that you don't have to be the one to do it."

Astoria turned around and rushed down the stairs towards him, "And what is that supposed to mean?"

Draco started to speak when an owl flew in through an open window and onto the banister. He reached over to untie the parchment and released the owl before reading to himself:

_15 July 2010_

_Malfoy,_

_Received word that your case in America has taken a turn and your presence is required. You will leave by portkey on 1 August 2010 and should only be gone a few days. As promised you will be here for your son's birthday. _

_Markman_

_It is a sign…_ Draco looked up at Astoria then held out the parchment, "See it with your own eyes so we have no reason to argue about it. I have to travel back to America for _work –_"

Astoria rolled her eyes and started up the stairs, "Don't patronize me Draco."

"You are the one who accused me of using my job as a means to initiate an affair," he started up the stairs after her, "I honestly can not believe that you have so little faith in me."

She stopped suddenly and looked up at him, "You love her more Draco…you always have, I have always known it and now that you have nothing or no one stopping you –"

"Nothing or no one except the fact that I love you and the fact that we have a family, made a commitment, which I have not once strayed from." He walked up to her and put his hands on her arms, "Finding Pansy meant that I could finally see for myself that she is all right and now I don't have to worry about her anymore."

"And she's all right?"

"She's had a tough time, but she seems to be well now." He did not want to give away too much information because if Astoria knew about Emma all along the fight would start all over again. He kissed her head and pulled her into a tight hug, "I love you Astoria; please do not start doubting that now."

Astoria buried her face in his chest and her tears returned, "I just don't want you to ever let me go. No matter what happens I know I can not lose you."

"You're not going to lose me Love; I promise." He tightened his hold on her and started to wonder if his best course of action was to ask that another detective be assigned to his case. What was he chasing? Once he had the answers he so desperately needed what would have been accomplished? What did he see happening next?

Eventually Astoria pulled away and forced a smile, "I'm sorry that I ruined the day…I just…thank you for telling me the truth."

"I don't want to lie to you. I know that will only complicate things further. All I am asking is that you don't stop trusting me." He reached over and brushed the hair from her face; and though she smiled reassuringly Draco knew that at that moment everything was different.

Astoria broke the silence before it could become uncomfortable, "I'm going to get Scorpius ready and we were going to Diagon Alley…if you're interested."

"Of course," he started toward the bedroom and put his arm around Astoria as he passed, "I love you."

"I love you too."

*.*.*.*

_30 July 2010_

_I pulled a jacket from the closet this morning and it smelled like Pansy. I would have liked the opportunity to enjoy it for a moment, but I am haunted by the breakfast conversation when Astoria asked me if found Pans and referred to our marriage as an arrangement. I never thought about it that way, but I suppose she's always known what I have always known…that I would never let Pans go completely. I love Astoria, but I have lost no love for Pansy over the last ten years and now that I found her I'm not sure what to do. Astoria asked if I wanted our arrangement to change and I do not know how to answer that question. I want them both and obviously that is a terrible idea, yet I do not think I could let Astoria go either. This is a bloody disaster! Astoria has been loyal and loving all these years, she is the mother of my child, and we have built a life together. She has done nothing to deserve the thoughts I've been having since I found Pansy last month. _

_Tomorrow we will celebrate Scorpius' fourth birthday and the following day I will return to America to find out if my father killed a child and if that child was actually my first born. I will be faced with the ultimate decision of what I will do next. If I didn't know better I would think that this is just another trap Lucius set to drive me mad once and for all._

*.*.*.*

Scorpius had the best birthday party any four year old could ever want; completely oblivious that his parents barely spoke one word to each other all day. By the time Draco retired to bed that night Astoria was sound asleep and the next morning she was gone for work before he even acknowledged the sun. There was a note on her pillow when Draco rolled over.

_Draco,_

_I'm sorry I left without waking you, but I did not think my insecurities about this trip were a necessary addition to your itinerary today. If I said that I am comfortable with this, work related or otherwise, I would be lying and I think it is important we do not lie to each other. I pray that things are good again when you return. Please take care of whatever you need in America and promise to come back to me. We will be here missing you terribly. _

_All my Love,_

_Astoria_

Draco fell back against the pillows and closed his eyes. There was no denying his situation was hopeless and that regardless of what decisions he made someone was bound to be hurt. After a few minutes he got up and prepared for his afternoon trip by portkey. Just before he was supposed to leave he walked into the nursery and sat on the floor next to Scorpius playing with one of his many new toys. He watched quietly as his son set up the new castle he received for his action figures when suddenly Scorpius looked up and smiled.

"Are you going to save Princess Emma daddy?"

Tears instantly formed in Draco's gray pained eyes; he reached over and pulled Scorpius into his lap, "I'm not sure that I can save her…I'm sorry."

Scorpius looked up and reached to catch a tear rolling down Draco's face, "Don't cry daddy… she's safe now…and she says she's happy…I just wanted to play with her again is all."

Draco's expression turned to concern and he forced a smile as to not startle the toddler, "You have spoken with Emma have you?"

"In my dreams," Scorpius reached over and picked up the small waving princess, "She told me she can not play again…that she can't come back. She spends all her time waiting for her mum to arrive…she said it will be soon." The little blond haired boy looked up and smiled sadly, "That will make you cry too…won't it daddy? But you shouldn't cry…because mum and I aren't leaving too…I promise…not for a long time."

"You dreamt about talking to Emma…where is she waiting for her mum?" Draco could feel his heart pounding out of his chest and forced all the calm he had so that he would not scare Scorpius. At the same time his mind was swimming with attempted reassurances that his four year old was just exercising his wild imagination and not displaying all the signs of a potential seer. He watched as the little blond haired boy continued to stare down at the princess figure and then as he leaned over and placed her high in a castle tower.

"She's in heaven of course." Scorpius stood, turned and wrapped his arms tight around Draco's neck. After a few quiet moments he whispered, "Emma loves you…tell her mum she loves her too…just before you come home…it will help her…help you both not to cry." He pulled away and smiled at Draco then sat back down and continued assembling his castle.

Draco could feel his chest tighten and he struggled at the thought of saying anything in response to the strange conversation he just had with his young child. He started to stand and kissed Scorpius onto of his head, "Thank you…for the advice. I will see you in a few days."

"I know," he smiled up at his father, "And you will be sad…but I will help cheer you up."

"I have no doubt you will be brilliant." Draco smiled once more then walked out of the nursery. He stopped on the other side of the door to reflect on what had just been said; trying to separate what could be real and what was nothing more than a vivid dream influenced by names and situations he had subconsciously stored when they were spoken around him. Regardless of what was pure imagination the reality was that Draco could not rest until he knew the truth and with only ten minutes to spare he walked into the study and penned a quick note.

_Astoria,_

_Things will be better when I return I promise. I know that this seems just another continuation of our rocky past, but I assure you it is answers I seek not an escape from the life you and I have built together. When I come home it will be to stay…with you and Scorpius…I swear to you._

_On a side note I had a very strange conversation with Scorpius this morning. Have you ever noticed him saying things like he knows they are going to happen…confident in his facts and more mature than would seem suitable for his age? I do not mean to worry you, but if I wasn't sure it was too early for such a revelation I might think he sounded like a Seer. Pay attention to that over the next few days and we will talk more about it when I return. _

_We have many things to discuss when I return, but for now please know how much I love you and believe that I will come home to you…always._

_All my love,_

_Draco_

He folded the parchment and placed it on Astoria's desk then grabbed his bag, placed his hand on a table lamp and disappeared from sight.

*.*.*.*

Draco arrived at the American offices of Magical Law Enforcement and started working immediately on resolving his case. Regardless of what his interaction with Pansy was destined to be he was determined to have his professional obligations met as to not jeopardize every aspect of his life. By nightfall he had the investigation back on target and after assuring the detectives he would return the following morning to finish up he left headquarters and rushed right over to _The Piasa_.

The minute he opened the door the familiar smell of the pub instantly calmed him and he was delighted to see that his usual booth was empty. He slid into the comfortable seat and focused on a menu to calm his otherwise giddy disposition as he waited for Pansy to acknowledge his presence. After a few minutes he looked up as Blaise slid into the seat across from him, "Should I be worried that her enforcer is the one to welcome me?"

"What are you doing here Malfoy?" Blaise sat back and calmly waited for a response. He was distracted when a dark haired waitress approached with a bottle of whiskey and two glasses, "Thanks Love." Blaise exchanged a smile with the girl who quickly started from the table.

"Aren't you even going to introduce us Blaise?" Draco looked from Blaise to the fairy-like woman and smiled as he extended his hand, "I'm Draco Malfoy…"

She smiled and shook his hand, "Yeah I know who you are. Heard enough about you that I could have picked you out of a line up I imagine. I'm Madi O'Neal."

Draco chuckled quietly, "I'd encourage you not to believe anything you've heard, but no doubt it's all true and I am the horrible man they have described.

Blaise rolled his eyes and Madi giggled, "Well if that's true than they have been lying to me because I understand you to be a right fine bloke overall. Slightly tortured with the moods to prove it and a bit cocky at times, but you're quite important to two of the most important people in my life so I've no issue with you." She smiled then winked at Blaise, "I'll be at the bar if you two gents need anything."

Draco arched his eyebrow when Blaise finally looked from Madi back to him, "Important to both of you am I? Then you are not here to tell me that Pansy refuses to see me?"

"Pansy isn't here…she had an appointment this afternoon, but she'll be back tomorrow. Now whether or not she will want to speak with you I can not say. So again I'll ask, just so I have all of the preliminary information to divert from this next potential disaster…what are you doing here?"

"My case started falling apart and I had to return to put things back on track. I figured while I was here that Pansy and I could do more catching up." Draco poured them both a tall glass of whiskey and he took a long drink.

Blaise mirrored the blonde's actions then filled their glasses again, "What do you want to know?"

"I want to hear it from Pansy…no offense." Draco took another long drink and stood from the booth, "Tell her I will stop in and see her tomorrow afternoon will you?" Without allowing Blaise to answer Draco looked up and waved to Madi behind the bar, "It was a pleasure finally meeting you Madi." He smiled when she waved back then nodded to Blaise and walked out of the pub.

He was trembling, but knew he could not allow any distractions from looking Pansy in the eye and hearing the truth about Emma's father…and her fate. There was also the haunting reminder of his conversation with Scorpius earlier that day and the number of questions screaming inside his head was piercing. He looked around then pulled his wand from his pocket and disapparated.

*.*.*.*

Draco tossed and turned the entire night and by morning he could not wait to get to work and finish his case as quickly as possible. By noon he had completed his assignment and after several congratulations and goodbyes he rushed from headquarters and again returned to the pub.

He paused and took a deep breath before opening the door; hoping that he would not find Blaise sitting in his booth ready to deliver the news that Pansy refused to see him. When he entered he found Pansy sitting in their booth with her head down. He rushed to her and sat beside her, "Pans what's the matter? Are you ill?"

She raised her head and smiled, "Malfoy what are you doing here? I thought you were here to work." Pansy put her head back down as if it was taking all of her strength to hold it up at all. "You should just…go home…"

"Well I certainly can't leave you in this state. Is there someone else who can run this place so you can go home?" Draco brushed away the hair that had fallen in her face when she looked up at him, "Let me take you home."

"I'm fine…I just have a headache is all; and no one is coming in until later so I have to set up for the after work rush." She smiled and pushed him out of the way as she slid out of the booth; noticing how close Draco remained when he stood. "Can I get you anything or –" Pansy felt her knees start to buckle and grabbed onto Draco's arms.

He held tight to her and was slipping into complete panic. He picked her up when she did not steady, "Where do you live; I'm taking you home."

Pansy closed her eyes and took a deep breath, "Put me down Draco I'm fine. I haven't eaten anything and –"

"Then I will take you for something to eat," he paused and put her down, but she immediately started to collapse, "Yes I can see that you are fine." He picked her up again, "Tell me where you live or I will apparate us to London."

She reached down and pulled her wand from her boot, "Just hold onto me all right." Pansy wrapped her arms feebly around Draco's neck and they disapparated from the pub.

*.*.*.*

Draco settled Pansy on the sofa of her living room, complete with blankets, pillows and tea then sat down next to her. "Are you comfortable? Do you think you need to see a Healer or –"

"No! I'm comfortable and I will feel better once I have had some sleep. Thank you for bringing me home, but…you should go now." Pansy pulled the blanket up to her neck and continued to shiver beneath it."

"I'm not leaving you alone," he reached up and felt her forehead, "You are burning up. What Healer do you see here?"

"I see a doctor, and he can not do anything trust me." She started to stand, but sat back down, "Draco I promise I will be fine just…I'll call Blaise or Madi and they will come over."

He moved closer and put his arm around her, "Please let me help you. I will do anything."

She sat sideways on the sofa and looked at him, "I want you to promise me something."

"The last time you asked me to promise you something it meant walking away from you so I guess it all depends on the request." Draco smiled, but when Pansy's eyes lowered his expression faded, "I can't walk away from you again Pansy. Please don't ask me to."

Tears fell down Pansy's face and she wiped them swiftly as she responded, "We have always been from different worlds Draco; especially now. You have a wife and a son and a career at the Ministry of Magic and I am a Muggle pub owner in America."

"You aren't serious? Pans you are a witch, you may have stopped using your wand, but you will always be magical." He reached over and took her hand, "I love you, as much now as I did two decades ago when I hadn't even realized it yet."

She squeezed his hand before pulling hers away and tucking it under the blanket, "You can love me without destroying your life…but you can not have us both and I can not have you here…because I do not choose to share and you are no longer just mine."

"And it would be easier to just never see me again?" Tears formed in Draco's eyes when Pansy nodded and he backed away from her slightly, "I don't believe you."

"There is too much bad woven in with the good Draco; and every time you are here I start counting down the moments until you will be gone again. I lost you all over when you left in June and when you leave again this time I will fall back to step one. I honestly do not know how many more fresh starts I'm entitled to and I would rather just remember how wonderful we were without the constant reminder of how brilliant we could have been." She reached up to dry her tears and rested her head back against the sofa, "You have to let me go Draco…for both of our sakes. Astoria loves you and you love her and I will not be responsible for destroying the commitment you have made to each other or the person that you have become."

Pansy reached for Draco's hand, but he pulled it away before she could find it. His movement was involuntary and startled him slightly; but there was no way to avoid the fact that he felt betrayed by her insistence that he leave. "I told you I would do anything so…I guess I'll be going then." He looked down and forced a smile, "Can I contact Blaise or Madi for you?"

"No I'll call them in a while. Thank you again for bringing me –"

"Of course…" he ran his fingers through his hair, stood and immediately considered sitting again to delay the inevitable, but decided he could not stand to stay if he could not stay forever. "I love you… and I will love you for the rest of my life. I will regret everything we lost for the rest of my life. But I will respect your wishes and I will not call on you again. I trust that you will go on with your happy life as you have asked me to go on with mine."

"I promise to live the rest of my life to its fullest." She smiled sadly and started to speak again when Draco interrupted.

"If you ever need me please promise you will not hesitate and I will be here for you in a heartbeat this time." He watched her nod weakly and before he tossed caution to the wind and pulled her into his arms again he continued, "You'll be on my mind always…no matter what you ask…" Draco trailed off, consumed by the idea of walking away from her for the last time; he rushed to the door and apparated before even leaving through it.

*.*.*.*

Draco appeared outside the door of the pub and walked inside. He stood at the bar and waited for Madi to finish with a customer. It was taking every ounce of self control not to return to Pansy's house and make her change her mind and even more power to keep him from bursting into tears. When the dark haired girl stopped in front of him he blurted, "Pansy is very ill. I found her here and made her allow me to take her home. She said that she intended to contact you and Blaise, but frankly I do not believe her and wanted to tell you myself that she should not be left alone right now."

Madi grabbed Draco's arm as he started to walk away, "Thank you Draco…for coming here to tell me. And what about you…are you all right?"

He turned and tears started streaming down his face before he could stop them, "For the fourth time in my life I am faced with the reality that I may never see Pansy's face again…I will never be all right."

She let go of his arm, rushed around the bar and led him to the booth, "I'm so sorry…I knew that she would push you away and although for all parties I think it is the best way I am still so saddened by the necessity."

"It's not necessary…" Draco dried his face and rested his head in his hands. "I love her…"

"And she loves you. Pansy is the strongest person I have ever met, but she is not strong enough to keep saying goodbye to you." Madi took a deep breath and sighed, "I wish I had another solution for you, but this is the only way Draco."

"I could stay here and –"

She took his hands that he stretched out before him, "She would never allow you to walk away from your family. Pansy lost a child and she would never accept you losing any time with yours." Madi squeezed his hands and smiled sadly, "Tell you what…if you want to check in on her you can contact me and I will tell you whatever you want to know. You can send me a Patronus and –"

Draco interrupted with a chuckle and could feel his cheeks heating up as he responded, "I don't have a Patronus…I wasn't _good_ enough to ever develop one and –"

"I am so sorry…Pansy and Blaise don't have one either. I'm just so used to speaking with Harry that…" she trailed off when Draco rolled his eyes, "Oh…sorry…I forgot that you and –"

"No apologies necessary; from all that I've gathered I owe Potter a great deal more than I'm comfortable with. And I appreciate your offer…I may send you an owl one day, but I promised Pansy I would do anything for her and if she wants me to stay out of her life I have to try." He forced another sad smile and stood from the booth, "Blaise needed someone like you…he was always responsible for taking care of Pansy and me and I often wondered who took care of him."

"He's well cared for now I assure you." Madi laughed quietly as she stood and pulled Draco into a hug, "And they both love you…more than either is even capable of admitting… so promise you will take care of yourself in their absence. Cherish your family because in the end that is all we have."

"You take care of my family here and I will take care of my family at home." He smiled and fought more mounting tears.

"Deal…" she smiled once more and walked back to the bar.

Draco looked around the pub, taking in every detail then walked out the door and apparated back to the hotel.

*.*.*.*

Astoria rushed through the front door of the Manor and up the stairs to Draco's study. She opened the door and found him sitting in his chair looking out the window. "Your portkey request came across my desk an hour ago and I was surprised to see you were already coming home."

He stood and walked toward her then pulled her into a tight embrace. After a few moments he pulled away enough to look down at her, "It's finished…and I could not wait to return home."

She reached up and ran her fingers through his hair, "Are you all right?"

Draco paused thoughtfully then rested his forehead against hers and whispered, "Finally…" he pulled her into a long kiss; never letting her go as he led her down the hallway and into the bedroom.

*.*.*.*

_14 August 2010_

_It's been two weeks since I returned home from America and it all seems like a dream now. I can not even seem to find a clear image of Pansy in my mind and surprisingly enough I have remained calm despite it. I miss her, but it doesn't hurt as much. She asked me for what she needed and I promised I would give her anything. She can not share, I can not choose and therefore I have had to accept what everyone keeps saying…that this is for the best._

_Astoria was surprised at first by how quickly things were resolved here at home. I think she was hesitant to believe that it was not all a well thought out act when I first arrived home, but as the days have passed all of the tension and insecurity has vanished. As promised Scorpius has helped with any remaining sadness; in fact I notice he has not played with Princess Emma or mentioned her at all since I have been back._

_Things are back to normal…whatever that means…I guess I have little time to dwell on it…back to work._

Draco closed his book and put it in his desk drawer then focused on the open file in front of him. After several hours of review he broke the tip from his quill and went to Astoria's desk to find one of hers. He opened several drawers and finally found what appeared to be a new green feathered quill with her initials. He examined it a moment then his focus drifted down to a white linen envelope. Without hesitation he pulled it from the drawer and his eyebrow raised as his eyes moved from the embossing in the corner representing an elegant London hotel to the address of _Mr. and Mrs. Draco Malfoy_. He pulled the parchment from inside and read quietly to himself; when he heard the front door open he returned the quill to his wife's drawer and sat behind his own desk.

Before Draco's mind had time to wander Astoria walked into his study and sat in the chair across from him. "How has your morning been? Did you get a lot done?"

Draco looked up and spoke curtly, "I have," he held the piece of parchment he had collected from is wife's desk out to her and continued, "I found this letter we received; from a hotel in London, thanking us for our patronage and asking if our weekend stay in the honeymoon suite was satisfactory. Strangely I do not remember going to a hotel in London this past May."

"I was in London in May…for those conferences remember?" Astoria folded the parchment quickly and walked over to her desk, "Where did you find this anyway?"

"In your desk. I'm sorry, I was looking for a quill and was surprised to see it was addressed to both of us and…well you know that I am terrible with secrets…I thought maybe you had planned something for us." Draco's tone was eerily calm and he stood and approached Astoria, "I was disappointed to see that you had been staying in honeymoon suites without me."

Astoria looked up at him with a hesitant expression, "You were travelling a lot…and I thought I would treat myself."

"Well you are certainly entitled Love," he brushed her face gently, "Like I said…you deserve all the perks in the world being married to me all of these years." He smiled when she smiled somewhat relieved and returned to his desk chair, "And tell me…did Montague enjoy himself? I paid for the weekend so please let me know that you two had a wonderful time together." Draco paused and watched all the color rush from Astoria's face, "You had the audacity to accuse me of using my job to have an affair with Pansy and you have been cheating on me all along."

Tears poured from Astoria's eyes and she sat down in the chair across from Draco, "I went to London for the conference and he was there. It wasn't planned and it just…happened, but only that once and I –"

"There is _nothing_ you can say right now to make this better so please stop talking." Draco stood and started out the door.

"Where are you going?" She stood and rushed out the door and down the staircase, "Draco please," she finally reached him and grabbed his arm, "I am so…sorry, but please don't leave…we have to talk about this and –"

He pulled his arm from her grasp and turned to her calmly, "We will talk when I return. For all the times I gave you to throw your temper tantrums over an _affair_ with a woman I had not seen in a decade I'm sure you can allow me some time to process this." He walked out the door without allowing her time to respond and his first instinct was to destroy something. He disapparated from the front of the Manor and straight to Ministry headquarters where he put in for an emergency absence from his post. From there he went to Astoria's office, arranged himself a port key and within the hour he was back in America.

Draco was careful not to reveal himself to anyone besides Pansy because at that moment she was the only one who could keep him from reverting back to the cold, calculating and destructive person he was as a child. Astoria's betrayal brought forth in him two decades worth of suppressed rage and angst and for the first time since he was a boy he could feel himself turning into his father. After a stealth surveillance of the pub he determined Pansy was not there and apparated directly to her house.

He found Pansy standing outside her door, fumbling with her keys. She gasped when Draco walked up behind her and she turned and blurted, "Draco? What are you doing here you scared the bloody hell out of –"

Draco interrupted her by running his hand into the back of her hair and crashed his lips against hers. The moment was desperate and rebellious and made him feel life coursing through his veins. When Draco felt Pansy pull away slightly he wrapped his free arm around her waist, nearly lifting her off the ground, and fought to hold her lips to his. The moment he felt her give into his embrace a wave of elation filled him and increased the intensity of his hold on her; unable to be close enough.

After a few frantic moments Pansy finally did pull away and backed up against the wall next to the door. She was obviously shaky and dreamily looked up at the blond, "Thank you, but –"

"No buts," Draco closed the distance between them and pressed against her. He leaned down and brushed his lips against hers then pulled away enough to look at her and whispered, "Please…"

Pansy's hands immediately moved to the back of Draco's neck, her fingers tangled into his hair and she pulled his lips to hers. She eventually fumbled to find her wand in her bag, opened the door and pulled him inside. Draco kicked the door closed behind them and moved them quickly over to the sofa. He lay down and pulled her down on top of him, his hands reacquainting themselves with every inch of her body and his mind reeling at the divine brilliance of her lips caressing his once again.

There was no means of control for either of them, not that they even tried. There had not been a day when Draco neglected his daydreams of Pansy, but his senses were overwhelmed by the softness of her bare skin brushing against his as each article of clothing was easily discarded. He had survived on the memory of their last intimate moments together and lived for the opportunity to touch and smell and taste Pansy again. It was the truest sense of returning home and with every kiss and sensation Draco became more convinced he was exactly where he was meant to be and where he was never willing to leave again.

*.*.*.*

Hours later Draco woke in Pansy's room and a momentary feeling of panic filled him when he realized she was no longer next to him. He got up from the bed, pulled on his jeans and walked into the living room where he found her standing and looking out the window. He stood behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist then kissed the back of her neck, "Are you all right?"

A long silence filled the room until eventually Pansy let her head rest back against his chest and she sighed, "I feel complete…and whenever you leave I will feel completely alone again. So I don't know if I'm all right, but I'm glad that you are here."

"I don't know if I can walk away this time Pans." He turned her around to look at him and brushed his hand gently down her face, "Not a day has gone by in the last ten years that I have not been in love with you. I don't want to lose another ten years."

She rested her hand on top of his and smiled through the tears rolling down her face, "You know as well as I do that you can not stay here Draco. You have a life and a family in a world where I do not belong to anymore. I do not expect you to tell me what happened that brought you to my doorstep, and in truth I am a bit disappointed in the discipline I thought I'd developed over the last ten years, but…I can not harbor any guilt. You had your reasons and there was absolutely no way I was letting you go last night…today is a different story."

Draco shuddered when Pansy pulled her hands from his and walked away. He found that his anger was returning, though not over the recollection of what had in fact happen to send him back to America, but rather Pansy's inability to see that what she asked was impossible. The anger mixing with the hurt that resulted from the ease she had with moving on became debilitating to Draco and he finally turned and shouted, "You don't get to do that this time Pans; walk away and tell me to live a life I don't want. Yes I may love my life, but it was never what I wanted with anyone but you. And you shouldn't feel any sort of guilt about last night because Astoria has had her own indiscretions recently."

Pansy smiled bitterly, "Yes I assumed you were here on a _free pass_ so to speak; leveling the playing field." She sat on the sofa and ran her fingers coarsely through her hair before resting her head back and closing her eyes.

"You say that as if you feel used."

She looked up into Draco's tormented eyes and smiled slightly, "Not at all, but I also have no naïve illusions that anything has changed. You and Astoria were bound to stray from each other at some point, but once you have calmed I have no doubt you will realize that walking away from your family would be even harder than walking away from me."

"I have never endured anything as difficult as leaving you behind Pansy and you were right before…today is a much different story. Today walking away from you would be impossible and I will not even make the attempt." He sat next to her on the sofa and took her hands, "I love you, but more importantly I want you, I _choose_ you…and only you."

"And your son?"

"He'll love you…" Draco trailed off when Pansy stood and walked back to the window, "It happens Pans…the best of marriages fall apart, but when two people are forced to marry each other, and each devoted to another…I'm surprised it lasted this long."

"You love her Draco…any fool could see it and I know you better than anyone." Pansy turned to look at him, "You do not have to lose everything."

He looked down at his hand, fixated on his wedding band as Pansy's words circled around in his mind. Finally he stood, walked toward her and pulled her close by the waist; he brushed his hand gently down the side of her face and whispered, "I only have to lose you… and it feels like I've spent lifetimes making sure that exact thing never happened. Now that I've found you how can you ask me to let you go? Don't you love me anymore?"

"So much that I have no choice but to let you go. You have become everything I knew you would; loving and brave. And if you'd only allow yourself you could be free; the world is yours to conquer, Draco. Find beauty in the simplest of things, breath in and out and remember each time you inhale and exhale that you have risen from a destructive and damaging past and assembled a prosperous and respectable future. You have not become the man that stands before me by accident, nor have you done it alone," she paused and reached up to brush a few random hairs from his eyes then gently ran her hand down his cheek, "Whether you would have chosen this life ten years ago what you have built for yourself is stunning and even though you are bloody pissed at her right now I know if you are honest that you can credit her for your success."

"We have had a brilliant life together, but…" he paused for a deep breath and pulled Pansy closer to him, "There was never a day that passed when I was not striving to be the man _you_ wanted me to be…the man _you_ believed I could be."

A long silence developed while Draco waited for Pansy to respond; and during the pause they never once broke the lock they had on each other's eyes. An outsider looking in may have considered that they were reading each other's minds, or possibly souls, and after a few more minutes Pansy interrupted the intensity with a smile and a whisper, "You kept your promises to me and I will forever be grateful for that. We had our chance to shine together Draco, and never in all that time were we able to inspire even a glimpse of the people we have become. Perhaps _my_ contribution to your success has been the distance I kept between us. If last night didn't show us we are a dangerous chemistry together than nothing will. And that is why I love you with every breath I take, so much that I know you have to leave and I have to let you go; love me enough and believe it too. Otherwise last night becomes something to regret, something we will both be tortured by and we will be no better, feel no different than at eleven, or sixteen…and we won't be happy anymore so what then will have been the point of any of it?"

Draco considered reaching up to dry the tears falling down his face, but opted to catch Pansy's instead. He leaned down until their foreheads rested against each other and spoke softly so his voice would not crack, "I can agree with everything you are saying, but I still have no concept of walking out that door and never seeing you again Pansy Parkinson. You are in my blood and my head and my every move constantly…forever. How is it possible, when you feel exactly the same that we find ourselves here…at another goodbye?"

"Because it's meant to be Love." She reached around his neck and tangled her fingers into his silky blond hair and smiled through her tears, "We were always meant to say goodbye and this time we can function apart because we have seen that the other is truly happy. I will live off the smile on your face every time you talk about Scorpius and that is how I will imagine your day to day life and it will be what keeps me when I miss you most. Our love story is epic Draco, but it does not need to end in tragedy and pain. We need to let our goodbye be better than our hello."

"You punched me in the arm on Platform 9¾ the first time we met," Draco pulled away from Pansy slightly and laughed, "For no reason as I recall."

"I was trying to get your attention actually," she started to laugh and the tension in the room started to lighten.

"Yes well it worked…though it took me far too long to tell you how much I noticed you all the time." Draco could feel Pansy slipping away from him and though everything that she said was honest and real the idea of actually walking out the door and never seeing her again constricted his lungs. He was conflicted between pulling her into another passionate embrace and apparating from the room when finally he just reached for her and wrapped his arms around her tightly. "I will never love anyone the way I have always loved you."

"I know that feeling," she buried her face in his chest and inhaled deeply, "We just have to dig deep for some of our better Slytherin qualities…apologies, regrets…we don't do that kind of thing. We move forward, cherishing the best memories and letting go of the bad." She looked up at him and kissed him gently. "We have lost enough and caused each other plenty of unnecessary pain; its time to move on now."

He opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out and he had nothing in his mind to say. Instead Draco pulled her into a long kiss and Pansy did not protest. After countless minutes during which time he attempted to memorize every affect she had on his senses Draco pulled away and smiled, "Well…I suppose I should be on my way then."

Pansy nodded, her tears never ceasing and she rushed toward the kitchen, "I'll let you get dressed."

The walk to the bedroom was excruciating and in typical fashion Draco made his paces slow and drawn out as if to further torture himself. He collected his varied articles of clothing from the living room on his way and eventually dressed sat down on the bed and looked around at the quaint lavender room; more girly than he would have ever expected from Pansy, but fitting for the woman she had become. He started to get up when suddenly his focus landed on a picture a top Pansy's dresser; moving closer and picking the photo up he found Pansy sitting in the yard of what he imagined to be the Weasley home holding a vibrant little girl with sparkling violet eyes and a head full of blond curly hair. His breath caught in his chest and he whispered mindlessly to himself, "Princess Emma…"

After a few minutes Pansy interrupted by walking into the bedroom and Draco looked up at her, surprised and with tears welling up in his eyes, "This is your daughter then?" He returned his eyes to the photo for a moment then back to Pansy to see her nod. He could feel the tension return and he continued before it could take hold, "Absolutely stunning, though I would have expected nothing less from any child of yours. You apparently did not lose your taste for blonds."

"I wanted you…and since I couldn't have you I was willing to accept the next best thing." Pansy paused as Draco looked back down at the photo. She moved close and looked up at him as if she had a million things to tell him, but she remained silent.

When he set the picture down and looked at her Draco could see in Pansy's eyes that she was ready to tell him the truth. The photo was enough to tell him that he was right, but he was desperate to hear it from her mouth, in her own words. Surprisingly there was only the need to know everything about Emma and little resentment for the fact that he was never given the opportunity to know her. His mind was reeling and he needed to break through the silence before his thoughts took over and he blurted out something that sounded like an accusation. "I trust that you had reasons for everything you did at that time Pans…you don't have to hide anything from me…ever."

"I rationalized a lot then…convinced myself that what I did was what I had to do, but… there are so many times I question if it was all a mistake that Emma eventually paid the price for. I can never forgive myself for the many things she missed out on." Pansy quickly reached up to dry her eyes and changed the subject, "I put on a pot of tea…if you'd like a cup before you leave."

Draco reached out and grabbed Pansy's hand as she started to walk away, "Pansy I –"

A knock at the door caused them both to look and Pansy rushed from the room. Before walking into the living room he could hear Blaise's voice; Draco rolled his eyes and walked out of the bedroom.

"Oh my God Pans…we are _so _sorry," Madi blushed as she smiled at Draco then started pulling Blaise back to the door.

"You two don't have to rush off on my account." He took a deep breath and accepted that this could not be the last time he and Pansy would see each other. He walked over and smiled at Pansy, "We can continue this conversation later."

"Later, but –"

Draco leaned down, kissed Pansy's forehead and whispered, "You're not getting rid of me yet…deal with it." He pulled away and smiled at Blaise and Madi, "Good to see you both again," then walked out the door with a nod. The minute he was outside he pulled out his wand and apparated back to the hotel.

*.*.*.*

_15 August 2010_

_I was with Pansy last night…she was mine again and it was the most perfect I have ever felt. Then this morning she listed the many valid reasons why we have to stay apart and I found myself agreeing with them one by one. I was ready to say goodbye to her…for real and for good this time. I actually thought I could do it. Then in her room I saw a photo…of her and Emma at the Weasley's house…you may ask how I know, but trust me…Weasleys lived there. Nothing else mattered right then as I looked down upon the little blond haired girl I now know was my daughter…my first born that I never knew existed while everyone else did. _

_I want to scream that I never had the chance to know her, but not at Pansy. I realize now, the day my father saw her that they both became a target and Pansy was smart enough to know that was a reality even before Emma was born. I know that Pans did what she had to and while I believe I could have helped keep them both safe I trust that everything that could be done to fend off Lucius was exercised. She was about to tell me…I could feel it coming and then bloody Blaise had to knock on the bloody door. _

_So here I am…back at my hotel and more confused than ever. I will give her another opportunity to tell me about Emma and to tell me to stay, but either way I know two things are true; I was Emma's father and regardless of what Pansy says…I will not be walking away from her good…not now, not ever. _

*.*.*.*

Draco went to the pub that night and Pansy was not there. He sat in the booth for a few hours expecting her to arrive or at least a send off message from Blaise if she had fled for good, but there was nothing. Just after midnight Draco walked up to the bar and tossed a stack of Muggle money on the counter, "Good night Colleen…"

"You're leaving?" The redhead walked over and smiled, "Sorry she never showed up Love, but I'll tell her you were here."

"Thank you," he walked out with his head down and his heart heavier than before. _She ran again…without a goodbye…how do I move on from this when I could not do it the first two times? _He considered as he reached the alley going back to her house, but at the same time he wondered if he could even handle another round of moral obligations and commitments. He was not prepared to leave Pansy and was less than emotionally equipped to endure another rejection. _Maybe Pans had the right idea…just leave…no apologies, no regrets just…leave._

The entire next day Draco laid in his dark hotel room; talking to himself, writing in his book of parchment now riddled with everything from questions directed at the universe to very bad love poems. Eventually as his day of reflection started driving him mad he walked over to the mini-bar in the corner and pulled every small bottle of alcohol available from the shelves. He sat on the bed, opened the first bottle and raised it in the air, "To love…"

*.*.*.*

Draco woke the next afternoon refreshed and with a clear mind; as if the catatonic sleep he had experienced the night before had answered all of his pressing questions and determined his path. He showered and dressed quickly and rushed from the hotel on a mission that he was convinced could not fail.

He rushed into the pub with a bunch of wild flowers he had purchased from an odd street vendor and with the lightest heart he had known in lifetimes he walked up to the bar and cheerfully greeted Madi, "Hello Fairy…I'm looking for Pansy…and don't tell me you have no idea where she is because I will not accept no for an answer…I must see her."

The dark haired girl smiled and responded quickly, "Well she is not here that is certain. Pretty flowers though…I can put them in water for her and let her know that you were –"

"I'll wait," he smiled and took a seat at the bar.

Madi's sad smile expressed her discomfort with the situation and she responded supportively, "Draco, I understand that –"

"You don't understand…you couldn't because she doesn't even understand it yet. And that is why I will wait because I have to convince her that this _is_ meant to be and that is why we have been given another chance…this chance…and I'll not lose it." He rested the flowers on the bar in front of him and made himself comfortable. "I assume of course that if she ran away you would have told me already."

"She did not run away…she's just not here and –"

"Can you tell me where she has gone?" Draco's eyes were pleading and he feared that Pansy might be moving somewhere he could not find her again as they sat there talking. "Please Madeline I am begging –"

The girl smiled to disguise her annoyance, "For starters its _Madison…_ if you insist on using my proper name."

"_Madison?_ That is a boy's name." Draco looked at her slightly confused and waited for her to correct him, as if he had heard incorrectly, but when she only rolled her eyes he continued, "Madi I am begging you to help me. I lost her once and I will not lose her again." Draco took a long drink from the glass put in front of him.

Madi paused for a few moments and stared into Draco's eyes; finally she took a deep breath and sighed, "Tell you what…I can not divulge where she is but I can tell you that she will be back tomorrow. She is not working, but she should be at home all day."

Draco shot up from the stool, "Thank you…so much –"

"One more thing…I did not give you this information and you should know that I'm a graduate of Beauxbatons Academy…specialties include potions and divination so if you reveal my secret I _will_ know about it." Madi smiled then went back to wiping down the bar.

The blond grinned at her, "Your secret is safe with me. I should have known you were not a Muggle all along because you are far too helpful." He smiled again before rushing from the pub and back to his hotel to work on a new plan.

He flew threw the door and toward the desk he had moved in front of the window when he was startled by someone sitting in his chair. "Astoria? What are you doing here?"

"Fighting for you…" she looked down and took a deep breath before looking back up at him and obviously fighting back tears, "I know it is probably pointless, but I am not willing to just let you go without making an attempt to keep you with me."

"So your priorities have changed since May?" Though he was relieved and undeniably happy to see her again, he was still irrationally angered by another of Astoria's painful secrets.

"I made a grievous error; a betrayal I can not forgive myself for so it is hypocritical to ask your forgiveness. At the same time I am begging for it, Draco." She stood and as she approached him tears poured from her eyes, "I knew if you ever found out what happened with Montague that you would probably leave me and now that you have been reunited with Pansy… I would have hardly stood a chance if I had not done what I did…" Astoria looked down and gasped quietly for the breath her tears attempted to drown. "This was a mistake…I should go."

Draco took a deep breath and turned around, "Don't go…" His next movements were involuntary; he walked across the room and pulled her into a tight embrace as she sobbed into his chest. He appreciated the lack of conversation; his mind split in half between two of the most brilliant women in his world who loved him and who he loved more than he ever imagined. As Astoria continued to cry and whisper pleading apologies it occurred to Draco that his wife's occasional flaws and errors in judgment made it possible for him to accept how she loved him so much; they made her human despite his constant belief that she was actually an angel. And there was absolutely no denying that he had been more severely unfaithful to her even before his latest trip to America. In that moment he realized that Pansy really did know him better than anyone and that leaving Astoria and Scorpius behind was more impossible than anything else in the world.

He finally pulled away and looked down at her, "You seem pretty sure of yourself Astoria, but could you ever believe that it is possible you and I can get through all of this? Can you believe me if I tell you that I _want_ to get through it?"

"I want to believe it and that's why I came here. At the same time I am prepared to accept whatever I can from you. I promise never to question you again, never to betray you again…to never stop trying to makeup for this mess I've created." She reached up to dry her eyes and started to pull away. When Draco wrapped his arms around her waist she looked up at him slightly confused, "Why are you looking at me like that?"

"Because despite the mess we have both created I can not stop marveling at how beautiful you are or at how tightly you are woven into my very existence. I have my fair share of apologies and regrets, but…a fellow Slytherin reminded me that we don't really do those emotions well. So maybe our best next step is finally saying goodbye to the past and returning our focus to the future." He kissed her forehead and smiled sadly, "Can you trust that I intend on doing that and then I will come home to you?"

"Yes…" she smiled slightly, but more tears fell from her eyes, "Is this real? Can you really find a way to forgive me?"

"We are going to work this all out Astoria I promise," he hugged her tightly again, "I just have a goodbye to say and then we can really get started on putting everything back together." He pulled away when he felt her body tense against him, "I love you…and we will work this out."

Astoria smiled hesitantly, "I arranged a port key for every half hour…I had no idea how this was going to work out. You might not want to touch anything on that dresser for the next two hours and they will just disappear as they expire."

"Thank you for the warning. Are you going to be all right travelling back alone?" In just the few moments that she was there Draco's feeling toward her had warmed and he lovingly reached over to brush the tussled hair from her face.

"I'll be fine…and I'll be patiently waiting for you to return." She kissed his hand as it brushed down her face and was surprised when Draco pulled her into a soft kiss. Tears fell again as his forehead rested against hers, "I never thought I was going to feel that again…"

He kissed her once more softly, "I promise there are more kisses in your future than anyone could ever count. I will be along soon."

She walked over to the dresser and smiled as she picked up a tacky red and gold vase, "Scorpius sends his love and wanted you to know that you are close to locating the princess." Astoria giggled, "His imagination is quite impressive. I love you…"

"I love you too…" Draco trailed off as Astoria smiled once more than disappeared from the room. He sat on the edge of the bed and lowered his head. _Goodbye…simple enough right…it is what Pansy wants and I know it is the right thing to do…it's the only way._

*.*.*.*

The next afternoon, after a confusing and painful morning of figuring out how he would actually say goodbye this time, Draco went to Pansy's house and knocked on the door. When it opened Pansy was standing wrapped in a blanket, "What are you doing here?"

He looked at her pale face and down at her pajamas then smiled, "You had a holiday yesterday and today it's the middle of the afternoon and you aren't even dressed. Must be satisfying to be the boss…" he trailed off and smiled.

"Madi told you I would be here didn't she?" Pansy shook her head and opened the door for him to come in.

"Which one is Madi again?" He smiled and brushed her face as he accepted her unspoken invitation, "You look ill."

She chuckled and walked slowly back to the sofa, "Well thank you Draco. Compliments are always welcome."

He rushed over to help her sit after surveying her weakened condition then held her hands, "I'm being serious, Pansy. What is the matter with you? I just saw you the other day."

"It's nothing…just a flu that's been going around. You probably should not be here; I may be contagious." She pulled her hands away and rested her head back against the sofa then closed her eyes as if trying to wish him away.

Draco moved closer to her and chuckled, "You are definitely contagious Pans; and I've been sick with you since the day we met." He smiled as he looked over and saw her roll her eyes then continued, "Now what can I do to take care of you?"

"You can go home…I thought we already decided this, in fact why are you still here?" Pansy put her head back again and sighed, "Besides you can't help me this time Draco; if you could I would consider letting you…but no one can help."

_What in the bloody hell is that supposed to mean? And why if we are supposed to be apart does something always keep us from actually saying goodbye? _He paused a long time then blurted, "Well I am certainly not leaving until –"

Pansy's head shot up suddenly and she hissed, "Has it occurred to you at all that maybe I don't _want _you here? How many times and how many different ways can I get this point across Draco?"

The words slashed Draco's insides from end to end and he spoke quietly, mindlessly, "I heard you loud and clear that time Pans. I hope you feel better," he stood and started to walk toward the door when a silvery figure in the form of a stag appeared and Harry's voice sounded in the room.

"_Pans I will be in town tomorrow to check on you. You do not have time to send me Muggle post to stop me from coming. Please promise me that you are taking care of yourself. I'll see you soon."_

The stag disappeared and Draco glared at Pansy and blurted, "So you accept Patronus messages and visits from Potter, but you don't want me here at all?"

"I've already told you Draco it's not what you think with Harry," Pansy took a deep breath she seemed to struggle for and she started to continue, but Draco interrupted.

"Well I would certainly hope not because my worst nightmare is that Potter is the real reason you don't want me around." Draco stood and started pacing. "Is that the reason?"

"Of course not; Harry is married to Ginny and I love _you_." Pansy looked down as soon as it came out of her mouth and Draco stopped pacing and knelt in front of her.

"Then stop being so bloody stubborn Pansy. We can't be together…fine, but let me help you, let me see you from time to time and –"

"I'm dying…" she trailed off and tears started falling down her face, "And time is ticking away and I can not handle investing in you one more time then losing you far too soon; a sentiment I thought you would relate to."

He looked into her eyes and tried to find the old twinkle that said Pansy could lie her way out of anything, but even she could never be so cruel, and especially not to him. "We need to pack you up and get you to St. Mungo's immediately so that they can –"

"I know that you could never understand what has happened between Harry and me, but I assure you if this was something Healers could fix he would not be allowing me to die. Why do you think he's coming here? To try something new…" Pansy pulled her hands away and ran them up her face and through her hair, "I've had episodes over the years, but this is different…it's exactly how Emma was and I think it is responsible to prepare for the inevitable. With that said I can not have you here…I want to die with a clean conscience and I can not handle the guilt of destroying your family and having to say goodbye again anyway." She sighed and took his hands, "You kept your promise to me…you have the life I so desperately hoped for you and –"

"I have a lie Pansy…I have a life that looks good on society pages and sounds spectacular in conversations at parties. I have a beautiful wife, who I _do_ love and a brilliant son that I would die for…but at the end of the day I don't have you and that may be the life you wanted for me, but never the life I wanted…no matter how much I try and lie to myself." He looked down and lost his battle with his tears; after a short quiet pause he returned his eyes to her and whispered, "And if you think that I am just going to let you die then you are bloody mental. If you won't fight for yourself then I will fight for you…"

Tears poured from Pansy's eyes, but she still managed a smiled and leaned forward to rest her forehead against his, "I'm sorry Love…we can't win this time even if we fight it together…and that's why we need to say goodbye now." She stood and stumbled past him.

When the bedroom door closed behind her Draco sat on the floor and leaned against the sofa. He closed his eyes and covered his face with his hands. _Please wake up…this isn't real…this can't be real…WAKE UP!_

*.*.*.*

Draco eventually left Pansy's house and walked the streets of downtown Chicago until the sun disappeared behind the skyline. When he finally returned to his hotel room he was ready to destroy everything, but was startled by Blaise sitting in a chair. "You knew didn't you?"

"Of course."

"Why didn't you tell me?" All the strength Draco had to hold back an emotional reaction to the news that Pansy was dying was gone and tears started rolling down his face. "How long have you known?"

Blaise waited for Draco to sit then responded gravely, "I knew that Pansy had the same blood disorder as Emma and –"

"Eight years ago? Let's not even start on the topic of everyone but me knowing that Pansy even had a daughter –"

"Draco, I am sorry, but this was all Pansy's to tell you. Just like I never told her about the half dozen times you tried looking for her over the last ten years. I'm neutral and I hold both of your secrets very sacred." Blaise paused and instead of continuing he waited for Draco to respond.

"And you trust Potter enough to let him treat her as opposed to the best Healers money can buy?" Draco sulked down into the chair facing Blaise and tried to calm his heart beat with long deep breaths.

"Money can't buy Healers who genuinely love her and Harry loves her very much. They developed a bond even I don't completely understand and because he is Pansy's friend, and twice in her lifetime her secret keeper, I trust that he will move heaven and earth to save her." Blaise took a deep breath and met Draco's eyes as he continued, "Can you trust _me_ and I will trust him enough for both of us? I realize of course you could never trust him completely."

"I trust you Blaise…I just…" Draco trailed off and leaned forward, his elbows on his knees and his face resting in his hands. He could not say it even in his head let alone aloud; Pansy could not die and if it was Potter who had to save her from the latest disaster so be it. The blond finally looked up and brushed his disheveled hair from his eyes, "I need to go back to London and explain to Astoria why I will be staying indefinitely in America –"

"She knows…that you're here at least. I searched all over for you and when I couldn't find you here I went to the Manor. I'm sorry that I was the one to tell her, but I was delicate and Astoria was gracious and loving as always. She asked me to give you this," Blaise held out a piece of parchment to Draco.

He took the letter and opened it quickly, reading quietly to himself:

_18 August 2010_

_My Dearest Draco,_

_You lead the way with everything that happens next. I am so sorry for the news that Blaise has brought me today and I wish I was there to comfort you though I imagine there is little anyone can do to assist you with that now. I would die if I lost you Draco and it is the only comparison I have for what you must be feeling right now. Therefore I want you to have the freedom to do as you please. If you want to stay there, if you want to bring Pansy here, if you want me to bring Scorpius there even , we can stay in a hotel and you can spend time together ever day. I have no way to help you other than to say I will support whatever decision you make. _

_You asked me yesterday to believe that you would come back to me and I do believe that. You told me years ago to believe that you love me and I always have. I realize I've been jealous and petty and I want you to know that there are no concerns about any of that. I know that you can not leave her right now and I want you to find the best way to handle what lies ahead. If there is anything I can do to assist you know all you need do is ask._

_I love you and I truly wish Pansy the very best in the world…even if that means I have to lend her you for a while. Please let me know what you decide. I spoke with Blaise and have arranged floo access at Pansy's pub for easier communication and transportation…I hope she doesn't mind._

_I love you, Scorpius loves you and we are here for you…whenever and whatever you need._

_Astoria _

Draco folded the letter and looked up at Blaise, "How was she really?"

"I'm not sure you how you did it Malfoy, but you have managed to trick two of the most amazing women in the world to fall in love with you. She knows this is devastating and she feels powerless to help. She said that she wanted you to stay here with Pansy if that would make it any easier; she also said she was going to arrange a floo at _The Piasa_." Blaise waited for Draco to look up before he continued, "I want to tell you that everything is going to be all right and that Harry will find a way to save Pansy, but I have already started preparing myself for the fact that that is not going to happen. And I won't lie…I think you should be here…I would like you to be here if the worst does happen."

"I'm not going anywhere. I hope to have all the time in the world with her and I may take advantage of Astoria's offer to bring Scorpius here because I do not want too much time to pass without seeing him…or her." Draco ran his fingers roughly through his hair, pulling several out on their path to the back of his neck, "This doesn't feel real."

Blaise just nodded and Draco continued, "Where is Pansy now?"

"At home, trying to rest while worrying about you; I should probably send her –"

"Can I go and see her? Do you think she is going to fight me when she finds out I'm going to stay?" Draco had not considered that possibility and could not imagine if she refused to see him; when the time they would have together was already limited.

"I was told to bring you back with me as soon as you were found," Blaise stood and forced a sad smile, "She's going to give you a hard time about staying, but I know she really wants you to." He pulled his wand from his pocket, "I'll see you at the house then."

Draco walked over to the desk and sat, "I'm going to write Astoria; until the floo is set up I should at least let her know how I am."

"I'll tell Pansy you will be along," Blaise nodded solemnly then disapparated from sight.

_18 August 2010_

_Dearest Astoria,_

_You never cease to be an amazing woman and I hope you know that I appreciate how this affects you. I am going to stay for a few days, try and wrap my mind around what is happening and am actually planning on Pansy recovering and me being able to come home. Potter is on his way here as well and regardless of the fact that Pansy and Blaise are preparing for the worst I am going to put some faith in the chosen one. There has been nothing that pain in my ass has not been able to accomplish…and once Pansy is well again I will be on my way back to you._

_After everything that has happened with us…I worried this would be more than you could possibly stand, but you are amazing as usual…even Blaise said so. Thank you, for everything you said, for everything you are willing to do. Just knowing that you are there, ready to help me no matter what…you have been a wonderful wife and this is beyond imagination of anything that should ever be expected, but you are there for me regardless. You really are my best friend Astoria and I honestly don't know that I could ever tell you enough how much I need, love and appreciate everything that you are to me. I will speak with you soon._

_Love, _

_Draco_

He folded the parchment and put it in his pocket. His plan was to go and see Pansy then ask that Blaise assist with his international owl post. The reality of what had transpired continued to wash through his entire body in a gutting wave, but there was no way to approach it other than head on. He refused to give Pansy up and he certainly was not about to let her die.

_Potter will save the day and when all is said and done Pansy will admit that she and I can figure out a way to be friends. She can visit London, meet Scorpius…maybe there is even a possibility she and Astoria could get to know each other. They are Slytherin women…if I know either of them they will want to become close friends because that is the best position to find a potential enemy. Either that or Pansy will die and all of it will have been in vain…_

Draco closed his eyes and shook off his thoughts, fought back his tears, and raised his wand. He was gone in an instant, pulled toward what felt like the beginning of the end.

*.*.*.*

Pansy was asleep when Draco arrived, but Blaise and Madi encouraged him to stay while they went to the pub to take care of Astoria's letter. For the first hour he sat in a chair next to the sofa, pretending to read, but was actually keeping constant vigil on the dark haired woman's breathing. Eventually he let the book fall to his lap and focused all his attention on every inch of her; the way her hair curled around her face and the slight motion of her hands dreamily twirling her engagement ring on her finger. Each time she exhaled Draco swore he could detect the faint smell of lavender and a whisper that sounded like his name. He became obsessed with memorizing her, better than he had when he lost her any of the times before; just in case. Eventually he drifted off to sleep himself.

*.*.*.*

The morning sun grazed the side of Draco's face and he opened his eyes when he felt a blanket being pulled over him. His vision was blurry, no doubt from all the late night crying he had done, and when he finally focused on Pansy's face he could not help but smile.

"I'm sorry I woke you Love. You should have gone in the bedroom…that chair looks dreadfully uncomfortable." She returned to the sofa and pulled a blanket over herself. "It's awfully cold for August."

Draco stood from the chair and sat down on the sofa next to Pansy. He crept under her blanket and wrapped his arms around her, "Is that better?"

"You have no idea…" she closed her eyes and rested her head back on his chest as he pulled her closer. They sat quietly together for a long time then Pansy finally broke the silence and whispered, "I understand you've decided to stay…for the end I mean."

He felt his breath catch in his chest and was sure that Pansy felt the violence of his gasping for air while trying to respond, "The end of you being ill you mean? Yes I plan to stay and help you fight your way through this. I'm actually looking forward to seeing what _Sain… _Harry will bring with him today…the miracle cure I'm sure of it."

"Call him _Harry_ again, or even more absurd, if you two get along this afternoon, and I may die of shock." She started to laugh, but in a split second tears started falling down her face rapidly and she buried her face in his chest, "I don't want to die Draco…not now…not like this."

Draco wrapped his arms around her tightly and his tears robbed him of anything he might have said in response. He rested his head against hers and closed his eyes; their entire relationship flashed against his eyelids like a movie and suddenly the fear of Pansy being gone from the world started to set in. _If Potter can not save her I will kill him myself._

A knock at the door shattered the silence and startled Pansy right out of Draco's arms. She started to emerge from beneath the blanket, but Draco put his hand on her arm, "You stay warm; I'll get the door." The blond walked quickly and opened the door; he felt his stomach start to come up into his mouth.

"Malfoy?"

"Potter…come in…Pansy has been expecting you." Draco tried with every ounce of strength he had left not to twist his face at the revulsion of Pansy expecting the chosen one for anything. He stepped back and let the dark haired man in; relieved that Pansy was standing behind him so he did not have to make small talk.

Pansy walked over and pulled Harry into a tight hug, "It's been a long time…I missed you."

"Me too…how are you feeling?" Harry squeezed her then pulled away to look at her, "You are extremely pale."

"I feel extremely pale…come in and sit." She smiled brightly at Harry then took Draco's hand as she passed and led him back to the sofa.

Harry sat in the chair facing them. He glanced at Draco then down at his hand holding Pansy's and finally back up at the dark haired girl, "I'm sorry to have interrupted. I was at the pub first, but…" Harry trailed off and looked up at Draco glaring at him.

"Well this is one of the most uncomfortable moments of my entire life…and honestly who would have ever thought it." Pansy giggled and breathed a sigh of relief when another knock at the door interrupted the tension. "I'll get that…" she stood slowly and shuffled to the front door.

Draco took a deep breath and tried to look anywhere but at Harry; finally he turned when he heard Blaise's voice. _Brilliant…back up…_

"Harry!" Madi rushed into the living room and hugged Harry tight, "We thought you weren't coming in until later."

"I was able to take the floo connection into _The Piasa –_"

"_The Piasa_? We're not connected to the floo network…too much paper work remember?" Pansy looked around at all the obviously knowing faces then at Draco when he squeezed her hand.

"Astoria authorized a secure floo connection. It makes travel and communication easier for everyone." He smiled at her concerned face, "I hope you don't mind; but obviously it makes it easier for Harry to travel back and forth and this way I can come and go if necessary…but we'll talk about that later."

Blaise sat in the remaining overstuffed chair and pulled Madi onto his lap, "She got that set up quickly. Harry how did you know about it? You could not have received my owl so fast."

Harry looked at Draco and Pansy then responded with a slight hesitation to Blaise, "Astoria came to see me at St. Mungo's. She said that you told her I was treating Pansy and she wanted me to have access for quick transportation."

"That's one amazing woman you married Malfoy," Pansy squeezed his hand and smiled before continuing to Harry, "So…you're here and so is everyone else who needs to know… what's the verdict?"

"I've run every test imaginable on the blood samples you sent me from the Muggle doctor and I enlisted the assistance of a team of colleagues who specialize in potion poisoning so –"

"Potion poisoning? What potion?" Draco looked from Harry to Pansy and became even more unsettled by Pansy's expression.

"I'll catch you up later Love…I promise." She smiled slightly then refocused her attention on Harry who looked back at her apologetically before continuing.

"I would like to examine you and then we can talk about some of the options I brought with me. I made contact with a small magical medical facility in the city and…" Harry trailed off when he saw Pansy's panicked expression; he continued calmly, "Pans I know you hate –"

"No hospitals," she shifted uncomfortably until she eventually pulled her hand from Draco's and curled up in the corner of the sofa, "You can examine me here…we'll use the spare bedroom as our own magical medical facility, but no hospitals." She scanned the faces around her and spoke sternly, "Promise me…all of you…no hospitals."

Every voice whispered their promise except for Draco, but when his eyes met hers they were pleading and made his chest hurt. He leaned over and kissed her forehead, "I promise."

Harry interrupted their moment by quietly clapping his hands together once, "Well then we should not waste any more time. Let's see how you are doing and then we can start the new treatments immediately." He smiled at Pansy before standing and walking into the spare bedroom.

Blaise and Madi stood and went into the kitchen and once alone Pansy looked over at Draco, "You can stay until we find out what the treatment is going to be and then I want you to go back to London."

"Well it's good to want things Pans, but I will not be letting you tell me what to do any longer. Once I know you are completely well you can fight with me about my proximity, but for now you are stuck with me…" he rested his forehead against hers and whispered, "_Deal…with it_."

Pansy smiled and whispered back, "You called him Harry…and you two actually got along for more than five minutes. Are you trying to kill me?"

"When Harry Potter saves your life I will be his best bloody friend." Draco gagged playfully then stood and helped Pansy up.

"Thank you…for all of this, and please thank Astoria…I can not imagine being in her shoes right now, but I also can not imagine going through this without you." She kissed his cheek then walked toward the room to avoid any response.

Blaise and Madi stood outside the kitchen watching Draco watch Pansy and when the door shut behind her, and Draco collapsed on the sofa, they returned to the living room and sat across from him. Madi reached over for the blonde's hand and smiled sadly when he looked up, "How are you?"

"I'm a bloody wreck," he squeezed her hand before pulling his away and running his fingers through his overgrown blond hair, "I wonder if I should go and check on Astoria since the floo is working…but I don't want to leave and –"

"Do you want us to go and check on her and Scorpius? We can bring you a full report and some clean clothes." Blaise paused and waited for Draco's response, "You are of course free to come and go as you please. I just thought it would be a useful suggestion as opposed to you piling on the choice of who needs your attention atop your already growing list of emotional obligations."

Draco chuckled quietly, "Being responsible for Pansy all these years isn't enough, but you still feel the need to cater to my every emotional incident?"

"Its habit…" He smiled then leaned in and whispered, "Besides the way I see it Pansy could care less about anyone here but you and Madi loves Diagon Alley…" Blaise trailed off and he and Draco both laughed when Madi bounced in her seat with excitement. "See it's a win/win situation."

"I would appreciate it; and please tell her that I will contact her soon and will come back to see her and Scorpius soon," Draco rested his head back against the sofa, "This is a bloody disaster."

Madi and Blaise both started to respond when the door to the spare room opened and Harry helped Pansy back to the sofa. Madi vacated Harry's chair and went back to Blaise's lap and all eyes focused on Harry as he sat.

"Pansy needs to eat something and then lots of rest. I have given her something that will hopefully build up her strength and we will start her on a reversal potion first thing in the morning." Harry smiled, but his expression faded when he landed on Draco's under impressed glare. "Do you have questions Malfoy?"

"Yes I'd like to know about the potion that she was poisoned with." Draco looked over at Pansy who started to speak; he interrupted, "Hiding this from me is making it worse Pans. Just tell me." _If you say it was one of the Polyjuice potions I will probably go run into a busy street, but…_

"Harry would you mind running to the pub…have Colleen make me a grilled cheese and fries and whatever Draco usually orders when he comes in?" She smiled when he nodded and watched as he stood quickly and moved toward the door.

Blaise and Madi stood before Pansy could make a request and Blaise looked down at Draco, "We are going to take care of that errand and we'll be back later this evening." They rushed to the door before anyone could respond and left with Harry.

Pansy laughed as the door shut and looked back to Draco, "What errand?"

"They are going to check on Astoria and Scorpius –"

"You should go home, Draco. It's selfish of me to take you from your family and…" she trailed off as his fingers rested against her lips.

"I'm not leaving…now tell me about the potion." He watched her look away and wondered what could be so horrible; then a dark light bulb went off in his mind and caused the hairs on his arms and the back of his neck to rise, "Lucius poisoned you didn't he? And Emma?" When Pansy didn't look up Draco stood and started pacing; fueled by immeasurable anger and the need to conjure his father simply for the satisfaction of banishing his soul back to hell.

She watched him pace for a few silent moments then spoke pleadingly, "Draco it's complicated –"

"I'm a potion master Pans and I'm quite skilled especially in dark arts ingredients. Maybe I can help Potter, give him that one thing he's missed because he's so…_good_." He walked over and resumed his seat next to her, "It's worth a shot right? Certainly you know what was in the potion and –"

"It was something they gave me when I was in the shelter and…Harry knows the contrasting ingredients…they were time released in two different potions and…" she trailed off quickly and looked up at him, "Hopefully the treatment Harry brought will make all of that irrelevant and –"

"Two potions? So how did you come in contact with the second one? And what did the first one do?" When Pansy started to look away Draco stopped her by placing his hand gently on the side of her face. He wiped the tears that started to fall and felt another already damaged section of his heart crack, "Loving me has cost you everything Pansy; please let me help you."

She looked down and whispered, "I'm not sure what the first potion was intended to do, but Lucius knew what was in it and the counter acting ingredient was in a potion Riley put in my drink one time when we were together." She took a deep breath and looked up at him, "But none of it matters Draco. You want to help me and you're here…exactly what I need right now." Pansy curled up next to him, wrapped her arms around him and rested her head on his chest.

_I wonder if those are the potions I found in his study…with the letters from that bastard he planted to destroy her life…it had to be. That evil, malicious, son of a bitch!_

Draco's body tensed with every horrible thought his imagination conjured though he never released his hold around Pansy. After several silent moments she looked up at him and ran her fingers through his hair, "I think I need to lie down."

He shot up from the sofa and helped her stand, "Of course…this has been a trying morning and Potter said you needed your rest. I will wake you when he returns with the food."

Pansy giggled as he practically carried her into the bedroom and tried to help her sit, "I'm not dead yet."

"That is _not_ funny!" Draco shot her a reprimanding glare then fluffed her pillows. He pulled a blanket over her when she lay down then leaned in to kiss her forehead, "If you need anything I will be right out there." He started to walk away when Pansy grabbed his hand.

"Then I'll save you a trip…will you lay down with me instead?" She smiled and when Draco crawled in bed next to her without hesitation she curled up in his arms and fell fast asleep.

He held her close to him and listened to her breathe until the rhythm caused his eyelids to lower and he eventually drifted off.

*.*.*.*

_20 August 2010_

_Dearest Astoria,_

_I'm not even sure how I could ever thank you for being the person you are and being willing to share yourself with me of all people. Potter arrived yesterday and said you visited him at St. Mungo's with details of the floo you established in record time. While I'm slightly unsettled by the thought of you being in close proximity with Potter at all, his arrival here has instantaneously raised spirits and though I hate to admit it I can see the love they feel for him and how much the connection is returned. What has this world come to and why do I have no choice but to believe that I will walk away from this experience having to confess that he truly is the man legend built him up to be? As long as he accomplishes what he is here for I will allow him to continue breathing._

_Pansy is receiving her first treatment this morning and Potter seems optimistic. She was poisoned…a potion administered when she was in the shelter and then Lucius concocted another potion that would react to whatever she had been given already. The combination was poisonous and not only put Pansy's life in peril, but killed her daughter. I feel suffocated by this knowledge and wonder if all of that evil isn't inside me somewhere…the son of a monster with the worst of his demons still brewing just beneath the surface. Even more consuming is the idea that this is the legacy I have to pass down to Scorpius…_

_I miss you both a little more every day that passes and I will come home soon to see you. Tell him…and yourself that I love you beyond measure. Hundreds of thousands of wishes granted await you both so start making your lists._

_Love, _

_Draco_

Draco folded the parchment and slipped it into his book as the door opened and Pansy and Harry emerged. The blond stood quickly and rushed to Pansy's side, "How do you feel?"

"Brilliant!" She smiled at his overwhelming attention and allowed him to escort her to the sofa.

"I brewed a pot of tea; would you like some?" Draco was moving toward the kitchen before Pansy could even respond and just as quickly he returned with a tray that he placed on the table then poured a cup for Pansy. After pouring himself a cup and sitting back he looked up as Harry rolled his eyes. "What's your problem Potter? I brought you a cup, but I am not your bloody house elf."

"Speaking of Kreacher…how is he these days?" Pansy smiled as she looked from Draco to Harry and waited for a response.

Harry poured himself a cup of tea and chuckled, "He's gotten more ornery as he's gotten even older. He's good with the kids though so –"

"How many children do you have now Potter?" Draco took a sip of his tea and wondered why he had interrupted with a thoughtful question or why he even cared.

Pansy and Harry were also startled by Draco's inquiry, but Harry responded proudly, "Three. James is five, Albus is four and Lily is two…" The dark haired man trailed off slightly, pausing for a reaction, and then continued hesitantly, "I met Scorpius when Astoria came to see me at St. Mungo's. I was surprised to hear that her sister Daphne married Oliver Wood –"

"Wait…" Pansy paused to laugh then looked at Draco; a combination of shock and amusement dancing in her eyes as she continued, "Oliver Wood is your brother-in-law?" Draco's expression detailed his annoyance, which only made Pansy laugh harder, "I'm sorry, but that is bloody brilliant."

"There is nothing brilliant about it," Draco rolled his eyes and slipped into a pout as he continued to drink his tea.

Harry chuckled then interrupted Pansy's giggling, "Actually that would be slightly annoying…Oliver can be slightly annoying anyway."

Draco looked up quickly, surprised by their common ground and Harry's betrayal of a fellow Gryffindor that allowed them to agree. "_Annoying_ is certainly a good place to begin the growing list of reasons why I try to be subjected to him as little as possible. Kudos for being able to tolerate him as long as you did…"

"Yes well I didn't have much choice did I?" Harry laughed and started to continue when Pansy's laughter stole both men's attention.

She smiled brightly and took a long drink of her tea before sitting back on the sofa with a contented look, "I never would have imagined that you two could ever be in the same room, civil and establishing ideals you have in common. I can die happy a happy woman."

"Or you will live. If all I have to do is start bantering back and forth with Potter here that is no problem." Draco pulled Pansy close and wrapped his arms around her.

"We can duel if you like. I had no idea our mindless vendetta was the miracle cure all along. That's habit!" Harry laughed, but the shared eye contact he had with Draco was simply another area of agreement; they were both afraid of the one thing Pansy seemed so willing to accept.

Draco kissed the top of Pansy's head and tightened his hold around her. _I won't let you go…never again._

*.*.*.*

_20 August 2010_

_I just returned from the pub; I sent out Astoria's letter, and now Pansy is sound asleep. Blaise and Madi were here when I returned and they took Potter with them to get something to eat. I'm not even hungry; too conflicted with everything that is happening to consider food…or myself for that matter. I'm trying to hold it together, but all that is happening here, all the truths revealed have sent me into a spiral of worry and doubt about everything._

_There is no way to erase this poisonous potion from my mind. Lucius Malfoy, my father, the most influential male figure in my life…well besides Snape, but his influences are a whole other psychiatric session…I was raised by a man cold enough to kill an innocent child so what does that mean for me? Potter has the legacy of leading the magical world to victory over the darkest wizard of all time to pass down to his sons and I may someday have to explain to little Scorpius that his grandfather killed his sister. I wonder if Astoria would not be best to take this opportunity and run with Scorpius, as far away from me as she can…just like Pansy did. I realize now of course that she was never really running from me, but…what if I'm him? Certainly it must have crossed her mind considering I was horrible to her for the first decade we were together. What if there is no way to avoid the forthcoming break in my reality that will turn me into an evil, heartless, diabolical maniac? I've been close once before…and I have no mentor to step in and do the dirty work for me this time this time._

Draco closed his book when Pansy stirred on the sofa. He moved from the chair to sit beside her and brushed a few messy hairs from her face, "How do you feel?"

"Bad…where is Harry?" She tried to sit up, but collapsed back against the sofa and closed her eyes, "Don't panic," Pansy reached for Draco's hand and opened her eyes again. She forced a smile and attempted to sit up again; this time successfully. "It's normal for me to feel ill after a treatment."

He tried to follow her instructions, but panic was turning to terror with every passing second and finally he stood frantically, "Blaise and Madi took Potter for something to eat. Do either of them have a mobile phone?"

"Madi does, but Blaise always makes her leave it at home when they go out to eat." She winced as she shifted on the sofa and giggled when Draco nearly fell over the coffee table trying to get back to her side. She brushed her hand gently down his face and smiled, "I promise that I will be fine Love…just breathe because I can not help should you pass out."

"Breathe…" he paused to take a deep breath in and exhaled quickly, "There…now what else can I do for you?"

"Go into my room, open the drawer of the night table and bring me the small green square thing that will have a cord wrapped around it with two little earpieces attached." Pansy smiled at the confused look on Draco's face, "Trust me, you'll know what I'm talking about when you see it."

Draco stood quickly and returned with the item Pansy requested. He sat down and handed it to her, "Let me guess…a _chosen one_ designed instrument to assist with your recovery." The blond rolled his eyes as Pansy played with the contraption.

"Actually Harry had nothing to do with inventing the I-Pod and this is for your relaxation which will thereby assist with my recovery." She leaned forward to put the earpieces into Draco's ears when he flinched backward. "It plays music Draco; you look like I'm about to administer you an electric shock."

"How would I know that? What is _podding?" _Draco's eyebrow arched and he felt his cheeks start to burn when Pansy laughed. "What is so funny?"

"_Podding?"_

"Well you said _I pod_ so…what will I be doing then? What is _podding_?" Draco rolled his eyes and sat back on the sofa, "I'll just sit here and breathe…that is how I will relax."

Pansy's strength seemed to grow in the distraction of Draco dealing with a new Muggle concept. She moved close to him, put one ear piece in her ear and held the other out to Draco, "We'll do this together…just put this in your ear."

Hesitantly he took the earpiece from her and put it in his ear. Within a split second there was music pouring into his ear and he looked over at her with a smile, "What is this rubbish?"

"This is _The Cure –_"

"Ha! I knew it…only Potter would invent something called _podding." _Draco sat back, satisfied with his keen ability to figure almost anything out. Before long he was pulled into the melancholy tones and near desperation of the vocalist's voice, and without even realized he was completely relaxed.

Pansy offered Draco the other earpiece then curled up next to him, closed her eyes and drifted off to sleep. The blond, swept into the musical world of _The Cure_ was quick to follow the dark haired girl's lead.

*.*.*.*

The next morning no amount of music or Muggle inventions could calm Draco's growing concerns. Pansy had slept through the night, but woke weak and violently ill complete with headache, fever and the inability to control her stomach. Draco had moved Pansy to her bedroom during the night and all morning she remained behind closed doors with Harry; two agitated and pacing Slytherin men and a frantic witch going back and forth between them on the other side.

"Shouldn't he be coming out here and telling us _something_ at any moment? As if we're not out here going mental. He's punishing us." Draco slammed down into one of the overstuffed chairs and Blaise mirrored him in the opposing chair.

"I'm sure as soon as there is something to tell he will be out here." Blaise ran his hands roughly over his face and pulled Madi to sit on his lap when she approached. He wrapped his arms tightly around her, "I'm sorry you have to deal with us Love. I'm sure it's not been fun catering to our meltdowns this morning."

"It certainly gives me even more perspective about why Pansy is the strongest woman I've ever known. I can only imagine what you two were like during your adolescent years." Madi kissed Blaise gently then smiled at Draco, "She is going to be fine Draco. She is always ill after a treatment, but she always pulls through. And you're here now…she has everything in the world to live for."

"Thank you…" Draco smiled slightly then looked down.

Uncomfortable and deafening silence fell over the living room that remained uninterrupted for what seemed like an eternity until Harry emerged from Pansy's room. He put his hand up to quiet the three now frantic people approaching him, "She's resting. I was able to calm her stomach and lower her fever. The headache unfortunately will have to run its course."

"When can I see her?" All eyes focused on Blaise who appeared more afraid then anyone had ever seen before; even Draco.

"You can go in now, but don't wake her…and one at a time." Harry backed away as Blaise flew past him and into Pansy's room. "Why don't we sit? Draco, I'm sure you'd rather see her when she's awake anyway right?"

Draco looked surprised that Harry had addressed him by first name and was even more shocked that Harry seemed to genuinely understand the feeling of wanting to punch Blaise in the face for rushing to Pansy first. Then again it was Blaise who had been there for so many years before. No doubt the sentiment of wanting to punch someone was mutual every time anyone mentioned that Pansy did not care about anyone's presence as much as Draco's. Suddenly the resentment subsided and the blond finally rejoined the conversation as he sat on the sofa. "How is she really?"

Harry was focused on the carpet and paused for a short time before looking up at Draco hesitantly, "She's weak…but I have faith that the worst is over and that she is going to be feeling better in no time."

"Are you telling me what I want to hear Potter or possibly what Pansy told you to tell me?" Draco sulked on the sofa, holding back tears that had been building for days and seemed nearly impossible to hold back any longer.

"I'm being honest…I think she is going to be better. I can not say how the treatment itself is going to work because it is too early, but –"

The bedroom door opened and Blaise seemed calmer as he walked into the living room and sat down next to Madi. "She's awake…and says she is feeling a bit better." Draco exhaled loudly and collapsed back into the sofa and Blaise looked over at him, "I wouldn't get too comfortable; she wants to speak with you."

The blond was on his feet and at Pansy's bedside as quickly as if he had apparated. He sat on the edge of her bed and gently took her hand, "You scared the bloody hell out of me this morning."

"I'm sorry…to be honest I scared the hell out of myself." She feebly squeezed his hand and smiled, "I'm feeling a bit better now."

"That's what Blaise said," Draco leaned over and kissed her forehead, "And now you need to rest so you can feel even better."

When Draco started to pull away Pansy ran her fingers into the back of his hair and pulled his lips to hers. When they separated after a brief moment, and Draco rested his forehead against hers she whispered, "And while I'm resting I want you to go home and check on your family." The blond pulled away and Pansy interrupted his response, "I expect you to come back, but for the next day or so I am going to be sleeping most of the time and I think it is important that you go home and see Astoria and Scorpius. I saw the look on your face when Harry brought him up yesterday and I know you miss him."

"The look was more because Astoria actually took him to meet Potter; but yes I do miss him terribly." Draco paused and gazed into Pansy's eyes. The slightest twinkle had returned and he felt comfortable with the idea of leaving to alleviate the other knot in his stomach that was screaming to sweep his wife and son into his arms. "Promise me that you are not going to ask Blaise and Potter to move you into some secret location so that I can't find you when I come back."

She squeezed his hand and smiled; though it was obvious she was holding back tears, "I am going to be here when you return…and I want you to return."

He leaned in to kiss her once more gently then stood and started toward the door. He stopped just before opening it and turned to her, "I love you."

"I love you too. Please be careful." Pansy blew him a kiss and smiled as Draco walked out the door.

He paused as he closed the door behind him then started into the living room to share his plans of returning to London. _Please don't let her die while I'm gone._

*.*.*.*

As soon as Draco stepped out of the floo in the Manor he wanted to return to America. He considered it for a split second when suddenly he heard the frantic pounding of little feet down the staircase and the ear piercing welcome he had not even realized how much he needed.

"Daddy! You're home, you're home, you're home!" Scorpius had not yet reached the bottom step when he threw himself trustingly into Draco's arms and wrapped his arms tightly around his father's neck. "I missed you."

Draco held tight to his son and once again there were overwhelming tears building in his eyes. Suddenly he felt a hand on his back; he turned and pulled Astoria into a long kiss before saying anything. As soon as he wrapped his arms around her and felt Scorpius' arms tighten around his neck the tears became more than he could battle and rolled furiously down his face. He could not wait to go back to Pansy and knew once he was there he would not be able to wait to come back to Astoria and Scorpius. He was trapped between worlds, but happy to take all that he could from both. For now he was home and unable to let his family go for one second they had together.

Astoria finally pulled away and smiled brightly at him, "What are you doing here? I just received your letter and was startled when I heard Scorpius greeting you. I thought it was another false alarm."

"False alarm?" Draco looked from Astoria to Scorpius who suddenly buried his face in his hands. "What happened?"

The little blond boy looked up and smiled hesitantly, "The other day, I thought I heard you, come into the Manor, and up the stairs, but it was not you, it was grandma Narcissa… and she said that you would come see me soon…so that night…I thought I heard you again…but it wasn't you it was…the wind." Scorpius buried his face quickly again, this time in Draco's shoulder.

Astoria reached over and pinched Draco's arm, joining with Scorpius' laughter at the squeal. "Just making sure you're real this time Love."

Draco kissed her head and led her into the living room, "I'm real…now come in here and sit down so that I can look at both of you…make sure you're real…with no pinching."

"None at all?" Astoria's cheeks rushed red and she looked down.

"We'll discuss that later." Draco smiled and sat down with Scorpius on his lap, "So…I hear you met the chosen one."

"I like Harry Potter…and he's not the stinky you said Daddy…he gave me a sucker and let me listen to mum's heartbeat." Scorpius smiled and whispered in Draco's ear, "But he's not as brilliant as you are Daddy."

Draco hugged him tight and looked up at Astoria, "Don't look so worried…I'm not mad. I suppose I can agree that Potter is not as _stinky_ as I previously believed."

"And how is Pansy?" Astoria's concern did not waiver and she looked suddenly to Scorpius who interrupted.

"She's not gone to see Emma yet…" The little boy trailed off and rested his head on Draco's shoulder.

Astoria started to respond, but Draco interrupted, "Ice cream…I think we should go to Diagon Alley and have some ice cream." He stood suddenly and pulled Astoria to her feet, "Objections?"

"Not when you just announced it in front of our four year old who you can barely hold onto now because he's so excited." She kissed Scorpius' head then pulled Draco into a long kiss, "I love you."

"I love you too." Draco smiled and when Astoria took his arm he apparated them from the living room straight to Diagon Alley.

*.*.*.*

The Malfoys spent the entire next day together and after one more night of alone time for Draco and Astoria he returned to America. He sat in the booth at the pub for a few hours before returning to Pansy's house; trying to put his life at home on the back burner and pull Pansy, the girl he had loved his whole life back to the forefront. When he finally knocked on the door he was surprised by who greeted him.

"Malfoy…"

"Weasley…Potter…" Draco smiled slightly and waited for the littlest Weasley to invite him in. "Ginny…I'm sorry…I'm supposed to be here…Pansy asked me to come back."

"I know," Ginny returned the smile and stood back to allow him entry, "She hasn't shut up about you since I arrived yesterday."

Draco followed the redhead into the living room and was elated to find Pansy sitting on the sofa, dressed and brighter than she had been in days. He was even more surprised when the dark haired girl rushed to him and pulled him into a long hug. "Welcome back…I'm feeling much better as you can see."

Pansy tried to pull away, but Draco refused to let her go. He inhaled deeply, familiarizing himself with the way her hair smelled and the perfect combination of lavender and vanilla drifting from her skin. "You look beautiful."

She pulled away just enough to look up at him and ran her fingers through his hair, "You too…refreshed and peaceful…it's a good look for you." Pansy successfully pulled away, took Draco's hand and led him into the living room. "So how is the family?"

"They are well…and Scorpius made you this," Draco reached into the pocket of his jacket and handed Pansy a folded piece of parchment. There was a rainbow and a sun on the front and a heart on the inside that said _smile_ through the center.

Pansy's eyes were full of tears when she looked up at Draco, "That is adorable. Tell young Malfoy I said thank you."

"Of course…so…how are you doing really?" Draco could not take his eyes from Pansy for even a minute though he could feel all eyes in the room glued to them.

"Let's take a walk," she started to stand when Harry's interrupted by clearing his throat. Pansy looked up at him and smiled, "Just to the back yard."

"No further…I told you that by the end of the week you can go running all over town if you want, but right now you need to rest." Harry looked sternly at Pansy then to Draco.

"That is easy enough to remedy," Draco stood and picked Pansy up, "Where to my lady?"

"To the back yard!" She smiled and wrapped her arms around Draco's neck as he carried her outside despite the questioning glances around the room. He set her down on a bench across the yard, sat next to her and pulled his wand from his jacket. There was suddenly a blanket from Pansy's room in his hand and he wrapped it around her shoulders. "Are you comfortable?"

She closed her eyes when Draco's arms locked around her, "Completely. I didn't expect you back so soon. Did you really have a nice visit at home?"

"Brilliant. We went to Diagon Alley, flying around the field behind the Manor…Scorpius got a new potion set and we played with that for hours." Draco paused and smiled at Pansy looking up at him, "But I missed you terribly the entire time."

"Well I am really glad that you're back…terrible as that may be." She blushed and looked down quickly, but back up when Draco chuckled.

"You may be the only one. I thought for a moment that Mrs. Potter was going to punch me in the face." He sighed and thought about all of the things he had done and said that would have justified such a welcome from any one of the inhabitants of Pansy's house.

Pansy laughed quietly, "This is the first time that you and Ginny have been in a position to be civil. I'm not saying she's completely let go of the past, but she understands how important it is to me that you are here and she is fully aware of how much you have changed. Just be patient…and behave."

"I promise," he kissed her head then looked up when the patio door opened and Madi rushed out.

"Are you two hungry? Harry and Ginny are going to the pub to pick up food." She sat in the wicker chair across from them, "You two are bloody adorable right now. I wish I had a camera."

"A camera! We need one…we need to take as many pictures of all of us together as possible." Pansy pulled away from Draco and nearly bounced with excitement. "We need to get Harry to let me go shopping and we can take Ginny into the city."

"We need to listen to everything that Potter says and make sure you get plenty of rest. You can take the littlest Weasley into the city when the master Healer gives you clearance and not before."

Pansy looked to Madi nodding furiously in agreement then to Draco, "You are taking Harry Potter's side?"

"He's the one who is going to make sure we don't lose you Pans; what he says goes!" Draco kissed Pansy's head and smiled at Madi, "You and Blaise should go have dinner with the Potters…and I will make Pansy one of her very favorite things to eat."

Pansy looked up at him and arched her eyebrow, "I don't know if that is really appropriate when you just returned from visiting your family…" She buried her burning face in Draco's chest before she could continue.

Draco looked up at Madi and smiled through a fiery blush, "That isn't what I was talking about."

Madi stood quickly and laughed, "Well…I think that Blaise and I will leave you two alone for a while. Behave yourselves and remember that Pansy is supposed to be resting." She started to walk away and laughed when Draco shouted.

"That isn't what I meant!" Once Madi was out of sight Draco kissed the top of Pansy's head, "Flattered, but I can not believe you actually just said that."

She looked up and laughed; her face bright red, "I can't believe I did either, but it's the truth. Must be the treatment…makes me blurt inappropriate things…so what about this dinner you are cooking me?" Pansy buried her face again and laughed.

"If memory serves me correctly you are a fan of breakfast for dinner." He smiled when her head shot up and a wave of excitement illuminated her face.

"Waffles?"

Draco nodded then scooped her up in the blanket and carried her inside. He was pleased that the other couples had already left for the evening and he placed Pansy gently on the sofa, "You wait here and I'll be right back."

Pansy grabbed a hold of his collar before he could get far. She kissed him quickly and smiled, "I love and adore you Draco Malfoy. Somehow I always knew even when things seemed completely hopeless or when you made loving and adoring you the most difficult…I always knew that someday you would make it all worth it."

"I loved and adored you a lot longer than you ever knew…certainly before I was aware of it myself." He leaned down to kiss her, this time with more passion and pleading; when he pulled away he smiled and rushed toward the kitchen, "Don't move a muscle…brilliant things await you."

She smiled and rested her head back against the sofa, whispering to herself, "The more brilliance we can cram in the better…because I fear time is short."

*.*.*.*

By the end of the week Harry had given his blessing for Pansy to travel outside of the backyard and she took full advantage of the opportunity to show Draco one of her favorite places in the city. They walked hand in hand through Grant Park and finally rested on a bench in front of the brilliantly lit fountain. The chemistry between them had returned to the same level of calm they had once experienced in the cottage ten years earlier; there was no need to speak, just to be close. They sat and watched the sunset; Pansy's head on Draco's shoulder, practically purring as he ran his fingers gently through her dark hair.

The treatment that Harry administered appeared to be working though everyone still seemed a bit hesitant about excitement; everyone besides Draco of course. The blond was adamant that Pansy would not die and took it upon himself to instill that belief in everyone around her. He even caught himself delivering a dissertation about the advancements in Healer medicine since Emma's death; delicately of course. At one point he went on for nearly a half hour about how brilliant Harry Potter actually was and how his treatment was the one that would cure all of Pansy's ills. As her strength grew Pansy even started believing all the positive declarations Draco made and became convinced it was his presence that was actually going to save her. Her improvement was remarkable and the atmosphere around her lightened as her one week check up loomed.

A breeze carried through the park off Lake Michigan and Pansy shuddered. "Even in the summer the wind here is cold." She reached into her boot and pulled out her wand. Within minutes a worn sweater appeared in her hands and she pulled it over her head.

Draco reached over to brush down stray hairs all over the girl's head and chuckled as he took notice of the sweater, "I can't believe you still have one of your old school sweaters."

"Actually it's one of your old school sweaters. I appropriated it during sixth year because you were never around and I needed something that smelled like you." She looked down and her body visibly shuddered; though she calmed as Draco's arms wrapped around her again.

A long silence developed between them before Draco quietly interrupted, "I can never undo the things I did during sixth year; the things you dealt with for years before and the way you suffered because of me in the years after…" Pansy put her fingers to Draco's mouth to quiet him and he playfully snapped his teeth at her, "I know that you don't want apologies, but it doesn't mean that I feel any less responsible." He ran his fingers through her hair and down her face, "I love you so much more than I can even comprehend. And tomorrow will be nothing but good news…because you can't leave me ever again…we promised a much different forever."

"I could never have survived this without you…so thank you for never giving up on me." She smiled as tears rolled down her face and she started to look down when Draco's hand held her chin up to look at him.

He wiped her face and smiled, "Quite sure that should actually be my line love. You never gave me a reason to run from you and I am prepared to give you every reason in the world to stay this time."

"I accept." She smiled and kissed him gently then rested her head back against his shoulder and they spent hours holding each other as the stars filled the night sky.

*.*.*.*

The next morning Draco sat on the sofa, thumbing through a magazine from Pansy's coffee table, but not paying attention to anything other than the closed door of the spare room. Suddenly he was startled by fingers snapping in his face; breaking his focus.

"Draco! I arrived and have been sitting here for almost twenty minutes waiting for you to acknowledge me. Do you sleep with your eyes open or are you just rude?" Madi smiled and sat back on the sofa across from him.

Blaise laughed from the kitchen and Draco smiled apologetically, "I'm sorry…I'm just distracted…and rude I suppose. Pansy is in there with Potter; the one week test to see if the treatment is working. They've been in there a while." He looked back at the door quickly then forced himself to focus on Madi.

"Its amazing how much better she is; I have to believe that whatever the news is when they come out it will be good." Madi reached out for Draco's hand before continuing, "Our cheerleader can't start looking worried now." She smiled and squeezed his hand before releasing it then opened her book as she got comfortable on the sofa.

"What are you reading?" Draco's eyebrow arched as he examined the cover of the girl's book. The picture did not move so it was obviously a Muggle book and on the front was a shirtless and tattooed man whose face was partially cut off and who appeared to be a giant standing in the middle of a city.

Madi was instantly a little giddy and she smiled brightly as she looked at the cover and then at Draco, "_City of Bones_…it's about Shadowhunters…and this one Shadowhunter…this is him on the cover and his name is –"

"_Jace!"_ Blaise exclaimed in a fake and swooning voice as he entered the living room. He sat on the sofa next to Madi and chuckled, "Draco does not care about that book simply because it is a Muggle book."

She looked dreamily at the cover, "Oh that it weren't a Muggle book and he moved." Madi looked back up at the two men staring at her and she giggled, "It's a really good book, Pansy is reading it too; she said Jace reminds her of you Draco."

Draco looked moderately annoyed and Blaise chuckled as he responded, "Didn't you say that this Shadowhunter was arrogant and moody? Seems about right."

"He's tortured by his sense of duty, truths about his family that come to light late in his teenage years and an evil bastard for a father that he feels an unreasonable loyalty to. This is the second time I've read it." Madi looked up at Blaise then the slightly horrified expression on Draco's face.

"Someone stole my life and wrote a Muggle book about it!" Draco snatched the book from Madi's hand and looked at the cover, "That could be me if my hair was longer…and I allowed someone to deface my exquisite skin."

Madi grabbed the book back and smiled, "They are runes…protection…they fade."

Blaise rolled his eyes and wrapped his arms around Madi, "How can I compete with fading protection runes?"

Before the banter could continue the door of the spare room opened and Harry and Pansy emerged into the living room. Draco stood and rushed to them, "Well?"

"Things seem to be working." Pansy smiled and wrapped her arms around Draco's waist. "Let's go celebrate…and tomorrow…let's plan on having a barbeque or something. Get everyone together, eat a ton of food, see where the night takes us; it will be fun."

Draco breathed a sigh of relief at Pansy's renewed sense of living life. The sparkle had almost completely returned and he started believing that Potter was a genius and everything was finally going to be all right. The couples went to _The Piasa_ that night and continued the celebration the next day at Pansy's house. Morning turned to afternoon and by evening everyone had eaten enough to slow down the pace. As the stars cast over the sky couples started going off in their own directions for some quiet time.

Pansy walked up to Draco sitting on the swing in the yard and held out her hand, "Dance with me."

"There's no music." He took her hand, and smiled as he stood and pulled her close.

"Rumor has it you're some kind of wizard or something. Can't you make a little music?" Pansy cast a challenging smile up at Draco and laughed when a pack of fairies appeared playing instruments. "Fairies too?"

Draco spun her around and pulled her close to him again, "Nothing but the best for you Love." He rested his forehead against hers and whispered, "I'm so relieved that you are up and dancing and with me…"

"You realize that these last two weeks have more than made up for every horrible things that happened between us at Hogwarts right?" Pansy giggled when Draco dipped her then pulled her close against him again. "I suppose I should not let you off so easy, but you have been everything I daydreamed about. If I didn't know better I'd think you read my journal."

"Didn't have to," he smiled slyly and rested his forehead against hers again, "I've been reading your mind since we were eleven. It just took me a lifetime to find my feet, point them toward you and keep you from running; I imagine you could say it's been a process." He paused and spun her again then looked deep into her eyes when he pulled her back, "And since you're going to live I want to talk about our future."

Pansy instantly tensed from head to toe and she took a deep breath, obviously fighting for her words. "And what did you have in mind because I've already told you that –"

"I have heard every word you've said Pansy, but there is no way we can say goodbye after all of this. So I propose that we try something we have never tried before… _friends_. I know everyone says you and I could never be friends, but two weeks ago you thought you were dying and from the way it looks now you've overcome the odds. Maybe we'll get lucky with these odds as well."

She smiled and looked into his eyes for a long time before she continued, "I want you around for the rest of my life Draco…I accept however we have to label it."

"I love you," he kissed her gently and rested his cheek against hers and they danced quietly into the night.

*.*.*.*

_29__th__ August 2010_

_The improvement in Pansy over the last few days has been remarkable. According to her and Potter the treatment is working and there is no reason to question it. She has planned this whirlwind day of sightseeing for us today; I do not even care what our itinerary involves as long as I get to spend yet another day with her. I am thrilled that she is healing and that she will live the long full life she deserves, but I am panicked about the idea of our time together ticking away. The decisions have not changed…I will eventually return to London. Of course Pansy's birthday is in two days so I will at least be staying for that and…I don't know when I'll be ready to leave; certainly not before I have an opportunity to ask her about Emma. I've been waiting for her to feel better and…in order to feel better myself I have to know before I go back for good._

_If only I could convince her to come to London…_

Draco looked up from his book when Pansy walked into the living room, "You look beautiful as always."

She looked down at her torn jeans and green sweater pulled over a white t-shirt, "I think you're biased."

"I think you're lovely." He ran his fingers through her silky brown hair and rested them at the base of her neck; tangling around the hair that fell past her shoulders, "So where are we going today?"

She took a deep breath as his hand moved down her back, "Well we are going somewhere that is not here before we get ourselves in trouble." Pansy chuckled and took another deep breath, "I am going to show you all of my favorite places in the city. Starting with a little Muggle coffee shop called _Starbucks_."

"_Starbucks_…there's one on every corner. I certainly hope you plan on taking me somewhere a little more exotic." Draco laughed and grabbed his jacket from the chair as he followed a now pouting Pansy to the door, "I was kidding."

"Me too…well not about the Starbucks…but once I have my espresso then I will show you a day you will never forget." She took his hand and led him out the door.

"As long as you are there with me then my retention of the day's events is certain." Draco kissed her hand and as soon as they hit the walkway they disapparated from sight.

*.*.*.*

The sun was trying to rise on the next day by the time Draco and Pansy returned from their adventurous day in the city. In less than twenty four hours they managed to accomplish museums, shopping, eating, dancing in the park, carriage rides, taxi rides that terrorized Draco half to death. They achieved the complete removal of reality and to the unknowing eye it would have appeared they were the ones who had been married for the last ten years and looking forward a lifetime of similar days together.

Once they finally arrived back to Pansy's Draco collapsed on the sofa and reflected on the whirlwind day. He continued to try and tell himself that the idea of being friends with Pansy was going to be sufficient to sustain his life, but after another brilliant day together he started to doubt if it would ever be enough. And then he started dreading the time when Pansy was declared _healed_ at which point it would be time for him to return to London. He closed his eyes at the bitterness of the thought and was interrupted when Pansy sat down next to him and grabbed his hand. He looked up at her and smiled, "You must be exhausted after today...yesterday technically. Why don't I draw you a bath and –"

"I need to talk to you about something first." She smiled, but there was immense sadness behind her eyes and a distinct tremor in her voice.

After the sorted past that they had shared, Draco was able to sense immediately when something was wrong and whatever Pansy had to say it was obviously bad. He moved closer to her and rubbed her back gently, "You can tell me anything, but do you want to wait until morning…or at least later? I mean…are you going to tell me to leave? Because if you are then please wait because I am still floating from the day we just shared."

Pansy looked down and tears rolled down her face and onto their hands joined in her lap, "I'm not going to ask you to leave, in fact it occurred to me today that I could never let you leave no matter how many times I thought about pushing you away."

"Well good because I choose to stay," he lifted her face and kissed her quickly before continuing, "I've been thinking about it for days and I have decided that I have to be close to you always. I'm so happy that you agree and…" he trailed off when Pansy's expression did not lighten and her tears increased.

"I wish I had the choice to stay, but…" She pulled her hand away and dried her face. It appeared that Pansy made several attempts to continue, but nothing was coming out of her mouth and after a long pause she looked down again.

Draco's heart was racing and his hands started to shake as he reached for hers again, "I don't understand. You can't let me leave, I don't want to leave…so where are you going and why can't I come with you?"

Another long silent pause developed between them and Draco wondered if Pansy was even paying attention until she looked up at him suddenly. Her eyes were pleading and full of tears waiting to fall; she whispered when she finally spoke. "I lied to you…after my meeting with Harry on Saturday. I told you that the treatment was working, and it was…at first, but…the infection has spread…to my heart and…now it's officially broken because I finally have you back, but I have to leave again." Pansy reached up to dry the tears falling down Draco's face, "I'm so sorry…that I let this happen, even though I swore I would not let you get close to me again…and now your heart will be broken too."

For a long time Draco just sat very still. He was looking at Pansy, but he could not focus on anything other than the irrational need he had to punch something or scream at someone. They finally both agreed that what they had together was something more brilliant than anything in the world; something they could not walk away from again. After everything that they had been through how could the universe deny them another chance? How after all the years that had passed was karma still so angry or destiny determined to destroy them?

There were a million things that Draco considered saying at that moment. More powerfully motivating and positive speeches about how they had overcome everything and this would be no different, but he saw something new in Pansy's eyes and her acceptance of the inevitable told him that the only thing he need prepare to say was goodbye. Finally he cleared his throat, doing nothing to dissipate the lump that had developed, which caused his voice to crack, "What else did Harry say?"

"He has returned to London to convene with his colleagues and his journals, but…the treatments would be risky and I'm not willing to sacrifice any time I have left. That is why I planned today; because I wanted to show you all of my favorite places in Chicago before it was too late. I made the mistake of wasting my time with Emma and I will not make the same mistake with you." She squeezed his hand and started to continue when Draco interrupted.

He leaned forward until his forehead rested against hers and he spoke softly, "Well if today is any indication of your strength then we will have years together Pans." Draco paused to pull her into a long kiss and when they separated he kept his head rested against hers, "And they are going to be brilliant."

"I know they will…" she trailed off and tears once again streamed furiously down her cheeks, "Though I think you should prepare for months…maybe weeks only because…the infection will progress quickly now that it's in my heart. I guess that's because I didn't use it enough when I was younger that it's not as strong as it should be." Pansy ran her fingers through his hair and gently down his cheek, "I think the only thing that's kept me this long are the people who reside there…you are a permanent fixture."

Draco rested his hands on the sides of Pansy's arms and pulled away enough to look her in the eyes, "And I will fight and claw to keep you here Pans. You'd never intentionally hurt me so you can not under any circumstances give up because losing you again…_forever_…will destroy me. No one in your heart can have the pull I have."

"I've got you pulling me from one side…" Pansy trailed off and her tears caused a painful sounding gasp for air as she continued, "And Emma on the other…" Before she could continue or Draco could react Pansy pulled away from him and rushed to her room.

Draco sat motionless on the sofa except for the tears rolling like burning acid down his pale cheeks. _She spends all her time waiting for her mum to arrive…she said it will be soon. _Scorpius' words drilled through Draco's mind and a wave of adrenaline rushed through his entire body. He stood, paused to look at Pansy's room and to absorb the sound of her labored sobs, then picked up his wand and walked out the front door.

*.*.*.*

_30 August 2010_

_The infection has spread to her heart…one may question if I was the infection all along…the one that attacked her heart when she was eleven therefore I am the one who caused all of the initial damage. I thought we were having a day that made up for all of the horrible days we spent apart. I thought we were pledging to stay together and all she was doing is saying goodbye. I thought we would be celebrating her birthday tomorrow and the start of a new life together and instead it will be just a countdown…to months or weeks._

_I've been sitting in a bloody Starbucks all bloody day trying to figure out how I will ever survive without her. I used all of those energies during the last ten years and now that I have her back I challenge the universe to take her from me again. Of course I've probably ruined my chances of spending what little time we have left with her anyway. I'm sure my disappearing act this morning will be more than frowned upon by her Calvary. Blaise will probably curse me on sight._

_The sun in setting and the odd Muggles are starting to fill the streets. I should go back and talk to Potter about him finally sharing the details of this potion so that I can try and come up with a way to save Pans myself. I have to make sure I don't end up banished from her side and the longer I sit here the more likely I am to be shunned._

_SHE CAN NOT DIE! I WILL NOT ACCEPT THIS! I WILL NOT LOSE HER AGAIN AND I WILL NOT ALLOW MY FATHER TO TAKE ANYTHING MORE FROM ME!_

Draco slammed his book shut, pulled his wand from his jacket and disapparated from the café with no care about the surrounding Muggles. He arrived outside Pansy's door and paused for several long minutes before knocking. The blond looked up as the door opened and his stomach turned when he saw Harry. "I suppose its better _you_ answered than _Blaise_." He had not intended on vocalizing that statement, but started into the house hoping to just move past the blurting.

"Is that because you are under the impression that I hold less authority to destroy you if Pansy is hurt in any way? That's naïve." Harry moved backwards and rolled his eyes, "Luckily your little disappearing act did not subject you to such consequences. She understands how difficult this is for you and that you can only deal with it in your way."

"I'm not sure how comfortable I am with the idea of you and Pansy discussing me in such a way that would allow you and me to be having this conversation right now. In fact, please refrain from discussing me at all." Draco looked into the living room then back to Harry, "Where is she?"

"Madi and Pansy took Ginny shopping; they should be back in a few hours." Harry returned to the living room and sat in the chair before looking up and continuing, "You are more than welcome to wait for her."

"Am I? Well thank you Potter for your permission." Draco surveyed the living room quickly then took a seat on the sofa across from Harry. As soon as he sat he wanted to get back up. Unfortunately his mind started to wander, to the day on the train when he had caught Potter eavesdropping and suddenly the need to stomp on his face again overwhelmed the blond.

Harry looked up from the medical journal he was reading and glared at Draco. "Why are you looking at me like we're sixteen years old again and you want to stomp on my face?"

"How did you know that?" Draco's annoyance took over and he rolled his eyes, "And if you're using those Legilimency skills that _my_ mentor taught you…stop it."

"So the truth comes out then…you hate me because you're jealous that you weren't Snape's only priority." Harry chuckled bitterly and returned to his journal.

Draco reached forward and picked up a book from Pansy's coffee table then pretended to pay it attention as he hissed, "How is it possible that no one besides me can see you for the self-important, arrogant git that you are Potter? What is your secret?"

"Well for starters I don't generally express sentiments such as that, out loud, to other people." Harry looked up at him and rolled his eyes. "Would you be more comfortable if I moved to another room or –"

"No! I mean…you can stay…I'm going to be reading this book anyway so I've no mind if you stay or go." The blond returned to the book and mindlessly stared at one word in the center of the page.

"Reading the _Mortal Instruments_ are you? The girls all say that one Shadow… Hunter… person…reminds them of you. Now who's the self-important one?" Harry chuckled as Draco threw the book on the table as if it burned him; then he set his journal on the table and looked up at the blond. "Though it probably seems the most inconceivable thing in the world…if you want to talk –"

Draco chuckled and his expression indicated he was slightly offended, "You're not serious Potter?"

"I thought maybe you had questions or –"

"Tell me about the potion." Draco sighed when Harry looked down, "That's what I thought. You know the more she doesn't want me to know about it the more convinced I become that I am some how responsible for all of this."

Harry did look up finally and interrupted before Draco could continue, "I can understand you feeling responsible for the sins of your father, but I assure you that Pansy does not feel any resentment toward you whatsoever. She loves you –"

"And I love her…and I can't lose her Potter…so figure something out. If you think at least sharing the contents of the potion would allow me to lend you some assistance… I'm a dark ingredients master so…just think about it." Draco stood and started pacing. He ran his hands roughly over his face and through his hair, "I feel like I am crawling out of my skin."

"When is the last time you slept?" Harry had returned to reading his medical journal, but looked up at Draco, "You look as if you might pass out where you stand. Why don't you go and lie down and perhaps this will all seem more manageable once you've rested."

Draco stopped pacing and looked at Harry with disdain, "Healer's orders?"

"Something like that. I'll send Pansy in to wake you when she arrives home." Harry looked back down at the book in his lap and Draco walked without response to Pansy's room. He collapsed on the bed and pulled Pansy's pillow to his face; at the initial recognition of her scent filling his senses tears poured from his eyes and he buried his face in the pillow to muffle his sobs. Within minutes he was sound asleep.

*.*.*.*

Draco slept deeply until the next morning and when he woke Pansy was curled up against him. He refrained from moving and soaked in the smell of her hair, the feel of her breath against his chest, the perfection of her proximity. After a few more minutes of gazing Pansy's eyes opened and she smiled. Draco leaned forward and kissed her gently then rested his head against hers, "Happy birthday Love."

"It's certainly off to a good start," she pulled him into a long kiss then jumped up from the bed and smiled down at him, "I want waffles."

He stood quickly and walked over to his bag in the corner. When he returned he held out a long black velvet box with a green bow tied around it. "I'm surprised you don't want one of your presents first." He chuckled when she snatched the box from him and he sat down next to her on the bed.

Pansy pulled the bow off and opened the top of the box to reveal a delicate bracelet lined with tiny gems, "This is beautiful."

Draco removed the bracelet from the box and fastened it around Pansy's wrist, "Birthstones…the Sapphires are for September and the Amethyst for February." He smiled sadly at Pansy's recognition, "I remember you saying Emma's birthday was in February and… I did not want to make you sad, but –"

"Draco it is brilliant…truly," she smiled then looked back down at her bracelet, "Thank you so much."

"You're welcome. Now allow me to make you breakfast while you relax in the living room. Do we still have company? I don't even remember you coming home last night." He led her from the bedroom and set her up comfortably on the sofa.

"You were lost in dreams when I returned." She grabbed his hand as he started to walk away, "I'm so glad that you came back. I'm so sorry to have sprung the news that –"

He interrupted her with a kiss and whispered, "No talk of any of that today. You are as sorry as I am for reacting the way that I did, but that is not important today. This birthday will be the most spectacular birthday you have ever known…and is one of many more to come." He kissed her again then rushed to the kitchen, his mind racing. _I will figure out a way to make sure that is true; I have to._

Not long after Draco's disappearance to the kitchen he returned to the living room, floating a tray of food in front of him with his wand and carrying another small wrapped gift. He smiled in response to Pansy's faint squeal and he sat quickly next to her, "Are you more excited about the present or the waffles?"

"I'm not sure…I don't know what's in the box yet." She smiled and reached out to take the box that Draco playfully pulled away from her, "Can I have it now please?"

He pulled the present back from her so she had to moved closer to him. "This was a recommendation from Madi…she told me to trust her," Draco started to release his hold, but pulled it back quickly, "I think it is strange and impersonal, but…she said –"

"Madi would never lead you astray," Pansy smiled as she pulled the small box free from Draco's grip and opened it to reveal a credit card gift card. She looked up and smiled, "I do love to shop, and I like these because I can shop in multiple places." She looked back down at the card, "And I can spend…" Pansy took a double take at the amount and looked back up, "Are you mental?"

"What? I don't know anything about Muggle money…especially American Muggle money. Is it not enough?" Draco was instantly disappointed. _I knew I should have bought the emerald necklace._

"_Ten thousand dollars?_ I probably won't even live long enough to spend that much money." Pansy chuckled quietly, but looked apologetically at Draco when she saw his expression, "I'm sorry…no talk of that today –"

Draco interrupted as he brushed his hand down her face, "No talk like that ever Pans. You can not die…I'm not sure how much more clearly I can say it. I can not survive without you; so get control of yourself and think positively for starters. Let today be the beginning of the rest of your life not a countdown to the end."

"Well said Malfoy," she leaned over and kissed him, "I love you. Thank you so much for everything. Now let's eat waffles." Pansy smiled and sat back on the sofa after reaching for a plate.

They ate in silence for several long minutes when there was a knock at the door and Pansy smiled; mixed with a sense of panic. "I almost forgot…we will be entertaining guests this afternoon and evening for my birthday."

_Why?_ Draco fought to keep his eyes from rolling and stood to open the door, "Will this be the Zabinis or the Potters?"

"Could be the Weasleys even." Pansy chuckled and turned to see a horror stricken expression on Draco's face, "No worries Love they won't be here until later."

"You mean that wasn't a joke?" Draco forced an uneasy smile and finally opened the door. He sighed with relief, "Good Morning…you're just in time for breakfast."

"It smells delicious in here," Madi stopped to kiss Draco's cheek then laughed at Pansy's commentary from the living room.

"Grab some waffles…they are magical truly!"

Draco chuckled and nodded his greeting to Blaise, "Good morning."

"You made Pansy cook on her birthday? There is something wrong with that Draco." Blaise smiled at the blond's disgusted expression.

"_I _cooked thank you very much!" Draco paused to look into the kitchen at Madi marveling over the spread of food laid out on the counter. "Looks like the fairy is not used to such treatment," he smiled when Blaise rolled his eyes, but Madi interrupted any response.

"I love that I remind you of a fairy," Madi smiled as she walked out of the kitchen with a plate, "And thank you for breakfast." She walked toward the living room and after taking a bite of her food she squealed, "Draco this is delicious!"

The blond smiled triumphantly at Blaise, "Shall I write down the ingredients for you?" 

"Shut up," Blaise rolled his eyes again, but it was obviously playful. "I know how to cook. Where did _you_ learn to cook?"

"Can't say I ever _learned_, but I cooked when Pans and I were in the cottage for that year and…as with everything else I am just skilled." Draco laughed and walked into the kitchen; he looked up at Blaise and spoke softly, "Could I have a word please?" He waited until Blaise was close and continued in hushed tones, "You know that I had no intention of running away from Pansy the other night right? I just…I didn't know how to handle it and –"

"Why do you think you have not seen me here before now? You do not owe me any more explanations Draco. I have seen your loyalty and love for her every minute you've been here. I knew you would come back." Blaise poured himself a cup of coffee and leaned on the counter opposite Draco, "Are you prepared for the Weasley visit this afternoon?"

"NO!" Draco looked up, startled by his volume.

"Everything all right in there," Pansy was laughing as she announced her question; even harder when Draco responded.

"Everything is fine in here…no need for any concern at all about what is being discussed." Draco saw Blaise shaking his head and continued to him quietly, "You shut up. Of course I'm not ready for the _Weasley_ visit. How many of them are coming here? And which ones…and please, please tell me that the mu…Granger…woman is not coming." As Draco's mind wandered through the Weasley family tree he could feel his chest tighten. "Those people hate my bloody guts Blaise; and for very good reason mostly."

"No one had more right to hate you than Harry and you two have been quite civil. Not to mention you and Ginny have gotten on all right since she arrived." Blaise could see Draco's panic starting to mount, "The bottom line is this isn't about you Malfoy. It's not about any of us so whatever Pansy wants, Pansy gets. If she wants _you_ then the Weasleys will do their best to accept and honor her wishes."

Draco started to respond when suddenly Pansy rounded the corner into the kitchen. She wrapped her arms around the blond's waist and looked up at him, "You seem to forget that you are not that same angst ridden, power hungry, evil little boy that you were Draco. Believe it or not you have made quite an impressive name for yourself and there has been no secret that you have distanced yourself from your past for quite some time now."

"Yes but how do you ever forget the things that I've done? I could have screamed from every rooftop for the last decade that I did not mean to do the things that I did. Still regardless of my reasons or my regrets I tried to kill Dumbledore…" Draco trailed off and took a deep breath; remembering that time was never easy.

Pansy reached up and lifted his chin so he was looking at her, "And I practically handed the chosen one to Voldemort…now Harry is one of my best friends. This afternoon is your opportunity to start with a clean slate…slightly dusty at worst." She kissed him quickly, "Now move please so that I may have more waffles."

He stepped to the side and realized that Blaise had left the kitchen. There were a million things he wanted to say, but he could only watch Pansy's every move. Finally she noticed him staring and smiled, "Why are you looking at me like that?"

"Because I love you so much I can not help myself," he pulled her to him and into a long kiss that Madi eventually interrupted.

"Oh my…I was just coming in for more food," she laughed and reached around Pansy to grab two more waffles with her fork then disappeared from the kitchen immediately.

Draco and Pansy were both blushing and Pansy finally broke the awkward tension, "Well…I am going to go and get ready and then I'll come back and clean up," she started out of the kitchen and stumbled slightly. Draco had his arms around her in an instant and she smiled, "You're quick; and I'm fine…just a little light headed." Pansy smiled once more and walked out of the kitchen.

_Find someone else to take Universe because you may not have her! _Draco leaned against the counter and ran his fingers through his hair before pulling out his wand and waving it to start the kitchen clean up.

*.*.*.*

The front door of Pansy's house opened and Draco looked up from his chair in the corner to find one of his worst nightmares playing out in front of him. Through the doorway and pouring into the small foyer was a sea of redheaded ghosts from his past accompanied by the most annoying girl he had ever met. It took everything inside not to roll his eyes when Pansy shot up from the sofa and rushed to greet first the Weasley parents followed by George, Ron and then Hermione. To Draco's relief Ginny had accompanied her family and after a week of co-existing she seemed willing for the most part to give him the benefit of the doubt; just like Potter. The blond tried to remember that this was Pansy's new _family_ and how much worse could they all be than Harry Potter had been for weeks before?

It did not take long for glances and glares to launch in Draco's direction though the conversation continued with Pansy at the lead. "So where are all of the kids?"

George put a friendly arm around Pansy as he responded, "That is where Angelina is actually. She took all the rugrats to Shell Cottage and is going to help Bill and Fleur herd them."

"They are in my prayers," Pansy smiled and started toward the living room, "Come in and sit…"

Draco took a deep breath and suddenly wished that he could disapparate without upsetting Pansy. In his near panic at the fact that he was about to be horribly out numbered he had a fleeting wish that Harry would show up because at least he had tried to accept Draco's presence.

Pansy, who was able to read the look of masked terror on Draco's face walked over and sat on his lap. She took his hand then looked at her guests, "How was the trip? Did you use the floo?"

"We did…how and when did that happen?" Hermione smiled brightly when she looked at Pansy and even offered Draco a friendly expression before grabbing Ron's hand. "It was so much more convenient than flying. Ron is not a fan of Muggle air transportation."

"Because it's bloody terrifying…that high up in the air, no magical control at all…" Draco trailed off and looked at all of the eyes in the room focused on him. Suddenly feeling as if he was not supposed to speak he shifted uncomfortably and scooted Pansy to stand. He kissed her cheek and spoke softly, "I'm going to run a few last minute birthday errands…give all of you time to catch up." He smiled sadly, turned and nodded to Mr. and Mrs. Weasley then headed toward the door.

Draco had one foot safely across the threshold when he felt someone grab his arm and he turned surprised to see Ginny. She gently pushed him out the door then shut it behind her, "I'm sorry…about the tension in there. You must understand that the first meeting was bound to be strange, but I promise that they will come around. And I can't believe I'm about to say this, but I know that they will see the brilliant man you've become."

_Is she being serious?_ Draco smiled, surprised by the littlest Weasley's words, "As long as you believe it Ginny that is enough for me. Thank you…for what you said…it really does mean more than I could ever tell you."

"You realize as long as you are nice to Hermione you will have no problems with Ron or George." Ginny smiled as an unsure expression washed across Draco's pale face. "She has changed a lot too…they all have. The war changed everything…and then Pansy and Emma paved the way to peace…you were a part of that even though you weren't there. And now it's your turn to feel forgiven because I assure you it's only the stupid petty stuff that has gone unforgotten; the rest is a stored memory that no one wishes to recall. Stop punishing yourself and give them a chance…you may be surprised."

Draco's gray eyes were full of tears though he managed to keep them from falling down his face. "Its only been a week since you arrived and so far I am more than surprised. I can finally see the attraction Blaise had all those years –"

"Excuse me?" Ginny's cheeks darkened and she chuckled quietly.

"I wasn't supposed to tell you that." Draco took a deep breath and started imagining the damage control he would have to do once Blaise and Potter found out he had said too much. "It was a long time ago and –"

"Your secret of telling Blaise's secret is safe with me." Ginny smiled as she continued, obviously a bit distracted by her newly acquired knowledge, "So you're coming back right?"

"Of course I am coming back," he smiled as she started to walk away, "Ginny…one more thing that I want to say before you go." Draco took a deep breath when the redheaded girl turned around. He wondered what he was doing and why it was all coming out of him right then; whether he wanted it to or not, "You advised me to feel forgiven so…I'm sorry…for so many different things I did, said, thought; all of it. From the bottom of my heart I am so very sorry…for everything." He looked down and was surprised when he felt Ginny approach and hug him without hesitation.

She squeezed him as tight as he could and whispered, "I forgive you; and I hope you know that whatever comes next we will do whatever we can to help you." Ginny pulled away and smiled, "Only you can stop yourself from reverting back to the scared and tormented little boy that you were Draco, but the people around you can _help_ you stop if you let us. Trust me; we don't want that Draco back anymore than you do."

The sentiments were overwhelming and the acknowledgement of what Ginny meant when she said _whatever comes next_ knocked the breath from his lungs. He forced a smile and broke the silence, "Thank you…" Draco paused again, but only because he was not sure what to say next. Any one of a hundred things spinning around violently in his brain would no doubt cause the tears gathering in his eyes to break free, but suddenly he could not help himself, "She's going to die…isn't she?"

Ginny opened her mouth, a barely audible gasp escaping before her response, "If anyone can keep her here Draco, it's you. So go and run your errands and I'll summon Blaise and Madi over here so you aren't as horribly outnumbered when you return."

"You are something special Weasley…" Draco smiled as she walked away then he turned in the opposite direction and just up the street he disapparated from sight.

*.*.*.*

_1 September 2010_

_Today is Pansy's birthday and presents one and two were well received. I made her breakfast, which Madi also enjoyed when she and Blaise arrived. Then this afternoon many Weasleys and Granger arrived. They obviously hate me; there has never been any love lost between the Malfoys and the Weasleys, but for whatever reason I believed it would be different now. I would have never imagined it could ever be different with Potter and strangely enough I can usually tolerate his presence now. I felt chased out of Pansy's house, but then another strange occurrence. The littlest Weasley followed me out and told me to feel forgiven…I apologized and she accepted…genuinely accepted and told me to let them help me when…_

_I can't write it; I hurt all over even thinking it. Is there anyone in the world who will be able to help me once Pansy is gone forever? Is there any world at all without her in it? Am I friends with the Potters now and if so how in the bloody hell did that happen? I rather like Ginny too…she's spunky. I completely let it slip about Blaise's little crush; I couldn't help it…I was befuddled because she was being so nice to me. I suppose that if the worst does happen, Ginny and Potter and Blaise and Madi will be all I have left of Pans so I should make the best of it. Time to return to the lion's den…literally…_

Draco had been at the pub for what seemed like hours and though it was busy he had easily drifted into his own little world of fear and regret. The blond raised his head as he felt someone approaching, "Potter; what are you doing back so soon?"

Harry sat across from Draco in the booth, "Well I certainly wasn't going to miss Pansy's birthday," he paused to take in the troubled look on Draco's face, "What are you doing here all alone instead of with Pansy on her birthday?"

"The Weasleys arrived this afternoon…and I thought I should give them an opportunity to catch up so I took my leave." Draco rubbed his burning eyes then ran his fingers roughly through his hair before continuing to Harry, "I should be getting back though; I want to spend as much time with Pansy as possible."

Harry's expression matched the blond's sadness, "I hope you know that I have not given up trying to find something that will reverse the effects of the infection. I will not give up on her I promise."

The oddity of every meaningful conversation with Harry, and even Ginny earlier had not ceased to surprise, almost startle Draco. His emotions were unbalanced and he felt vulnerable and volatile and ready to explode or cry or both. Finally he looked up at Harry and spoke in nearly a whisper, "It's not possible to give up on her Potter; trust me I'm an expert on the subject."

It appeared to take all of the strength Draco had to pull himself out of the booth. Harry followed quickly, "So did Ron give you a hard time?"

"He hates me…they all hate me…and for good reason…too many to mention in fact." Draco continued out of the pub then stopped to look at Harry, "No one has more reason to hate me than you however and you don't…neither does Ginny in fact she administered quite the encouraging speech before I left the house. Granger should want to kill me..." _Maybe I should just go back to London and let Pansy celebrate her birthday in peace. _Without finishing his statement Draco started walking off.

"I could have let you die in the Room of Requirement; and I did hate you then, but it did not occur to me to leave you there and it would not have occurred to Ron or Hermione either. You _talked_ a lot then Malfoy, but when it really mattered, if the roles were reversed you would have saved any one of us and you certainly were incapable of murder." Harry paused and approached Draco where he had stopped walking then continued, "I blame Lucius for everything you were then, but you are not that person anymore. Pansy told me the story of how you saved her from the shelter and I have seen everything you have done for her since you found her a few months ago. We only want Pansy to be happy and if you are the one who brings her the most joy then the Weasleys will learn to tolerate you at least. You just have to give them a chance; remember this is mental for all of us."

Draco rolled his eyes and chuckled, "I promise to behave; see to it they agree."

"I'll meet you back at the house then?" Harry took his wand from his pocket and waited for Draco's response.

"I just have one more thing to acquire. I'm right behind you." Draco smiled and when Harry disapparated from sight the blond pulled his wand from his pocket and disappeared.

*.*.*.*

Madi and Ginny planned an elaborate celebration for Pansy's birthday complete with a seven course meal, magical decorations, countless presents and a three tier cake decorated in green and white. Draco felt like a target at dinner, but was happy when Mrs. Weasley recognized his discomfort with being the center of the group's attention and made them stop asking questions. After dinner Pansy opened her gifts: clothes, music and books mostly. After cake and hundreds of hugs and kisses the afternoon turned to evening and hours of stories later Mr. and Mrs. Weasley, Ron, Hermione and George announced their departure for the night.

Pansy stood and hugged each one tightly, conveying love and thanks for a brilliant day. Draco stood back while Harry, Ginny, Madi and even Blaise joined in, and though the day had turned out to be enjoyable as it progressed, the blond did not anticipate there were many hugs intended for him. He was surprised when Hermione approached; a hesitant smile on her face, "I just want to say to you that you surprise me Malfoy. I hardly recognize you in fact and I think it is lovely to see Pansy so incredibly happy."

"I have spent a decade wanting to make Pansy happy." He paused to look at Pansy across the room and his stomach tightened with excitement at the sight of her smile. Finally he looked back to Hermione and realized it was quite possibly the first time he had ever actually looked her in the eye, "Please know that I am aware of the endless apologies and even more so those things which are unforgivable. Still I appreciate the love and care you have all provided Pansy all these years and I hope that my presence here has in no way made your visit with her uncomfortable."

"Still so proper," Hermione chuckled and started to continue when Ron was suddenly standing next to her with his arm wrapped protectively around her waist.

"Is everything all right here?" Ron looked from Hermione to Draco.

"Fine…Draco was apologizing and –"

"Well you'll need loads more time then won't you?" Ron laughed then winced when Hermione's elbow connected with his side. "Sorry…kidding…" the redhead rolled his eyes and looked at Draco, "Harry said that you're a decent human being now and from everything I've seen today I can agree with that theory. Don't know that we'll ever be _friends_ or anything, but I'm not sure you'd want that either so…can we agree to tolerate each other then?"

Draco chuckled, "That is acceptable to me."

Ron smiled then kissed Hermione's head, "See…anything I can do to make you happy Love. Now say your goodbyes and let's get back to the hotel." He swatted Hermione's butt as he walked away and her offended gasp caused him to laugh as he returned to the group.

Hermione smiled through a dark crimson blush, "You and Pansy have a brilliant evening. The Potters, Blaise and Madi were all planning their escape route a few moments ago." She smiled once more shyly, "Good night then," and rushed away.

"Good night." Draco watched the dark haired woman walk away and realized that his entire reality had been altered with a day's worth of strange and unexpected bonding experiences with his former enemies; or at least the people he was told were his enemies.

As Hermione promised, Harry and Ginny left not long after and then Blaise and Madi made their exit. Draco was collapsed on the sofa by the time the door shut and Pansy quickly joined him. She curled up next to him, sighed when his arms wrapped around her, and rested her head on his chest. Draco could hear his heartbeat any time Pansy was so close; he kissed her head, "Did you have a good birthday?"

"The best," she pulled away and looked up at him, "You did very well today. I was worried when you left, but you seemed calmer when you returned so whatever happened I'm glad."

"I can not say what all the fighting before was even about; there seems no reason to continue with pointless vendettas now." Draco leaned close and pulled Pansy into a long kiss. He rested his forehead against hers, "And besides it was your birthday; presents come in all shapes and sizes."

Pansy pulled him into another short kiss then rested her head back against his chest, "Just laying here with you is the best gift in the world. Having you here for the last few weeks has been a blessing."

Draco wrapped his arms tightly around her, but could not make himself respond in any way. The truth was that their opportunities to cuddle on the sofa, his time to look into Pansy's eyes or hear her voice was dwindling away and he was powerless to stop it. After nearly an hour of letting his mind wander and being interrupted by the smell of her hair and the feel of her heart beating against him Draco noticed Pansy's gazing dreamily at the bracelet he bought her. Suddenly a thought filtered to the front of his mind and he interrupted the silence, "Can I ask you something that might upset you?"

Pansy chuckled quietly and kept her head rested against his chest, "I certainly appreciate the warning; and I imagine now would be the time to ask me anything you want to know."

He paused and took a deep breath. Having waited for the perfect opportunity to confirm his own selfish suspicions there seemed no more appropriate time to simply ask the question. "Was Emma my daughter?"

Draco had played the moment out in his head hundreds of times and always with a different result. He was therefore not surprised when Pansy did not move, did not breathe, for several long moments before finally pulling away and looking up at him. Her eyes were full of tears, several of which fell down her burning red face. She held a quiet eye contact with him for a long time then finally looked down, "I had very valid reasons for keeping her from you Draco, but it is the worst thing I have ever done in my entire deplorable and unforgiveable life."

Pansy appeared ready to continue when suddenly her shoulder's hunched forward and she put her face in her hands, "I'm so sorry Draco…she was just…the only thing I had left of you…I couldn't let him take her too…but I had no right to keep her…from you…I'm so…" she trailed off to gasp for breath, but her tears swallowed her words.

Tears had been streaming down Draco's pale face from the minute he asked the question, and though his heart broke for Pansy's reaction part of him wanted her explanation and felt entitled to her apologies. He had known it in his mind for so long, but her confirmation hit his heart like a bullet and was so crippling he had little capacity to comfort her at first. Yet his feelings were in no way malicious and when Pansy started sobbing so hard she could no longer speak Draco pulled her into his arms and attempted all the tricks he had learned while calming Scorpius when he was hysterical.

Pansy sobbed for nearly an hour when she calmed suddenly, eerily, and pulled away from Draco. He reached out for her just as quickly and pulled her close to him; and when she started to fight for her freedom he moved his hands to hold her face. He looked deep into her eyes and spoke softly, "I am the one who should be sorry Pansy."

"You?" She put her hands over his and pulled them from her face, "I _stole_ your child from you Draco. I kept her from you in order to keep her safe and she _died_. What kind of mother am I? What kind of life did I give her and is that essentially why she was taken from me; because I dishonored her by not letting you be part of her life…what little life she had?" Pansy stared at Draco waiting for a response, but when there was nothing but silence she continued, "You can not disagree."

Pansy stood and Draco followed her to the bedroom. He was unsure what to say as he did not wish to cause any further upset so he watched her frantically rush around the bedroom for a few minutes then blurted, "I should not have brought this up, tonight of all nights and –"

"I will understand if you need to go; for some air or for forever." Pansy stopped and looked up at him with a new flow of tears pouring from her eyes, "You should hate me for what I've done. I hate me for what I've done…" she sat on the bed and buried her face in her hands. "The worst part is that she would have been better off with you all along."

Draco watched as Pansy's shoulders heaved forward and the sound of the painful gasp before sobs rang in his ears and turned his stomach. He instinctively rushed to her and wrapped his arms so tightly around her his fingers went numb. "Pans I…" _Would she have been better off with me all along? Would that have been enough to keep Lucius from killing her even though he would still have ruined her life…just like he ruined mine…ours…_

Draco snapped his focus back quickly and kissed the top of her head, rubbed her back; tried everything to calm her. Finally he whispered as her breathing settled and her tears slowed, "Who was Emma's favorite Weasley?"

Pansy pulled away and a smile washed across her face as different tears rolled down her cheeks, "George…" she was obviously confused and continued with a chuckle that made Draco think she had remembered something brilliant, "Why did you ask that?"

"Because with me she would have never known him; any of them…or Potter or Madi, or probably even Blaise for that matter; even more disturbing is that she would have never known you," he paused and wiped the tears from her face, "I've known a life with you and a life without you, but to have never known you at all would have been empty." Draco took a deep breath and reached for Pansy's hands, "The truth is _we_ would have been the best parents Emma could have known; and the fact that she did not have that opportunity is completely on me."

"That's not true –"

"It _is_ true. I should have killed Lucius where he stood the day he found us in the cottage. I should have ended his reign of terror over my life the minute he tried to take you away from me," Draco took a deep breath and closed his eyes. The truth was brutal, but if time was truly running out then everything had to be said before it was too late. "I never realized my own strength until I had to find a way to exist without you. It never occurred to me I would ever have to; when I was searching for you at the shelter I knew that I would find you and we would be together. Even after I married Astoria I never gave up the hope that someday we would be standing face to face and nothing else in the world would matter. And now it seems just one devastating blow after another and the truth is if I would have just stood up then and said no –"

Pansy put her fingers to Draco's mouth to silence him. When he stopped speaking she ran her hand gently down his face, "I know first hand the consequences for defying your father Draco…and for all that has happened, good or bad, I am glad that you did what he told you to do. I had a wonderful life knowing that you have a brilliant life, but had you died at his hand just to be with me I would have had no life at all."

"I wanted to give you the best life Pansy…" a tiny gasp for breath caused his voice to crack and tears instantly poured from Draco's eyes as if he had been storing them for a decade, "I am so sorry," he lowered his head and when he felt Pansy's arms wrap around his neck he lost control. He wrapped his arms tightly around her, buried his face in her neck, "Please don't leave me now…I don't want…I can not handle being away from you again…not for another minute…I won't!"

"I will not fight you this time and I want to believe as long as you don't let go then everything is going to be fine." She pulled away and dried his red, burning cheeks, "But if that isn't enough you must know that I will always be with you. We are a part of each other; and even if you can't see me or hear me you will always feel me with you. Surely you learned that during all of these years we've been apart."

He pulled her face close until their foreheads rested against each other. He closed his eyes and whispered, "It's not enough."

"Soak up as much as you can Love, because it may have to be enough." She forced a sad smile and did not resist when Draco ran his fingers into the back of her hair and pulled her into a forceful, desperate kiss.

There was no drug or drink in the world, Magical or Muggle that could ease Draco the way Pansy did. He was thirsty for her and the feel of her lips against his, the smell and taste of her skin, the sensation of her fingers running through his hair, down his back, and up his chest caused his control to breakdown and breathy moan escaped him as Pansy moved her kisses to his neck. There was no world outside of that moment and no way he could refuse the painful yearning in every move they made. He pulled away and looked at her, "We are quickly approaching the point where this is not going to stop."

"And if you need to walk away I understand…" Pansy paused and took a deep breath, "But if you think I'm going to ask you to leave that is not going to…" she was interrupted by a kiss and rested back against her pillows as Draco moved over her and applied tiny hot kisses up her neck toward her ear.

"I love you," in unison and the disappearance of all control over the rest of the night.

*.*.*.*

The lack of reality continued the next morning when Draco and Pansy woke and spent the morning in bed. As the afternoon approached they finally emerged from the bedroom and just in time for a knock at the door. Pansy tended to the Potters while Draco showered. The blond stood under the steaming water forever as his mind wandered; and the blissful feeling he woke up with started to fade as reality settled back in.

Draco finally walked out of the bathroom, but neither Pansy nor the Potters were in the living room. He looked out the patio door and started toward the kitchen when he suddenly heard hushed voices coming from the bedroom. The blond hesitated for only a moment before tucking into the chair closest to the half opened door. He realized eavesdropping was wrong, but he was desperate to know what Pansy was telling the Potters and he could not shake that something monumental was being kept from him. Now that he knew Emma was his daughter he needed to know the nature of Pansy's other secret. And so his infiltration into Pansy's private conversation seemed justified.

Pansy's voice was lowered, but strong, "I am going to ask Blaise and Madi the same thing I am about to ask you, to keep a secret, and I need you all to promise me that you will grant my request."

Ginny's voice was the first to be heard and was calm and comforting, "Anything you want…you know your secrets are always safe with me, and Harry was your secret keeper for goodness sake."

Draco rolled his eyes at that particular piece of knowledge Blaise had dropped not so subtly into conversation. Before the blond could allow his anger to resurface however he focused in on Pansy's response.

"I know Draco, and after all is said and done he is going to start asking questions. I'm giving you plenty of time to come up with something to tell him because he is never to know about the second potion. That knowledge would destroy him and that is the last thing I want; over something that was my fault in the first place."

"Please do not start blaming yourself again Pans." Harry paused then continued quietly, "Lucius Malfoy is the only one responsible; neither you nor Draco should have to carry the weight of this around. And I promise that he will not hear this information from me."

"I promise too…" Ginny trailed off for a moment then continued with excitement, "So… did you two have a good night last night?"

"I'm leaving now," Harry chuckled uncomfortably and Draco could tell he was starting out of the bedroom. The blond moved quickly across the living room and sat in a chair, picked up a book and pretended to read.

When after a few minutes Harry did not emerge Draco pulled out his wand and suddenly his book of parchment and a quill flew into his hand from across the room.

_2 September 2010_

_Emma was my daughter…and my father killed her; no doubt because he did not want a bastard heir running about who could someday interfere with his perfectly laid out plans for my miserable life. Hearing the confirmation from Pansy was as painful as I imagined, but I still do not blame her. I will forever blame myself and I have every reason to believe that hushed conversation with the Potters in her bedroom right now is the proof that she would have been better off never knowing me. _

_Pansy keeps obsessing about me never knowing about this second potion…the one that poisoned her and I imagine Emma. She said Riley gave it to her so she would have been pregnant at the time…WHAT KIND OF MANIAC POISONS A PREGNANT WOMAN? Emma may not have had the mother Lucius would have chosen, but she was pureblood…our blood. She was a Malfoy and he destroyed her before she was even born. How do I live with that? How can Pansy stand the sight of me?_

_The fact is she can more than stand the sight of me; the evening was so emotionally charged… the confession and then both of us fighting over which one of us is most to blame for a lifetime gone horribly wrong. It all manifested into an unrelenting passion that had been suppressed for far too long and we ended up in the bedroom. I am not sorry, sadly I only feel moderately guilty; and when she survives this I realize that I have no choice but to make it permanent. I will not lose her…to death or anything else…never again._

Draco looked up from his book when Harry walked into the living room. "Is everything all right?"

"Brilliant," Harry flopped down in the chair opposite Draco and sighed, "They are just moving onto subjects I do not wish to be a party to."

"So how about the topics you were discussing before that? Let's speak on those a moment shall we?" Draco closed his book and looked to Harry for a response.

The dark haired man chuckled as he sat back in the chair, "Eavesdropping is not very polite Malfoy. If Pansy wants you to know something she will tell you."

"And if she chooses _not_ to tell me something then she makes all of you swear to keep secrets. Secrets do not make friends Potter." Draco rolled his eyes and his frustration made him shift uncomfortably in his chair.

"Are we _friends_ now?" Harry arched his eyebrow and laughed when Draco looked up with a horrified expression.

"Well we are not enemies any longer; hopefully you at least agree with that…" Draco trailed off and started to continue, but got up instead, "Never mind; you are the great secret keeper so of course you will not tell me anything."

"Has it occurred to you that she is trying to protect you by not telling you this secret?" Harry paused and waited for Draco to turn around and when the blond finally looked back he continued, "You do not want to know; and as her friend, _your_ friend, I will take this secret to the grave."

_You don't even have to tell me now because I can see in your eyes all I need to know. _Draco lowered his head and spoke mindlessly, "So it _is_ my fault then?"

"Were you working with your father to go after Pansy –"

"Of course not!" Draco moved back to the chair across from Harry and glared at him, "I thought you believed that I had nothing to do with that."

"Then how is it your fault? Lucius poisoned Pansy; he is to blame." Harry looked up at Draco who was starting to speak, but he interrupted, "And don't say he did it because of you; that still does not make it your fault. Trust me Malfoy I have no worries about pointing out your faults –"

"Thank you Potter, that makes me feel so much better." Draco rolled his eyes and slumped back in the chair.

"You have lost a lot Draco –"

The blond looked up, still surprised every time one of his former enemies showed him any sort of compassion or kindness. "I wish that you could tell me the losing part is over."

The bedroom door opened and interrupted what Harry was about to say. Instead he tried to cover up the serious conversation they were having before the ladies emerged. He looked sadly from Pansy to Draco and spoke in just a whisper, "I wish I could too."

Pansy walked right over to Draco and sat on his lap, "It looks very serious out here gentlemen. You're not fighting I hope."

Harry put his arm around Ginny when she sat next to him, "Of course not."

Draco smiled at Pansy when she looked to him for confirmation, "We are behaving just as we promised we would. And what about you two? You appear to be plotting something."

"Stop reading my mind Malfoy," Pansy wrapped her arms around him and squeezed hard then stood excitedly, "We want to go into the city and see a live show tonight."

"A what?" Draco looked hesitantly at Pansy and then to Harry for support that whatever the ladies were planning sounded dreadful. "A show about what?"

Pansy smiled deviously, "A surprise; and since I imagine you have not brought the appropriate attire for such an occasion we should go shopping first. I would also like to check in on the pub and then we can tell Madi so she can tell Blaise."

"It's a group affair then?" Draco smiled, completely awestruck by Pansy in that moment. He was not even focusing on a response; just lost in the twinkle of her eyes and the beaming glow that rolled off of her in waves.

"All the people I love!" Pansy danced from the living room and eventually Ginny interrupted Draco's stare.

The redheaded girl stood and pulled Harry up with her, "We should go and check on the kids and collect appropriate clothes as well." She smiled at Draco when he looked up at her, "Are you two going to be all right here?"

The blond nodded and smiled deviously, "I will take the best care of her I promise."

Pansy returned in time to walk the Potters out then resumed her seat in Draco's lap. She wrapped her arms around him and kissed the side of his head, "Being here with you still feels like a dream."

"I am really here," he pinched her side and pulled her into a kiss when she started to pull away from his tickling gesture. When he finally pulled away Draco looked up at her and smiled, "And you couldn't get away from me if you tried."

She smiled though there were tears building in her eyes. She ran her fingers over his face as if she was tracing every feature then leaned down and brushed her lips lightly against his lips and whispered, "Promise?" Pansy closed the distance between them without allowing him to respond.

*.*.*.*

_2 September 2010_

_We went to a live show this evening in the city; Pansy's favorite that she has already seen numerous times. It was a Muggle play comprised almost completely of song. I was of course resistant to this concept when we arrived and most especially when it began, but I found myself strangely drawn in at the same time. Admittedly I had a difficult time following along in parts as the Muggle references were in abundance. The characters were obviously poor…it all started with them singing about their inability to pay their rent and then the real horrors of their lives started to surface with each song. Boys loved boys who dressed like girls and girls loved girls who used to love boys. I felt only slightly settled by the idea that Blaise and Harry seemed equally uneasy with this situation. Yet amongst the scantily clad women dancing provocatively and crawling across tables, the fact that a good number of the people were sick, and one particular moment where a woman not only mooed like a cow, but encouraged the audience to join her, there were underlying stories of love everywhere. They were friends…family…and then all of a sudden one of them died and I wondered why on earth Pansy would even want to see such a thing at such a time as this. And then at the end I realized why she wanted to see it; the sickness appeared to have claimed another character and the man who loved her, who had been apart from her for so long was devastated. He held her in his arms and suddenly she woke; it was magical and told me that Pansy knows she is going to live as much as I know it. A musical about a bunch of poor, morally questionable, complaining Muggles and I found hope in it. _

_We walked along the water and went to a long pier after the show. There was food and wine and dancing and a circular structure that reached into the sky and had pods attached to it. The circle rotated and people were meant to ride in the pods. Pansy attempted to persuade me to place my life in danger by participating in what she referred to as a Ferris Wheel ride, but I declined. It was all very Muggle, but just walking along with Pansy's hand in mine made it the most brilliant of nights. Every day that I am convinced she is getting better leads me closer to a time when I will have to choose where I belong and I just can not shake the idea that it is with her; even if it is here._

_Pansy is making me go back to London for the day tomorrow. It is not that I do not want to see Astoria and Scorpius…I miss them terribly, but I do not feel comfortable leaving. What if something happens? I keep saying that I believe Pansy is healing, but I watched Potter watching her tonight. He looks at her as if he is waiting for her to start crumbling. He is her Healer and friend and I have come to respect his opinion…that is disgusting…still I can not believe that he is right about this. She seems stronger every day and every day has felt like the first day of the rest of our lives._

"What are you writing about in there?" 

Draco looked up as Pansy approached. He closed his book and set it on the table then wrapped his arms around her when she sat next to him, "Just releasing everything from my head." Pansy yawned and Draco kissed her head before continuing, "You have had a long day; you need to sleep…keep up your strength."

Pansy nestled her head against Draco's shoulder, "What time are you leaving in the morning?"

"I was thinking –"

"You're going Draco. You have not seen Astoria and Scorpius in more than a week." She paused and took his hand, "I promise you will not miss anything here." 

"Except for the one thing I can not seem to live without." Draco kissed the top of Pansy's head and held her tight to him, "I'll leave in the morning, but I do not wish to talk about that now. Let's get you tucked in and I will make you waffles in the morning before I go."

Pansy pulled away and smiled at Draco excitedly, "Will you come and lie down with me?"

He stood and led her to the bedroom where they curled up together in bed and both drifted off to sleep almost instantly.

*.*.*.*

Draco woke the next morning before Pansy and as promised started preparing her favorite waffle breakfast. Not long after he returned to the bedroom with a tray of food and tea; he set the tray on the night table and brushed the messy hair from Pansy's face then whispered, "Wake up Love and have breakfast." He paused for a moment and when she did not even stir he leaned down and kissed her head, "Pans…" When again there was no sign of movement Draco's heart started racing and he rested his head on her chest; her heartbeat was faint and her breathing shallow.

He stood frantically and rushed into the living room as if help was on the other side of the door. The emptiness of the house and the ear piercing silence sent Draco's own heartbeat into a race and he rushed back to the bedroom. He sat on the bed and brushed Pansy's face gently, "Pans…Pansy wake up…don't do this now I have no clue how to reach Potter." When Pansy still did not respond Draco rushed back to the living room and picked up the telephone on the table. He looked at the numbers and realized he had no clue what to dial and after searching for any piece of paper that might say Harry, Blaise or Madi's name on it with no success he slipped into a full blown panic.

Draco returned to the bedroom again and felt the tears that were rolling from his eyes start to burn his skin. He pulled out his wand and started retracing the years of his magical education hoping to remember something, anything that might help his situation. Finally in a frantic frustration he yelled, "I need to contact Harry bloody Potter now…why is this so difficult?"

Suddenly a stream of light erupted from Draco's wand and he looked down at the silvery outline of a ferret looking up at him. The blond backed away, "What in the bloody hell is that?" He paced as the ferret continued to gaze up at him, "You're a Patronus… could you be a…if you are a Patronus go find Potter…Harry Potter…somewhere in this city…tell him Pansy is very ill and he needs to return immediately, via magical means… and should he laugh at the fact that you are a ferret bite him…hard!"

The Patronus swept out of the room and Draco sat back down next to Pansy. He stared at her chest to insure that it continued to move up and down and he squeezed her hand, "Harry is going to be here any minute and you absolutely must wake up. I conjured a Patronus and it is a ferret…if only to make fun of me you must open your eyes." Draco's mind reeled and the sight of Pansy's pale face, expressionless and eerily peaceful, was more than he could handle. His tears increased and he whispered, "Please do not leave me…you have to fight Pans…I can not lose you now that we finally have it all back."

Draco did not leave Pansy's side again; just continued his focus on the sound of her breathing and what felt like an instinctive process of memorizing her face. Harry, Ginny, Blaise and Madi arrived within minutes of Draco's Patronus; Harry taking the lead into Pansy's room.

"Has she woken at all?"

"No," Draco stood and ran his fingers through his hair; he paused as Harry moved his wand the length of Pansy's body then continued when everyone turned to him for more details. "When I woke up this morning she was still sleeping and I tried to wake her for breakfast, but…" he trailed off as more tears started falling from his face.

Harry focused back on Pansy and responded calmly, "How was she last night?"

"Fine…tired, but she did not mention that she was feeling ill. We went to sleep not long after returning home from the pier." Draco looked to Blaise, Madi and Ginny, still standing in the doorway, and expected accusatory glances, but instead found concern and caring. He looked back at Harry, "What will you be able to do?"

Before Draco was done asking the question Harry had his bag open and started brewing a potion on the bedside table. "I have a few potions I can try, but honestly she needs to be in a hospital."

"No," Blaise stepped up next to Draco and continued to Harry, "Her wishes are clear and it will only upset her when she wakes up if we have taken her to a hospital. Anything you need can be brought here."

"All right then I need to you go to St. Mungo's and –"

"I can't _leave_…" Blaise was horrified by the idea of leaving Pansy's side and before he could continue Madi stepped up and took his hand.

The dark haired girl looked to Harry, "I will go to St. Mungo's and I'm sure Ginny will come with me and we will bring whatever you need. We will alert the Weasleys and they can help bring everything through the floo."

Harry poured the contents of his portable cauldron into a glass that had appeared out of thin air then looked back at Madi and Ginny, "I will send word to St. Mungo's so that everything I need will be waiting for you. Draco, can you come and hold up Pansy's head please?"

The blond rushed back to Pansy's side and gently elevated her head so that Harry could pour the potion into her mouth. In a matter of seconds Pansy coughed quietly and her eyes opened. Blaise rushed to the bed and sat as Draco laid her gently back against the pillows then rested his forehead against hers and whispered, "You scared the bloody hell out of me."

*.*.*.*

After a thorough examination Harry excused himself from Pansy's room; taking Ginny and Madi with him to go over the details of their St. Mungo's trip. Once the door shut Blaise moved to the other side of Pansy's bed, sat and took her hand. Draco's fingers did not stop moving in Pansy's and he and Blaise seemed to just stare at her as a heavy silence fell over the room.

"I'm not dead yet; I'm feeling much better actually so…" Pansy paused to shift on the bed and laughed when Draco and Blaise nearly bumped heads rushing to her assistance. "All this attention is brilliant though." She waited for them to sit and squeezed their hands, "I'm very sorry that I scared you. I'm a bit embarrassed that you all rushed here and –"

"The ferret called and we came." Blaise laughed at the piercing glare Draco shot at him then looked at Pansy when her reprimanding tone rang through the room.

"Blaise! Don't call him that. What is wrong with you?" Pansy smiled at Draco then hissed at her other doting admirer, "Say you're sorry."

Blaise started to defend himself when Draco interrupted, "I have apparently found my Patronus…and it is a bloody ferret."

Pansy put her hands over her mouth, but it did nothing to cover or control her laughter, "You're not serious?" She continued to giggle when Draco nodded with frustration, "I'm sorry to laugh Love, but that is amusing. How did you find your Patronus in the first place?"

"Sheer panic," he took her hand and looked at his fingers entwined with hers, "I was frantic when you would not wake and I shouted in desperation when I could not figure out any quick way to contact Potter; the next thing I knew there was a shiny ferret looking up at me."

"The timing could not be more perfect and so you have yet again saved my life." She smiled then looked at Blaise, "Why could we never find ours? I always thought being able to communicate via iridescent animal would be fun. Not to mention I'm even more curious now what my Patronus would be."

"I guess we're just not as _good_ as some people." Blaise's eyebrow arched as he looked over at Draco and smiled. "Though I'm sure I would be a panther or a hawk…"

"Or a bunny rabbit maybe?" Draco rolled his eyes, convinced that Blaise would in fact be something distinguished and far more intimidating than a ferret. He looked back to Pansy quickly and tried to change the subject, "Can I bring you anything; some tea perhaps or I could remake your breakfast."

"You made waffles?" She smiled, but at the same time seemed sad and disappointed, "I'm sorry I did not wake for those."

"I can go and make more right now," Draco was halfway out of the room when Pansy's interrupted.

"You are going home today."

The blond turned and responded sternly, "I am not going anywhere. I will send Astoria an owl and –"

"Draco this has already been decided."

"And that was before it took a potion to wake you up this morning."

"I am fine now, Harry and Blaise will both be here if I need anything and you need to go and see your family." Pansy's tone was stern and decided. She squeezed Blaise's hand as he stood to excuse himself then took Draco's hand when he sat back down on the bed, "I do not have to imagine how much she misses you Draco because I've experienced a life time of it. You need to go and see her, and Scorpius, before it starts to seem like you're never coming home."

_And what if that is the reality?_ Draco took a deep breath and responded calmly, "I will send Astoria a letter and will travel home after the weekend. Right now I need to stay here and see for myself that you are getting better. If I went home now I would be distracted and that hardly seems fair to anyone."

Pansy started to interject with another argument when the bedroom door opened and they both looked up to find Harry walking in. "Please excuse the interruption," he said while walking over to his medical bag, "But I need to brew something for Pansy and then it is imperative that she eat something." Harry immediately started pulling ingredients from his bag and Draco shot up from the bed.

"Brilliant…I'll start the waffles," he kissed Pansy's head quickly and rushed from the room and toward the kitchen.

*.*.*.*

_3 August 2010_

_Astoria,_

_I'm sorry Love, but I must delay my trip a few days. Pansy would not wake this morning and Potter was forced to use a potion. Madi and Ginny will be travelling to St. Mungo's for supplies as Pansy still refuses to admit herself to a magical facility. They have agreed to deliver this letter for me and I hope that they adequately conveyed my disappointment and apologies that this is the best I can do at this moment._

_I love and miss you and Scorpius so much and intend on leaving Sunday morning to come and spend time together. I am not even sure there are words to express my continued disbelief that such a brilliant woman as you could ever be so loving and tolerant and supportive of me, but I am eternally grateful that you are. Please tell Scorpius that I love him and I will see you both very soon I promise._

_All my love,_

_Draco_

_P.S. I conjured a Patronus this morning. If you can believe it the bloody animal was a ferret._

*.*.*.*

The second potion that Harry had administered to Pansy seemed to brighten her even more and the waffles were enjoyed. Harry had decided to accompany Ginny and Madi as far as the pub and Draco left Blaise with Pansy while he went to clean up the kitchen. As Draco approached Pansy's room he overheard hushed yet seemingly adamant voices and decided to give them a few more moments of privacy. It did not take long however for the blond to become pulled into trying to overhear the conversation and he suddenly found himself standing from the armchair and moving quietly to a place just outside the partially closed door; he could see, but not be seen.

"Blaise you are not listening to me."

Blaise walked to the bed and sat down across from her, "I _am_ listening; I just happen to have my own opinion about this."

"I do not want him hurt any more." Pansy took a deep breath and leaned close before whispering, "It will destroy him Blaise."

"You already said, and I couldn't agree more, that Draco will not rest until he has figured it out Pans. What if it will be less painful coming from you?" Blaise paused as a sense of agreement washed through Pansy's face; he took her hands and kissed them, "But as always I will do whatever you feel is best."

She flopped back against the pillows and sighed, "I suppose whatever I decide I should do it soon." Tears fell mindlessly down her face and she let herself become consumed for only a moment before looking back up at Blaise, "It's different this time…than all the other times when it seemed like Draco might actually be right and maybe we were going to have a happy ending."

"You must remain positive Love," Blaise was obviously fighting back tears masked with a supportive smile, "I'm not ready to let you go yet so promise that you'll fight."

"I promise…"

The verbal circles around Pansy's secrets only caused Draco's mind to run wild with every cryptic detail. As he always imagined he was ultimately responsible for every horrible thing Pansy had endured and now he would finally lose forever her as a result. He could feel himself being pulled into the bedroom; suddenly empowered and determined to burst through the door and demand an explanation for whatever she intended to keep from him next. At the same time his arms and legs felt like dead weight and he could not move.

"Some things never change."

Draco turned quickly when Harry's voice startled him. "Not sure what you're talking about Potter; you were always the master of eavesdropping." The blond walked over to the far side of the living room and sat down. "The girls are on their way safely I take it?"

Harry walked over and sat in the chair opposite Draco then responded, "They are. And what was so interesting in Pansy's room that you felt compelled to hear the conversation, but not comfortable enough to enter into it?"

"Doesn't much matter if I discuss it with you; since you have already vowed not to discuss the big secret Pansy is keeping…_protecting_ me." Draco rolled his eyes and interrupted Harry's response, "It's fine Potter; I'm not asking you to tell me, however keeping the secret that you saw me eavesdropping would be a brilliant."

"I can do that…as long as it doesn't happen again." Harry chuckled, but faded quickly into a mournful tone, "You should not be wasting this time asking these questions or thinking about all of the possible answers."

The cryptic nature of Harry's response and the defeated tone of his voice sent a chill down Draco's back and when there was no explanation to follow the blond arched his eyebrow and hissed with annoyance, "What are you trying to say Potter?"

Harry looked down at the floor for a quick moment then back at Draco sadly, "That you should say all of the things you really want and need to say…while you can." The dark haired man paused again then continued in just a whisper, "I wish I had better news Draco, but I am running out of cures and quick fixes. If not for your Patronus…" Harry mirrored the terror in Draco's eyes and quickly lightened his tone, "Speaking of which…how _did_ you conjure a Patronus?"

Draco shrugged his answer as his thoughts hung on Harry's defeatist words that could only be construed as the acceptance of Pansy's imminent death. The blond tried to shake it off and finally responded to the question, "I panicked and needed a way to contact you and the next thing I knew there was a glowing ferret in the room. I'm still saying that if you would just tell me about the potion –"

"Malfoy give it a rest –"

"Give what a rest?" Pansy smiled and held tight to Blaise as she walked over to the sofa, "Are you two arguing?"

"Of course not; now what are you doing out of bed?" Draco moved over to sit next to Pansy and covered her with a blanket.

Harry reached over and rested the back of his hand on Pansy's forehead, "The fever has broken; that is a good sign."

_Too bad you've decided to give up and let her die. _Draco blinked to break his glaring stare on Harry and put his arm around Pansy, "What can I get for you? Anything you want."

"I want to go to the pub." Pansy looked around at the disapproving expressions that surrounded her and laughed, "Certainly you can not deny me one last glimpse of my pub. That place saved my life…who knows; maybe I'll get lucky again."

Blaise stood and walked to the kitchen; obviously overwhelmed. Harry started to respond when Draco stood also and Pansy grabbed his arm, "Where are you going?"

"To put together an ensemble for our trip," he kissed her hand and smiled, "Something comfortable for apparition…to the pub."

Pansy smiled brightly, but Harry interrupted, "I'm not sure that is such a good idea." The dark haired man paused when Draco and Pansy both rolled their eyes then continued, mirroring the sentiment, "But what would I know?"

Draco walked into the bedroom and the minute he was out of sight his eyes welled up with tears he could not control. After several minutes spent lost in Pansy's closet he laid out a pair of jeans and a sweater on the bed and attempted again to pull himself together. He was startled when he looked up and Blaise was carrying Pansy. "What happened?" His stomach flipped around until he thought it would come up in his throat and he moved the clothes as Blaise set Pansy down.

"Nothing happened; I just realized that if I can not walk I should probably not be apparating around town. I suppose no matter how carefully you plan there are always things for which you simply run out of time." She reached for Draco's hand and then Blaise's as he sat down, "But I would not have traded the last few weeks for the world."

Draco watched Blaise look down and saw him squeeze Pansy's hand out of his peripheral. He felt like he was choking; the three of them, just like they used to be, and just like always preparing to say goodbye. Blaise stood and kissed Pansy's head then whispered, "Get some rest. I will be back soon." He took a deep breath and walked out of the room.

"Why does it sound like you are starting to say your goodbyes?" Draco tried to hold his eyes on hers, but the lack of sparkle reflecting back at him was painful and he eventually focused on their hands as he continued, "You aren't supposed to give up remember?"

"I'm not giving up, but at the same time I think it is important that I am realistic. I don't want there to be any regrets; things unsaid or moments not had." Pansy smiled sadly as Draco looked up at her, "You look like you have something to say right now. So why don't you tell me what you and Harry were arguing about?"

Draco started to respond when a visible shudder rushed through Pansy's entire body. He moved to sit closer to her and wrapped his arms around her, "We weren't arguing…we were bickering, which is not unusual for us. I think instead of focusing on that nonsense you should close your eyes and sleep a bit and when you wake we will discuss whatever you want." Draco looked down and smiled as Pansy was already fast asleep.

*.*.*.*

Pansy woke hours later and looked over at Draco sitting in a chair looking out the window. When she moved to sit up the blond rushed over to her and sat down on the bed, "How do you feel?"

"Tired, but I'm always happy to wake up and find you so I'll not complain." Pansy reached up and brushed a few misplaced hairs from Draco's forehead then ran her fingers gently down his face, "You look as if you could sleep. Why don't you lie down?"

"I've tried," Draco looked down and sighed. It was true that he could not sleep at all; haunted by the idea of missing one remaining moment with Pansy and torn by his need to know the truth before it was too late. "Can I do anything for you? Bring you anything?"

"You can go and lie down for a few hours Draco before you pass out. The house is quiet so I assume we are alone and I would be little use should you fall down." She pulled him to lie down next to her and when he rested his head on her chest she ran her fingers dreamily through his hair.

Several long quiet moments passed when suddenly Draco interrupted; he did not move and spoke in no more than a whisper, "Tell me about the second potion Pansy."

Another long silence enveloped them and Pansy continued running her fingers through his hair; finally she whispered back, "No."

Draco pulled away and looked at her, "Haven't there been enough secrets?"

"How does it help anything if you know? Some secrets are best kept just that." Pansy was obviously agitated by the conversation. She looked down and started straightening the blankets then gazed back up at him and blurted randomly, "Tell me about the day that you realized you loved me instead."

He was annoyed at her change in subject, but considered Harry's words about saying what needed to be said before the chance was gone. Instead of pursuing the potion conversation he reached into his pocket and pulled out a piece of parchment, "I can do even better." He paused and looked at the worn paper and took a deep breath, exhaling slowly, "I wrote this letter to you another lifetime ago…the night I was to kill Dumbledore. I never had the opportunity to give it to you," he looked down at the letter again quickly then looked up at her and smiled, "But I want you to have it now."

Pansy smiled and took the letter from him. She unfolded it and blushed the minute she started reading quietly to herself.

_17 June 1997_

_Pansy,_

_All term you have harassed me for details, reasons for my behavior, and I still can not comply with your request. I refuse to tell you anything specific, you will know soon enough, but I want to insure your safety and keeping you away from this situation is the only way I know to do that. Perhaps keeping you away from me in the beginning would have been the best course of action, but we can not go back. I have no idea what is going to happen tonight so there is something I must tell you; this is not how I hoped to do this, but time is short and now may be the only opportunity._

_I love you, have loved you for years, realized it finally over the summer and it nearly consumed me. I planned to tell you the minute we stepped off the train at start of term, but Potter had to interfere; and then my responsibilities took priority and again the need to keep you from harm meant keeping you from what I had to do. Still I can not take the chance that this evening's events will rob me of the opportunity to tell you that every day starts brilliantly with thoughts of you that begin in my dreams which you have invaded for years. If tonight goes as planned I intend on making you wild promises of power and perfection and spending the rest of my life making sure you have everything you want and deserve. If I fail tonight I want you to know that I love nothing more in the world as much as you and I never will._

_Please stay as close to Blaise as possible…no matter what happens he will always take care of you when I can not. I know that you have a tendency to react first and think later when you are scared so I implore you to let him protect you. DO NOT attempt to find me, help me, save me or in anyway interfere with what has to happen. Know that I act in order to save myself and my family; and with the intent to insure a future I intend on spending with you. Still, if the worst happens, know that I can never apologize enough for what you have endured at my side or the deplorable way I treated you most of the time; and of course I'm sorry for the duration of time it took me to realize that you were the reason I was able to breathe in and out each day. I'm sorry that there was no better time to tell you and I'm sorry for what I have to do now. I pray that I will see your face again…but could die the luckiest man in the world because you loved me._

_All my love in return,_

_Draco_

Pansy folded the letter and wiped the tears rolling down her face, "You called my _react first, think later_ issues accurately. That considered I suppose I can not give Harry too difficult a time for ruining you telling me all this when we got off the train. I wonder what might have been different?"

Draco leaned close and kissed her gently. He rested his forehead against hers and spoke softly, "I love you more right now than I could have ever imagined then."

"I love you too…" She kissed him then pulled away and leaned back against the pillows. "If we are exchanging letters we've written, but never sent then I will need you to go into the closet in the living room and bring me a green velvet box you will find right up front."

The blond smiled and kissed her quickly before standing and rushing to the closet. The box was not exactly in the described location, but after a few minutes Draco returned with the box Pansy had sent him to retrieve; in his absence she had fallen into a peaceful sleep. Determined to find the letter Pansy spoke of he took the top off the box and began flipping through its contents. He chuckled at the random and familiar things he came upon: a Slytherin cufflink he was certain he had lost in third year when he was attacked by the _bloody chicken_, a dried flower that could only have been saved from the Yule Ball, a hundred letters from Blaise and Harry that he did not dare read.

He continued pulling items and letters from the box looking for anything addressed to him when suddenly his breathing caught. Hesitantly he pulled out a piece of parchment; addressed in handwriting he would have known anywhere. His hands were shaking as he opened the letter and read frantically.

_4 April 2003_

_Ms. Parkinson,_

_I have recently become aware of your tragic loss and extend my deepest sympathy. If you will recall however I told you right from the beginning that I would not tolerate a bastard heir. You called my bluff Pansy in that I would never actually harm my own son, but any children you and Draco conceived together would not be privy to such protections and as a result Emma paid the ultimate price for your rebellion. Not unlike your parents if I recall correctly. _

_Fortunately I was able to intercept your owl to Draco in February. Naturally I sent him and Astoria away on holiday and investigated the nature of your pleas for assistance myself. Testing my patience by trying to contact him was a mistake and I wonder how much more specific I need be with you Ms. Parkinson. _

_Your boyfriend Harry Potter has been doing extensive research of his own. I believe he is looking to cure the blood infection you have been plagued with; the same infection that killed darling little Emma. He is searching for a way to break the connection between the Quassia and the Valerian correct? I'm afraid however even the chosen one can not save you this time._

_The amazing thing is that you put this whole disaster in motion. You may blame me all you want, but I can assure you here and now that I did not give you the Valerian that caused the infection and killed your daughter…I gave it to Draco. You encountered it by continuing a relationship with him that I advised you was not wise. If you were to tell him of this it would destroy him; not to mention he would hate you for denying him his daughter for whatever short amount of time they would have had._

_I certainly hope you have been following along Ms. Parkinson because there are new rules which I would advise you respect this time; you've not many people left to lose and I've never really cared for Mr. Zabini so I assure you it would be my pleasure. Stop Harry Potter from any further investigations. If you chose to let him try and save your worthless life that is your decision, but if he determines in any way my involvement in any of this then Blaise will be with Emma faster than you can say I'm sorry._

_My advice…go further away than London this time; if you can not control yourself then disappear. The life expectancy of the three people you have left depends on your ability to follow these instructions Ms. Parkinson…perhaps you will stop challenging me now._

_Lucius Malfoy_

The letter shook in Draco's hands as he read it over and over; each time seething with how powerless he was to stop Lucius and how he unknowingly may have killed his first born child and the love of his life. When the front door opened and shut Draco stood and walked into the living room. Harry, Ginny, Blaise and Madi all walked into the living room and before anyone could say a word Draco jabbed the parchment against Blaise's chest and hissed, "Explain this."

Blaise backed away from Draco's hand and pulled the parchment from him. His agitation faded quickly as he realized what he was reading and he looked up stunned at Draco, "Where did you get this?"

"Pansy had me retrieve her box of letters. I was looking for a letter she wrote to me and I recognized the penmanship." Draco ignored the disapproving expressions and started to continue, but Blaise interrupted quickly.

"Does she know you have seen this?"

"No she's sleeping." When Blaise looked down at the letter again Draco focused on Harry, "He gave _me_ the counteracting ingredient and what…I passed it to her? And Emma? Is that what this means?"

Harry opened his mouth to respond, but nodded his confirmation instead and Draco glared back at Blaise, "I killed them, and you've known it all this time, and you never told me. I realized a long time ago that you and Pansy had a bond I could never break; and since I'm pretty sure you killed Lucius I would understand if you needed to kill me too."

Madi gasped and Ginny looked from Blaise to Harry equally as confused as Draco. Finally the redhead stepped forward and stood next to Draco, "No one is killing anyone; and I would suggest everyone calms down before Pansy wakes and overhears this."

"She will know soon enough," Blaise paused as Draco's expression confirmed his statement, "Draco could never just let this go. There's no way the martyr in him could ever allow her the peace of this secret."

"It's _my_ fault –"

Harry finally joined the conversation, speaking calmly, "Lucius is to blame Draco. I believe you had no knowledge of this prior to finding the letter," Harry paused as the blond nodded his confirmation, "Pansy blames herself as well –"

"Well she certainly didn't poison herself!" Draco lowered his voice after a stern look from Ginny, "I should have been ready for anything, knowing Lucius would retaliate, and instead I was busy working and being married to someone else. I never took care of Pansy the way I should have. I took her for granted during the only real time we had together; and now I've killed her…and our daughter. How can she find blame for herself in all that?"

"He told her to stay away from you and she sought you out at The Leaky Cauldron anyway." Blaise took a deep breath and only held Draco's eyes for a moment before continuing, "You didn't even know she was looking for you that night; and if we are passing blame I told her exactly where to find you."

Madi walked up next to Blaise and put her arms around his waist, "Pansy does not blame anyone so perhaps no one should be amassing anymore guilt over the things that can not be changed."

Blaise kissed her head and smiled sadly, "There are so many reasons why I love you." He winked at Madi then looked at Draco, "She's right…we didn't know and we probably could not have stopped your father anyway. With that said I am begging you not to tell Pansy that you know." Draco looked down and sighed heavily; Blaise continued, "You can talk to me about this until you are blue in the face. You can scream and destroy a room or something… anything but Pansy. I know you've felt it too…that time is running out, and in the long run you will hate yourself for spending the rest of the time you have together focused on this."

"I do not want to waste a minute with her. Still I can not help but to imagine the amazing life you would have all had if you had only avoided any contact at all with me," Draco sighed again; a mixture of frustration and overwhelming hatred for everything he was and even more, everything he came from. He finally looked up at Blaise and spoke dully, "I promise I will not tell her that I know." He handed Blaise the letter and walked over to a chair where he sat then stood immediately, "I need some air." Draco slammed out the patio door before anyone could respond and walked over to the bench all the way across the flower covered yard.

He sat very still and stared blankly at the sky. There were tears burning his eyes, but no more painful than the lump in this throat or the knot in his stomach. He was startled when his journal flew out of the house and landed at his feet; he did not recall even thinking the spell, but it must have known he had to unleash the mounting emotions or he would explode.

_3 September 2010_

_I killed them…sentenced to death the very moment I became a part of them, them of me, and I should have known all along that would be the outcome. I have never been quite sure who I am without her. When I could not be with her because I was on assignment from Voldemort, when I was separated from her seventh year, lost her after the war, lost her because of my father…the last ten years have been a lie that I wake up and live every day. Though I love Astoria and I love Scorpius I have no idea what will happen to the overwhelming love that I will always feel for Pansy. When she is gone and I refuse to let her die, will it kill me?_

_Sometimes I think she is the only one who can confirm I have a heart and that it beats. I imagine that is how I will know it has stopped because I hope it follows her lead. I do not want to live in a world where she does not breathe…and I am the reason she will stop so much sooner than is fair or right or imaginable. There is not one person in that house right now that does not have at least ten reasons to kill me…perhaps once the worst has happened someone will react accordingly. Lucius is dead, but I wonder if that even insures any sense of security from his maniacal wrath. Won't Astoria and Scorpius and even my mother be better off without having to always tend to me?_

"She didn't want you to know for this very reason." Madi walked over to the bench and sat down next to Draco who looked at her with heartbreakingly tearful eyes, but said nothing. "If you do not live the life you promised her you would live I'm afraid she may shun you in heaven."

"People like me don't have a place in heaven." Draco closed his eyes then his journal and stood. He stopped when Madi grabbed his arm and chose not to resist her pulling him back down to sit.

"_People like you_ aren't supposed to have a Patronus either; but if memory serves me yours saved Pansy's life this morning. One of the many times you have saved her life from my understanding." Madi took Draco's hand and squeezed it tight, "Draco you have no idea how your presence has saved her just in these past few weeks. I can honestly say I never met Pansy until the day that I first saw her with you. And with that in mind I have no concept of how to help you with the next chapter of your tale. All I can tell you is that you are not alone and whether she is here or not you will never be alone again." She wrapped her arms around him and hugged him tight, "We all have a little bit of her inside of us now…and we'll share that when you need more than you have and whenever you need."

Draco's arms were so tight around Madi he feared he might break her, but at the same time she made him feel startlingly safe; as if Pansy had channeled some of her abilities into the dark haired fairy girl to tend to Draco when she was not longer there to do so herself. He wanted to respond, but his tears were endless and anything coming out of his mouth would be a muffled plea to escape from the madness of what felt more looming than ever. He pulled away after a few minutes and forced a smile, whispering, "Thank you," before standing and extending his arm, "We should get back inside and spend as much time with Pansy as we can."

Madi stood and took his arm and they walked quietly back to the house. Blaise was in Pansy's room with the door shut and Harry and Ginny were speaking quietly on the sofa. Draco walked over and sat across from them, "I apologize for my outburst and –"

"There is no need to apologize for how you feel." Harry paused and waited for the blond to respond, but met with silence he continued, "Pansy was trying to protect you from this truth and I hope that you can find a place for this so that it does not destroy you because none of this was your fault."

The bedroom door opened and Blaise stuck his head out, "Good you're back; she wants to see you."

Draco nodded his gratitude for the reassurances, walked into Pansy's room and sat next to her on the bed. He was agitated that Blaise chose not to leave, but rather sat in the chair across the room. The blond tried to ignore his presence and brushed the fly away hairs from Pansy's forehead before leaning down and kissing her gently. "How are you feeling beautiful?"

"Better than you are apparently." Pansy reached up and wiped her fingers across Draco's tear soaked face, "What happened?"

Draco felt Blaise's stare burning him without even looking across the room. He focused on Pansy and forced a smile, "Nothing –"

"Or you could tell me the truth." She grabbed his hand when he pulled away slightly, "Please don't leave."

Draco looked down and saw the tears rolling instantly down her face, "I'm not going anywhere Love." He moved to sit next to her and wrapped his arms around her, "Can I do anything for you?"

"Just this…" she trailed off and sighed as she nestled next to him, "This is all I ever needed."

Pansy drifted back to sleep; Blaise stood and nodded his gratitude at Draco's discretion before walking out and shutting the door behind him. The blond rested is head back against the headboard and closed his eyes. He ran his fingers gently through Pansy's hair and allowed the tears to roll down his cheeks, "I'm so sorry for doing this to you, for everything I've done to you…" He tried to stop his tears and his erratic breathing because he did not want Pansy to wake, but it seemed pointless. After a few minutes fatigue took over and the blond fell asleep.

*.*.*.*

_4 September 2010_

_Pansy had a very bad night. She was in excruciating pain, stopped breathing twice, and at one point she devastated us all because she woke up and for the first few minutes she didn't know who anyone was. I'm not sure there is a way to describe trying to comfort her and the sheer terror radiating from her entire body as she fought to get away; asking who I was. I don't know what I might have done if that had lasted. She has also been talking in her sleep; vivid and cryptic sentences about Emma, about New Orleans, Hogwarts and her constant fear of Lucius. Finally Potter started giving her potion after potion and calmed her. She has been asleep most of the morning…and the funeral march has started swarming the house._

_It's happening and there is absolutely nothing anyone can do to stop it. Harry is in there right now, making sure she's comfortable; and if I have gotten to know him at all he's also looking for that one thing he's missed…the one that would allow him to be a hero again. It almost doesn't seem real that even the chosen one can not stop the end of the world this time._

_I feel since the arrival of the other onlookers to Pansy's death that I have had little time to spend with her. Since time is running out, and they have had the last ten years, I wish they would all go for a little while; not to mention I feel horribly out numbered. I wonder if they all know about the potion, and the fact that we are all here saying our goodbyes because I killed her. I also question, once she's actually gone…how should I manage to live myself?_

Draco was interrupted by a knock at the door. The Weasleys were all in the yard, Harry was in Pansy's room, and so the blond stood and went to greet the next mourner. He flung the door open and immediately his defenses crashed around him and tears flooded from his eyes. "You came…"

Narcissa walked inside the house and pulled Draco into a tight embrace. She held one hand firmly on the back of his neck and rubbed his back with the other as he sobbed into her shoulder. "Of course I did Love. I know you have told me that I needn't make the trip, but the thought of not being with you right now was more than I could stand. Besides I would like to see Pansy."

He kept his face buried in her shoulder; pain radiated through his body as the sobs caused him to violently shake against her. Before he could stop himself he began rambling, almost deliriously, "It's my fault. He used me to kill them…how could he…kill them…let me kill them?"

Narcissa pulled away and held Draco's face so he was focused on her, "What are you talking about?"

More tears fell from Draco's eyes as a sense of relief flowed through him, "You didn't know…I was hoping you didn't know what he did…what I did…"

Narcissa's expression grew heavy with concern and she wrapped her arm in Draco's, "We should sit and you can explain this because none of this is your fault, Draco. You had no choice, but to obey your father's command and let Pansy go –"

"He laced one of my drinks with an ingredient, meant to counteract with something Pansy was given at the shelter. It was his insurance that she would die if the ingredient in my system ever passed into hers." Draco sat down next to Narcissa on the sofa and watched her confusion increase, "Pansy and I were together…before the wedding and that is the night that Emma was conceived. It was also the night I sentenced them both to death."

Draco had calmed while detailing the nefarious plan to his mother; and from calm came numbness, a cold expression and violently emotional eyes. His tears dried and he could feel his blood burning in his veins, "It is a good thing that he is dead, but I will never stop wishing it had been me that killed him."

Narcissa sighed heavily and took her son's hands, "I want you to stop blaming yourself for this, Draco. There will be a time for you and I to discuss this in more detail, however for now it is imperative that you realize that you are not responsible for what is happening." Both blonds were disrupted when the bedroom door opened and Draco seemed surprised when Narcissa stood and approached Harry with ease.

Even Harry was a bit startled when Narcissa walked up and ran her hand gently down his pale and exhausted face. She smiled sadly, "You look as worn down as Draco. I have come to assist; what can I do?"

Harry forced a smile and looked over at Draco, "I'd say you should start by explaining to your son why you are treating me so civilly."

Narcissa turned and looked at Draco, "It's a long story Love, going back to the night of the Hogwarts battle. Another time Dear," she looked back at Harry, but Draco interrupted quickly.

"Another secret kept to protect me I imagine…" Draco looked down at the floor and tried to keep himself from seething over more information that had been concealed from him.

"Your mother saved my life," Harry smiled at Narcissa and braced for Draco's reaction when the blond looked up, "And I will be eternally grateful."

_Just like I have to be because you saved my bloody life? Pansy wouldn't be dying right now if you had left me in the Room of Requirement._ Before Draco could verbalize any thought Pansy's voice carried as barely a whisper into the living room. The blond was up and at her side in a second. He sat beside her and took her hand, "What can I do for you Love?"

"Was that your mother I heard? I would like to see her," Pansy smiled as the blond woman entered, "Narcissa…please come sit down." When Narcissa sat on the opposite side of Pansy the dark haired girl looked up at Draco and smiled, "Could you give us a few minutes?"

His eyebrow arched and he tried to determine if he was worried or hurt by her request, "Are you serious?"

She nodded and kissed his hand before pushing him away, "Yes I would like to speak with your mother alone if that is all right with you. Actually it doesn't much matter if it's all right because –"

Draco interrupted her with a quick kiss, "I'll be in the living room with Potter then." He walked out and closed the door behind him then sank into the overstuffed chair across from Harry. He looked over and sighed at Harry's broken expression, flipping vigorously through more books. "Can I help you look?"

Harry looked up and handed Draco a book, "Anything you can find to break the connection between the Quassia and the Valerian, or counteract one of the two." He returned to his reading, but looked up when Draco stood and crossed the room. When the blond returned with two leather bound books Harry questioned freely, "What are those?"

"My potions journal…and Snape's," Draco did not wait for a response before opening Snape's journal and searching through every word.

*.*.*.*

Pansy slept on and off most of the day as people trailed in and out of her room; positive and hopeful when they entered and breaking down as the door closed behind them when they returned to the living room. Draco and Blaise had been with her for the majority of the evening hours and she slept while they took turns pacing and sitting beside her; visibly willing her to live. When she finally woke she was weaker than ever. The dark circles around her eyes nearly swallowed her face and only accented her pale and once pudgy cheeks. She pulled herself up on the bed and Draco and Blaise both rushed from their chairs on either side of her to assist. She smiled grabbed both of their hands and waited for them to sit on the bed, "My boys…both here together again at last."

"Now all you have to do is stay and enjoy it." Blaise's voice cracked with the first word and he rolled his eyes causing them to glisten with obviously building tears.

"That's the plan," she smiled at Blaise then over to Draco, "You both need to sleep; you look beautiful, but awful."

Draco squeezed Pansy's hand, "As if we would sleep now that you are awake." He was desperate to hold onto her, but at the same time he could barely stand to keep his contact with her dulling eyes. He looked down at her small hand in his then stood suddenly, "Would you like some tea?"

Pansy tightened her grip on the blond's hand and pulled him back down, "Not if it means you have to leave." She grabbed Blaise's hand when he started to move, "Or you. We are wizards correct? Whatever we need we call for it, but you two have to stay with me… promise."

Blaise and Draco practically fell over each other assuring Pansy that they would not move from her side. Finally she laughed quietly, "At ease gentlemen," she took a deep breath that nearly exhausted her then continued quietly, "Everyone else has had their time here and finally I have the people I wanted most…ever since I was a little girl."

"And we've always been yours…in whatever way we could at any given time." Blaise smiled at Pansy and looked over to Draco. The blond was obviously lost in his own thoughts, and visibly terrified every time Pansy moved or her breath sounded like a faint gasp. "I think that I am going to go for that tea," Blaise looked at Pansy, "Give you two a few minutes alone."

"Don't be gone long," she held his hand until he slipped out of reach, and when Blaise closed the door behind him Pansy looked back to Draco, "So you must be dying to know about my conversation with your mother."

He caught himself smiling, and when he realized Pansy's face also brightened he chuckled quietly, "Of course I am curious; was it bad?"

She shook her head and playfully moved her fingers around his, "Not at all; unnecessary apologies, unrelenting reminiscences, and of course the same request that I will make to you now…" Pansy trailed off and looked down at her hand in his before continuing quietly, "I know you very well Draco Malfoy; and I fear what will become of you next if you do not allow the people who love you to keep you focused on the incredible life you have."

_What in the hell is she doing? _Draco's heart started to race; he moved closer and lifted her chin to look at him, "I have no life without you, so if this is the start of goodbye you can stop right there."

"Nothing goes unsaid; that was the promise I made myself and who knows how much time is left."

"Pansy stop it!" He reached to gently hold her face and wiped the tears as they fell from her eyes, "You said it earlier, we are wizards, and we will find a way to fix this. You must not stop fighting. Do you understand me?"

She nodded, but her tears only increased and she could not respond. Pansy wrapped her arms weakly around Draco's neck and pulled him close enough that she could bury her face against him, "I don't want to die Draco. It's not fair that I finally have you back and something else has decided to take you from me. I want to see Blaise and Madi get married, and I want to meet Scorpius, and watch the Potter and Weasley children grow up." She pulled away and looked into his tear-filled eyes, "I don't want everyone to forget me…"

"When you leave this world, many years from now, do you honestly believe that you are anything less than burned into the minds and hearts of every single person in your life? We love you, as will the numerous people who have not even experienced your brilliance yet. That is why you have to stay Pansy; you are the core. You are the reason that Blaise and I came back to Hogwarts every term and you are the reason that Potter and I can sit in the same room and have a conversation, or why the littlest Weasley is always watching over me now. You are the reason I breathe so I need you to _keep…breathing…_" He paused and kissed her softly, then rested his forehead against hers, "Please stop trying to get away from me."

The bedroom door opened, interrupting any further discussion and suddenly Madi's apologetic voice filled the room, "Please excuse the interruption. We can come back and –"

Draco turned and smiled sadly, "No stay…please come in." The blond moved back on the bed, never letting go of Pansy's hand, and watched as Blaise and Madi set up the tea set on the bedside table and sat together in the chair. "Is everyone still here?"

Blaise nodded and Madi responded in an attempted cheery tone, "They are watching television; Mr. Weasley is fascinated. Mrs. Weasley, Ginny and Hermione are cooking and… well I did not mean to interrupt and I'm sure you want to be alone with Draco and Blaise so –"

"Madi…stay…" Pansy laughed, "You're as much a part of this little clique as anyone. You've certainly seen your fair share of mental since you've known me."

"I don't believe I know how you two met." Draco looked from Madi to Pansy and smiled.

"She came into my diner and looked like someone had killed her kitten. I sat down at her booth, had a stimulating conversation with Emma who was still an infant at the time, then Pansy here told me the only way we could be friends is if I agreed to drink Veritaserum and allow her to question me." Madi laughed with Pansy, "I agreed because I had nothing to hide –"

"Besides a small obsessive longing for Harry Potter," Pansy laughed when Madi's cheeks darkened, "It's not a secret anymore."

Madi laughed and winked at Blaise before continuing sarcastically to Pansy, "If memory serves me you did not consider it a secret then either since you told him the first chance you got."

Blaise wrapped his arms around Madi's waist, "Actually I'm quite sure you did that yourself Love. The day you met Potter at St. Mungo's we were all a bit worried you were about to have a fit."

She playfully punched Blaise's arm then buried her bright red face in his shoulder. Draco rolled his eyes and chuckled, "I still do not understand the fascination with Potter." Everyone in the room chuckled and when Draco turned around he saw Harry standing in the doorway. "No offense of course."

Harry rolled his eyes and walked toward the bed, "None taken," he reached over and felt Pansy's forehead, "How are you feeling?"

"I'm fine," Pansy smiled, but it was obvious that she was lying and the return of reality caused the mood in the room to dampen. "There has been no change." Draco looked down as Pansy squeezed his hand and continued, "I am a little hungry though…if I can eat something."

"Of course you can," Harry smiled and started out of the room, "Dinner is being prepared right now in fact and –"

Madi stood from Blaise's lap and interrupted, "I'll help you bring plates in." She kissed Blaise then hurried out of the room after Harry.

"There certainly isn't much about her that's subtle." Blaise chuckled and looked over at Pansy who had started crying. "What happened?"

"Nothing," she wiped her face and tried to speak cheerfully, "I'm just a bit sentimental I suppose. I'm so happy that I was able to introduce the two of you…and I really wish I was able to be there when you make it official."

"What are you talking about? You'd better be there." Blaise took Pansy's had and was obviously holding back his own tears as he looked away.

"I will be…in one way or another." Pansy rested her head back, but her attention returned to Draco when his hand slipped out of hers, "Where are you going?"

He stood, narrowly escaping Pansy's grasp, "I'll just be in the living room and –"

Blaise interrupted as Draco walked toward the door, "You don't need to leave, you shouldn't…I mean –"

"I just thought you would like your privacy." Draco forced a slight smile and noticed immediately Pansy shaking her head.

"You should stay…just in case I...you should just stay." Pansy fought for a deep breath and smiled when Draco moved away from the door.

Not wanting to hear the words he knew Pansy meant to say he moved quickly to a chair across the room, "I'll be right over here." He sat, looking out the window and forced back tears; his mind wandered back to the days at Hogwarts, especially the early years and as he attempted to tune out Pansy and Blaise talking, Draco unexpectedly fell asleep.

*.*.*.*

Draco woke in the chair, startled that he had fallen asleep and even more surprised that Blaise was gone; Pansy was sound asleep. He moved to the chair next to her bed and held her hand for hours; watching her chest rise and fall in an erratic rhythm and fighting to see the beautiful and vibrant face he had been in love with since he was a child. Draco contemplated, every time Pansy's hand was in his, apparating them to St. Mungo's where he was sure she could be saved. But she had been adamant about staying out of hospitals and she was hardly strong enough anymore to survive the trip at all. A gentle squeeze to Draco's hand woke him from a twilight sleep and he sat up quickly, "You're awake; what can I do for you?"

"You haven't left me Draco; that's all I need." She pulled her hand free in order to sit up, but realized she was too weak and slumped back to the bed. Tears fell down her pale sunken cheeks as Draco stood, helped her sit up, and then sat down on the bed next to her. She reached up and wiped a tear from his cheek before tending to her own. "We have to stop this right now. We are masters of goodbye."

He rested his forehead gently against hers and reached up to hold her face. Tears poured from his eyes, but he did nothing to resist them, "I can not live in a world where you do not exist Pansy; so you can not leave me."

"I'll always be with you Draco –"

"The way you mean is not good enough." His throat tightened as every single thing he needed to say rushed to his tongue. Pansy was in his arms, but he could feel her slipping away with every breath; and the recollection of how it had all began was more than he could bear. "I'm so sorry…I never protected you, even less when I actually tried." The guilt was heavy in his chest and swelling in his throat and though many more apologies and pleas were cued in his mind he whispered mindlessly, "If you will not stay then I want to go with you."

"I'm afraid it does not work that way Love." She pulled away enough to look at him, "And why do you keep apologizing to me? I want you to release this guilt you have manufactured because I blame you for nothing."

Draco brushed her face and whispered, "I know the things that I have done to you Pansy and I need you to live so that I can spend the rest of my life making it all right."

"You are here…now…that is the extent of your required amends. I can not imagine this moment if I had not spent the last month with you. And now I know that you have a good life, a family that loves you and that you love more than even me." She paused and smiled as his expression showed conflict, but still he shook his head in defiance of her statement. "I don't have to worry about you Draco because in addition to the family that you return to in London you have gained a new family; currently sitting in the living room waiting to help you…let them…please."

He looked at her and could no longer keep the tears in his eyes, "What can I do to make you stop talking as if you are going to die."

"Show me the proof that I'm not." Pansy pulled her hands from Draco's and ran them up her face and through her tangled hair, "I must look atrocious."

"You are exquisite…though you do look very tired. Why don't you try and rest a bit and in the morning we will talk about your trip to London when you are feeling better." Draco smiled and wiped his face quickly, "Scorpius is going to adore you…though I guess I should warn you, and it's a little creepy when he speaks of it, but…I think he dreams about Emma… _Princess Emma_ actually." The blond stood and started fluffing Pansy's pillow to distract from what he considered a miscalculated comment.

He moved to the chair near her bed and held her hand, "I'll be right here when you wake up."

Pansy looked at Draco, silently for a long time then finally spoke, "It had its fair share of ups and freefalls, but I have loved being in love with you Draco Malfoy."

"I love you too…" he trailed off and nearly choked on the lump in his throat. When Pansy's eyes closed his heart raced wildly and he watched her chest rise and fall in a more unpredictable rhythm. After nearly an hour he was startled by the faint sound of her voice.

Pansy mumbled in her sleep for a moment then whispered clearly, "Daddy will be fine sweetheart…he's got Lord Scorpius remember?"

For a split second Draco was sure his heart had stopped and he fought the urge to wake Pansy up, but he did not have the heart to disturb a dream she was having of Emma; no matter how jealous he was. When she remained silent Draco sat back in the chair and returned to his relentlessly tormenting memories; focused on Pansy's breathing.

*.*.*.*

_Draco stood at the end of a long walk way; looking forward at several rows of chairs lined up in front of an open oak coffin. He looked around at the devastated faces of the people he knew, comforting each other and crying as their glances moved to the coffin every few seconds. As he approached he was strangely comforted by the familiar faces: Blaise and Madi, Harry and Ginny, even the Weasley's could be accounted for. As he drew closer he saw his mother leaning over to talk to a blond woman that instantly came into focus as Astoria, and to his wife's right was a handsome young man that he recognized, but could not name._

_His heart began to sink when Pansy was no where to be found and his focus locked onto the coffin that he could no longer avoid. As he moved through the group no one seemed to notice him at all and he was relieved because at that moment he could not imagine having to speak to anyone. He closed his eyes as he moved the final distance to the casket, holding them tightly shut and trying to breathe unsuccessfully. Finally he opened his eyes and gasped at the sight of himself lying in the coffin completely still._

"_This does not happen for a very long time you know…it has already been decided." _

_Draco looked down at a little blond girl in a green and white dress gazing lovingly back up at him. He knelt down and took her small hands in his, "Do you know who I am?"_

"_Of course I do silly," she giggled then leaned in and whispered, "You're my daddy."_

"_What are you doing here?" Draco looked at Emma smiled, "You look just like your mother."_

"_I came to remind you that this does not happen for a very long time; and to tell you that it is going to be all right. I will take care of mum and you will take care of Scorpius and one day we will all be together…but not for a very long time and it is important you remember that. Lord Scorpius needs you daddy…and so you must stay with him. Just like I needed mum and she must come with me." Emma held her hands against Draco's cheeks and looked into his eyes. "Don't be mad at her for leaving or me for being such a selfish child. And don't be mad at yourself anymore." She kissed his cheek and started to walk away._

"_Wait…do you have to go?" Draco stood and started walking back down the pathway, but he could not catch up with the little girl. When she had disappeared from sight Draco yelled, "Emma…how will I find you?"_

_Suddenly a little voice drifted through the air as if on the breeze, "We will always be with you…always your girls…"_

*.*.*.*

Draco stirred as the sun poured through the curtains and he sighed with frustration that he had fallen asleep again. _As if there isn't a lack of time left…why are you bloody sleeping through it?_ He sat up in the chair and ran his fingers through his messy hair then stretched. Finally he stood and moved to the edge of the bed then reached over and brushed a few stray hairs from Pansy's forehead; and that was when he felt her ice cold skin. His head immediately rested on her chest and when it neither rose nor fell his eyes closed and tears erupted from beneath his eyelids.

He pulled away and looked down at her, convinced by sheer force of will he could make her breathe again, but nothing changed. Suddenly he could not even move except for the violent trembling throughout his entire body that only accentuated the pain he felt everywhere. Draco put his head back down against Pansy's motionless chest and he held his own breath as he listened closely for the rhythm of her heart, the feel of even the slightest movement. _She's gone…_ It screamed through his mind like a siren and his own breath caught in his chest; everything that happened next was involuntary.

"Pansy?" A whisper.

"Pans." Louder.

"BLAISE!"

By the time Blaise entered the room he found Draco, pointing his wand at Pansy and whispering mumbled incantations. After a few eerie moments the blond looked up, "What are you doing? HELP ME!"

"Draco –"

"Wipe that defeatist, accepting, and painfully saddened expression off of your face Zabini and help me save her!" Draco looked back down at Pansy then quickly back at Blaise, "Or send Potter in here…DO _SOMETHING_!"

Blaise approached Draco slowly and once next to him he lowered Draco's arm and pulled the wand free from the blond's hand. He set the wand on the bed and put his hand on Draco's shoulder. Tears fell down both of their faces and finally Blaise whispered, "You know there is nothing more to be done."

"We are wizards…and we will find a way to…" Draco trailed off when Pansy's hand moved slightly and he fell to his knees next to the bed and grabbed her hand tightly, "Did you see that? I told you –"

"Draco it is not uncommon for there to be involuntary movements once someone has –"

Before he could finish Draco stood and had his wand pressed firmly into Blaise's neck, "Don't you _dare_ say it."

"Draco don't!" Ginny stood between the confrontation and the door where Madi stood motionless with her hands over her mouth.

The minute Draco saw the terror in Madi's eyes he lowered his wand, sat down on the bed and looked down at Pansy; within a split second his chest constricted, tears flooded his eyes and he heaved forward to bury his face against Pansy's chest. Amid screams and sobs there were discernable pleas and professions two lifetimes in the making. Draco knew he was being swallowed whole by the reality that he had heard Pansy's voice, been warmed by her smile, felt her touch for the last time; and it already felt too long ago. After nearly an hour he calmed and was relieved to feel warm hands on his cold arms and to hear the sound of a familiar whisper.

"I know that you do not want to leave her, but there are others who need to say their goodbyes…before there is an all out war in the living room." Ginny took a deep breath and her tears fell harder when Draco finally looked up and she saw his burning red eyes and worn face. "I promise you can return as soon as Blaise and Harry have – "

Draco stood and nodded, "Of course," he took Ginny's hand and walked toward the bedroom door. He tried to open it, but it was as if he had forgotten how.

Ginny reached over and opened the door and led Draco into the living room and over to the sofa. Blaise immediately rushed into the room and Madi followed quickly, shutting the door behind them. Ginny sat next to Draco, not that she had much choice since he still had a death grip on her hand. He acknowledged the movement around him, the sobs and embraces in honor of the end of the world, but he did not look up. Throughout Draco's life there had been plenty of times when he felt himself slipping away, but at no time prior to that moment had he ever felt so completely alone in a world he no longer cared to be a part of.

The voices around him became muffled, not that it mattered what anyone had to say. Pansy was his, regardless of anything that happened, and no one could possibly feel what he felt for her. And now she was gone, the only person he belonged with, and he was lost without her, incomplete. After several long minutes he released Ginny's hand and looked up at her, "I'm sorry I –"

The redhead took his hand again and squeezed it tight, "You have no reason to apologize or explain."

"I have no reason to do many things now…" Draco squeezed her hand and stood abruptly, "If you would excuse me…" he walked quickly through the living room, out the patio door and across the yard. When he reached the bench in front of Pansy's rosebushes he dropped to his knees and fell forward beneath the weight of another wave of heavy sobs. After minutes that stretched like torturous years he felt another calming hand on his back and he would have recognized it any day. The sense of peace he felt almost made him sick, but he needed it in order to survive. He sat up and spoke though continued sobs, "I knew you would come."

"And I will do anything that I can for you," Astoria wrapped her arms around him, rubbing his back and neck as he nearly collapsed against her.

*.*.*.*

Draco and Astoria remained in the back yard for hours. There was little to say until Harry emerged from the house and crossed over to them. He smiled sadly at Astoria then focused on Draco, "Everyone inside is very worried about you and Molly is prepared to bring you a plate of food out here unless you would like to join us inside."

"I'm not hungry," Draco ran his hands roughly over his face and through his hair, "But of course I will come back inside." The blond stood and took Astoria's hand.

"We have to move her –"

"Move her? Move her where?" Draco glared at Harry as if doing so would change the imminent response.

Harry remained calm and soft spoken, "Pansy requested a Muggle funeral and the calls have been made for her transfer…" he trailed off when Draco walked back to the bench, "I know that this is not easy Draco, but you know what happens next. We have been waiting for you to say your final goodbyes before they take her, but…I'm afraid that will have to be now."

Draco looked up at Harry and wanted to yell or punch him, but instead he turned and walked toward the house, taking Astoria's hand as he passed. The scene inside the house was as dismal as the blond expected. The Weasleys were huddled together trying to make sense of the unimaginable. Madi was sitting alone in the window seat and Blaise was no where to be found. _He must be in with Pansy now…_

Astoria squeezed Draco's hand and moved to stand in front of him. She looked up and brushed his face, "I only needed to see for myself how you were. I am going back to the hotel now and hope that you will join me later."

Draco wrapped his arms around her, "I have contested from the very beginning that I do not deserve you. I will see you in a few hours." He pulled away and kissed her head then walked her to the door. After closing the door again Draco moved swiftly over to Madi, "Potter told me to come inside and make my final…" he shuddered and fought for other words before blurting, "I do not want to interrupt Blaise so –"

"Blaise isn't here…" Madi wiped her face and hopped down from the window seat, "I am honestly not sure where he is, but –"

Without hesitation Draco interrupted Madi with a tight hug. He kissed her head then raised her chin to look at him, "He will be all right as long as he has you, and I know that he does."

"Always…" Madi looked down and continued quietly, "As long as that is anyway."

Her words choked Draco, but he managed another reassuring kiss atop her head then without comment he walked back across the living room and into Pansy's bedroom. He shut the door and walked over to the bed without ever actually looking at her. He took her hand, still keeping his eyes from her face, and held his breath; the absence of Pansy breathing swallowed him and when he looked up at her peaceful face Draco felt his heart slow down. He tried to close his eyes, to block out the sight of his love lying lifeless before him. The idea that she was gone was impossible; and the memories of what they were together, what she was to him, were crippling.

His fingers were brushing against the top of her hand and he reached over to move a wild hair from her forehead, "You know when you took me to see that play I thought maybe you were planning something similar to _that_ ending…not this one. I begged you not to leave me and for the first time ever you stood up to me and did what you wanted. I suppose that I deserve it; for all the times I left you, for everything that I did that led us here. If my father ever had one thing right it was that you would have been much better off staying as far away from me as possible. I'm sorry…that I knew it was true all along, but there was never a time I knew how to live without you so I kept you close…by whatever means necessary." He moved closer and stroked her head, "How is it even possible that after all this time, after all we have been through, that this time you finally got away?"

Nearly an hour passed, though it seemed like just minutes to Draco when the bedroom door opened and Harry stepped inside. "Draco I'm sorry, but –"

"I know…" He turned to look at Harry who just nodded sadly and walked out. Tears welled up in Draco's eyes as the feel of Pansy's ice cold hand in his sent a chill through his body. He rested his forehead gently against hers, ignoring the tears that rolled down his face onto hers, and whispered, "I know that you said I could not follow, but I am nothing if I am not chasing you; and just a memory will not do." He gently kissed her lips and whispered again, "I will see you soon Love," before standing up and walking into the living room.

Draco closed the bedroom door behind him and walked over to Blaise who had returned and was sitting with Madi in the window seat. "Can I speak with you outside please?" Blaise stood as if it took every ounce of energy he could muster and Madi started to follow when Draco interrupted, "Madi I apologize, but I need to speak with only Blaise; if that is all right."

The dark haired woman nodded and pulled Blaise into a quick kiss before letting go of his hand so he could follow Draco outside. The blond crossed the yard to his familiar bench then turned around. "Before I say anything else I want to thank you for every single thing that you did for Pansy from the day that you met her and most importantly from the day that I met her. I ruined both of your lives in so many combinations of ways and for that I will be eternally sorry. If there is anything that I can do for you or Madi or…you have all made me feel very welcome here since I arrived when we all know I had no right at all to be a part of Pansy's life."

"Well she certainly disagreed with that theory, and though I gave you a bit of a rough time I also can not find truth in your statement. She loved you and you loved her and its true that circumstance and dysfunction made your path difficult, but in the…end…you were together and that is all she ever wanted." Blaise took a deep breath and was obviously holding back tears.

"I was happy to provide her what she needed in her final days; it is the least I could do after being the one who subjected her to a violent and dismal life. And now that she has moved on, hopefully to brighter times, I will be on my way." Draco started to walk away when Blaise turned and blurted.

"You're leaving…_now_…before the funeral?" Blaise closed the distance between them and continued with utter shock, "Draco I realize that this will be one of the most difficult things you will ever do, but I assure you that you will have no life at all if you do not figure out a way to get through it. Do you have any idea how devastated she would be that you were not at her funeral?"

Draco took a deep breath and a cold expression rushed across his face, "She's dead Blaise; I can no longer offend or hurt her." He had barely choked the words out, but continued as convincingly as he could muster, "I felt bad when I ran into her that day at the pub, and I thought that I owed it to her to spend some time. Then when she told me she was dying I felt like I had to stay and –"

"You _had_ to stay? Am I supposed to believe this Malfoy because I don't," Blaise crossed his arms over his chest and started rocking on his boots, "In fact just stop talking because you are obviously upset, we all are, and its important that nothing is said right now that could never be taken back." He waited for a response, some expression from Draco that said he agreed, but when the blond maintained his cold expression Blaise started toward the house.

"Even I'm not heartless enough to have a dying woman say _I love you_ and not say it back. I pacified her Blaise, because I owed her at least that. But I have a wife and a family and a career…a life all my own in London…and it is time for me I to return to that." Draco thought he might throw up as he waited for Blaise to turn around. He was disgusted with every word he uttered, and hoped that his old friend would be incited enough to carry out the plan.

"Go then…" Blaise did not turn around and as he trailed off he continued walking away.

_What?_ Draco was furious with Blaise's disregard toward what he said and he started walking after him, "That's all you've got, Zabini? What, she's dead now so you don't have to defend her anymore?"

Blaise turned and in an instant was standing directly in front of Draco; his wand pushed firmly into the side of the blond's neck, "I would have died for her, Draco; and I know that you would have too. But that wasn't an option, and so no I will not be giving you what you are looking for right now. If you want someone to kill you, because you still haven't figured out how to do anything on your own, you will have to find someone else." He pulled his wand away and started to back up when Draco grabbed his hand and held the wand to his own neck.

"Please…" was all that Draco could muster as more tears fell relentlessly down his already burning pale skin.

"And what about all that you mentioned before; your wife and your son and your career? What about the new family that you have now? What should become of them? What should become of _me_ if you leave too?" Blaise pulled his hand away from Draco's then looked down and sighed, "You wanted to give her everything Draco, I always believed that and most especially after the war, when you found her at the shelter and you had your year together at the magic cottage. All she wanted was for you to be happy, with her or not, and if you still wish to give her what she wanted then you will figure out a way to live."

Draco met Blaise's eyes and he shook his head, "I don't know if I –"

"DADDY!"

Blaise turned and Draco's heart skipped when Scorpius started running across the yard and flew into his father's open arms. Draco held him so tightly that the little boy squirmed a bit then he pulled away and smiled, "What are you doing here?"

"I came from London with mum and grandmum said that I could come see you. She said that Harry Potter was here, and he is…just inside…and he gave me this," the little blond boy held up a licorice wand and took a bite. Still chewing Scorpius looked at Blaise, "Hello."

"Hello," Blaise smiled then looked to Draco, "I think you just figured everything out so I will leave you."

Scorpius reached out and grabbed Blaise's arm as he started away. He pulled him back and looked into his eyes, "She loves you very much, they both do…and they hope you do not delay your plans for the future."

Blaise's mouth dropped slightly open and tears fell from his eyes. He looked from Draco's awestruck expression to the little blond boy and smiled, "You are very gifted indeed Master Malfoy…and thank you. If you are able please let them both know how much I love them too."

"They are here of course, always with you…so tell them yourself anytime you need." Scorpius smiled then blushed and buried his face in Draco's shoulder.

"I…" Draco reached up and wiped his tearing eyes, "I'm not sure what to say."

"He said it all," Blaise rubbed Scorpius' back then turned and walked away. He nodded at Astoria as he passed and walked into the house.

Astoria approached quickly and smiled, "I hope it was all right that I brought him. Harry and Ginny thought that it would be good for you and he was going mental at the hotel."

"This is perfect," Draco hugged tight to Scorpius and reached to pull Astoria to him, "It may be a while, but I promise I will figure out a way to be everything you both need as soon as I possibly can."

There was nothing more to say as the Malfoys stood in the back yard of Pansy's house together again at last.

*.*.*.*

_5 September 2010_

_My Dearest Pansy,_

_I had no idea that while I was dreaming about Emma I was missing your final breath. I wonder if I would have been able to prevent myself from concocting a potion right there and joining you if I had witnessed the actual end of your life. I imagine we were in our own way star crossed lovers from the very beginning; tragic without question. I tried this afternoon to get Blaise to kill me, but he refused. I suppose you left him with adequate instructions on how to handle me; and he will of course pass these details onto all the others who will be swarming and smothering over the next few days. No one knew me better so you also know that I will resist relentlessly. I do not want to have a happy life without you; I never did. I do not want to accept that I can never talk to you or smell your hair or hear your heartbeat ever again. You brought this very strange assortment of people together and left us to deal with each other. It's all very Slytherin of you._

_Speaking of Potter, he asked if I wanted to say something at your memorial. I hope that you understand I can not. If what Scorpius says is true you will be there and I certainly mean no disrespect; nor does it speak at all to how much you mean to me or how much I love you. If I can even breathe it will be an accomplishment, and I believe I said most of what I needed to say to you before it was too late. Anything more I will tell you every day because I hope that you really are with me all the time. I can still feel you, but it may only be because I can not yet believe that you are gone at all. I keep catching myself planning how I am going to go looking for you. You can be relieved to know that I am sane enough to accept that I can not follow you. We can thank Scorpius for that and Emma by way of a dream…that's all this feels like now…a very bad dream._

Another tear fell against the parchment and caused the ink to run so Draco closed his journal, then his eyes and rested his head back. He was startled when he heard the door and looked up to see Ginny walking across Pansy's living room. She sat next to him on the sofa and smiled, "I'm surprised to see you here."

"Everyone seemed to have the same idea," he looked down and sighed as he continued, "I couldn't stay away…and Astoria and Scorpius were both asleep so I chose not to fight the impulse. The rest of the lot is outside reminiscing except…" he trailed off when the door opened again and Harry walked in, "Never mind there he is."

Harry walked over and set down the bags he was carrying, "Glad you made it; why are you in here by yourself?"

Draco chuckled quietly, _Wow Pans, you put everyone on suicide watch. _He shook the thought and stood, "I was putting down some thoughts, but now that _you're_ here Potter I'll rush right outside." The blond caught himself smiling, but rolled his eyes instead then started toward the patio door when Harry interrupted.

"Actually Draco…may I have a minute?" Harry sat when Draco turned and as Ginny walked outside the blond sat in the chair across the coffee table. Harry took a deep breath and looked at Draco, "As Pansy's secret keeper I have one more disposition to make," he paused and pulled a piece of parchment from his jacket. "She wanted you to have this."

The blond took the parchment without hesitation then looked up at Harry, "What is it?"

"I have no idea; she only told me to give it to you…and so I have." Harry stood, "If you need anything we are right outside." Harry walked out the door and closed it behind him; Draco opened the parchment and sat back in the chair.

_My dearest and most beautiful Draco,_

_ I hope you are not angry with me…I held on as long as I possibly could I promise. I wanted you to know that this last month was so amazing. I felt how much you loved me every day; even before you could say it and even when we were apart. You made me happy more often than you could ever imagine and certainly more than you would ever give yourself credit for. You have become the man I always knew you could and you are brilliant…please, please, please tell yourself that every day! Further, I knew that you found out about the potion. It never ceased to amaze me that you actually thought you could keep anything from me. I'm sorry that you found out at all, and even more so that I was not the one to tell you, but promise me right now that you will not blame yourself. Destiny dealt us this hand and there were moments of perfection woven into the fabric of despair…I would not trade any blissful moment we shared even if it meant I was still there breathing. I hope these are the worst times you ever know._

_I do have a few last requests…_

_Do not push away the new members of your family…and do not let your friendship with Blaise suffer any more than it already has. All you ever needed were people who loved you Draco, and you have that now, so don't run from them. Not to mention, Blaise is going to need a best man soon…and if its not soon then be a good man and urge him along. I imagine I will have a lot of time on my hands now and watching all of you navigate through continued exchanges without me will be amusing. _

_Please tell Astoria that there are no words to thank her for allowing me to spend these last few weeks with you. Promise me that you will make things work with her because believe it or not she made this brilliant life you have possible. I am heartbroken that I was not able to meet Scorpius, but I know for a fact he's the spitting image of you; and he has an amazing father so I have no doubt he will be a constant source of joy for you and Astoria. I wish you all the magic life has to offer and more…so never feel guilty that you love your life…just remember that you did as I asked._

_Last, but not least, there is a box in my bedroom closet that I need you to find. Its green, has my initials on it, and is locked, but Blaise will know how to open it. Inside you will find a key to my vault at Gringotts where I have left instructions for the disposition of my things. There are bank accounts set up for all of the children to purchase something fun and special for their first term at Hogwarts. There is a little extra for Scorpius, from his sister, and she would have wanted him to use it for his pet…she would have suggested a ferret, but I leave it to your discretion. Also in this box you will find several journals of letters…they are to you so please take them if you like. I have told you everything now so…well…except for one more thing… which no one else knows and I hesitate to even share, but…_

_Please forgive me Draco…for anything and everything I ever did that may have hurt you, but most especially for what I confess here. I killed Lucius…I could not let you live with doing it yourself, but I also could not let you live under his control any longer. I learned a lot in New Orleans and…it was obviously untraceable and one of the worst things I have ever done, but given the opportunity to do it over I would change nothing. That is the day that I knew you were finally safe; I only hope that you can forgive me._

_I love you…so much that it overwhelmed me most times and I love you even more that you loved me in return. We were brilliant together any time the universe allowed; keep those memories close and release all the rest. I will always be with you, even if you can't see or hear me, I'll always be around. And I will see you next lifetime…that's a promise._

_Eternally yours,_

_Pans _

_P.S. Please try and be nice to Harry. I'm pretty sure that once they meet, Scorpius and Albus are going to get on famously and it will be unfair to discourage their friendship just because you and Harry think it's wrong to admit you two are already friends. Don't make me haunt you…it will not be pretty._

_Please haunt me…please. _Draco read the letter over and over until he was interrupted by the patio door and Blaise walking in. The blond folded the parchment and put it in his book then looked up, "I was just coming outside."

"Well good because I was just coming in to check on you." Blaise sat down in the chair across from Draco and examined him quietly for a moment before continuing, "How are you holding up?"

Draco reached up and dried his eyes for the millionth time and sighed, "I'm not…but I'll be all right. Potter gave me this letter that Pansy wrote me. She mentioned something about a green box in her closet with a key to her Gringotts vault and books of letters that she said I could have. I can let you read the letter or –"

"She told me you would be asking for them. Do you want them now or –"

"No I don't think I can handle it now." Draco looked down and sighed, "I'm not sure how we are supposed to handle any of this."

"One minute at a time," Blaise put a comforting hand on Draco's shoulder and continued when the blond looked up, "And together…so why don't you join everyone outside?"

Draco followed Blaise's lead, stood and walked out to everyone sitting around a blazing fire in the yard. He sat down in between Madi and Ginny and felt as normal as he had in days. Everyone continued with their stories and memories of all the good times they had shared with Pansy and Draco sat back and soaked it all in. As the wee hours of morning approached everyone retreated to their respective houses and hotels to toss and turn until the sun rose.

*.*.*.*

The next morning brought Draco's remaining defenses crashing down and he was barely able to get out of bed let alone stop crying; remembering to breathe was a challenge. Narcissa decided to take Scorpius out for the day and joined Molly, Ginny, and Hermione for a distraction in the city. Madi stayed in contact with Astoria throughout the day, as Blaise was in a similar state of distress, but otherwise everyone seemed to keep their distance. By evening Astoria sat on the bed next to Draco and gently ran her fingers through his hair, "I have to insist that you try and eat something Love."

He rolled over and looked up at her, "All I want to do is throw up. I can't eat, I can't breathe, I can't stop crying," Draco sat up and roughly ran his hands up his face and through his hair, "I can't do this. I can not accept that she is gone."

Astoria wrapped her arms around him tightly, "It will take time, but you will find a way to manage it." Tears welled up in her eyes as Draco cried and trembled against her, "I promise I will help you any way I can."

After several minutes Draco pulled away, "We have a great many things to discuss."

"And we will, but for now you should just rest." Astoria kissed him gently and ran her fingers through his hair when he collapsed against the pillow. Just as Draco seemed to calm the hotel room door opened and Scorpius came running into the room.

The little blond boy jumped up on the bed and sat next to Draco. He set a container of food on the bed and put his head on Draco's shoulder, "A lovely redheaded woman called Colleen said this is your favorite. I thought you might be hungry daddy, and this came from a place named after a dragon; just like you."

Draco smiled at his son and sat up, "Thank you," he fought back tears as the memories of _The Piasa_ flooded his mind, "I'll eat this later." He pulled Scorpius into his lap, "Did you have a good time today?"

"I met a new friend today. He is Harry Potter's son…his name is Al…and his mum said that she would talk to mum about an outing when we get back to London. He is named after Headmasters at Hogwarts and he knows all about magic. I know of course that I'm not supposed to do magic and he is not allowed either so we just talked about it. He said that his dad and you didn't used to like each other, but that Pansy made everyone get along. Can we go on an outing with Al daddy? Please?" Scorpius finally stopped rambling and looked up with wide pleading eyes at Draco.

Astoria giggled and Draco rolled his eyes when Scorpius was distracted. He took a deep breath and smiled when the little boy looked back at him, "We will see what can be arranged. You should know of course that little Albus Potter will be a Gryffindor –"

"Draco!" Astoria and Narcissa reprimanded simultaneously and Astoria continued, "Do not breed that animosity. I think it is wonderful that he made a new friend. Besides how do you know _Scorpius_ won't be a Gry –"

Draco's mouth dropped before he snapped, "Don't even say it!" He calmed immediately and looked back to Scorpius, "So what other headmaster was he named after? Dippet? Oh I bet that _Black_ family member or –"

"_Severus_…didn't you know a Severus once daddy?" Scorpius started bouncing on the bed and playing with a plastic dragon he pulled out of his pocket.

"I did…" Draco trailed off and resisted the impulse for another trip down memory lane. He turned to his mother and tried to change the subject, "And you allowed all of this did you?"

"We had a brilliant day. I'm quite certain Molly Weasley concealed her wand, ready to attack me for the first hour or so, but she came around. Scorpius adored Blaise's fiancé –"

"_Fiancé?" _This time Draco and Astoria shared an outburst in unison and before either could respond Narcissa continued.

"It has not happened yet, but…well a mother knows things." The Malfoy matriarch smiled as she continued, "In any event Ginny said that she will absolutely talk with you both about having a play date for the boys. They really did get along famously."

_Just like Pansy said they would._ Draco was distracted from his thoughts when Astoria and Narcissa started talking about how wonderful it would be if Draco Malfoy's and Harry Potter'ssons became best friends. He felt his stomach turn a bit then started thinking about how much his feelings toward Harry Potter had changed over the last ten years; especially the most recent four weeks. It made Draco's overall existence more peaceful to finally put the past behind him and that was just another wonderful thing that Pansy made possible. The idea of maintaining the peace without her, doing anything at all without her again, and forever, started wearing at him and he lay back against the pillows.

Astoria looked over with concern, "Are you sure you will not eat just a little?"

Draco opened his eyes and forced a reassuring smile, "I will eat later I promise. Right now I would like to rest a while."

"I'll lay down with you daddy; I'm tired too." Scorpius moved the box of food and lay down in front of Draco. He put his head on the pillow then reached over, touched Draco's face, and whispered, "Close your eyes…"

Draco followed the instructions and wrapped his arm around Scorpius when he moved next to him. Within minutes they were both fast asleep.

*.*.*.*

The sun shown brightly through the hotel room window as Draco slid his jacket over a neatly pressed green shirt and perfectly matched black and white tie; _Please just come back Pansy so that I do not have to do this today. _The blond was startled by the feel of a hand on his arm; he turned and pulled Astoria into a tight embrace, "I can never thank you enough for being with me today."

"Whatever you need," she pulled away and took his hand, "We should go; we are meeting Blaise and Madi at the house."

Scorpius ran up and took Draco's other hand, "I love you daddy."

"I love you too," Draco squeezed both hands in his and took a deep breath, "Let's go."

*.*.*.*

Pansy's memorial was held at the cemetery; she had already been buried, next to Emma, and both graves were covered with the most beautiful flowers imaginable. Harry started out with a lovely tribute to Pansy and brilliant words and stories were added by several members of the Weasley family, patrons of the pub, and lastly Madi who made it impossible for anyone to hold onto the last bits of composure available. Afterwards everyone headed to Madi's old diner where she had arranged a small reception for the family.

Draco and Blaise stayed back and stood side by side in front of Pansy's grave. They were silent for nearly a half hour when Blaise spoke quietly, "I thought a lot about that day I stood right here with Pansy seven years ago. I wondered when I finally lost her too if you would be standing here or not. I'm relieved that you are."

The blond did not break his stare on Pansy's name etched on the headstone below, but responded, "I never really realized _how close_ you two were when we were at Hogwarts…guess I never paid attention."

"Hogwarts…Pansy was in love with you and you were in love with yourself; the fact that I was in love with her seemed irrelevant all things considered. I would not trade the relationship we had though for anything in the world…except the opportunity to have her and Emma back." Blaise quickly wiped a tear rolling down his face, "Did Pansy tell you that she basically trained Emma to say _daddy_ every time she saw a ferret?" He could not help, but chuckle and when he finally looked up at Draco's agitated and offended expression he laughed, "I'm sorry…but it's just like her to leave something like that out."

"I have a feeling she left a lot out. I'm hoping that maybe you and I can sit down one day and you can fill in the blanks…at least some of them." Draco smiled sadly then looked back down at Pansy's headstone, "She wanted us to figure out a way to co-exist again Blaise and I want that too."

"Actually she wanted us to figure out a way to be _friends_ again; I got the lecture too. And just like I told Pans…we've always been friends. I have always been taking care of one of you…without that chore whatever would become of me?" Blaise chuckled again and looked over at Draco.

"Will you come back to London?" Draco looked up and hoped for a positive response.

"No I live here now and Pansy left Madi the pub so we will visit, but this is home." Blaise looked down for a quiet moment then back up at Draco and smiled, "You will of course have to return later this year because I'll be in need of a best man. I stood up for you so I would expect you to return the favor."

Draco chuckled quietly, "Funny I didn't remember seeing a ring on the beautiful lady's finger. Shouldn't that come first?"

Blaise was suddenly shy about the conversation, "I did not think today was an appropriate day so I'm going to do it tomorrow. And was that a yes?"

"Send me list of my responsibilities and I will carry them out." Draco extended his hand, "And congratulations if she says yes."

"_If?_" Blaise took Draco's hand and pulled him into a hug.

The mood was lightened and though neither talked about it Pansy's presence was everywhere. After a few more moments of reminiscing they turned and started walking from the graves and both disapparated from sight.

*.*.*.*

Draco and Blaise walked into the diner and while Blaise walked straight to Madi and pulled her into a hug, Draco stood back in the doorway and observed. Narcissa was sitting at a table with the Weasley women, including the little ones, discussing old family recipes while the Weasley men and Harry sat across the room talking to the older boys about Quidditch. Astoria and Ginny were seated at a table in the center of the room organizing outings upon their return to London and shouting out reprimands to Scorpius and Al who were running around the diner as if it was a playground. Blaise and Madi crossed the room and interrupted Draco's observations and he looked up at smiled.

"That is a brilliant sight…you smiling." Madi hugged Draco tight then returned to Blaise's side, "It is a relief actually to see you both so peaceful…it's been a rough day."

Draco looked around again then returned his focus to Madi, "Today may well be one of the worst I've know, but at the same time I can look around here and say that at least the war is finally over. I'm just sorry Pansy isn't here to see it." Before anyone could respond or Draco could continue a breeze blew the door open and carried through the room a strong fragrance of lavender and vanilla. Draco closed his eyes and let the presence of Pansy filter in his senses.

Suddenly Scorpius stopped running right in front of Draco, "See daddy…I told you they are here." Without allowing time for any response he continued his playful chasing after Al.

Draco looked at Blaise and Madi and shrugged his shoulders. Blaise chuckled and watched the boys running around, "He's a little strange Draco."

"Well if this is as strange as he gets then I can handle it." The blond smiled and when Astoria met his eye he excused himself and walked over to sit next to her. He took her hand and whispered in her ear, "I love you," then sat back and continued soaking in the goings on with his new extended family.

The pain in his chest every time he scanned the room and Pansy was no where to be found remained, but he could see her face and hear her heartbeat in every person in the room. She had been right about feeling her with him and if the Potters and the Weasleys made that feeling even stronger then he would gladly keep them all as close as possible.

*.*.*.*

_13 October 2010_

_We have been back in London for a little more than a month. It goes without saying that first week back was one of the most draining and horrifying times of my entire life. I am not sure how to exactly qualify the mood now. I continue to struggle every minute with holding myself together, but there have also been times of great peace and happiness. Last week Blaise, Potter and I finally went to Gringotts and closed Pansy's vault. Blaise also brought me the journals that Pansy referenced in her letter, but I have not had the strength to open them yet. I was barely able to tell Astoria everything that happened and all of the truths that needed to be shared; about Emma and about my involvement in the potion. She has been lecturing me ever since about not holding onto guilt…perhaps that will come in time, but for now I am consumed by it. The only calming thought I can hold onto in this regard is that Pansy had her ultimate revenge and killed the bastard that ruined all of our lives. Just one more thing that she has given me…_

_There is not a minute that has passed when I have not thought of her…missed her. At the same time being home with Astoria and Scorpius has been brilliant. I know that I must pull myself together for them…and I want to. I must give them what I was never able to give Pansy and Emma. Scorpius has a good start for Hogwarts. Pansy left strict instructions that whatever he buys with the money she left him must be fun. I assume this purchase will end up being a broom. I can assure with the Emma fund he will not be buying a ferret…a nice owl will do just fine. It's hard to even think that far ahead now…what will have become of us by then?_

_One thing is certain; the Malfoy/Potter war is over. Scorpius and Al have already had several play dates since we arrived home and Blaise and I will be joining Potter, Ron and George for a Quidditch scrimmage this weekend. The littlest Weasley has decided to play for our side in order to even out the teams. I'm quite certain I see a little Slytherin in that girl…winning will bring it out even more. Speaking of Hogwarts…Madi wants to get married on the grounds there. It seems like a hundred years since I've been back to the castle, but selfishly I'm hoping Blaise agrees because it will give me an excuse to return and…I know I will be able to feel Pansy even more strongly within those walls. They have decided on a date next April and that is all these women can talk about. It has been a blessing that Blaise and Madi decided to stay in London for a while. It's strange because we all find ourselves having fun and then sometimes almost stop as if that is not allowed. But it's what Pansy wanted; I just have to keep telling myself that. _

_I miss her so much, but every time I dream about her and Emma together it eases the dull burn in my chest. I think I will always be a little lost without her, but every day has been better. The memories of her are starting to warm me and the love I feel for her is filling the hole in my heart instead of breaking it. I know now that she has kept her promise and that I will always feel her with me; and for now I accept that must be enough. I will honor her wishes and am ready to find a way to live._

Draco closed his book when he heard a knock at the door; he stood and walked into the foyer just as Astoria opened the door and Albus Potter came busting through it. He stopped at the bottom of the staircase as Scorpius stood at the top then rushed up when invited. Harry and Ginny walked in and Ginny blushed, "I am so sorry. He has manners I assure you, but he was so excited about today."

Astoria laughed as she closed the door, "No apologies necessary; Scorpius has been bouncing off walls all morning. Do you have time to come in and sit?"

"Of course," Ginny smiled and followed Astoria into the great room. She nodded and smiled at Draco when she passed.

Left alone in the foyer Draco walked over and addressed Harry, "So…I was thinking about returning to my potion lab this afternoon…want to blow things up?"

Harry chuckled and responded with enthusiasm, "Sounds brilliant; as long as you're not planning on blowing me up."

"Let us not develop new trust issues now Potter. Our children are becoming close friends and I'm afraid so are our wives…we therefore are stuck together…just like always." Draco rolled his eyes, but smiled before leading the way to the staircase and down to the potion lab. "Oh…I should warn you…Astoria's sister and _that husband_ of hers will be coming over later today."

Harry chuckled as he followed Draco down the stairs, "We should grab a hair from Oliver to concoct a polyjuice potion and then go get him in some trouble in London; nothing serious of course…just something to knock him down a peg or two."

Draco's mouth dropped slightly, but quickly turned into a smile, "Spoken like a true Slytherin Potter…I'm impressed."

"Yes well I've had the opportunity of observing the best," Harry smiled as he took his place on the opposite side of the potion table from Draco, "We had to find some common ground right?"

"Indeed," Draco smiled then pointed his wand at the cabinet across the room causing ingredients and supplies to float to the table. "So, I was gifted with instructions for an elation potion many years ago by a mysterious potion mistress I met in London. She was very odd, I'm quite sure her appearance, her hair most especially was a glamour, and she kept stressing that the potion would supply _required balance_. I was thinking of trying it out."

"She just gave it to you?" Harry looked skeptical as Draco opened his potion journal and flipped through the pages.

The blond looked up after finding the potion, "We traded actually; she was in need of a shielding potion and I have one of the best." Draco paused to survey the concern on Harry's face then he rolled his eyes, "It's an elation potion Potter…at best it's going to make you more tolerable and at worst we'll blow up the Manor."

Harry shook his head and chuckled as Draco pointed his wand to light the fire beneath the cauldron. The blond pushed the ingredients into the center of the table and looked up at his long time adversary, "Are you comfortable with this, Gryffindor? Or would you prefer to join the women in their endless discussion of the perfect wedding gown for Madison?"

Harry laughed and started reading over the potion in Draco's book. "She hates when you call her that you know?"

"And that would be why I continue to do so. I may not be _evil_ anymore Potter, but I've still been put on this earth to irritate from time to time." Draco began measuring the first ingredient then poured it into the cauldron, "If she is going to be part of this family she might as well develop a tolerance now."

A brief silence developed as the two men continued concocting the potion. As Harry added the last ingredient he started to speak when the potion lab door opened and Blaise walked in. He approached the table and looked into the cauldron, "You couldn't even wait for me?"

"You're late," Draco stirred the potion as green and red steam poured from it, "And you were against the elation potion anyway."

"You said that the witch who gave it to you was a bit unstable. I only worry that it is not an _elation_ potion at all. What if your hair falls out, or you fall in love with Potter or something?" Blaise put his hands up as glares came from both men, "Pansy said it first."

Draco continued to dart a glaring stare at Blaise, "It wasn't funny then either." The blond looked over at Harry, "I assure you that there is no potion in this world or any other that could _ever –"_

Harry smiled uncomfortably as he interrupted, "Can we please just stop talking about this?" He carefully reread the potion ingredients looking for anything unusual, "Why did we use the strawberry?"

"She said it was only for taste purposes, same with the peppermint," Draco stopped stirring and pointed his wand at the table. Three small glasses appeared and he looked at Harry and Blaise, "Maybe it's just me, but I could use a little elation right now." He was relieved to see agreement in the expressions across the table and poured the potion into the glasses. Each took their glass from the table and held them up to toast as Draco stated simply, "To Pansy," and they drank.

For a few minutes they all just sat quietly waiting to feel differently when suddenly Harry stood up and smiled, "I think we should go to London."

Blaise returned the smile and spoke with equal enthusiasm, "I think that is a brilliant idea." They both looked to Draco who grinned as he pointed his wand to extinguish the flame beneath the cauldron.

"Pub?" Draco started toward the door without waiting for a response.

"Definitely," Blaise and Harry responded in unison and followed Draco upstairs.

After a brief explanation to their significant others all three men disapparated from the foyer to a pub of Blaise's choosing. Standing outside, Draco interrupted before they walked in, "I know this place," he looked at Blaise strangely for a moment then continued, "_The Cupboard_? This is where Pansy worked and…why did you chose this place?"

Blaise walked inside and Harry and Draco followed. He went directly for a booth in the corner, just across from the door and sat down. Harry smiled, obviously privy to his friend's motives and Blaise finally responded to Draco's inquiry with a devious grin, "Well since we're already feeling so _elated_ I thought we would come here, reminisce a bit…and there is this Muggle I always hoped to run into again."

A waitress came over and took their orders and within minutes she returned with three glasses and a bottle of whiskey. Draco took a long drink and looked at Blaise, "You're acting very strange right now. What on earth could you have to do with a _Muggle_?" Draco watched his friend's attention focus on the opening door of the pub and the blond turned to see a tall blond haired man walk in and directly over to the bar. His stomach turned slightly as if he had seen the Muggle before and when he turned back to Blaise his suspicions were confirmed.

"Draco Malfoy, I think that it is time you are formally introduced to Riley MacAulay." Blaise smiled almost manically then focused his attention back at the bar, "I promised her I would not kill him, but I think its time he learns a lesson about the dangers of playing with wizards." Blaise returned his attention to Draco and Harry, "Anyone care to join me?"

Harry filled the glasses around the table then lifted his in the air, "One more time…to Pansy."

Draco's shock at Blaise's suggestion was nothing compared to the near delight he took from Harry Potter's enthusiastic wrong doing. He raised his glass and smiled, "And she would love every minute of this; a good taunting and something we have all found to do together."

Blaise raised his glass then led the way to drinking, standing and walking over to the bar. He tapped Riley on the shoulder and when the blond man turned he smiled, "My good friend Riley…the time has finally arrived mate. Introductions of course; Riley MacAulay this is Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy."

Riley immediately started to move away, but he was cornered. He started to speak, but Draco held up his hand and magically silenced him. "That won't be necessary. There is nothing you can say, nothing you can do to help yourself now. I certainly hope my father made your activities worth it. Now if you're ready…the chosen one is going to take you outside and get us started."

Harry grabbed Riley's shirt and they disapparated from sight. Blaise chuckled and Draco looked over and joined the laughter, "I'm not sure if it's the potion or the return to a darker place, but this is incredible. I can not believe Potter…so unexpected."

"He should have been a Slytherin." Blaise laughed then started toward the back door of the pub that led to the alley, "I can only imagine the trouble the four of us could have gotten into all those years ago."

"Five…the littlest Weasley should have been Slytherin too," Draco followed and allowed his mind to drift back to the days of Hogwarts, the many fights and feelings and events and heartaches that shaped the person he was. It did not take long for him to feel warmed with memories of Pansy after the war, after he found her and their year together in the forest. Even after they emerged into the alley Draco could not pull his focus from the last four weeks he had with Pansy and he wondered if he was about to cry, despite the elation potion.

Suddenly Harry yelled to Draco, snapping him out of his trance, "So Malfoy, what were you thinking we could turn our good Muggle friend Riley into again?"

Draco smiled and approached Harry and Blaise standing over a terrified, but completely unharmed Riley cowering on the ground. "I think that we should turn him into the rat that he is and feed him to a snake; an appropriate circle of life."

Blaise looked deep into the man's eyes and laughed, "It's a bit difficult to read which one of us he is more afraid of. I can understand the dilemma, but I think I will have to go with Draco on this one."

Riley, whose ability to speak had been restored pleaded suddenly, "I am so sorry. He made me do it. I actually did like Pansy…loved her probably and –" The blond man cowered again as three wands were suddenly pressed against various places on his body.

Draco leaned forward and whispered menacingly, "You chose the wrong three wizards to talk to about loving Pansy. If you ever even say her name again you will spend the rest of your miserable life without a tongue. Do we understand each other?"

Riley nodded and continued to shake before them. Draco did not take his death inducing glare off the man as he continued, "So…what are we thinking gentlemen?" Before either could answer a powerful breeze blew through the alley and the fragrance of lavender and vanilla filled the air. Without a word spoken all three wizards lowered their wands and backed away from the terrorized man and Draco spoke calmly, "You should run… now."

There was no hesitation; Riley ran as quickly as if he was able to apparate. There was complete silence other than his footsteps pounding through the puddles in the alley and once he was gone Draco, Blaise and Harry continued to stand and breathe in the lingering breeze that reminded them Pansy was always watching. After several long moments Blaise finally interrupted the silence, "Leaky Cauldron?"

Harry and Draco both nodded and without another word Blaise disapparated and then Harry. Draco stayed for a moment and took another long breath that he held until his heart started to race. He exhaled slowly and whispered, "I love you," then disapparated from sight.

_**The End**_

*.*.*.*

**The Inspiration Soundtrack for**

_**Letters From the Edge**_

_From the Edge of the Deep Green Sea – _The Cure

_Left & Leaving_ – The Weakerthans

_A Drop in the Ocean – _Ron Pope

_Barricade_ – Stars

_Running Up That Hill – _Placebo

_The Hill_ (from _Once)_ – Marketa Irglova

_Something I Can Never Have – _Nine Inch Nails

_Let Me Sign_ – Robert Pattinson

_Degausser_ – Brand New

_Gravity_ – Sara Bareilles

_Happiness Is Overrated _– The Airbourne Toxic Event

_The Drugs Don't Work – _The Verve

_Messenger Bird Song – _Bright Eyes

_Keep You – _Sugarland

_Cut – _Plumb

_Dreaming – _Loudon Wainwright III

_Elephant – _Damien Rice

_Run – _Snow Patrol

_Not As We – _Alanis Morissette

_Part One – _Band of Horses

_The Scientist – _Coldplay

_The Perfect Ending – _Straylight Run

_Guernica – _Brand New

_3 Rounds and a Sound – _Blind Pilot

_All I Need_ – Within Temptation


End file.
